Feel like I'm grieving

Old 04-13-2016, 08:18 AM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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is that what you did, noneever? you had a beer, or a cocktail, or a glass of champagne?

the truth of what you can or cannot do is in your own experience.

my own was that that sounded enticing, doable, seductive, normal, wonderful and oh-so-nice and perfect, but reality was nothing like that.
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Old 04-13-2016, 08:27 AM
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When I was a kid I read a book called The Angry Mountain by Hammond Innes. There's a character there who was in a plane crash in a war and his foot was injured. He was captured by the enemy & they let the foot get infected with gangrene, then amputated it without anethestic. Then they let the stump get infected, and amputated again. He never forgets the torture, but he's a hero.

I grieved intensely when I quit. But I thought of it like a gangrenous limb -- drinking, you're carrying around an infection that will eventually kill all of you. Sober, you cut it off. You miss and feel the absence of the "phantom" limb. But you can live.
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Old 04-13-2016, 10:03 AM
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There's not much to miss...

I drank last night. I woke up this morning with no recollection of how I got home. I had vomited on the floor and woke up semi dressed, lying on the carpet. The car was parked at an angle and I have no memory of driving home.

I could have killed or injured someone. I could have killed or injured myself. I could have ended up in jail and lost my licence. I could have choked to death on my vomit.
Noneever, you never have to do this again. I am sorry to throw your words back at you, but this could be a crucial juncture for you and I don't want you to miss it's importance.

It may sound alarmist, the way I've posed it here. But to lose things you can never get back, like your life, health or your freedom- is an alarming thought. Drinking can most certainly lead one there.

Stay the course and find freedom in sobriety. I am convinced you can do this because you reach out here. You can do it noneever.
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Old 04-13-2016, 10:35 AM
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I totally identify with the grief, and with the fear that I couldn't do life without alcohol. I was so afraid, and didn't want to lose the thing I *thought* was helping me.

Now that I'm sober, I can see it's about choosing something healthier and more positive -- it's so great that I had this choice available to me.

I think it took a little leap of faith for me ... not talking about religion here, just a leap of faith to listen to the experiences of others. To hear that others were facing the same choice, made the choice to stop, and found out it was one of the best choices they ever made.
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Old 04-13-2016, 11:40 AM
  # 25 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by noneever View Post
So I can never again have a beer on a sunny day, a cocktail while on holiday or a glass of champagne to celebrate someone's success? Ever?

I feel like crying. Is my brain really so affected that I can never enjoy alcohol in moderation again? Can't the damage be undone somehow?

Why am I grieving for something which causes me pain? Why am I thinking of the times it was fun, even if that was only as recent as a couple of years ago.
I can completely relate to this!
I feel so angry that I can't be like everyone else and have a couple of glasses of wine , beer or whatever and enjoy the small buzz rather than having to drink the whole bottle(s)
But then I'm the same with a packet of biscuits - I can't be like other people and just have one or two - I have to have the whole packet!
I can't seem to moderate anything.
And now I have hit the bottom I feel like you - I feel grief for the thing that was causing me so much pain!
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Old 04-13-2016, 02:12 PM
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Originally Posted by noneever View Post
I'm ashamed that I wasted today by drinking. I just don't know who I am anymore or why I'm doing this. Even as I drink there's a voice inside me asking 'why?'
Has drinking today been a celebration? Something joyous? A Holiday?

Somehow I don't think so. Pour it out and start over. Start fearing your addiction more than you fear sobriety.
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Old 04-13-2016, 03:15 PM
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Something that helped me considerably in early recovery was to look at this journey not as one of deprivation but one as freedom from a substance that I didn't want to control my life any longer.

I recommend to anyone to join their monthly class here on SR; they are a source of great support and accountability.
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Old 04-13-2016, 04:55 PM
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Noneever, we have a disease that trys to tell us we are not sick, what we have been experiencing is not that bad. That alcoholic voice is relentless for me when I am not treating my alcoholism. All I can suggest is to develop a plan for your treatment. That is different for everyone but one thing that seems like is necessary is the support from others. We are here for you.
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Old 04-13-2016, 07:04 PM
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noneever, stay close to SR, don't stop posting. You've got a whole team of "professionals" here to help you.
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Old 04-13-2016, 08:39 PM
  # 30 (permalink)  
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It's occurs to me that the 5 stages of grief are appropriate for our sense of loss after realizing it's time to quit.
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Old 04-13-2016, 09:29 PM
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Think of the insanity of the notion that if you keep doing something you will end up in jail or dead, and all you have to do to avoid that outcome is not swallow the stuff.
Then it seems like a punishment instead of a reward and an easy fix for certain death.

This is the insanity of alcoholism. It was one of the the things that convinced me beyond a shadow of a doubt that I was, in fact, a real alcoholic. Normal people don't think this way.

And the truth is, you will mourn alcohol, because it was your best friend, your ally, your confidant, it was there in good times and bad, making you feel better, purging anxiety, celebrating, numbing pain.

But it turned on me like a rabid dog, and tried to kill me. I didn't want to believe it, but alcohol, my best friend, wanted me dead.
And that's when it becomes self preservation.

Eventually, I don't miss it, nor care, and the idea of missing ingesting poison seems like what it is. The thoughts of a crazy person.
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Old 04-14-2016, 04:46 AM
  # 32 (permalink)  
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I used to feel like that my first few times trying to quit. Then, as I kept drinking, the bad kept piling up. Got arrested for the 2nd time, and continued to drink after that.

Woke up one morning feeling like death from drinking all night, and finally realized I didn't want to do this anymore. What am I missing? Blacked out memories, getting arrested, treating people like ****, apologizing in the morning.

I'm only 3 weeks sober, but I don't miss alcohol or the way it made me become.
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Old 04-14-2016, 05:53 AM
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Agree with the last two posts. I don't miss it because the bad outweighed the good by far in the end, and I know that ratio will only get worse and worse if I keep drinking.
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Old 04-14-2016, 12:29 PM
  # 34 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by noneever View Post
So I can never again have a beer on a sunny day, a cocktail while on holiday or a glass of champagne to celebrate someone's success? Ever?

I feel like crying. Is my brain really so affected that I can never enjoy alcohol in moderation again? Can't the damage be undone somehow?

Why am I grieving for something which causes me pain? Why am I thinking of the times it was fun, even if that was only as recent as a couple of years ago.
Sorry I skipped straight to the end to post but I wanted to capture the first thing that popped into my head when reading that first paragraph. I thought that way the first time I quit back in 1990 at age unfair that I can't enjoy those times. But it also means I can't drink that last beer that puts me into a blackout, that last cocktail that causes me to wake up too hungover for work, or that 3rd bottle of champagne that makes me puke my guts out at the party.

If I could only drink ONE beer on a sunny day, ONE cocktail on holiday, or ONE glass of champagne at a celebration I wouldn't be here. I think it's fairly normal (it was for me) to romanticize those "special" times to have a drink while our built in forgetter conveniently leaves out all of the drinks that led to misery. When I got sober this time in 2013 one problem I didn't have was romanticizing alcohol anymore, because I no longer drank for fun and got carried away. By the end I was just a slave to alcohol...drinking because I had to, not because I wanted to.
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Old 04-14-2016, 02:19 PM
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7+ months here. Sometimes it hits me, a nice sunny day, or something else, and I think how I'd like to have a drink with it.

But now, that feeling lasts about 10 seconds, and I think "that's just your AV, take a deep breath and this feeling will be gone in a minute". And it goes.
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Old 04-15-2016, 01:51 PM
  # 36 (permalink)  
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4.5 months here. Pretty much thought the exact same thing from time to time. Basically I don't find it lasts long though and goes away quickly as I think about the prospect of starting over again to be horrifying. The last 16 weeks have been a nightmare of anxiety and pain and foggy brain the thought of even a sip of alcohol now scares me more than entices me. I just hope and hope that I can get through this and that none of my symptoms are a sign of something worse and if I can just through this and be healthy I will never ever drink again.
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Old 04-17-2016, 03:46 PM
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Noneever for me and I think for most of us, the drinking became so excessive that I would black out and not even remember the first couple of drinks to begin with. The joyous occasions you mentioned became disasters because I could not stop drinking after the first one. Alcoholism is progressive. Eventually there is absolutely no pleasure in it at all. For me, that's when I knew I had to quit, or continue and die.
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