Near catastrophic relapse
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2016
Location: Auckland
Posts: 4
Near catastrophic relapse
Hello all,
I have from about 28 to now, 33yo, had alcohol acting as a destructive force in my life. It has been on and off (last year 6 months sober, this year, a few relapses ) I moved away from my partner and our young child after a major relapse last year to where my family live, and returned late last year after a period of sobriety to prove I was able to be a good father and partner.
Well, I have gone and destroyed that situation and my relapse is the most shameful and disgusting thing I've ever done- this is even hard to share with strangers....I drank an amount of vodka that caused me to pass out whilst my 2 year old was in my care. And he jumped over the barrier we set up on the porch and he walked out to the road. A neighbor grabbed him and took him in and obviously found me passed out.
My poor partner was called at her enjoyable staff dinner and I woke up at 12am in an empty house with no clue of what had transpired. This is horrendous obviously. The surrounding neighbour's are all aware of this event. So this is the hell I'm living right now. And I'm not suggesting for a second I'm the real victim of course. My beautiful wee man who I adore could have been killed because I decided to drink vodka on a Sunday. My family think I'm going okay with my sobriety so telling them my now ex-partner is leaving town with our child (to her home town with a good deal of support) is going to be one hell of a painful phone call.
What a truly horrible , insane decision I made this last Sunday.
Please let this be the last dose of insanity.
I had to get this out to someone, no matter the anonymity.
Thanks all
I have from about 28 to now, 33yo, had alcohol acting as a destructive force in my life. It has been on and off (last year 6 months sober, this year, a few relapses ) I moved away from my partner and our young child after a major relapse last year to where my family live, and returned late last year after a period of sobriety to prove I was able to be a good father and partner.
Well, I have gone and destroyed that situation and my relapse is the most shameful and disgusting thing I've ever done- this is even hard to share with strangers....I drank an amount of vodka that caused me to pass out whilst my 2 year old was in my care. And he jumped over the barrier we set up on the porch and he walked out to the road. A neighbor grabbed him and took him in and obviously found me passed out.
My poor partner was called at her enjoyable staff dinner and I woke up at 12am in an empty house with no clue of what had transpired. This is horrendous obviously. The surrounding neighbour's are all aware of this event. So this is the hell I'm living right now. And I'm not suggesting for a second I'm the real victim of course. My beautiful wee man who I adore could have been killed because I decided to drink vodka on a Sunday. My family think I'm going okay with my sobriety so telling them my now ex-partner is leaving town with our child (to her home town with a good deal of support) is going to be one hell of a painful phone call.
What a truly horrible , insane decision I made this last Sunday.
Please let this be the last dose of insanity.
I had to get this out to someone, no matter the anonymity.
Thanks all
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,372
Hi Patrick and welcome
I'm really glad the little guy is safe and well. That's something to be thankful for.
As awful as this must be, it can be your turning point - if you want it to be. Many of us have started our recovery journeys at similar points or worse...
you really need never feel this way again
D
I'm really glad the little guy is safe and well. That's something to be thankful for.
As awful as this must be, it can be your turning point - if you want it to be. Many of us have started our recovery journeys at similar points or worse...
you really need never feel this way again
D
Member
Join Date: Apr 2016
Location: Island of the Misfit Toys
Posts: 22
I'm so glad it wasn't a worse tragedy for you and your boy is ok.
I to am going through a similar situation where I'm about to lose it all because of alcohol abuse.
Our only salvation today is not drink. Today is all we have at the moment. Try not despair. I know easier said than done, but belive me,there is a path out of this mess.
Hang out here. Get to an AA meeting if avalible to you.
SD
I to am going through a similar situation where I'm about to lose it all because of alcohol abuse.
Our only salvation today is not drink. Today is all we have at the moment. Try not despair. I know easier said than done, but belive me,there is a path out of this mess.
Hang out here. Get to an AA meeting if avalible to you.
SD
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Boston, MA
Posts: 1,601
I was with a newcomer yesterday and I told her "You can drink...but you have to be ok with the consequences. You have to be ok with sleeping in the Burger King bathroom, you have to be okay with not having your medications because you left them at WalMart in a blackout and now insurance won't fill them for a month, you have to be okay with not being allowed to see your kids." The problem for most of us is that INSANE thinking that this time, things will be different. This time I will just get a buzz and then I will stop. Nope. Doesn't work that way. Sometimes we need life to be SO NOT OKAY for us to say I just cannot, ever drink again. EVER. I hope you have come to that realization.
I am sorry you are going through all of this and I am glad your baby is safe. Keep coming on these boards and take it one day at a time. And when your AV tells you "Just one" remember exactly what happens when you drink. It just isn't worth it.
I am sorry you are going through all of this and I am glad your baby is safe. Keep coming on these boards and take it one day at a time. And when your AV tells you "Just one" remember exactly what happens when you drink. It just isn't worth it.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,414
I agree with all said above.
You can turn this around if you are truly willing to go all in for sobriety.
Also, be sure to respect your partner's wishes about contact at the moment.
Often in early recovery we get "pushy" trying to get them to understand we've changed.
Actions over time are the only real measure they should, and ultimately will, trust.
I'm glad your son is safe and that you have a chance to make life changes.
You won't regret being sober one minute.
You can turn this around if you are truly willing to go all in for sobriety.
Also, be sure to respect your partner's wishes about contact at the moment.
Often in early recovery we get "pushy" trying to get them to understand we've changed.
Actions over time are the only real measure they should, and ultimately will, trust.
I'm glad your son is safe and that you have a chance to make life changes.
You won't regret being sober one minute.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: Somewhere in California
Posts: 1,136
This hits close to home since I'm a father of two little ones myself. Reading this post, I can feel some of the anguish that you are feeling.
Resolve to put drinking behind you. Let this be the event that's the turning point- the "bottom." I quit drinking the week my son was born. I keep thinking "I could never do this if I was drinking like I used to." Parenting is hard enough sober.
But I'm a better parent for having quit. I hope things can resolve and you can reunite with your family after committing to sobriety.
Resolve to put drinking behind you. Let this be the event that's the turning point- the "bottom." I quit drinking the week my son was born. I keep thinking "I could never do this if I was drinking like I used to." Parenting is hard enough sober.
But I'm a better parent for having quit. I hope things can resolve and you can reunite with your family after committing to sobriety.
totfit
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Ft Collins, CO
Posts: 1,273
You made the choice to drink, thinking that it would not get away from you. You could not imagine what would transpire. This is the crux of our thinking and where it can lead us, if it leads us to taking a first drink. The fact is for me, I just really can't predict what will happen.
I have not done the exact same thing, but I have done similar unimaginable things after taking a drink. "Intent" is meaningless if I drink. That being said, even with all the "awful" things that have happened, "awfulizing" has never been a tool that has kept me sober. I stay sober now not because I might and probably would do awful things or wind up in awful circumstances, but because it prevents me from doing the good things I have brought into my life and the healthy activities that I like to do.
It takes time to move past some of the wreckage, but building a step at a time in a somewhat positive direction you will put this in the past. We can't delete the past and nothing we do changes it, but one day you may find that you would not change any event, because it brought you to the good place you are and never imagined being. I just move forward one step at a time. I don't obsess on drinking or not drinking (an obsession on not drinking is just as much an obsession to drink), but instead just look at the wide world that we have full of opportunities and try and imperfectly do the next right thing. You might try that.
I have not done the exact same thing, but I have done similar unimaginable things after taking a drink. "Intent" is meaningless if I drink. That being said, even with all the "awful" things that have happened, "awfulizing" has never been a tool that has kept me sober. I stay sober now not because I might and probably would do awful things or wind up in awful circumstances, but because it prevents me from doing the good things I have brought into my life and the healthy activities that I like to do.
It takes time to move past some of the wreckage, but building a step at a time in a somewhat positive direction you will put this in the past. We can't delete the past and nothing we do changes it, but one day you may find that you would not change any event, because it brought you to the good place you are and never imagined being. I just move forward one step at a time. I don't obsess on drinking or not drinking (an obsession on not drinking is just as much an obsession to drink), but instead just look at the wide world that we have full of opportunities and try and imperfectly do the next right thing. You might try that.
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Thanks for sharing Patrick. What are you willing to do to stay sober moving forward? I think being honest with your family is a positive step. Honesty is the cornerstone of sobriety, not only with others but especially with ourselves.
What was it you were doing during your last sober stretch - meetings, counseling, rehab?
What was it you were doing during your last sober stretch - meetings, counseling, rehab?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 5,229
I feel ya. i used to be watching my kids totally bombed and i'd occaisionaly think what if one of them gets hurt how will i get them to the hospital or what iwll the paramedics thing when they show up and i'm **** drunk and the only adult watching these kids? The insanity of it! and yeah i'd just continue on drinking ::facepalm::
Good thing he's safe. I'll tell you tho the secret 1 day at a time dont drink and you dont have these kinds of worries anymore its very ncie too nice peace of mind. The rest of your situation will work out as it may but you have to stay sober 1 day at a time to see this thru.
Good thing he's safe. I'll tell you tho the secret 1 day at a time dont drink and you dont have these kinds of worries anymore its very ncie too nice peace of mind. The rest of your situation will work out as it may but you have to stay sober 1 day at a time to see this thru.
12 Step Recovered Alcoholic
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 6,613
Originally Posted by Patrickbing 
Please let this be the last dose of insanity.
It always gets worse. I know a recovered alcoholic who drove over and killed his two year old son. How bad does it have to get?
It can be the last dose of insanity, but only if you take action. Just passively wishing the problem will go away doesn't seem to be very effective in my experience.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2016
Location: Auckland
Posts: 4
Hi everybody,
Thank you all for the kind and wise words. I read every reply and took something from each one. A week on from this event is not long but I am slowly starting to fight the horrible thoughts about the potential outcome of Sunday. As some of you said, i have to commit to this being the absolute rock bottom.
I mean, I am a guy who has had a ridiculous amount of "luck" whilst blacking out. I have never been seriously hurt or hurt anyone else (physically)...that I know of. (Gallows humour, ha). I am focusing on the fact I have a beautiful wee man smiling at me during the day. The mother of my child knows I am a sick person and does not hate me and we are amicably talking. She knows I know the relationship break down and move is the right decision. I am not fighting this outcome that is for sure!
My child needs to be safe and I will accept any move to assure that. Like you said Gottalife, passively wishing does nothing. I have booked a doctors appointment to deal with depression which I feel is a factor. I have good counselling services in my area which I will continue. I believe I am a person who has created a mind that has normalised a strong depressive state as I am so used to it, that I have convinced myself that most people feel how I feel.
I don't know if that makes sense and if anyone has had a similar feeling let me know.
Also, I am stubborn and stuck in a kind of 'screw pharmaceuticals' anti authority mentality- -Which is ironic because I just turn to that lovely,helpful medical service, the alcohol industry. Ha.
One more thing (sorry) - It confirms to me how disturbingly aggressive alcoholism is in the fact that against my will, I have little alcohol fantasies popping up. Even after this horrible event in my life. Terrifying, but saying I'm determined sounds too weak to how I really feel.
I really appreciate all your words, I shared them with my partner as we talked this week.(another aspect to be grateful of) So glad I registered. It actually makes me feel less alone and is another tool at my fingertips-
Thank you again xo
Thank you all for the kind and wise words. I read every reply and took something from each one. A week on from this event is not long but I am slowly starting to fight the horrible thoughts about the potential outcome of Sunday. As some of you said, i have to commit to this being the absolute rock bottom.
I mean, I am a guy who has had a ridiculous amount of "luck" whilst blacking out. I have never been seriously hurt or hurt anyone else (physically)...that I know of. (Gallows humour, ha). I am focusing on the fact I have a beautiful wee man smiling at me during the day. The mother of my child knows I am a sick person and does not hate me and we are amicably talking. She knows I know the relationship break down and move is the right decision. I am not fighting this outcome that is for sure!
My child needs to be safe and I will accept any move to assure that. Like you said Gottalife, passively wishing does nothing. I have booked a doctors appointment to deal with depression which I feel is a factor. I have good counselling services in my area which I will continue. I believe I am a person who has created a mind that has normalised a strong depressive state as I am so used to it, that I have convinced myself that most people feel how I feel.
I don't know if that makes sense and if anyone has had a similar feeling let me know.
Also, I am stubborn and stuck in a kind of 'screw pharmaceuticals' anti authority mentality- -Which is ironic because I just turn to that lovely,helpful medical service, the alcohol industry. Ha.
One more thing (sorry) - It confirms to me how disturbingly aggressive alcoholism is in the fact that against my will, I have little alcohol fantasies popping up. Even after this horrible event in my life. Terrifying, but saying I'm determined sounds too weak to how I really feel.
I really appreciate all your words, I shared them with my partner as we talked this week.(another aspect to be grateful of) So glad I registered. It actually makes me feel less alone and is another tool at my fingertips-
Thank you again xo
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,469
Hi Patrick, I'm glad you shared your story, though it's so very scary. Please use this as an opportunity to turn your life around. You owe it to yourself and to your child to put every effort into sobriety and to being the best person you can be. You are definitely not alone, and I hope you know that we understand how difficult this is.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Lakeside, Ca
Posts: 10,208
Originally Posted by Patrickbing
The surrounding neighbour's are all aware of this event. So this is the hell I'm living right now.
I share often in AA meetings that
I'm a dangerous drunk when drinking.
I don't set out to do bad things but, bad things do happen.
I ran a muck up here on the mountain on this old dirt road.
After sobering up I drove down the road
hanging my head very low -- very low.
Things got better with some time sober.
I (we) should never wish to go back to that place.
Good luck to you, (even though I do not believe in luck)
Bob
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2016
Location: Auckland
Posts: 4
Hi Anna,
Yes, as bad as it can get without a tragic outcome. I physically shudder each time I think about it. So glad to be here talking about it. Focusing my thoughts on all the things I still have and not on what could have been.
It has to get better from here. I have no choice after this.
Thanks Anna
Yes, as bad as it can get without a tragic outcome. I physically shudder each time I think about it. So glad to be here talking about it. Focusing my thoughts on all the things I still have and not on what could have been.
It has to get better from here. I have no choice after this.
Thanks Anna
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2016
Location: Auckland
Posts: 4
Thanks Bob,
I am the same as you were- no bad intentions but the brain goes on holiday a few drinks in. I am a reasonably quiet, reserved person sober- that contrast of personality and drunk behaviour makes it all the more betraying to myself in a wierd way. I act bizarrely and mysteriously when I get lit. I've had people mention that it doesn't even seem like alcohol, rather a narcotic or something.
Good on you and stay strong mate.
Patrick
I am the same as you were- no bad intentions but the brain goes on holiday a few drinks in. I am a reasonably quiet, reserved person sober- that contrast of personality and drunk behaviour makes it all the more betraying to myself in a wierd way. I act bizarrely and mysteriously when I get lit. I've had people mention that it doesn't even seem like alcohol, rather a narcotic or something.
Good on you and stay strong mate.
Patrick
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