bluedog97

How do you deal with others who may deny your problem with alcohol. Maybe they're not aware of your struggles. Or maybe they have their own hang ups about it. Personally, I would never doubt someone's claim they're an alcoholic. How you run across anyone like this and how did/would you handle it?

I'll give a personal experience I had recently. I've posted about my last bender that put me in the ER/hospital for 5 days. I had poor kidneys and liver and was dehydrated. I had a family member recently tell me it had nothing to do with alcohol. This person even visited me in the hospital and saw me in that condition. I was wondering, what kind of denial is this? I sort of feel like I would if I had cancer and someone denied it. Needless to say it bothered me. This is someone I need to cut out of my life.

Thanks

Gottalife

They say every alcoholic (severe AUD) affects at least ten people directly aand some of them can end up even sicker than the alcoholic. Denial can be quite rife, based on things like similar behaviour - "I drink like you so if you have a problem I must too. I don't like that" through to "we don't have that sort of thing in OUR family"

Affected people can feel threatened by our recovery, or ashamed of our alcoholism. But the thing I experienced from people who knew me close up when drinking, they were absolutely delighted when I got help and began to make some progress. Those folks, my real friends and family, never once tried to tip me up.

More distant aquaintances had trouble with my age, I was very young when I recovered, and if they never saw me drinking, it was hard for them to understand why I didn't drink now. But it has never really been a problem . I just ignore them. Sometimes it is not even denial, just ignorance with a sprinkle of prejudice. What other people think is not that important in this context.

Gottalife

double post

aasharon90

I know who and what I am and no matter
how much I try or have tried to explain
my addiction and recovery to others, family,
friends, I can not make them understand.

I would try to explain till I was so sick
and tired that I had to use what was
taught to me in a program of recovery
to incorporate in all areas of my life,
people, places and things, and enforce
acceptance in all of them.

I cant make anyone to understand
addiction or recovery unless they
themselves are in one and have been
educated about it.

All that I am capable of is taking
care of me and my own recovery.
I don't have to explain anything
to anyone. This is my life, my mind,
body and soul and only I am responsible
for me.

I got so sick and tired over the past
yrs trying to explain me to them that
I finally separated myself from them
keeping limited interaction and
communication between them and
me.

Today, some 25 yrs of many one days
at a time sober incorporating a program
of recovery in all areas of my life continue
to be responsible for my own happiness,
healthy, honesty, peace and serenity.

You can too.

Dee74

My parents are still unconvinced I'm an alcoholic Bluedog.

That's fine they can believe what they like. I know the truth - and even they have to admit I've never been happier

D

zjw

I just assume let em think what they wanna think.

tho a few months into sobriety my wife suggested I go get a 6 pack fo my fav beer to celebrate said i'd been so good why now enjoy a 6 pack. I got this deer in the headlights look on my face like are you kidding me? i cant do that!! I explained to her why she didnt quite understand it. And the thing is there was a brief moment there where my AV was like woohooo wife said its ok to drink come on lets get DRUNK!!! ::facepalm::.

I think for me thats what I had to becareful of not to allow someone elses denial be my approval to drink. Oh your right i guess its not so bad maybe i'll have a drink ::facepalm::.

bluedog97

The hardest thing about recovery is you start to figure things out. I don't like what I'm finding out. Some of its about me, a lot about others. Things from my past mostly. But others are really getting to me.

I def think this is the "that doesn't happen in OUR family" denial. The fact is, it is. It feels personal. I'm taking it personally.

aasharon90

I think most of us in recovery wish our
families understood addiction the same
as we do. What I learned about those
that don't have addiction problems are
just affected by it, by those who are still
sick and those that are in recovery using
a program learned and taught to incorporate
in all areas of our life.

There are many programs available for
everyone associated with the addict, those
sick with addiction. I learned for myself
that I cant make any of my family members
enter those programs and sadly, there
becomes lack of communication and
understanding between each family
member.

For me, I continued on with my recovery
life taking care of me and yes, resentments
do crop up and if not address can and will
eat away at us in recovery and could be
one of those issues that drive us back into
our addiction. Keeping us sick in our own
addiction.

Letting them go, placing them into
the Hands of my HP - Higher Power,
has allowed me to remain sober and
live a healthier life with acceptance
and tolerance of others.

ALinNS

Honestly, I know what I know when it comes to this addiction and how it affects me, if someone else doesn't agree its in one ear and out the other, doesn't even register. My attitude at least in my case is they do not know me very well if they think alcohol isn't a problem. Now if you rewind the years to the mid 1990's, I loved those people because it enabled me to keep abusing booze, my body, career, family and friends.

least

Don't take it personally. That could be the start of a resentment. I don't give a crap what anyone else thinks. It's my life and my decision. What other people think doesn't bother me.

zjw

oh yeah absolutely!! I mean its a good thing to start to figure things out and all the sudden the wool is no longer covering your eyes. it can be scary tho sometimes people you trust where taking advantage of your prior intoxicated state and you had no idea.

But in the end its ultimately for the better just al ot of kinks to work out is all.

Berrybean

Same here re close friends and partner not thinking it was 'so much' of a problem. But then, that's why I liked to surround myself with heavy / problematic drinkers when I was still active. So that MY drinking wouldn't seem a problem. Suppose I can't have it all ways.

Now, I only discuss my drinking or sobriety with people who DO understand. AA and this place are great for that. It's a closed subject with others. Same as i wouldn't discuss a medical problem with them. It's none of their business.

JeffreyAK

I think it's pretty simple. To you, the word "alcoholic" means one thing, and to those who don't believe your self-identification, it means something else. It's a pretty loaded word, and to never-been-addicts it usually means a stereotypical bum living on the streets, maybe with overtones of hedonism and moral turpitude. I generally avoid the problem by not using loaded words or even going into any details with people who won't ever really understand anyways, which is most folks who have never been addicts.

LosingmyMisery

I can honestly say that I've never had that issue. I made it pretty obvious for others to see. As already said, don't worry about what others think. You know the truth and what is and what isn't causing problems in your life.

teatreeoil007

I have found that I have been holding in a lot of resentment....toward various people, including family. Those who have done things or do things that stir resentment in me may continue to be that way and may NEVER change. So, it's myself that is going to need to make changes in most every aspect of my life. I am the only one who can ensure that I change. Others can try to change me and sometimes the things they do can support me in making needed changes. But, it is ultimately me, myself, and *I* who has the most significant impact on CHANGE. Yeah, we wish that things were different and that so and so wouldn't get on our nerves so much, but I realize they may never change, so what can I do? At first, I thought my choice of options was fairly limited, but when looking at with a clear mind, it changes my perceptions and attitude and makes a difference in problem solving. I tend to believe that most all of us have a pretty good ability to problem solve while clean and sober. Either we are able to figure things out better for ourselves, or we are better at using healthy resources to help us figure things out....or both! Some people: I just can't be around them, Triggers..

bluedog97

Yea, I've got a lot of resentment. Most people are pretty receptive to the idea I have an alcohol problem. I know full well how much of a problem it is. I guess I have a hang up when someone questions it.

May I never forget what got me here. When you start to forget, you're in trouble.

teatreeoil007

Amen, bluedog...

Yeah, I know what you mean. It's like we don't NEED to have "the problem" rubbed in our faces. We know. Still- knowing you have a problem is one thing: getting over it is another thing; not easy and at times very difficult. Non-addicts and even other recovering addicts do not fully comprehend the extent of each individual's internal STRUGGLE(s). They do not fully understand the underlying issues...because the reality is: they are not 'YOU', no one knows you completely inside-out...we don't even fully know ourselves, so how could anyone else think they know us so well they seem to think they also know what's good for us. Grrrrr.

Sometimes I want to say, "Get*off*my*back!", but then, I'd be repeating myself to someone who doesn't listen very well.

It's trying, but I am discovering that learning to be more ASSERTIVE with my needs and regarding my limits is part of staying sober and being a happy/content sober; not just a dry drunk.

teatreeoil007

I won't say you need to cut that person out of your life; only you can decide what's best and what YOU can live with and still be healthy.

But, I think I know what you are describing here. Many people, tend to down-play the seriousness of matters and yes, perhaps it is a type of denial...perhaps they don't like to deal with unpleasantries that can occur in life...maybe THEY have been 'conditioned' to always focus on the positive but they carry it to the nth degree and are unable to see the reality of something that is indeed harmful to one's health and mental/emotional well-being.

Then again maybe they THINK they are telling what you want to hear (you don't have a problem, you're fine!)...and, like you say, maybe they are just subconsciously hoping you don't have a problem, because if YOU have the problem maybe they do too.... (then they would in turn need to look at their own self and honestly assess their OWN problem too).

My mom has often been one to down-play some problems and illnesses. It's classic co-dependent thinking.

bluedog97

Teatree, you really know your stuff. Here I was with this stirring around in my head thinking this was an uncommon problem. Man it helps to hear others experience this sort of thing.

I'm one of those that has gone through life never telling anyone my problems. Probably what led to drinking. At times I felt like a volcano waiting to erupt. My erratic behavior at times while drinking reflected that. I feel a sense of relief.

I guess we all know our own stories better than anyone else. Especially since I live alone. I guess we can get caught up thinking everyone else knows like we do and expect them to act accordingly. There are many who probably are saying " What took you so long?", while others had no idea. That being said, this family member was well aware of my drinking. Denial and minimizing runs strong in my family.


Thanks

teatreeoil007

Hah! Yeah, I'm wondering if the "volcanoes" who do erupt on a more frequent basis are better off...? I've been told that by some anyways...For myself, I've long tried to get it somewhere in-between. I don't relish the idea of spouting off all the time, but I don't like holding toxic emotions in too much because I have felt exactly what you describe: like a volcano that ready to erupt. It's like something is eating you up inside and it'll just continue to eat the insides out until it comes out in various unhealthy ways. Pent up frustration, anger, resentment: they will "choose" their own course of action if not consciously dealt with. It helps to be "heard" when you need to express those types of emotions.