Mother's Day for Orphans
 

What I used to do, on Mother's Day was go out and enjoy myself at the bar and ignore the day, or tell myself I was celebrating another year having survived her. She is undiagnosed mentally ill, likely borderline personality, a sadist and I would not be surprised if she is a sociopath.

So, what to do for those of us who had not a mother, or a father, but abusers instead? Abusers were not, are not and never will be sorry for what they did, who would do it again?

This is a death, this kind of loss. I "lost" both my parents years and years ago in the sense that I never had parents to begin with- and lost so much more because of the many kinds of abuse I was forced to endure. It is profound, lasting and ever revealing how I was affected by my abuse. It is different than the literal loss of a parent or other kinds of abuse- because it is unacceptable to mention, it will make others uncomfortable. And the twisted edge in this silence that survivor's often keep about what was done to them implies complicity with the actions of their abusers, to the great satisfaction of their abusers. The perfect crime. How insane is that? What mental anguish it causes.

Often, abuse survivors are expected to suffer in silence, to be deeply affected in ways that are revealed only with time, awakening more sadness, more mourning, more loss and more "work" to do instead of simply living life. Any mention of parental abuse is often met with "Get your head out of the past" or "You aren't with them anymore" kind of remarks. It simply makes others too uncomfortable to hear of it, or maybe they simply cannot relate and are bored with it- either way it equates to more loss and alienation on the survivor's part.

Surviving abuse is an ongoing loss with many facets. It is not as cut and dry a simply excising the events from one's memory or acknowledgement. But often, we are not sympathized with, we are not understood and we carry it all too often in stride, with a smile on our face, as we are expected to or we pay dearly.

And so we drink.

Mother's Day. I went "No Contact" with mine many years ago, and it was one of the single wisest decisions I ever made. It was the only thing I ever truly decided for myself, and gave to myself. That one act. I am scolded for this and made to pay in various ways, socially- "You only have one set of parents" etc. if the subject is brought up. Or, I become suspect- "What did she do to get disowned" if I politely mention I am not close with my parents- when in fact it is the other way around. For some reason parents are still blameless, ultimately, even when they commit acts on their children that would land them in hand cuff's if they were acted upon an adult.

What to do fellow survivor's, what to do? I don't like the day, I have nothing to honor.

I'm in a similar boat as you.

I remind myself how healthy I have been becoming since separating myself from my toxic abusive parents. I use Mother's Day as an excuse to mother myself. I do small things that make me happy--take a walk and window shop, buy a fancy drink at one of those coffee shops, go bird watching, anything to take my mind off the negativity of my past.

I know it's hard but you MUST ignore those people who do not understand your situation and say things like "You only have one set of parents", etc. It is extremely hard for people from normal families to wrap their heads around the fact that some parents are just very sick and/or abusive. I usually just smile and say, "I'm not close to my parents" and I know that makes me look bad, so I've been lately saying "My parents were abusive" and that usually shuts people up fast. My therapist says I could also make a joke out of it, like, "I'm not in touch with them and it's a good thing."

I knew a hairdresser once who was no contact with her parents, and the way she said it was with complete and utter confidence and in a no-b.s. sort of way. It stopped anyone in their tracks to even think about asking her why, or even think about her being an awful daughter for doing that. I think I will try to do that. She was standing firm in her truth. I respect that. How can you not?

I struggle with this a lot, though. I sometimes end up babbling like crazy as a way to defend my actions and show people what I mean. But I don't have to answer to anyone, and neither do you. Just keep living your truth and be good to yourself.

I used to be extremely depressed on Mother's Day, especially witnessing all the mothers and daughters going out and doing things together. Even commercials or Mother's Day cards in the stores would trigger me to full blown self-pity depression. These days, I can actually smile when I see a mother and daughter enjoying each other's company and be happy for them. But it took a long time in recovery to get to this place. My step work helped with it a lot, as it helped me see that some people are just spiritually sick and even though it always felt personal, the way they treated me said more about THEM than it does about me.

It still angers me that there's a stigma out there that it's not socially acceptable to go no contact with your own parents. Jeez I wish Oprah would write an article about it so it'd become socially acceptable already!! (haha)

Hope sharing my experience helps.

I'm lucky in that i've made peace with my mom and she wasnt as bad as an offender as my stepfather. And come fathers day I got my biological father in the picture. I dont speak to my step father any more and its kinda nice for me becuase i never saw him as "father" so come fathers day he honestly doesnt even cross my mind usually.

But one example of what i get to deal with on a daily basis is like i mentioned to you with learning this instrument. I was very anxious on the way to the class could barely sleep the night before then the night after I couldnt so worried i'd fail and not do it right etc.. and like you said go at your own pace you are right But with my upbringing I'm like trained to expect the worse if i dont show adequate progress and do well or if I'm not meeting some expectation Its like the inner child in me is panic sticken about the coming beating or screaming session because I'm not getting it fast enough and is panicing even tho this sorta thing no longer ever happens to me anymore. Its almost a part of me now with any undertaking. I"m always waiting for my actions to be met with swift and harsh consequences weather my actiosna re good or bad etc.. alway afraid the worst is right around the corner.

I have my abusive parents to thank for that. As if i didnt have enough anxiety as a child etc..

lucky for me in the years since i've sobered up I've learned lots of ways to calm myself I'm far from an expert but i'm getting there. So while its still bad at times its not near as bad as it once was.

In your situation it just sounds like your better of without them. For me I'm estatic my stepfathers no longer in the picture I couldnt be happier.

I wonder if you could like be a big sister to a little kid or something or volunteer with some kids maybe give them something you never had that sorta thing.

I sat here today watching my daughter learn this instrument and thought look at her not a care in the world cool as a cucumber plugging along learning this. I wanted to ask her what is that like? cause when i was a kid I never got to feel like that. I was always terrified of the next beating etc.. But I thought ya know its nice that 'm able to give my kids a somewhat normal childhood something I NEVER had.

and not one of my kids is anywhere NEAR as bad as my parents made me out to be. This tells me that my problem growing up was more there problem then mine!

I dont think kids are bad But i think conditions can make them that way sadly or make them feel that way.

Took growing up to for me to figure hey wtf i'm a decent person i'm not some awful person like my parents made me out to be. Tryijng to get that confidence back was really hard.

Oh man I do that too!!

(((sweet sleepie))).

I don't have any experience. My only inexperienced suggestion is that you give yourself the love, respect and kindness you so rightfully deserved and should have received from your parents..

Wow did i relate to this post!! I have also had no contact with my mother in about five years, like you, one of the wisest decisions i ever made. I have children so i do celebrate it in a special way, if i did not, i think it would be like any other day to me, one of no importance.

Thanks for your input guys I was kind of afraid I was going to get in trouble with someone for this post. Rather typical of an abuse survivor, isn't it? Mum's the word (sorry for the pun).

Well you all have brought forth and put into words more than I was able to. Thank you for responding because it really helps to gain some clarity. It is so hard to unglue yourself from this kind of experience, since it is not a one time occurrence but many years of abuse, and during one's formative years to boot. And so it's quite a task to remove yourself enough to say "This is what happened" and "This is how it affected me". It's tough for anyone to be objective about their early life, I think, and things are so very distorted for those with abuse in their past. There's the murkiness that can happen about what actually happened and how- I had things brought up by a sibling years ago that I had completely forgotten about that were done to me. There is that kind of ongoing discovery. And the light bulbs that go off with them. These things are not to be forgotten. Sweeping them under the rug is a good recipe for addiction, as many here are living proof.

It is not self pity to examine these things, to feel them, to mourn one's losses. Again I will say it is no less profound than the literal loss of a parent. But we get all the extra baggage with it, and the judgement, the being misunderstood and alienation. It is a very lonely life to have a childhood destroyed and be then thrust into adulthood with adult responsibilities. Personally, this has fueled a very existential fear in me- I have always been very afraid of death as I feel I have never lived, never had a carefree moment in life. The loss of childhood, and it being replaced with many years of fear, chaos, violence, threat and rejection- by the very people who are meant to protect you, help you to grow- is a thing that cuts to the very marrow and is just as slow to heal, if ever. It is truly a Rubik's Cube of a dilemma- just when you have one thing figured out, there's another plane that's a jumbled mess that needs fixing.

^this! :-)

Hi sleepie,

I did not have a close relationship with my mother either although it was nothing similar to direct abuse or desertion. More like a very erratic mix of indifference and intrusiveness, and dyfunctional forms of "nurture" that led to many years of struggles into my mid-20's (with an eating disorder). And a life-long issue with trusting and being able to rely on women in any authority role (although this had improved a lot after my mid-30's). I don't have an issue making friends with women (well, more or less), but when it comes to authority, a very different plot. She was a very sad and troubled person in many ways, an abandoned child with abusive foster parents in her own childhood, and suffered from depression throughout her life, I think. Sadly, I did not care to get to know her this way before she passed away now almost 10 years ago -- I would handle her very differently now. I think she had an intense desperation for love and belonging but could never find it or create it within or in her relationships. Sad story. Basically what happened was that even I (her only child) detached myself from her at a very young age (4-5) and never let her close in any way, and pretty much ignored her when she was old and sick before her death (that was also the time when my alcoholism took off steep). I don't dwell on this much now but the long term effects are there and, I believe, will always be there with me. I also believe that this relationship with my mom contributed to a large extent to my never wanting kids/family when young, until recent years (the kids part failed though). I think I have accepted these things by now though and don't feel much resentment, although it's always interesting when my mom comes up in my therapy sessions, for example.

So in terms of playing a maternal role, the closest I got was supervising students, which I love immensely. One of my students had a similar experience with her mother to yours (based on your description), well actually both parents. She always feel quite uneasy around Mother's Day. What she plans to do this year is to do some volunteer work with children. She also has a therapist that is a sort of mother supplement for her (has been for almost 3 years now).

I definitely don't think it's self-pity to examine these things in our past, I do it myself quite heavily. What often helps me more though is finding some sort of "corrective experience" (like the students for me or what my student does) that goes beyond contemplation and examination. Obviously these are limited forms of substitution, but can sometimes be fulfilling.

yes, this ^^^

:hug: :hug: :hug:

I've found that volunteering with animals and adopting pets that I mother brings me "corrective experience".

I also love viewing photos or videos of mother and baby animals online. Photos of human mothers and babies brings me great pain, sadness, and emptiness but viewing animal mothers and babies online (or in real life) lights up my soul and brings me joy.

No relationship with my mother either and a counsellor supported me through this decision years ago. I then went back on this when I had my own child to see if there was any chance she could be a grandmother............... yeah, no prizes, she was terrible and used this as a way to get to me again. So I had to separate all over again.
Not a physically abusive childhood, unless you count some serious smacks in the face (yes, just realised actually they count!), but terrible neglect, criticism and divide and conquer among all her kids.
I never mention her in my life out of choice and if asked I get the same feelings others are talking about, guilt, shame.............. Why??
My siblings are in contact with her, not much though and blame me for separating completely, so family life is nothing for me, no support ever. I have contact with one brother, but generally they know nothing of me. It's a lonely place.
My main healing is my role as mother, we've always been very close and my daughter has never been in any doubt she's loved. Now I'm sober, I'm so much better at this, so much.
Maternal love to all on this thread. We are good folk, our parents just didn't or couldn't see it.
xx

Oh yes, the animals! :) I had many pets in my childhood. After I had moved out of my parental home in my late teens, I mostly had small animals: rodents and fish... I lived a lifestyle with little time spent home and lots of traveling, so I never thought I could care for anything more demanding. And did not have the confidence that I could, either.

Until last fall! When we got two baby cats, siblings from the same litter. I still would not keep a dog (even though I love them) because we live in a city apartment and still a lot of time spent away from home, but the cats are amazing. When I relapsed with drinking earlier this year, one of the moments that mentally kicked me into action to get help and be done with that awful episode was when I just lied around drunk and lazy in my room in the absence of my husband (he was traveling), in the company of the vodka bottle, feeling sorry for myself. The cats came to me affectionately as ever, I guess not knowing what was going on with me, and I would push them away. But they would not give up. I think I will never forget that moment when the realization came to me intensely, that I am pushing away some genuine love, wanting to escape into drunkville and into my ***ed up head again. I looked at my kitties and was suddenly felt a very intense wave of sadness. That was not the binge episode when I finally made the call to rehab, but close. So yeah I definitely second the idea of pets.

(Oh, and my main research project in current years is about development, and the long term effects of early life disruptions. Involved lots of work with animal families :) )

Hope you are feeling reasonably well, dear sleepie :hug:

I completely get this! I finally figured out that my animals weren't bugging me. They were sensing I wasn't right and were coming to help heal me with their love. It pained me to realize I pushed them away.

When I was in IOP one time, a woman who was extremely depressed and drinking, kept complaining how her little dog lately would bother her to play ball when she was crawled up in bed, and she kept yelling at her to go away and leave her alone. I shared my experience, and she came back the next day to say that she now believes her dog was trying to get her to play to get her out of her funk.

I truly believe in the healing power of pets.

I was a nanny for years. It was my favorite job, but it didn't fix anything. I used to come home and just cry. I could not believe how safe, how loved the kids were. I mean not one single tiny lick of fear. Their parents actually treated them like real human beings that mattered and I could not even fathom it. They took care with their feelings. I wasn't even allowed to have a feeling or I was going to get it. It was chaos, fear and violence growing up. And a lot of emotional and psychological abuse. I just felt horrible after seeing how real parents treat their children. It was like they actually, genuinely cared about them as human beings. I just could not wrap my head around it. And the kids they acted like they had a right to things in life... I was made to be "grateful" for basic needs like housing and clothing.

It's why I have never felt I deserve anything and also why I really don't care to listen to people who get on my case about the whole grateful thing and gratitude list. Not gonna happen. I mean I needed a therapist to point out that shelter and food are things parents have to provide unless they want to end up in jail. It was like they expected us to worship the ground they walked on for feeding us, and then be "grateful" we only got a beating, or knocked around because it was so much worse when they grew up. And always forced to smile or get the "look" off my face because I was such a downer, and wasn't "cheerful and bright and happy" after I just got smacked around and degraded verbally, or cruelly teased about my looks by my own family.

Yeah... no thanks, not grateful for any of that. Nope. I think I'd rather write a "return" list instead of a gratitude list- that would do me more good.

Hugs sleepie.
I hate these Hallmark holidays! I hope you do something for yourself and just have yourself a special Sunday :)

Hi kittycat3 thank you :)

Sleepie, my psychiatrist put a name on these kinds of mothers. "Dry teat". They have nothing to give. It's just not there. No manner of excellence is going to be rewarded, it's not in them. No number of awards, merits, successes or accomplishments are going to get their admiration, It's just not in them. It's not personal, they don't have it to give.

When I learned that part, it helped me so much. She could not give me what I needed or wanted not because she was withholding, but because it was never there, and never would be.

I let go. I moved on. No big drama, I just lost all interest in seeking her approval. Months went by before she called me, curious, we had a brief, neutral conversation, and that was it.

Until she got sick and I was dragged back in by my own guilt.

I'm glad you cut bait. Don't look back. There's nothing to see. And quit letting her call the shots in your life. Acknowledging her inabilities to parent without assigning emotion is good. You deserve to live free.

Love from Lenina

Lenina I know that you care but "move on let go" and such are rather like the thing I was saying about people expecting you to just excise the experience of basically living in your own privately, personally tailored hell for the first two decades of life, including your formative years and just "leave it in the past".

Now people, stop and think about the phrase "formative" years. Ok. It forms you. That's how it works. This is not a choice to feel as I do-as people seem to think it is- when you are tasked with the ongoing situation of trying to undo things and find out what/who you are. It is no small feat and involves much heartbreak, many losses and sad realizations. It isn't just "Welp, that's all over now, cool. Yay me. Time to go do my life now". Doesn't work that way.

This is a perfect example of something nobody would ever dare say to someone who literally lost a parent- but when you lose both to abuses, as well as the self you never got to be... you're just making a choice to live in the past and not "let go".

What else would you have the forum say Sleepie? Would you rather that we just agree with you and say that you are doomed for life? I'm sorry to say you won't find that here. You receive a massive amount of helpful support here, but some of it wont be exactly what you want to hear. That applies to all of us. Rather than calling those out you don't agree with I'd suggest focusing on what helps and passing on the rest. At the end of the day we are all here to get better.