Mudruck

Reached the fantasies of drinking again stage of relapsing. I have a hard time sharing my thoughts and feelings. Wife knows something is wrong, sponsor knows too. I just can't seem to take the steps back down the ladder. ( learned about the ladder on this site. Thanks)
Going to meeting and leaving frustrated and angry. I have no friends and have never really had any. Not that I don't want any just don't seem capable or available to be one. Not sure what I expected sobriety to be like but so far I seem to be miserable and depressed most of the time.
I am in AA have sponsor and stalled out on step 4.
I am rambling.

SolidKarma

Keep rambling friend, just expressing yourself can be therapeutic. I'm very sorry I hear about your friend situation. Loneliness is no fun, and I feel for you. Since I've been attending meetings regularly, I found that certain meetings or more friendly than others. I've seen some people at meetings who have very strong friendships with other members. I would continue searching out meetings where you can find people to socialize with.

ScottFromWI

Welcome to SR mudruck. Early sobriety can be a challenging time for sure. Most of us used alcohol to try and escape from or forget about some other issues in our lives, and of course when you quit drinking those issues don't go away. Talking about them and identifying them is important so you can figure out ways to face them and fix them. Working the steps will definitely help with some of them, keep up the good work on those. Exercise, eating healthy and getting enough sleep are important too....if you haven't had a checkup since you quit that can't hurt either.

You will find a lot of folks here on SR that understand though...so welcome and don't be afraid to hang out and ask questions.

doggonecarl

Well, if you want to ramble, tell us where you were in your drinking that prompted you to quit. Maybe that will help you step down a rung on that ladder.

Oh, and welcome.

Anna

Mudruck, I'm sorry that you're feeling down and vulnerable at the moment. I wonder what other changes you've made in your life besides stopping drinking? For me, stopping drinking was the first step but I had to make a lot of changes in my life to support my recovery. Do you have any hobbies or activities that you are involved in? Volunteering in your community might be a good idea. It would help you to meet new and sober people and help you to feel good about yourself.

Mudruck

I have been a heavy drinker since I started at age 14. went to AA for first time in my twenties. Lasted only couple months moved away just as I was going to enter rehab. Managed to keep drinking mostly under control for few years. Started working on the road for weeks and months at a time. No one to police my drinking. Got a more stable job with real days off schedule. My job is in a camp situation, so anyway when at home I would drink all the time. I was not ever violent or even abusive. Drank steady but rarely blacked out. Managed to do the family stuff. But always had a drink in mind or in my hand.

Mudruck

I know I am having a pity party and going back to drinking to my sick mind is the easy way out. Knowing still so far does not seem to drag me back to reality.

least

Welcome to the family. I hope the support here, and in real life, can help you stay sober for good.

Bird615

THAT to me, is the clue as to why you might be feeling the way you do.

I did a step 4 and then stalled out there. Instead of finishing it up and moving on to my 5, I got into a big trip of beating myself up and feeling sorry for myself. I was absolutely miserable.

Fortunately my sponsor noticed and got my Step 5 appointment set up for me. It was a huge relief to get that done and then move on through the rest of the steps.

In my case, it was working all of the steps and incorporating their principles into my life that have made a difference in experiencing a contented sobriety or a dry hell.

Dee74

Welcome to SR Mudruck

This community helped talk me out of a lot of dumb ideas in the early days - I know we can help you too.

Keep posting

D

MIRecovery

We have to own our sobriety. You identified multiple problems that need fixing. Start working on a plan to fix them then take the actions necessary.

Alcohol is trying to convince you that drinking is the solution when we all know it is the problem.

This sobriety stuff is not easy but if we work on getting just a little but better each day the results are amazing

Grungehead

What Madbird said.

Stalling out on step 4 is a recipe for relapse....I'm speaking from experience. Especially if you've actually done some writing and "stirred" up a bunch of stuff. It sounds like it's time to finish it up and dump it (step 5).

fini

step 4 sounds like a great place to look more: might speak to your "stalling", which sounds like fear and resistance, and looking at stuff around why you're not available for friendship and why you're having a self-described pity-party.
step 4 was a real perspective-changer for me. and yes, parts of it were miserable, but the end-result was a much better understanding of how i'd gotten to where i was and where i'd been. those defects that are mentioned? those parts i had in those scenarios where i was quite convinced i was solely a victim or at least only "acted upon"? eye-opening. painful but ultimately empowering.

yes, drinking is the apparently easy way out.
it isn't a way out at all, though. it's a way into more suffering.

the real way out also includes suffering initially, but that has a good chance of ending, whereas the drinking suffering has no chance of that at all.

you can do this.
no matter what, you deserve this.

Soberwolf

Welcome Mudruck

Berrybean

Step 4 can be quite fear-inducing, and it can leave us feeling rattled. They good news is that if you push through this, and get on with the step so you can get onto step 5, the you will find a lot of relief.

It sounds to me that your AV is pulling out all the stops. Drinking fantasies. Telling you that you have no friends (you have a wife and a sponsor for a start off) or that you don't deserve friends. In my personal experience, the fears and anxiety can quickly turn to anger, resentments, or shame, which in turn transform miraculously into self-pity. Once I'm at that stage whatever anyone says to me can be perceived as an attack, or further evidence of my own worthlessness.

Please, please. Call your sponsor and say "I'm struggling here". That old 'I'm fine' malarkey just serves to keep us swirling alone in the vortex for longer as it drags us closer and closer in and down. Put your hand up, ask for help and let your sponsor help you.

Are you doing servuce in meetings? If you're not already doing so, I'd suggest getting early and staying late to help set up and clear up. This is when closer friendships get formed, because it's easier to chat when we're focused on putting out chairs, or washing cups or putting away a pile of literature. If you keep yourself separate, you'll FEEL separate (and that can feel lonely).

While working on Step 4 you need to use all your resources and we wary of triggers. If one or two of the HALT triggers are at play, it can affect our sobriety as that's when the restlessness, irritability and discontentment sneaks in.

Wishing you all the best in your sobriety.
BB

Mudruck

Just got back from a meeting and talked with my sponsor. Pulled out my 4th step workbook. Been few weeks since I even looked at it. Going to get some more work in on it tonight. Working on principles. Then going to to my add myself to my list. See where that brings me