SugarPlumBunny

So, I've relapsed after 6 years of being sober and I surprisingly do not feel too bad about it. I feel more so confused and fragile but not guilty. I know I should, but I don't. I'm being honest. My mind is really confused and maybe I'm in denial but I really need some advice. I guess tough love is welcomed, but please be kind. I'm feeling really fragile.

I went to a hookah place 3 times on 3 separate days with 3 separate groups of friends. I was able to drink a few beers during these times and stop and go home once done. I was able to drink water and drive home safely. My partner does not know about this but, I did bring up to him about possibly "drinking in moderation" again (one of many talks), but he said "it's really not about the 'amount' that you drink, but your associations with alcohol and how you feel it is so important to social interactions'. He said that ((about my consumption) 'when I used to drink, I would use it to deal with my issues and my issues would not ever get resolved, which would only further make my problems worse'. I told him 'isn't that why people drink? To take a step back and either 1) re-assess their issue(s) or 2) temporarily forget their issues? He has never been a drinker really, so that's why I feel like maybe he just doesn't "really" understand. We did used to drink together when we first got many years ago but he quit drinking when I did.

Another thing is that I purposely sought out some friends that very rarely drink and was very hopeful that these friends would help me see that we can hang out WITHOUT drinking. Well, as it turns out, each of these friends separately, and surprisingly, went out and got drunk and now I feel resentful and just.. deprived. I feel so resentful. I cannot tell my partner that I relapsed, we will be DONE and I just love him too much and just need help to know what I should do.

I know it should be seen "as a blessing" b/c being sober has given me so many strengths and gave me opportunities that I never would've had while being a regular drinker (even a weekend only drinker). Being sober really helped me develop character and an actual personality, but sometimes I want to chill and have some beers. At the same time, however, drinking at those hookah outings gave me HOPE because I was actually able to control my drinking at those hookah places. When I went out and drank those few beers those nights, I wasn't out being a crazy black-out drunk. I wasn't sloppy, nor did anything escalate at all! I drank water after I was done and was perfectly fine to drive after I drank the water and I did pace myself.

I just really need some thoughts on how to change my mindset. I know it doesn't seem like I'm desperate, but I really am. I am dying inside because I have this internal battle of what I want (alcohol in moderation) and my partner so bad. What if I COULD moderate my drinking and find someone who I could drink with/moderate with? But then, what if I make the wrong decision and break up with my love? My partner keeps telling me that I'm buying into the BS of marketing and illusions that alcohol companies are trying to sell. He says I'm buying it hard, hook line and sinker. I really do not want to lose my partner over alcohol and he is not open to the idea of me drinking in moderation. Thank you so much in advance.

Soberwolf

Good to see you back on the road of recovery

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...at-we-did.html

doggonecarl

Your partner is right. You want to drink "normally" but you don't have a normal person's relationship with alcohol. You put alcohol ahead of your sobriety and possibly your relationship with your significant other.

I don't know what kind of alcoholic chaos brought you to seek sobriety six years ago, but I bet it wasn't moderate drinking, the pipe dream of every alcoholic. Don't know what to tell you. If you can't accept never drinking again...you will drink, again. And will have to face the consequences of that decision.

Ask yourself, "Why is alcohol so important to me?"

SugarPlumBunny

Thanks So much doggonecarl for your response! I was a very heavy drinker and part of me feels like I purposely drank so much to impress everyone with how much a tiny girl like me could drink (5'0 98 LBs), but I knew deep down that I didn't Have to drink so much, I was trying to Prove I could drink so much. This is why I'm thinking now I could do the whole moderation thing.

I absolutely love my partner so much and I know that he even knows me better than I know myself. It's just hard to feel like he can truly understand since he wasn't really a drinker. I guess I do have to come to terms that what he's saying is right, that it is my chemical dependency and associations that are the issue with alcohol. Plus, he said I use it to control my anxiety which, only makes my anxiety worse in the long run. And definitely no more drinking behind his back since that is morally wrong And it is confusing the hell outta me.

Thanks so much again doggonecarl for reading my novel! Lol

doggonecarl

No problem. I sympathize with your struggle. It is hard when you feel deprived of something (alcohol) despite the benefits that have no doubt come from sobriety.

I myself am coming on to six years sober. Maybe its because I drank longer than you--35 years--perhaps I was brought down lower than you, I don't know. But I don't feel deprived because I can't drink. Not one bit. Sobriety isn't a punishment. Just the opposite. I give thanks every day that I am free from the chains of alcohol and addiction.

But I imagine that if the thought entered my head that I was missing something, it would be awfully hard to shake.

dox

Perhaps he has accepted the fact that you are an alcoholic and cannot drink normally?

I don't often quote the Big Book, but your post immediately brought to my mind Chapter 3: MORE ABOUT ALCOHOLISM.
Perhaps I heard it read out at a meeting recently.

This is how the chapter starts:

"MOST OF US have been unwilling to admit we were real alcoholics. No person likes to think he is bodily and mentally different from his fellows. Therefore, it is not surprising that our drinking careers have been characterized by countless vain attempts to prove we could drink like other people. The idea that somehow, someday he will control and enjoy his drinking is the great obsession of every abnormal drinker. The persistence of this illusion is astonishing."
~Alcoholics Anonymous, First Edition, page 30.

You may have read that before.
I have come to believe the wisdom in those words (for me anyway).
So, I wouldn't dream of risking my marriage for the sake of a few beers.

Take care, SugarPlumBunny.

2ndhandrose

"I told him 'isn't that why people drink? To take a step back and either 1) re-assess their issue(s) or 2) temporarily forget their issues? He has never been a drinker really, so that's why I feel like maybe he just doesn't "really" understand."

This really jumped out at me. Normal drinkers don't drink to check out or to assess their issues.

And you are right, as a normal drinker he probably doesn't understand, in the same way, as an alcoholic, I don't understand how normal drinkers can leave it easy as 1, 2, 3.

I wanted to be a normal drinker so much....realizing that was impossible for me and surrendering to sobriety was the most freeing decision I have ever made.

I hope you can find your way back before I did, 22 years later.

zjw

it sounds like by drinking even that little amt your sparked the obssession stoked the alcoholic furnace if you will. Its like its always this little tiny amber or something but you throw a little fuel on it and you gotta try and snuff it out again.

I wish I had a better answer but your thread made me think its odd timing I have almost 5 years and was just now sittin ghere thinking how come I havent relapsed? i mean so many people do how come I havent ? I also dont want to think its impossible because clearly its not.

thanks for your thread. reminds me I"m never safe.

Dee74

Hi sugarplumbunny

How/why did you stop 6 years ago?

D

fantail

Honestly from what you've written here I think it's impossible to know whether you're an alcoholic who's relapsed, or whether you're in a relationship with a guy who's kind of controlling and you used to party too much. It sounds like you're not sure either.

Do you have a therapist? That might be helpful. You don't have to keep drinking to figure this out, but you do need to figure it out somehow. If you stay sober for his sake while believing that you probably don't need to, then you'll resent him for it and mess up the relationship anyway.

Wish I had an answer for you. Hang in there, this stuff is tough. But you'll come out better the other side no matter what you learn about yourself.

jseattle

That is a lot to take in.

He fact that you want to be able to drink, that it is taking up so much of your psyche and causing a lot of emotion (like jealously of friends who did drink) tells me you shouldn't drink. You may be able to moderate for a while but eventually you will probably be back where you were. I don't believe that we are all the same but there are just too many people who get sober for a while, combine themselves they can moderate, and are back to old bad habits (and related self loathing). And the next time quitting is HARDER.

If you just decide you are sober once and for all you can focus on important things, not constantly bargaining with yourself.

But, I also think your boyfriend is being controlling in a deeply unhealthy way. Honestly it sounds borderline psychologically abusive. You don't need his permission to drink and you shouldn't abstain because you are afraid of him. You should abstain because alcohol is going to mess up your life.

jseattle

More thoughts. Re read your post. You are obsessed with being able to drink moderately. Obsessed. Fixated. Imagining a life where the star is moderate drinking. People who obsess about being able to drink can't drink. If drinking is taking up that much space in your mind, if you are fantasizing being with a man with whom you can drink, you are showing every sign of being an addict. If you didn't care either way, you could probably drink. It is the sad irony.

My husband quit when I quit. I think about alcohol a LOT. I worry about how I will enjoy a beautiful sunset or celebrate an accomplishment without a drink. He really doesn't care either way whether he has a drink or not. For him a cup of tea is almost as nice. So he can. I cannot.

You should find someone OTHER than your boyfriend to talk to. He is not a professional and your are in a relationship. However you also need to realize that your addictive voice is sitting on your shoulder screaming at you that you can drink.

Mountainmanbob

Hope that you are not going to throw away all good things
just so as to return to drinking.

But, I do understand for I did that many times myself.

Mountainmanbob

JeffreyAK

It does sound like you're obsessed with being able to drink moderately, so I'm guessing your relapse really started a long time ago when you decided to give those thoughts meaning and importance? Normal drinkers don't obsess over alcohol, addicts do that. That right there suggests to me that you're on a path to bad things if you stay on it, but sometimes we have to find our own truths.

At 5+ years, I'm quite certain that I would be able to do what you did, drink a couple beers in moderation and not get plastered, and go home and not stop for a bottle of vodka at the store. Probably even several times. But that very "victory" would feed the reptile, and the strength I would feel would be the addict voice feeding me the same old lies. Sooner or later, it would all go down the toilet.

advbike

This is a great thread, and you are getting really good feedback. I would agree with the others - you have an obsession with alcohol. Your thinking is textbook for an addict. I relapsed for decades because of that thinking, and my own obsession with alcohol, even though I never got a DUI, lost a job, or my home. I hope you can let go of it before it's too late. Have you ever attended AA meetings or worked the steps? It could be really helpful because it will help you let go of the resentment of not being able to drink, and even the desire to drink.

least

I'm with Carl. Getting sober isn't a punishment, it's a great relief to be free of that misery. I don't miss waking up hating myself and feeling horrible. I am grateful every day to be sober.