For those tortured by PAWS (Post Acute Withdrawal Symptoms) and who fear they might go mad
Member
Join Date: Jan 2019
Posts: 2
Thanks!
Ttamelbon,
I want to make an account to post here and thank you for this post you have done. Over the course the the last 20 months I have been sober now, I have read this post many times and it has helped me better understand my situation and relax more. I wanted to take a minute and describe my situation a bit.
I drank many years, scotch a lot of scotch. I started getting stomach aches and feeling like crap so I just gave it up, no interest in keeping going on something that was making me feel horrible. Anyhow didnt realize I was in store for a nightmare of a time. Ended up going on Xanax from the doctor, only to realize that was not the answer. Went to inpatient detox and a 30 day out patient. As time went on and I went back to work I was feeling pretty good but would get increased symptoms at least once a month.
The best way I can describe how I felt is if your body is a scale of 1-10.
1= Deep Depression
5 = Feeling relaxed / Normal
10 = Crazy energy / anxiety
If I was down and sad I would never feel energetic or fuzzy / twitchy. But then my body was all no you are too low so lets get you back to normal, but it would miss the mark and I would go from a 3 to a 8 running by that 5 that I want!
Then you are sitting on the couch and just feel fuzzy sorta like a pins and needles sensation. For me this would be in arms / hands / body, not really legs. With this I occasionally get twitches either in my eye or finger or even stomach.
I can identify with a lot of feelings / symptoms you have posted:
-Urinary frequency that would last a day and leave me 3-4kg lighter
- photophobia that actually hurt (mostly on overcast days with white clouds, not as bad with blue skies)
-crying jags that occurred with no rhyme or reason (eyes leaking saline while looking at coupons with no sadness/grief)
-A feeling of abdominal fullness despite hunger
-forgetfulness
-coordination problems\dizziness
-extremely sensitive olfactory senses
-hundreds of heart palpitations a day
-exercise intolerance (went from biking 20km and lifting 150kg to being unable to do much of either without feeling like dying)
-other standard and less mentionable symptoms like depression, emptiness, anger, frustration, insomnia, etc.
Anyhow like I mentioned before I am now on Month 20! Crazy ride. I can say for the last ~8 months I have been pretty good, a lot more better days than bad ones. About 2 months ago I started running again, I was already lifting weights and walking everyday. The running got pretty serious, anywhere from 2-4 miles at a time. Dont know if its related, but my PAWS roller coaster kicked into full get at month 19.5 into today. The only thing I can attribute feeling this crappy is the increased in running and stress on my body. I can tell you I have not felt this off / crappy in over a year. Thoughts?
P.S. I am sure this is a bit jumbled, but I can clarify if needed.
I want to make an account to post here and thank you for this post you have done. Over the course the the last 20 months I have been sober now, I have read this post many times and it has helped me better understand my situation and relax more. I wanted to take a minute and describe my situation a bit.
I drank many years, scotch a lot of scotch. I started getting stomach aches and feeling like crap so I just gave it up, no interest in keeping going on something that was making me feel horrible. Anyhow didnt realize I was in store for a nightmare of a time. Ended up going on Xanax from the doctor, only to realize that was not the answer. Went to inpatient detox and a 30 day out patient. As time went on and I went back to work I was feeling pretty good but would get increased symptoms at least once a month.
The best way I can describe how I felt is if your body is a scale of 1-10.
1= Deep Depression
5 = Feeling relaxed / Normal
10 = Crazy energy / anxiety
If I was down and sad I would never feel energetic or fuzzy / twitchy. But then my body was all no you are too low so lets get you back to normal, but it would miss the mark and I would go from a 3 to a 8 running by that 5 that I want!
Then you are sitting on the couch and just feel fuzzy sorta like a pins and needles sensation. For me this would be in arms / hands / body, not really legs. With this I occasionally get twitches either in my eye or finger or even stomach. I can identify with a lot of feelings / symptoms you have posted:
-Urinary frequency that would last a day and leave me 3-4kg lighter
- photophobia that actually hurt (mostly on overcast days with white clouds, not as bad with blue skies)
-crying jags that occurred with no rhyme or reason (eyes leaking saline while looking at coupons with no sadness/grief)
-A feeling of abdominal fullness despite hunger
-forgetfulness
-coordination problems\dizziness
-extremely sensitive olfactory senses
-hundreds of heart palpitations a day
-exercise intolerance (went from biking 20km and lifting 150kg to being unable to do much of either without feeling like dying)
-other standard and less mentionable symptoms like depression, emptiness, anger, frustration, insomnia, etc.
Anyhow like I mentioned before I am now on Month 20! Crazy ride. I can say for the last ~8 months I have been pretty good, a lot more better days than bad ones. About 2 months ago I started running again, I was already lifting weights and walking everyday. The running got pretty serious, anywhere from 2-4 miles at a time. Dont know if its related, but my PAWS roller coaster kicked into full get at month 19.5 into today. The only thing I can attribute feeling this crappy is the increased in running and stress on my body. I can tell you I have not felt this off / crappy in over a year. Thoughts?
P.S. I am sure this is a bit jumbled, but I can clarify if needed.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2018
Posts: 405
Wow this is crazy that you posted this.
January 14th will mark my 21st month of sobriety. I actually created my account a month ago when I was at 20 months. I was having a severe bout of depression and was getting hopeless that PAWS would never end.
I'm keeping my fingers crossed but I have not had any spells since then. This morning I had a shouting match over the phone on a work related conference call. The fact that this didn't trigger anxiety or depression has me hopeful that I'm finally free of the suffering.
So hopefully you will be in the clear shortly as well!
January 14th will mark my 21st month of sobriety. I actually created my account a month ago when I was at 20 months. I was having a severe bout of depression and was getting hopeless that PAWS would never end.
I'm keeping my fingers crossed but I have not had any spells since then. This morning I had a shouting match over the phone on a work related conference call. The fact that this didn't trigger anxiety or depression has me hopeful that I'm finally free of the suffering.
So hopefully you will be in the clear shortly as well!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2019
Posts: 2
Originally Posted by WeThinkNot 
Wow this is crazy that you posted this.
January 14th will mark my 21st month of sobriety. I actually created my account a month ago when I was at 20 months. I was having a severe bout of depression and was getting hopeless that PAWS would never end.
I'm keeping my fingers crossed but I have not had any spells since then. This morning I had a shouting match over the phone on a work related conference call. The fact that this didn't trigger anxiety or depression has me hopeful that I'm finally free of the suffering.
So hopefully you will be in the clear shortly as well!
January 14th will mark my 21st month of sobriety. I actually created my account a month ago when I was at 20 months. I was having a severe bout of depression and was getting hopeless that PAWS would never end.
I'm keeping my fingers crossed but I have not had any spells since then. This morning I had a shouting match over the phone on a work related conference call. The fact that this didn't trigger anxiety or depression has me hopeful that I'm finally free of the suffering.
So hopefully you will be in the clear shortly as well!
-RK
No Dogma Please
Join Date: Jul 2017
Location: SoCal
Posts: 2,562
Originally Posted by WeThinkNot
Wow this is crazy that you posted this.
January 14th will mark my 21st month of sobriety. I actually created my account a month ago when I was at 20 months. I was having a severe bout of depression and was getting hopeless that PAWS would never end.
I'm keeping my fingers crossed but I have not had any spells since then. This morning I had a shouting match over the phone on a work related conference call. The fact that this didn't trigger anxiety or depression has me hopeful that I'm finally free of the suffering.
So hopefully you will be in the clear shortly as well!
January 14th will mark my 21st month of sobriety. I actually created my account a month ago when I was at 20 months. I was having a severe bout of depression and was getting hopeless that PAWS would never end.
I'm keeping my fingers crossed but I have not had any spells since then. This morning I had a shouting match over the phone on a work related conference call. The fact that this didn't trigger anxiety or depression has me hopeful that I'm finally free of the suffering.
So hopefully you will be in the clear shortly as well!
I'm also having issues with depression, anxiety and motivation at the moment. Not sure it is PAWS though, I suffer from Seasonal Affective Disorder and this is a hard time of year for me. Fortunately I'm in treatment both medically and with therapy.
RK mentioned being on Xanax to get off alcohol as well. I was put on klonopin for the same reason...it was a disaster. This was the worst withdrawal of my life, in 2007. Benzos are notorious for PAWS, particularly if withdrawn quickly. When I finally got sober for good I was also addicted to z-drugs for sleep which are close benzo relatives (in my case it was Lunesta, at the maximum prescribed dose nightly for 4 years), and I went through an unsuccessful lithium taper at home and a successful valium taper in an inpatient setting.
Wondering if that might have something to do with it.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2018
Posts: 405
My final withdrawal was going cold turkey after two failed attempts at sobriety and I came closer to death than I thought. I've read that all those factors; cold turkey, kindling, and severe withdrawal can make PAWS worse. Alcohol was the only drug I was abusing, I wasn't taking anything else.
You know how people say "true happiness comes from within"? You see it a lot in TV and movies when they try to teach life's lessons. I had absolutely no idea what that meant for pretty much all my life. Whenever I heard it I thought it was one of those empty BS feel good platitudes we said because it sounded nice. I was never happy on the inside.
Ironically because I was never happy, I never suffered from depression or anxiety. Being empty inside was my default setting so I didn't have anything to really feel depressed about.
After getting sober and doing some soul searching I finally felt happiness for the first time in almost 40 years of existence. I remember when it actually happened, I didn't know what the feeling was at first. This is one of the reasons why I was losing it with the spells of depression.
Before I was never happy but never depressed. After sobriety I became happy and suffer spells of crazy depression. Crazy stuff.
Anyways it's been almost a month and I still feel great. I hope things get better for the both of you as well.
You know how people say "true happiness comes from within"? You see it a lot in TV and movies when they try to teach life's lessons. I had absolutely no idea what that meant for pretty much all my life. Whenever I heard it I thought it was one of those empty BS feel good platitudes we said because it sounded nice. I was never happy on the inside.
Ironically because I was never happy, I never suffered from depression or anxiety. Being empty inside was my default setting so I didn't have anything to really feel depressed about.
After getting sober and doing some soul searching I finally felt happiness for the first time in almost 40 years of existence. I remember when it actually happened, I didn't know what the feeling was at first. This is one of the reasons why I was losing it with the spells of depression.
Before I was never happy but never depressed. After sobriety I became happy and suffer spells of crazy depression. Crazy stuff.
Anyways it's been almost a month and I still feel great. I hope things get better for the both of you as well.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 34
Checking in
hey everyone it’s me again. I’m coming up on 10 months clean. These past three weeks have been pretty tough so I’m looking forward to feeling better the next month or so. You all have me nervous about the 20 month mark. But I am excited about the good 8 months or so you all had before that. I know everyone is different but it helps at times like these to put things positive in your head. I’m still having waves starting out with fogginess for 5 to 6 days, then anxious and overthinking thoughts for the next 4 to 5 days, and then light sensitivity for about a week. I hope this goes away for good but for now I’ll just take the good days while I have them. I’m glad everyone is still clean after this long even though I don’t think I ever want to drink again after going through this hell. Sometimes when I’m feeling good I wonder if it will be OK to smoke weed, And then I think to myself the risk is too high.I’m just glad I found this form because it really helps during the bad times. I hate that we all have to go through this but I get a sense of relief when I see other people with similar symptoms as me. Well I was just checking in I want to tell everyone to keep hanging in there and take it day by day.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2018
Posts: 405
Hi Matthew,
I am happy to say that my PAWS symptoms are gone. Not only have the mood swings disappeared but so have the headaches. In my drinking days I always had headaches, while going through recovery I would have localized headaches (by the eye, by the temple, in the back). Now that they are completely gone it feels like I don't have a head because the pains and aches were my point of reference.
So for me it took between 20 and 21 months to finally be free. It was a pain to grind through but it makes me appreciate sobriety even more.
I am happy to say that my PAWS symptoms are gone. Not only have the mood swings disappeared but so have the headaches. In my drinking days I always had headaches, while going through recovery I would have localized headaches (by the eye, by the temple, in the back). Now that they are completely gone it feels like I don't have a head because the pains and aches were my point of reference.
So for me it took between 20 and 21 months to finally be free. It was a pain to grind through but it makes me appreciate sobriety even more.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2019
Posts: 1
Yes!!! Exact hell im currently in!
I am in the same boat in the earlier stages. And yes, bc silly stuck up doctors can’t decide or agree on tiny details... PAWS is not a legit diagnosis... BUT IT IS and my doctor diagnosed me with it. For the last almost 4 years I have had a couple of beers at night. That turned into a 6 pack a night sometimes 8 or 12 with horrible mornings to follow. I won’t even go in to much details on how I got to this point in life but I started seeing a new doctor who actually listened and cared and respected that they might have the Medical degree but I’m an expert with my body. Anyways, I got prescribed to a new antidepressant and just stopped smoking and stopped drinking. I HAD NO WITHDRAWALS AND NO PROBLEMS CUTTING ALCOHOL OUT OF MY DIET! Then I felt like I was losing my mind. I couldn’t think. I couldn’t remember ANYTHING to save my life. I am so sensitive to sleep medication (like the smallest dose puts me in to a medically induced coma for days) I cannot take it. I have had insomnia since I was little. NOT LIKE THIS. 3 days at a time after taking sleeping pills. “Work out, it’ll make you feel better”. Um, if I could walk to my mailbox without feeling like I just ran 20 miles in 20 seconds, I would! I went to my doctor, “something is severely wrong with me, I’m dying. If not, I need to be committed to an inpatient facility and not be allowed out bc I’m LITERALLY losing my mind.”
She ran so many labs on me, my lab results are freaking amazing now that I don’t drink. I’m in perfect health. “I thought quitting drinking was supposed to make me feel better”, I said jokingly to my doctor. She goes, “wait, what?! How long ago? Completely? That explains it!”
Absolutely nothing I can do but ride it out and take my anxiety medication more and on a regular basis , which I only like to when it’s REALLY needed.
I mean, I cry over nothing. Not like a sad depression cry but like a rush of overwhelming emotions-I’m not a sappy emotional gal! Singing “let it go” with my 4 yr old gets deep into my little tiny heart and makes me start bawling and I’m like “what in tarnation is happening right now?” Apparently, I’m “feeling” for the first time in forever now *eye roll*.
I mean the constant freak out emails I send to my doctor, bless her heart, are insane and I really feel like I’m going insane!
Dont get me started on the paranoid irrational fears. Of course I fear human sex traffickers are going to kidnap my beautiful blonde hair blue eyed toddler but some innocent bystander would have been shot if I carried a gun to the grocery store bc I’m convinced we are being followed. My husband thinks I’m insane bc I freaked out he wouldn’t stand closer to the bathrooms bc he might not hear me scream if someone came in to harm us, I was legitimately worried about it. My normal self wouldn’t be scared of ****... I DARE you, f*** with me and see what happens! BUT I DONT HAVE THE ENERGY haha omg it’s been the scariest, hardest, and most exhausting thing I have EVER been through... if only you knew.
Luckily, I read it’s really intense month 3 and 4, I think I’m close to the end. It does come in waves but the waves aren’t so big. I was able to take my daughter to the park and then for a walk (we were all shocked). And my memory started coming back a little. You have no idea how insanely happy I was and how happily surprised my husband was when I remembered a long winded verse to an old girly song and nailed it. That was a mile marker for sure haha, so dumb but no joke.
I didnt think I had an alcohol problem. What’s wrong with relaxing after my daughter was asleep? I just got lucky and it was never a problem, like ever. Yea some nights I stayed up too late, had one too many, had a bit of a headache the next morning but no big deal right? I mean, I knew I needed to cut back for health reasons, no brainer! Yea sure, a lot fights with my hubby probably had something to do with alcohol but nothing horribly bad. We live a good life, great jobs, great pay... no way I’m an alcoholic. I don’t drink all day! It’s my only relaxation!
...no... I definitely had a problem. And idk why I woke up one day and just didn’t want it. I’m grateful like no other. My relationship with my daughter was never bad but it’s def much better. I mean, the most delicious thing was and is just so disgusting to me. But I’m very thankful for it. But this PAWS nonsense is no joke. And everything I try to read about it says these symptoms are bc I’m craving alcohol. Definitely not. My brain is relearning how to make a chemical it hasn’t had to make in a very long time and it’s frying my circuit! It’s real. It’s legit. I’m in the best health of my life and I’ve never felt worse.
Did i I mention how every cell in my body aches, 90 year old woman aches? I’m 29 years old.
Idk... medical decision making people need to pull their head out of their booties and do more studies to better understand this. The lack of information just made me feel more crazy.
All i can say is no matter how easy it is to just cut cold turkey... I do not recommend it.
She ran so many labs on me, my lab results are freaking amazing now that I don’t drink. I’m in perfect health. “I thought quitting drinking was supposed to make me feel better”, I said jokingly to my doctor. She goes, “wait, what?! How long ago? Completely? That explains it!”
Absolutely nothing I can do but ride it out and take my anxiety medication more and on a regular basis , which I only like to when it’s REALLY needed.
I mean, I cry over nothing. Not like a sad depression cry but like a rush of overwhelming emotions-I’m not a sappy emotional gal! Singing “let it go” with my 4 yr old gets deep into my little tiny heart and makes me start bawling and I’m like “what in tarnation is happening right now?” Apparently, I’m “feeling” for the first time in forever now *eye roll*.
I mean the constant freak out emails I send to my doctor, bless her heart, are insane and I really feel like I’m going insane!
Dont get me started on the paranoid irrational fears. Of course I fear human sex traffickers are going to kidnap my beautiful blonde hair blue eyed toddler but some innocent bystander would have been shot if I carried a gun to the grocery store bc I’m convinced we are being followed. My husband thinks I’m insane bc I freaked out he wouldn’t stand closer to the bathrooms bc he might not hear me scream if someone came in to harm us, I was legitimately worried about it. My normal self wouldn’t be scared of ****... I DARE you, f*** with me and see what happens! BUT I DONT HAVE THE ENERGY haha omg it’s been the scariest, hardest, and most exhausting thing I have EVER been through... if only you knew.
Luckily, I read it’s really intense month 3 and 4, I think I’m close to the end. It does come in waves but the waves aren’t so big. I was able to take my daughter to the park and then for a walk (we were all shocked). And my memory started coming back a little. You have no idea how insanely happy I was and how happily surprised my husband was when I remembered a long winded verse to an old girly song and nailed it. That was a mile marker for sure haha, so dumb but no joke.
I didnt think I had an alcohol problem. What’s wrong with relaxing after my daughter was asleep? I just got lucky and it was never a problem, like ever. Yea some nights I stayed up too late, had one too many, had a bit of a headache the next morning but no big deal right? I mean, I knew I needed to cut back for health reasons, no brainer! Yea sure, a lot fights with my hubby probably had something to do with alcohol but nothing horribly bad. We live a good life, great jobs, great pay... no way I’m an alcoholic. I don’t drink all day! It’s my only relaxation!
...no... I definitely had a problem. And idk why I woke up one day and just didn’t want it. I’m grateful like no other. My relationship with my daughter was never bad but it’s def much better. I mean, the most delicious thing was and is just so disgusting to me. But I’m very thankful for it. But this PAWS nonsense is no joke. And everything I try to read about it says these symptoms are bc I’m craving alcohol. Definitely not. My brain is relearning how to make a chemical it hasn’t had to make in a very long time and it’s frying my circuit! It’s real. It’s legit. I’m in the best health of my life and I’ve never felt worse.
Did i I mention how every cell in my body aches, 90 year old woman aches? I’m 29 years old.
Idk... medical decision making people need to pull their head out of their booties and do more studies to better understand this. The lack of information just made me feel more crazy.
All i can say is no matter how easy it is to just cut cold turkey... I do not recommend it.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 34
11th month clean
hey every one. Thanks wethinknot it’s a relief to hear you say that your paws has gone away. I hit the 11 month mark yesterday. I feel like I’m getting better every month. Still have slight anxiety, I’m still having problems remembering what day of the week it is, and I’m still having slight vision problems, also slight derealization, and maybe a little depression at times. I’m am getting by though. This past month has been great for me though. I do not have all those symptoms at once but when I feel one the other ones follow by the week normally lasting about a month for me. I feel like **** when I have to think extra hard to remember what day it is or what I did the day before and it gives me anxiety just for thinking I’m going to be like this forever. I just wish the best for everyone on here and hope they don’t fall backwards and have to go through this all over again. It has been mentally and physically draining this whole time for me and I will be relieved when this is past me.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2018
Posts: 20
Checking in
There’s a small amount of me- or just my mind at least- that I feel is permanently changed. I’ve been sober for about 7 months now. I first came to this forum during the worst experience I’ve had possibly ever in this life. So if that’s where anyone else is right now, reading this, I’m sorry dude. I am so sorry you’re having to go through this. I have heard of physical pain, but I never knew that the mind could be tortured in that way.
Hopefully, like the rest of us here seem to be, you’ll stay the course and test yourself and in time things will improve. It seems like forever in the now, but looking back I see how quickly time passed. Things are better for me now. Headaches are not as frequent. I often feel a “normal” level of energy physically, and I get close to normal mentally as well. Derealization still lingers but is not noticeable most times now, and when it is there I am not as afraid as I used to be. I just look at it and accept that no matter how many times I’ve thought “nothing is real, I’m going to pass out, I’m going to die, I’m goig to throw up, my limbs don’t even seem like they belong to me when I look down at them” during this experience... nothing ******* happened. I didn’t go crazy, I didn’t die, or throw up or any of that. The worst part of these thoughts was just having them. And every time I would end up okay.
Some days are still quite a struggle, not gonna lie, but it’s better and that’s what’s important.
Some things still plague me- my speech seems strained at times or my memory struggles. I have a theory on why neurologically I feel this way. Neurons carry connections between themselves that allow us to think. These connections get damaged, naturally or otherwise, and the same connection is lost forever. The only way the brain circumvents this is to build completely new connections. Maybe I’m having to relearn how to view reality bc the physical connections upstairs are reforming. That’s why I see things differently now, and I’ll be okay with that once all the repairs are done and solid. Until then I’ll keep checking in here, keep grounded everyone, you’re here to meet challenges and find your purpose.
Hopefully, like the rest of us here seem to be, you’ll stay the course and test yourself and in time things will improve. It seems like forever in the now, but looking back I see how quickly time passed. Things are better for me now. Headaches are not as frequent. I often feel a “normal” level of energy physically, and I get close to normal mentally as well. Derealization still lingers but is not noticeable most times now, and when it is there I am not as afraid as I used to be. I just look at it and accept that no matter how many times I’ve thought “nothing is real, I’m going to pass out, I’m going to die, I’m goig to throw up, my limbs don’t even seem like they belong to me when I look down at them” during this experience... nothing ******* happened. I didn’t go crazy, I didn’t die, or throw up or any of that. The worst part of these thoughts was just having them. And every time I would end up okay.
Some days are still quite a struggle, not gonna lie, but it’s better and that’s what’s important.
Some things still plague me- my speech seems strained at times or my memory struggles. I have a theory on why neurologically I feel this way. Neurons carry connections between themselves that allow us to think. These connections get damaged, naturally or otherwise, and the same connection is lost forever. The only way the brain circumvents this is to build completely new connections. Maybe I’m having to relearn how to view reality bc the physical connections upstairs are reforming. That’s why I see things differently now, and I’ll be okay with that once all the repairs are done and solid. Until then I’ll keep checking in here, keep grounded everyone, you’re here to meet challenges and find your purpose.
voices ca**y
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: St. Paul Minnesota
Posts: 4,359
Originally Posted by Mydruthers
There’s a small amount of me- or just my mind at least- that I feel is permanently changed. I’ve been sober for about 7 months now. I first came to this forum during the worst experience I’ve had possibly ever in this life. So if that’s where anyone else is right now, reading this, I’m sorry dude. I am so sorry you’re having to go through this. I have heard of physical pain, but I never knew that the mind could be tortured in that way.
Hopefully, like the rest of us here seem to be, you’ll stay the course and test yourself and in time things will improve. It seems like forever in the now, but looking back I see how quickly time passed. Things are better for me now. Headaches are not as frequent. I often feel a “normal” level of energy physically, and I get close to normal mentally as well. Derealization still lingers but is not noticeable most times now, and when it is there I am not as afraid as I used to be. I just look at it and accept that no matter how many times I’ve thought “nothing is real, I’m going to pass out, I’m going to die, I’m goig to throw up, my limbs don’t even seem like they belong to me when I look down at them” during this experience... nothing ******* happened. I didn’t go crazy, I didn’t die, or throw up or any of that. The worst part of these thoughts was just having them. And every time I would end up okay.
Some days are still quite a struggle, not gonna lie, but it’s better and that’s what’s important.
Some things still plague me- my speech seems strained at times or my memory struggles. I have a theory on why neurologically I feel this way. Neurons carry connections between themselves that allow us to think. These connections get damaged, naturally or otherwise, and the same connection is lost forever. The only way the brain circumvents this is to build completely new connections. Maybe I’m having to relearn how to view reality bc the physical connections upstairs are reforming. That’s why I see things differently now, and I’ll be okay with that once all the repairs are done and solid. Until then I’ll keep checking in here, keep grounded everyone, you’re here to meet challenges and find your purpose.
Hopefully, like the rest of us here seem to be, you’ll stay the course and test yourself and in time things will improve. It seems like forever in the now, but looking back I see how quickly time passed. Things are better for me now. Headaches are not as frequent. I often feel a “normal” level of energy physically, and I get close to normal mentally as well. Derealization still lingers but is not noticeable most times now, and when it is there I am not as afraid as I used to be. I just look at it and accept that no matter how many times I’ve thought “nothing is real, I’m going to pass out, I’m going to die, I’m goig to throw up, my limbs don’t even seem like they belong to me when I look down at them” during this experience... nothing ******* happened. I didn’t go crazy, I didn’t die, or throw up or any of that. The worst part of these thoughts was just having them. And every time I would end up okay.
Some days are still quite a struggle, not gonna lie, but it’s better and that’s what’s important.
Some things still plague me- my speech seems strained at times or my memory struggles. I have a theory on why neurologically I feel this way. Neurons carry connections between themselves that allow us to think. These connections get damaged, naturally or otherwise, and the same connection is lost forever. The only way the brain circumvents this is to build completely new connections. Maybe I’m having to relearn how to view reality bc the physical connections upstairs are reforming. That’s why I see things differently now, and I’ll be okay with that once all the repairs are done and solid. Until then I’ll keep checking in here, keep grounded everyone, you’re here to meet challenges and find your purpose.
Looking back now I'm glad that ways part of my recovery. I didn't have a lot of denial left but having to undergo my brain healing itself leaves no doubt I was in over my head . I sat on the couch nearly every night poisoning myself and never caused any trouble. I couldn't escape what it did to me emotionally, physically and spiritually. Mostly now I never think about alcohol. It doesn't exist in my world. Every once in awhile I have a dream that I never stopped and I still have the life I do now free of shame and dealing with the drinking. I remember month 4, month 6, and month 9 and recall how hard I fought to get here.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 34
12 months today!
hey mythdruers, I feel the same way as you most times. I’m one year today and it feels great. I don’t feel great still but this accomplishment is. My 1-6 months were hell and 6-12 months were better but still no cake walk by any means. These past 3 weeks have been bad for me but are slowly getting better, I’ve had another episode of this paws. I’ve had anxiety,cognitive problems, excessive overthinking making it hard to go to work, derealization, and a little light sensitivity. A part of me wonders if it will ever go away, but when I look back 6 months I know for sure I have made big improvements. I started drinking coffee about 5 months ago and when these symptoms came back I decided to quit coffee again. So I think that’s why this episode has lasted so long. I’ve read that coffee messes with the receptors in the brain also so I feel like it will slow the process of healing if I continue to drink it. I was doing better for a few months before this with just episodes lasting a week and a half. It’s so aggravating to have to wake up every day and have to deal with this, but I know I’ll never go back to alcohol or Benzos again. And I’ll have a different mindset for the rest of my life. It will get better over time and everyone says it last about 2 years so I’m hoping to see some great improvements this next year. I’ll keep getting on here and keep you posted since I’m a few months ahead of you. And silent, you said 2 years was complicated too, did the derealization eventually go away and did happiness and good moods come back? I’m in school now and it’s so hard to think still and read, and remember what I’ve read. Did you mind feel sharp again? Lol I have so many questions for you on how you feel after the 2 year mark. I need some good news on what to look forward to
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Wilmington
Posts: 3
For the last few years I drank quite a bit. I've been a fairly heavy drinker since I was 18 and discovered that I could survive in social situations with it and forget myself. I'd punctuate this with periods of cessation averaging around a week or two, maybe a month here or there, sometimes a summer. I'd follow that up, especially over the last few years, with a spell of making up for lost time, only at nights though, and usually after everyone went to bed after the wife complained of it. I have a few stressors in life that are unresolvable and it would help me cope, or at least lift lots of weights.
Finally, I quit and I have been 71 days sober. My acute wasn't so bad. But PAWS is the grinding stone that pulls me down when I wish I could be swimming. I feel I am drowning, or moving in molasses. I am tired all the time, but often can't sleep. Other times I feel like I'm riding on a cloud and completely invincible, and then, I have no energy.
I can barely function like this, and barely might be generous.
It's discouraging. Here I thought I'd be more productive by giving up the sauce and I feel like I can't accomplish anything. chlor-trimeton, of all things, seems to be helpful, but only if taken occasionally. benadryl will knock me out, but the sleep on that is rarely ever good. I know that if I can make myself lift weights, mow the lawn, fix the dishwasher, that might help too. Getting there to do something is a battle. My short term memory was shot for a while, but that seems to be improving. There were some days I could not remember what I was doing for the last half hour, or the previous day.
There are moments of calm happiness come every now and then, and they are what keep me going: when my daughter leans her head against me, shopping with my son, holding my wife. But, then, there are times, like now, when everything around me drives me mad and I just want to be under a blanket, in the dark. No accomplishment comforts me.
I can barely go to work, even though I have a new job that is much less stressful.
There's no snapping out of it. Seems I have to just keep going, despite it, even if, not as quickly as I would prefer.
I feel like, this is just the way I am. Somehow, I shall have to learn to manage it.
Finally, I quit and I have been 71 days sober. My acute wasn't so bad. But PAWS is the grinding stone that pulls me down when I wish I could be swimming. I feel I am drowning, or moving in molasses. I am tired all the time, but often can't sleep. Other times I feel like I'm riding on a cloud and completely invincible, and then, I have no energy.
I can barely function like this, and barely might be generous.
It's discouraging. Here I thought I'd be more productive by giving up the sauce and I feel like I can't accomplish anything. chlor-trimeton, of all things, seems to be helpful, but only if taken occasionally. benadryl will knock me out, but the sleep on that is rarely ever good. I know that if I can make myself lift weights, mow the lawn, fix the dishwasher, that might help too. Getting there to do something is a battle. My short term memory was shot for a while, but that seems to be improving. There were some days I could not remember what I was doing for the last half hour, or the previous day.
There are moments of calm happiness come every now and then, and they are what keep me going: when my daughter leans her head against me, shopping with my son, holding my wife. But, then, there are times, like now, when everything around me drives me mad and I just want to be under a blanket, in the dark. No accomplishment comforts me.
I can barely go to work, even though I have a new job that is much less stressful.
There's no snapping out of it. Seems I have to just keep going, despite it, even if, not as quickly as I would prefer.
I feel like, this is just the way I am. Somehow, I shall have to learn to manage it.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,439
Welcome back Stork
There's a PAWs link higher up in the thread that gives some advice on common sense things we can do to ameliorate the effects of PAWs.
I wouldn't like to self medicate myself too much - even if it is anti histamines.
Hope things get better. 90 days was a turning point for me.
D
There's a PAWs link higher up in the thread that gives some advice on common sense things we can do to ameliorate the effects of PAWs.
I wouldn't like to self medicate myself too much - even if it is anti histamines.
Hope things get better. 90 days was a turning point for me.
D
Member
Join Date: Sep 2018
Posts: 20
Hellooooo friends
Guys I’m glad to say, I think I’m about 90% better. I’m really so happy. I hope someone else can see how I’ve gone from “im literally losing my mind” to I feel good. I know this forum isn’t very active but I made a promise to come back and I’m doing it. That way people that are in a dark place can see the light ahead.
-cheers
-cheers
Member
Join Date: Sep 2018
Posts: 11
Paws
I have been AF for 27.5 months after a heavy session for my 60th Birthday. I just all of a sudden could not stand the thought of drinking any alcohol again, as if my body rebelled.
I have been a generally moderate drinker for 45 years using this drug to help with social anxiety, anxiety, stop the thoughts in my head.
I started off feeling really down and anxious and I sought some sort of understanding why I was feeling this way. I came across various articles including info of S/R.
I did have even more weird feelings with often just thoughts of a given subject making me feel anxious and frightened.
I originally remember that sitting in my house, the darkness caused me anxiety.
I am today a lot better, I still get the odd thought that makes me feel queasy but I feel calmer and the dark does not concern me very much at all now.
I also think after drugging myself for so long (I would drink often but not heavily, sometimes of course was a binge, with perhaps a glass or two of wine every two days) my emotions have surfaced and I am confused how they make me feel.
I did find so much comfort in the O/P as it helped give me faith and hope that I was not alone and this PAWS would go away in time. I also have discovered that I may also be a "highly sensitive person" (as defined by Elaine Aron) as 20% of the population seem to be, with loud noises, crowds of people, in fact situations where over stimulation occurs causing me to feel anxious/nervous.
I think this is what made me use alcohol in the first place to dampen these feelings as society always seems to praise the extroverts over quiet people.
Anyway, as said I am getting slowly less worried and nervous so I hope this PAWS thing gradually goes away.
Thank you Matt for the O/P, it was invaluable and rest assured I will never touch that awful drug alcohol again, unless I want to sterilise something (All wet wipes are alcohol based as this stuff kills everything..... cant be good to ingest obviously).
Best wished all.
Billck
I have been a generally moderate drinker for 45 years using this drug to help with social anxiety, anxiety, stop the thoughts in my head.
I started off feeling really down and anxious and I sought some sort of understanding why I was feeling this way. I came across various articles including info of S/R.
I did have even more weird feelings with often just thoughts of a given subject making me feel anxious and frightened.
I originally remember that sitting in my house, the darkness caused me anxiety.
I am today a lot better, I still get the odd thought that makes me feel queasy but I feel calmer and the dark does not concern me very much at all now.
I also think after drugging myself for so long (I would drink often but not heavily, sometimes of course was a binge, with perhaps a glass or two of wine every two days) my emotions have surfaced and I am confused how they make me feel.
I did find so much comfort in the O/P as it helped give me faith and hope that I was not alone and this PAWS would go away in time. I also have discovered that I may also be a "highly sensitive person" (as defined by Elaine Aron) as 20% of the population seem to be, with loud noises, crowds of people, in fact situations where over stimulation occurs causing me to feel anxious/nervous.
I think this is what made me use alcohol in the first place to dampen these feelings as society always seems to praise the extroverts over quiet people.
Anyway, as said I am getting slowly less worried and nervous so I hope this PAWS thing gradually goes away.
Thank you Matt for the O/P, it was invaluable and rest assured I will never touch that awful drug alcohol again, unless I want to sterilise something (All wet wipes are alcohol based as this stuff kills everything..... cant be good to ingest obviously).
Best wished all.
Billck
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