Disorders in sobriety
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 8,614
This is destroying me.
I foolishly thought that getting sober was going to the 1st step to improvement. As usual, no reward for my efforts. none. Zero. Creativity's gone, hair puling disorder is back with a vengeance, tics are 20 times worse and my anxiety has skyrocketed to heights I never even knew possible.
Do the work, get zero in return. Story of my life.
I foolishly thought that getting sober was going to the 1st step to improvement. As usual, no reward for my efforts. none. Zero. Creativity's gone, hair puling disorder is back with a vengeance, tics are 20 times worse and my anxiety has skyrocketed to heights I never even knew possible.
Do the work, get zero in return. Story of my life.
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 397
Don't let this destroy you. I do know how it feels. Not because of hair pulling but other body image things that I have lived with my whole life.
I swear I developed my alcoholism as a direct result of these things. When you have to wear "beer goggles" just to be able to look at yourself in the mirror, well, that's tough. Sobriety is tough. It gives us more clarity, more anxiety at times. We are not seeing things through beer goggles anymore and it's hard to accept things as they truly are.
Stand tall Sleepie. We all have awesome qualities that are hard for ourselves to see, but others see in us. The people who love you don't care about bald spots. Would you, if your friend had them? If you feel unable to leave the house because of them, Scarves, wigs, and hats are beautiful. So is a shaved head. I have a friend who wears wigs all the time and loves them. She was in a bad accident and had brain surgery, but now that her hair has grown in, she still wears wigs because she likes to change her look a lot.
Hugs Sleepie. Hope you feel better!
I swear I developed my alcoholism as a direct result of these things. When you have to wear "beer goggles" just to be able to look at yourself in the mirror, well, that's tough. Sobriety is tough. It gives us more clarity, more anxiety at times. We are not seeing things through beer goggles anymore and it's hard to accept things as they truly are.
Stand tall Sleepie. We all have awesome qualities that are hard for ourselves to see, but others see in us. The people who love you don't care about bald spots. Would you, if your friend had them? If you feel unable to leave the house because of them, Scarves, wigs, and hats are beautiful. So is a shaved head. I have a friend who wears wigs all the time and loves them. She was in a bad accident and had brain surgery, but now that her hair has grown in, she still wears wigs because she likes to change her look a lot.
Hugs Sleepie. Hope you feel better!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 8,614
Ugh, I don't even feel human.
It's all about hiding things every single day and never just getting dressed and going "Oh that looks nice", and then going on to do my day.
Every day it's: "Ok, it might be hot out today as summer nears. Can't wear sleeveless since I have scars from cutting on my arms. Guess I'll just be uncomfortable and wear sleeves"
"Ok, I have veiny legs and have had them since I was only in my 20's... ok have to wear pants in hot weather and feel uncomfortable and look uncomfortable".
"Ok, so I have horrible myopia, better put my contacts in so nobody has to look at my embarrassingly thick glasses".
Ok so now that I am covered from head to toe, hot and uncomfortable, look terrible- time to see about those bald spots..."
Then:
"Yeah I think I'll just stay in today".
This has been my entire life. I am in my 40's now and have not felt or looked natural a day in my life. And in the summer everything is worse because everybody will wear their little dresses to their office job or sundress to go out in and I will be sweating and looking terrible and hating myself and generally wondering why life had to make me a mutant that is unfit for the world.
And I guarantee you someone will get on this thread like "Oh, I just love summer, it;s sundress time" or "I've been thin and beautiful my whole life and don't have any of those problems but I have these other problems and they are just as bad".
NO THEY ARE NOT.
It's all about hiding things every single day and never just getting dressed and going "Oh that looks nice", and then going on to do my day.
Every day it's: "Ok, it might be hot out today as summer nears. Can't wear sleeveless since I have scars from cutting on my arms. Guess I'll just be uncomfortable and wear sleeves"
"Ok, I have veiny legs and have had them since I was only in my 20's... ok have to wear pants in hot weather and feel uncomfortable and look uncomfortable".
"Ok, so I have horrible myopia, better put my contacts in so nobody has to look at my embarrassingly thick glasses".
Ok so now that I am covered from head to toe, hot and uncomfortable, look terrible- time to see about those bald spots..."
Then:
"Yeah I think I'll just stay in today".
This has been my entire life. I am in my 40's now and have not felt or looked natural a day in my life. And in the summer everything is worse because everybody will wear their little dresses to their office job or sundress to go out in and I will be sweating and looking terrible and hating myself and generally wondering why life had to make me a mutant that is unfit for the world.
And I guarantee you someone will get on this thread like "Oh, I just love summer, it;s sundress time" or "I've been thin and beautiful my whole life and don't have any of those problems but I have these other problems and they are just as bad".
NO THEY ARE NOT.
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 397
I hate summer too and am dreading it. I NEVER wear shorts. I hate my legs. They are veiny too, and disproportionately heavier than the rest of my body, no matter what I do for exercise, what I eat etc. I wear pants all summer long.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 8,614
Every year, torture. I have never felt flirty or pretty, wouldn't even care too, but would pretty much amputate a pinky if it meant I could be comfortable. On days I am extra brave I throw it all to the wind and wear a beater tee and capris.
I have the disproportionate thing too, aka pear but with broad shoulders from swimming competitively in my youth... which ironically kicked off my eating disorder which at the time I never knew was a thing- where you binge and then exercise a ton instead of purge. It's not as healthy as it sounds and the mental torture and body hate still applies. And I have man shoulders for life and large triceps from swimming which are often pointed out "Oh you've got some guns"... no guns are not feminine and also can people please just keep their damn mouths shut?
I have the disproportionate thing too, aka pear but with broad shoulders from swimming competitively in my youth... which ironically kicked off my eating disorder which at the time I never knew was a thing- where you binge and then exercise a ton instead of purge. It's not as healthy as it sounds and the mental torture and body hate still applies. And I have man shoulders for life and large triceps from swimming which are often pointed out "Oh you've got some guns"... no guns are not feminine and also can people please just keep their damn mouths shut?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 8,614
Probably doesn't help. All the other things have plagued me for a lifetime and are exacerbated with sobriety, I traded in alcoholism for mountains of anxiety, worsening trichotillomania and creative death.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,381
I'm sorry you feel that way. It looked to me like things were pretty good until a few weeks ago - I'm still hopeful things will improve again for you..
You may feel too anxious for this I guess but I was thinking - what about getting involved in a community art project? Might help get your creative juices flowing?
D
You may feel too anxious for this I guess but I was thinking - what about getting involved in a community art project? Might help get your creative juices flowing?
D
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 8,614
No. I don't do group things and especially with glaring bald patches on my head- not about to go out in public much less mingle with strangers.
I haven't felt well or done well yet since I quit everything. I took a huge nosedive and everything is just getting worse and worse.
I haven't felt well or done well yet since I quit everything. I took a huge nosedive and everything is just getting worse and worse.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: middle of nowhere
Posts: 2,849
Sleepie... I wish I lived closer to you hun. We'd go out and be fake brave against the world together and go Mario Bros on anyone who looks at us the wrong way.
You could come stay at my farm with me and the little one and have a getaway and be close to nature and quiet...
I really hope you find a way to be comfortable in your own skin.
I'd trade my outward appearance for some peace of mind and contentment any day. I find my inside package to be extremely yucky at best.
I wish you would love you the way we all do.
You could come stay at my farm with me and the little one and have a getaway and be close to nature and quiet...
I really hope you find a way to be comfortable in your own skin. I'd trade my outward appearance for some peace of mind and contentment any day. I find my inside package to be extremely yucky at best.
I wish you would love you the way we all do.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2016
Location: Ellicott City, MD
Posts: 72
I had this when I was younger. My parents would find huge clumps of hair everywhere because I knew it was wrong and I hit it. It was definitely an anxiety thing for me--I was a very anxious child.
I guess I outgrew it but I was a huge face-picker when I was high on cocaine. No lie-my entire t-zone on my face was one big scab. And infections too. Nothing would stop me. I was homeless so I was filthy dirty and would pick my face with my dirty fingers. It was so bad. Getting sober helped me with that.
I still love to pick pimples though. It's like an uncontrollable obsession. I really have to control myself. I guess I should have gone to school to be a dermatologist.
You are not alone. Sending hugs and prayers to you that your pain eases. Keep fighting<3
I guess I outgrew it but I was a huge face-picker when I was high on cocaine. No lie-my entire t-zone on my face was one big scab. And infections too. Nothing would stop me. I was homeless so I was filthy dirty and would pick my face with my dirty fingers. It was so bad. Getting sober helped me with that.
I still love to pick pimples though. It's like an uncontrollable obsession. I really have to control myself. I guess I should have gone to school to be a dermatologist.
You are not alone. Sending hugs and prayers to you that your pain eases. Keep fighting<3
Member
Join Date: Apr 2016
Location: Ellicott City, MD
Posts: 72
I'm so sorry you are feeling like this everyday. I wish I could do something right now to change the way you feel and to help you.
Can you think of an activity you do or time when you feel the opposite of this--when you feel like you don't have a care in the world and you don't think so much about your faults? Is this something that make you feel comfortable with you something you could immerse yourself in? Have you ever tried journaling to pinpoint when you are less hard on yourself? God all these suggestions I'm making sound so juvenile but I'm just trying to throw stuff out there. I'm sure you have tried all this.
Keep fighting<3
Can you think of an activity you do or time when you feel the opposite of this--when you feel like you don't have a care in the world and you don't think so much about your faults? Is this something that make you feel comfortable with you something you could immerse yourself in? Have you ever tried journaling to pinpoint when you are less hard on yourself? God all these suggestions I'm making sound so juvenile but I'm just trying to throw stuff out there. I'm sure you have tried all this.
Keep fighting<3
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