wesley26

Good morning, I am a recovering addict, addictions including Cocaine, Weed, Gambling and Alcohol. I recently posted on the success stories forum after feeling super about reaching just over a year addiction free:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-wesley26.html

However today I feel hopeless and scared, angry and paranoid. Anxious and alone. I relapsed 3 days after posting my Success Story and feel like a complete failure.

I was feeling great last week, I was still working on my recovery to a degree. However come Friday, it was a friends birthday (30th), one of my old friends who I had seen on and off for my whole time in recovery with no relapses occurring. I relapsed massively, although I believe I didn't have any drugs (coke or weed) I drank to oblivion, I have complete black out of the evening and woke early Saturday morning on the floor in my parents porch (I live with my 8 month pregnant girlfriend), I wondered what the **** had happened, my dad then came through and explained my girlfriend had phoned him at 2am Saturday morning saying I had not come home and that when she rang my I was telling her to **** off and that I wasn't coming home, I didn't need her..... My dad then came and picked me up along with my 19 year old brother, what ensued this I feel terrible about, I had to be physically pinned to the ground at my girlfriends house by my dad and brother and taken away by them as my girlfriend didn't feel safe. She has never seen me like this and I feel awful.

Suicide is on my mind, although they're not strong urges (think I just feel like I deserve to be dead for who I am) I cannot bear to think of what I am... That addiction will always exert it's power on me. It'll get me when I'm not looking and I will destroy everything. I have been forgiven by my family and expecting girlfriend, they really do mean the world to me, however I am struggling to shake these feelings of aloneness, and shame most of all. I know I have to move past this and make a plan to not let this happen again, to adjust my recovery to avoid the triggers. However I cannot forgive myself right now, I am so scared that that person still resides in me. I am now on my new 3rd day of sobriety.............

Jsober

You can do this. You had time before and you come up with a better plan this time. There is no sense in beating yourself up. Just learn from what happened and start fresh.

Dee74

Hi wesley - if you're feeling low there are crisis numbers you can call, or you can go to your local ER.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ease-read.html

The important thing tho is to be reassured - there is life after a relapse

We can come back and re-commit ourselves to recovery, just as we did before.

if counselling worked before it's probably a good place to start. If you want another approach, or a supplementary backup, there are meeting based recovery groups like AA SMART or life ring all over the world...and there's always SR of course.

You've made it to day 3 and that's a great start. I hope you'll soon be reassured just who the real you is - he's the guy with the year sober time

D

Hawkeye13

You've had a year--you can do it--just use this as a springboard
to not ever drinking again.

Get some more therapy, and tighten up you plan.
You will be successful if that is your focus.

wesley26

Thank you for your kind words, it has helped just sharing how I feel with people. I feel somewhat less alone, and thank you for your replies, they give me strength.

One of the feelings I have is that I am an absolute failure. I have feelings of paranoia, having a memory loss is causing me to get anxious I attacked someone, killed someone, complete irrational thoughts that make me confused. I feel like i'm suspecting every bad thing i'd hate to do. Does or did anyone else have this paranoia after drinking, as far as I can remember I had it everytime I drank before my year off.....

I suppose I hate myself when drunk , so what better reason to stop! I will be adding to my recover plan this afternoon and realise a big trigger has to be association with old friends from this addiction scene so to speak. Something I didn't take seriously the first time around!

Hope2014

You had a year- that is proof that you can do this. We all make mistakes. Pick yourself up and keep moving forward. Stay close by here for support and be grateful your family is willing to forgive. You can do this!

FBL

Towards the end of my drinking career, my paranoia was through the roof! I imagined all kinds of weird things. All of those thoughts were tied into my drinking. After awhile sober, my paranoia, anxiety and all of that mental garbage stopped for good. I imagine it would all come back with a vengeance if I started drinking again and I know I couldn't handle it, so I don't even entertain the thought of picking up again.

wildchild69

Don't continue to beat yourself up...it's not helping anything. I'm hidden away in my room right now, got work covered, trying to not hate myself for my binge this past weekend. I yelled at my mom, acted like an irrational maniac sending hate texts to my ex....calling dispatch giving anonymous tips....I am praying to God they could hear how drunk I was. Just being a hateful, irrational and out of control person.....but that's not me....that's what alcohol does to me and fortunately we can choose to not let it!
So please start forgiving yourself....we all deserve another chance. Especially when we're deciding to change our lives!

wesley26

Thanks Guys, had had got it into my head and was convinced I had seen my father in law and attacked him, it didn't help when I saw him the day after and all he said was, I need to speak with you in private this week', I was convinced my thoughts we're real, actually creating memories about what I had done. I was convinced I'd attacked him...just spoke to him though and it was about a property offer he had. Nothing to do with when I was black out drunk, I didn't even see him. That's how mad it is for me, making stuff up I did in my head, bad things too. It's almost intolerable... Won't give into the urges to drink again. I DON'T NEED THAT ****....

wesley26

Wildchild, that's pretty much how my weekend went, only I think my horribleness was mainly not wanting the binge to end and being evil to those that cared and we're trying to save me. All sorts of irrational assumptions are coming to mind it's crazy... Even though I was with friends (loosely used) all evening and know I didn't do anything terrible until my family picked me up, I am still getting paranoid! Terrible times but trying to forgive myself is what I need to do and so do you. Realise both of us have too that the common denominator is drink. How it's legal I will never know. However we have a choice and for today mine is not to drink. Taking this day at a time again. Must be strong!

wildchild69

Not to deny responsibility for my actions, but it's helpful in forgiving myself if I remember that it was the alcohol..... my mistake was drinking it and letting it control me. Alcohol changes who you are, that's just a fact.

Gottalife

"At certain times the alcoholic has no effective mental defence against the first drink. Neither he nor any human power can provide such a defence. It mus come from a power greater than himself" or words to that effect are found in the Big Book of AA. They were true for me, though the best I managed was a few months, and more usually, a few hours.

Where were all the sane thoughts that would stop you drinking. Obviously they didn't come to mind. Same for me. We have similar experience with lack of defence, and I'm here to say there is a solution. And it's probably available in your neighbourhood.

All the best

Dee74

so whats the plan from here Wesley?

D

OfEpiphany

Hey man, it's no big deal. A little drunk drama is nothing. In a week your bad feelings and shame will be a thing of the past. You were 1 year sober, most people can't get 30 says sober. A 3 day relapse is nothing. Just hop back on the sober train, and be relieved that you never have to feel like this again, by simply not drinking.

And trust me, at this point, your body and mind are more accustomed to being sober, than being drunk. So being sober from here on out should be a very easy thing for you.

Dee74

you still out there Wesley?

D

Hawkeye13

Hey Wesley;
Update us how you are please--posting here really helps

thomas11

Hey Wesley, hope you check in today. I like to break things down to its simplest form. In your case, it sounds like alcohol has created a complex maze of fears and such. Therefore, the answer is to forget about drinking again. ever. Its done, you know how to stay sober, so you can do it.

pushingupdazys

Hi Wesley, you are lucky to have loving, forgiving family and girlfriend. If they can forgive you than you must forgive yourself. My younger brother had a problem with substance abuse and for a long time I allowed him to make my life miserable. It took me a long time to realize that I couldn't be his safety net anymore and had to finally tell him that he was on his own. He straightened himself out and thanked me later for the tough love which by the way nearly killed me. He told me that he knew what he needed to stay away from but only when faced with losing his family did he do it for himself. Don't be the man you know everyone wants you to be, be the man you want to be for yourself and your loved ones and don't ever give up. Good luck and God bless and by the way, talking to God helped me out a lot. Just saying.

ecdudeit

Hi John,

All I can share is my experience. I went to AA, got a sponsor, balked on all the steps,[like it says on p58 lol and ended up going to an average of 10 meetings a week for the first 5yrs. Boy did i learn alot of stuff.

if i take "A" drink it sets in motion a craving for the 2nd drink stronger than my will to resist. It's called the phenomenon of craving, a hallmark symptom of alcoholism

Cherrybreeze

I do agree with you here. The influence of alcohol essentially caused the actions that followed, as you were no longer in control of your faculties. The mistake, slip, whatever was in allowing yourself to partake. And we do all have moments of weakness.

I know for folks in recovery, the more sober time you put in, it makes the hell that drinking...seem less real, maybe? So, use this as a reminder. You were hit in the face with what happens when you play the tape to the end. Look at it as something to build back off of, and to strengthen your resolve. "If you don't forget your last drunk, you haven't had it yet." I read that here (sorry, I don't know who to credit, though). Remember this weekend, and make it the last one.

One foot in front of the other, always. If the suicidal thoughts continue or strengthen, or if you start making plans, call someone, go to the ER, anything. Passing ideation and active planning are not the same thing, for sure, but the line between them can become blurry quickly. Write those thoughts down, and see if/how they change. Ask someone (family, girlfriend) to reach out to you frequently and regularly right now. And come here. Your progress wasn't erased by making a mistake.