alaek

I know that's one of my biggest downfalls. I can't seem to just accept certain things or people for what/who they are. For instance, friends and family that just don't "get it". Friends that question whether or not I am even an "addict", because they are most likely dealing with their own addictions. Other friends who don't drink/use and can't seem to understand why it's such a problem for me. All of these problems wouldn't be problems if I simply accepted the fact that I can't change anyone, that not everyone will understand me, and that it's all okay. But I can't seem to accept that. I can't seem to accept the fact that people are different from me, they don't know what it's like to be me, and they may never understand it. What has helped any of you to accept the things/people you cannot change???

OldTomato

I write a review of my day and myself after dinner every night. If someone's annoyed me somehow I'll look at either my involvement in the issue (whether directly or how my own fears/resentments come into how I'm feeling) or how there's nothing I can do about their behaviour except hope they recover themselves.

Getting into the habit of doing this has really helped me feel more serene and less irritated by people! When I first got sober EVERYTHING was annoying.

Jsober

The serenity prayer brings me peace when I am struggling. It reminds I can't control people or circumstances but I can control my reaction to them.

aasharon90

My part in practicing acceptance is to
forgive them for they know not what
they do or say, then place them into the
Hands of my HP - Higher Power, God
of my understanding, faith in my religion
I was brought up on, taught to me, grew
up on, believe in, to take any situation
from me and do with it as He Will.

My HP could and would if He was sought.

In doing so, it take all the worry, stress
off me to continue moving forward in
my recovery life living it on life's terms
knowing and believing I will be cared for,
guided each day as long as I do my part
in keeping my side of the street, my life,
clean all to the best of my human sober
ability. Not perfect. Just striving to be
healthy, happy, honest in all my affairs.

Like a friend of mine shared.....
God and sobriety are so awesome!!!

I'll say AMEN to that..!!!!

MIRecovery

I was not a poster child for a life well lead. If I wish to be forgiven I have to be willing to do the same

ScottFromWI

Focusing on your own life and having a structured recovery program can help keep you on track. Do you follow one? As someone else already mentioned, the Serenity Prayer ( or even just he concept ) can go a long way as well. Most addicts have control issues, and that doesn't just apply to our using - we want to control everything and everyone around us.

The concept and practice of Mindfulness can also be very beneficial. It helps one to focus on what is happening now, vs worrying about the past or the future - which are also things we cannot control.

doggonecarl

Realizing I can't project my expectations on other people.

You say your problem is acceptance, but I see it as one of unmet expectations and resentment. You expect people to "get" you, "get" your problem with alcohol, you expect people to understand, to get it.

The only person who has to "get it" is you. Accept that and you are well on your way.

zjw

I think time was the ultimate fix for me in this department but I think i hit a point where i was just defeated. I new that if i continued to not accept things for how they are i'd continue to have to feel the torment that comes along with that. and i was just so tired of that that i just quit careing. I just let it go one by one.

I just kinda started throwing my hands in the air over the things that i coudlnt do anything about and just got tired of wasting my energy on them.

not accepting stuff is like tyring to swim upstream its just such a battle. its just easier to go with the flow and just allow things to be as they are.

least

I had to realize I couldn't make people do or say what I wanted. They have their own lives and opinions and it's beyond my control. The serenity prayer helps a lot.

fini

what helped me was to see the difference between accepting something and liking it.
i don't have to like it in order to accept the reality of it.
but i also don't have to keep engaging with not liking it or trying to change it.

FarToGo

Not there myself yet, so many thanks for the thread and responses.
xx

Dave42001

Our very first problem is to accept our present circumstances as they are, and the people about us as they are. This is to adopt a realistic humility without which no genuine advance can even begin. Again and again, we shall need to return to that unflattering point of departure. This is an exercise in acceptance that we can profitably practice every day of our lives. As Bill see's it..

WMJ1012

Well, in this case I accept that not everybody's gonna grow with me.

I also accept that they cannot accept me for who I am but I must accept that they can't accept me and I must accept them as they really are.

I also, and most importantly, need to accept mySELF for who I really am. God validates that; not others.

bluedog97

Some great responses here. There are a lot of circumstances surrounding my life I don't like either. I used to get so angry that things wouldn't bounce to my liking I'd go drink over it. It wasn't until I gave up and accepted that things are exactly the way they're supposed to be at this moment, and beyond my control. Of course it helps to vent, and nothing wrong with it. Counseling helps me.

I'm still learning I'm not the center of the universe.

alaek

Thanks for this, this is a great reminder to me. I often see myself as others view me, not as God views me. I need to remember that ONLY GOD validates who I really am. It's hard, but I know what I need to work on now. Thank you.

oldsoul1122

When I don't have unrealistic or too high expectations of people then I'm not so disappointed. It also helps me to muster up a feeling of compassion and it melts away my irritation.

tomsteve

not my circus
not my monkeys.



Perhaps the best thing of all for me is to remember
that my serenity is inversely proportional to my expec-
tations. The higher my expectations of other
people are, the lower is my serenity. I can watch my
serenity level rise when I discard my expectations.
But then my “rights” try to move in, and they too can
force my serenity level down. I have to discard my
“rights,” as well as my expectations, by asking myself,
How important is it, really? How important is it com-
pared to my serenity, my emotional sobriety? And
when I place more value on my serenity and sobriety
than on anything else, I can maintain them at a higher
level—at least for the time being.
Acceptance is the key to my relationship with God
today. I never just sit and do nothing while waiting
for Him to tell me what to do. Rather, I do whatever
is in front of me to be done, and I leave the results up
to Him; however it turns out, that’s God’s will for me.
I must keep my magic magnifying mind on my ac-
ceptance and off my expectations, for my serenity is
directly proportional to my level of acceptance. When
I remember this, I can see I’ve never had it so good.

awuh1

Those people who are drinking and/or using likely are threatened by the fact that you acknowledge that you have a problem. If you have a problem then what does that say about them?

The people who don't use and/or drink excessively might not understand because they lack the ability to place themselves in your shoes.

In either case ask yourself why you don't like this. I'd suggest that it's because this lack of understanding does not make you feel good. How I felt was supremely important when I was drinking.
I had to find something else to replace the pleasure principle as the basis of my life.

I now find that doing something meaningful is a much satisfying. Those things that displease me are just opportunities for growth.

fantail

It sounds like you're falling into the hole of trying to use other people as your mirrors. I've been there... where other people's reactions to me, their validation of me and my thoughts, were crucial to my happiness. Not only is it a very unstable thing to stake your happiness on, it's not fair to the people in your life. It's toxic to your relationships if what you value in the people around you is just how they support your own self image. Where I've found relief from this is by focusing on myself and building my relationship with myself to where I feel good enough to trust my own self-perceptions. I don't need other people to tell me if I'm doing OK or not. As a result I'm able to let go of trying to force them to be one way or the other. I can support them more fully because I'm not using them any more. Do you see what I'm saying? If your friends are struggling with their own addiction issues, your goal is to be in a place where you can offer them compassion, not blame them for not offering you the right kind of validation. When you get to that place you'll be happier and a better friend.

When it comes to how to do that on a practical level, for me one of the biggest things was learning how to self sooth. By practicing over and over treating myself well and working through negative emotions... through exercise, activities, quiet time, etc... I've mostly gotten to a place where I can primarily support myself. That's crucial for letting go of my sense of entitlement to other people's thoughts and reactions.

thomas11

I believe it comes from within. Trying to change others is often futile. Turn the focus on yourself. Acceptance is not the same as defeat.