Does anyone have kids?
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 8,614
But what can break our hearts more than anything else is indifference. A state of being in which we truly believe that absolutely no one cares.
I am sorry I do not mean to thread hijack I was just taken aback as I have not seen anyone make this observation about children before, in black and white.
Behindblueyes I am glad to see you here, I know you have struggled so much recently. I haven't much to offer but I was thinking what first came to mind was- could you put yourself in her shoes? What would you need/want if you were her in such a situation? And also that it has to be difficult with an autistic child. I met a few while I was a nanny and yes that does seem hard for the child and the parent too. Wonderful kids but challenging.
I am sorry I haven't anything great to offer here but do please stay sober, I know that much is a basic building block to any success with this.
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 709
Behindblueeyes, I have a 10 yr old son and 18 yr old triplets. Unfortunately, I am now going through my second divorce. My 10 yr old is from my second husband so we are in the same boat, age-wise. There are a few possibilities here, most of which have been mentioned by other posters.
Obviously, your daughter is angry and you're the only person she feels safe enough to express it to. I'm not sure what your ex is like, but do you think he criticizes you in front of her, or maybe the new woman does so? That was my first thought. Why else would your daughter call you a "loser?" Is your ex controlling? That could be another thing that upsets your daughter. My ex is is like that and our son is afraid to even disagree with his dad because it's taken as disrespect. (But over here, he feels a little TOO free to do so! He is also starting to talk back and such.)
Of course, any anger she has toward you and/or drinking should be addressed with the therapist. What does he/she say about your daughter's outbursts?
Divorce is extremely hard on kids. Despite that, they still need boundries. Maybe even more so than usual. Don't allow her to get away with disrespectfulness and name calling. Make sure that she knows you're in charge, not her. It is scary for a child to think they're the one in charge. They need parents to establish limits.
Also, I'm not sure what meds she's on, but some of the ADHD ones can have anger and irritability as a side effect. My daughter was on several of them over the years and she hated the way they made her feel.
You are right to be concerned -- the teenage years aren't for sissies! That's why it's important you lay the foundation now. And most important, stay sober. Raising kids is hard enough and alcohol just adds another layer of challenges.
Obviously, your daughter is angry and you're the only person she feels safe enough to express it to. I'm not sure what your ex is like, but do you think he criticizes you in front of her, or maybe the new woman does so? That was my first thought. Why else would your daughter call you a "loser?" Is your ex controlling? That could be another thing that upsets your daughter. My ex is is like that and our son is afraid to even disagree with his dad because it's taken as disrespect. (But over here, he feels a little TOO free to do so! He is also starting to talk back and such.)
Of course, any anger she has toward you and/or drinking should be addressed with the therapist. What does he/she say about your daughter's outbursts?
Divorce is extremely hard on kids. Despite that, they still need boundries. Maybe even more so than usual. Don't allow her to get away with disrespectfulness and name calling. Make sure that she knows you're in charge, not her. It is scary for a child to think they're the one in charge. They need parents to establish limits.
Also, I'm not sure what meds she's on, but some of the ADHD ones can have anger and irritability as a side effect. My daughter was on several of them over the years and she hated the way they made her feel.
You are right to be concerned -- the teenage years aren't for sissies! That's why it's important you lay the foundation now. And most important, stay sober. Raising kids is hard enough and alcohol just adds another layer of challenges.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 341
Sorry I missed all these posts!
It's likely that she feels out of control"- Yes she has been diagnosed OCD and has to count, rearrange and control everything. This child has so many diagnoses from so many psych and doctors. I have had her at three different therapists. One dropped her entirely and just stopped answering her calls.
When she goes to the therapist, she will talk about how she is not getting along with this or that friend at school. She never really wants to talk about dad or the other side. Then, when we get in the car she will go "You know why I can't stand dad's new wife" and I have to go waaait why didn't you talk about that in there?
She likes to pin us all against each other for attention.
zjw- No she has zero rules over there. No chores, just video games. She has always had rules here since she could walk she was doing chores. I have never changed households or brought anyone in here. I think she would entirely lose it if i dated.
zlhzlh- YES as soon as she would get on the bus some days (when I was cut to part time), or on the weekends where she would go to her dads and say "Im going to go live with him because I hate it here!" I would wait for her to leave and hit the bottle until I could stop crying. I sat alone at home and did this so no one could see me. I would text her dad saying she had just thrown this or done that and he would say "WOW, you have problems, she never does that to me". So, that made it worse. I thought if I OD'd and died at least they would have their "perfect" little family without me.
sleepie- I guess what I would want is a therapist and my fathers attention. She is getting a therapist but isn't using it to talk about what really matters (her anger). I am staying single so I can devote all my time to her. I don't know what else to give. Ideas?
uncorked- Yes I think he and his wife say things or give cues (eyerolls) when she talks about me in a negative way. I know she talks about me there because she comes home and does the same thing here. I say "That's nice" and move on. I know parental alienation can cause loss of custody and I don't want her hating me more. She doesn't understand drinking. She has seen my dad drink out of a can and said "wow you drink a lot of pop". That was last year. She also listens to horrible music and talks about "shots of vodka" and "beind turnt up". I have asked her what it means and she has no idea. This music is not allowed in my house.
It's likely that she feels out of control"- Yes she has been diagnosed OCD and has to count, rearrange and control everything. This child has so many diagnoses from so many psych and doctors. I have had her at three different therapists. One dropped her entirely and just stopped answering her calls.
When she goes to the therapist, she will talk about how she is not getting along with this or that friend at school. She never really wants to talk about dad or the other side. Then, when we get in the car she will go "You know why I can't stand dad's new wife" and I have to go waaait why didn't you talk about that in there?
She likes to pin us all against each other for attention.
zjw- No she has zero rules over there. No chores, just video games. She has always had rules here since she could walk she was doing chores. I have never changed households or brought anyone in here. I think she would entirely lose it if i dated.
zlhzlh- YES as soon as she would get on the bus some days (when I was cut to part time), or on the weekends where she would go to her dads and say "Im going to go live with him because I hate it here!" I would wait for her to leave and hit the bottle until I could stop crying. I sat alone at home and did this so no one could see me. I would text her dad saying she had just thrown this or done that and he would say "WOW, you have problems, she never does that to me". So, that made it worse. I thought if I OD'd and died at least they would have their "perfect" little family without me.
sleepie- I guess what I would want is a therapist and my fathers attention. She is getting a therapist but isn't using it to talk about what really matters (her anger). I am staying single so I can devote all my time to her. I don't know what else to give. Ideas?
uncorked- Yes I think he and his wife say things or give cues (eyerolls) when she talks about me in a negative way. I know she talks about me there because she comes home and does the same thing here. I say "That's nice" and move on. I know parental alienation can cause loss of custody and I don't want her hating me more. She doesn't understand drinking. She has seen my dad drink out of a can and said "wow you drink a lot of pop". That was last year. She also listens to horrible music and talks about "shots of vodka" and "beind turnt up". I have asked her what it means and she has no idea. This music is not allowed in my house.
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Iowa
Posts: 16
Hi BBE- first of all, thank you for having the guts to post here about your child- I know so many of us on here have kids, but we shy away from that discussion because it is sooooo tender. Second, I am a lurker, one who never posts, but your entry struck so close to home!
When I was 9, 10, 11, 12, I was smoking cigarettes, weed, then doing coke and LSD. The 80's were not a great time to be a kid, kind of seems like nobody was paying attention!
I guess what I want to remind you of here, is that your daughter is 9 years old. Throughout the discussion here, it just sounds like the child in question is maybe 16, 17, 18. She is 9. This is a baby. I have a 13 year old who sounds decidedly like the girl you describe, but also a 10 year old boy who is sooooo young. It honestly sounds like she's playing a role, and very well at that. This one needs hugs, and a step back. Maybe you were old for your age, like me? It's really hard to differentiate, I know. Forgive me if I overstep, just feeling you, sister. Thank you again for being so brave.
When I was 9, 10, 11, 12, I was smoking cigarettes, weed, then doing coke and LSD. The 80's were not a great time to be a kid, kind of seems like nobody was paying attention!
I guess what I want to remind you of here, is that your daughter is 9 years old. Throughout the discussion here, it just sounds like the child in question is maybe 16, 17, 18. She is 9. This is a baby. I have a 13 year old who sounds decidedly like the girl you describe, but also a 10 year old boy who is sooooo young. It honestly sounds like she's playing a role, and very well at that. This one needs hugs, and a step back. Maybe you were old for your age, like me? It's really hard to differentiate, I know. Forgive me if I overstep, just feeling you, sister. Thank you again for being so brave.
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Join Date: Feb 2016
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Yes, children. They suffered the most from my years of benzo and booze abuse. They are both lovely, kind women and I feel blessed. There were some extremely hard times with them acting out at various stages of growing up. My only true gift to them now is to remain sober and present for them and their children, no matter what.
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