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Mother's Day for Orphans

Old 05-07-2016, 06:49 PM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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Things not to say to a Survivor - Help for Adult Victims Of Child Abuse - HAVOCA

Number 9 and number 13- so very true. I know plenty of alcoholics are survivors. I have to wonder who might be lurking, I hope they can get something from this thread especially with the upcoming holiday tomorrow.

It has always been a very sad day for me. I am already seeing the facebook posts about motherhood and mother's day. And I must keep my mouth shut, as I had to while enduring 20 years of abuse. Mouth shut.

For myself, and probably others here, addiction ties in very closely with my abuse. It makes sense to seek the reassurance, the comfort you never got to experience in life. Who wouldn't? That is something I reflect on often. I miss the comfort of drinking, so much. Just knowing that I had that, if nothing else to look forward to in my day.

Anxiety mounts for me as the holiday nears and my next round of tests come up this Monday at the neuro psychologist's.
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Old 05-07-2016, 07:43 PM
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Don't tell me after I've been traumatized that recovering from trauma or abuse is my "journey." I would have much preferred to go on a trip to Paris.

Don't tell me that I've "battled against demons." It was never a fair fight, or a fight at all. I never had a chance. And there are no winners following a war. Everything in life is irrevocably changed, and some of the damage cannot be undone.

Don't try to fix me. The only thing that's broken is my heart, and I don't believe that anything can help me with that besides trying to work through a hellhole of feelings I didn't sign up for.

Don't accuse me of being a "victim." I didn't ask for this. Making progress according to your criteria and your schedule only reminds me of having been traumatized. I may be starving for TLC and genuine affection, but I'm tired of settling for stale breadcrumbs.

Empathize with my despair, but don't tell me that I can never heal, that I can never experience goodness in my life. Even when I'm adamant that this is the case.

If you don't have anything to say, or can't think of anything to say, then it's usually a good thing to remain silent. It helps when you just sit with me in silence. It's the ultimate act of "being there" for me.
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Old 05-07-2016, 08:08 PM
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Noone's asking you to keep your mouth shut Sleepie

A lot of us have extraordinarily difficult familial relationships and it's natural for some of us to want to share with you the things that have led us to a place of healing.

Noone wants to dismiss your pain, tell you we had it worse, tell you that it doesn't matter, or for you pretend it didn't happen.

We simply care and we want the best for you, like any friend would do.

D
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Old 05-07-2016, 08:24 PM
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I didn't say anyone was asking me outright, Dee. What I am saying is- it is not seen as appropriate for me or other survivors to say much in the face of these kinds of holidays or occasions. Now anyone else can say they lost a parent and even if it was 30 years in the past, nobody will tell them to get over it or that it was a long time ago. But the losses suffered by survivors are often treated in that manner. And in this way, we are encouraged to keep our mouths shut, out there in the world. And we are also judged as I mentioned previously- "If it wasn't for your parents you wouldn't be here"... or "You only have one set of parents" and even once in my case "You should make amends".


The horror of that one... I quit speaking to that person. Amends to your abusers.....? That one really had my head spinning. All of that kind of thing is just perpetuating abuse on someone who has already suffered.
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Old 05-07-2016, 08:26 PM
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I'm glad you felt safe enough to start the discussion here.
It seems like quite a few others appreciated it too

D
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Old 05-07-2016, 08:30 PM
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I hope I didn't make a mistake in doing so.

I used to just drink my way right through this holiday. Seems to me it would be better to be able to talk about things rather than drink things away.

I could be wrong.
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Old 05-08-2016, 03:07 AM
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its not a holiday.
its a day. may 8, 2016.
its a day, just like every other, i can chose to live in my past and be negative or live in today and thank God He gave me another day to get out of my selfish, selfcentered crap and think about others.
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Old 05-08-2016, 04:03 AM
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Best wishes on getting through today and also your tests on Monday, Sleepie.
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Old 05-08-2016, 04:34 AM
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Thanks FormerbeerLover, I appreciate that. This is not a day that I look forward to and it's back to back with the tests...
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Old 05-08-2016, 12:59 PM
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I hate mothers day. I always have. Along with my birthday. I hate listening to the radio I hate walking through stores I just hate any kind of insinuation that any day ever is somehow supposed to be devoted to me. On these days I hate having a phone and I'm glad I don't have Facebook. I have so much anger and resentment towards me being born and the joke of celebrating that day or any of these other days. I'd rather crawl under a rock and die. And even still. There is no place I cam go to get away from it. I ******* hate all of these days.
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Old 05-08-2016, 01:11 PM
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(((( hug everyone))))

Mother's day isn't a bad one for me- but father's day is a bit

Xoxo

Hope everyone has a good day.
Turn off facebook and give yourselves a treat
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Old 05-08-2016, 01:33 PM
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I don't do Facebook so no worries there.
Sending you hugs today and tomorrow (and everyday) sleepie. .. and to everyone else having a hard time


It's just another day that I'd like to lose my phone and get away from everything.
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Old 05-08-2016, 06:41 PM
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I can only speak from my own experience, but I was angry with my parents for decades - at my father for being an abusive narcissist and at my mother for letting herself crumble under the weight of his abuse. I blamed him for my mother's addictions, and then I blamed her for teaching me how to be an addict, and then I blamed him for hard-wiring anxiety and distrust into my brain, and then I blamed her for not being able to step up after he (thankfully) abandoned us, and on and on...

I spent my teens and twenties and thirties avoiding them both. Maybe I softened, but after my mom died (she was little older than I am now), Mother's Day turned from a day of anger to one of grief, and then I found myself living geographically closer to my father, and I got to know him, perhaps better than I would have liked. But I found my anger toward him soften, also, because he was a lonely, bitter, pathetic, shell of a man. After he died, Father's Day changed from a day to be angry to a day to be relieved.

I am an orphan and I am a survivor (in more ways than one). You're a survivor, too. I am that I am. It is what it is. Tomorrow the sun will rise and in the evening it will set. And for now I can breathe.
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