Unluckyatlife

I have to see the Dr. Friday. Sorry to be gross but I have black bowels. I was sober over 1 week and fell off on whiskey. At this point, I hate my life. I have acid reflux so bad I can't breath. I have to get a endoscopy and at this point I'm hoping its cancer. At least then people would give me the compassion I never had.

Dee74

You've gotten plenty of compassion here

I'm hoping it's not cancer, but I do hope its a turning point for you

Are you still drinking, Unlucky?

D

MelindaFlowers

I had terrible acid reflux while I was drinking. Burning full-throat pain. Daily.

Now that I'm sober it is 100% gone.

The digestion, my "digestion (ahem) was terrible when I was drinking. Four to five times a day, emergency stuff, unpredictable. I thought I had IBS.

Now that I'm completely sober it is also 100% gone, normal, regular.

Unluckyatlife

Dee, does it really matter if I'm drinking or not? I enjoy whiskeys and am not afraid of the consequences.

Dee74

The reason I asked is because I got very gloomy depressed pessimistic and dark when I was drinking - so yeah Unlucky, I think it matters.

It also matters if you're aggravating whatever this is by drinking more.

This could be any number of things, some serious - but many not so serious and fairly easily managed like IBS.

Whatever this is not drinking will give you the best chance.
Drinking? no chance.

D

sleepie

Whatever upsets you about your life that makes you feel that way, that you never got compassion, I would be willing to bet if you mentioned it here you would find people who listen and encourage you towards health.

It does help to be sober though. I don't believe you are "unafraid of the consequences" because you would not post your thoughts here if that were true.

Unluckyatlife

Dee, I hear what you are saying. This will sound sick but on some level I wish I had cancer. At least then people would give me sympathy?

Dee74

I think that goes back to the point I was making before. Extended drinking really screws you up mentally as well as physically.

It's not normal or healthy to wish you had cancer to get attention/ sympathy/ or compassion but sick or not I think many of us can identify with thinking similar thoughts at some point.

The thing is...and your AV won't like this but I'm not worried...

it's not compassion you need, Unlucky - it's action, and a little self belief.

Really staring death is the face is a helluva lot different to the romantic thoughts of people rescuing us in the nick of time or well attended funerals that we conjure up after a bellyful of booze - trust me.

D

Ariesagain

Actually, they probably won't...people always look for a "reason" someone contracted cancer because then they don't have to fear it for themselves quite as much. Human nature. You'll be a cautionary tale about alcohol causing cancer...

But you have the power to change that and there are people here who understand and will support you.

ScottFromWI

Sympathy won't help you get better in any area of life. You have gotten a lot of sympathy and understanding here, and if you were to seek out help locally through an AA meeting or another recovery group you would find a lot of understanding and help there too.

I hope your tests turn out OK, but more so I hope you can put down the whiskey. You say that you don't care, but that's not true - you wouldn't be here seeking help if you didn't.

Unluckyatlife

scott, A&A folks don't particularly like me for showing up to the afternoon meeting drunk on whiskeys. I watched a loved 1 die from cancer. It's a horrible disease that is very well understood in the medical community. They cant cure it but understand the exact mechanisms of the disease. Alcoholism has been and still is a foggy issue in the medical community. imo, admitting to being an alcoholic is a cop out and not brave at all. i spent 18+ months in a minimum/medium security prison & found that all my peers were sorry about the situation. I was only sorry that I got caught for being drunk on whiskey. I even learned how to make homemade alcohol (I wont disclose the details) and got drunk about 1 aweek while incarcerated.

ScottFromWI

Is your desire to quit drinking?

Unluckyatlife

That is a good question. At this point I don't think so.

sleepie

It's really up to you if you want to change.

If you communicate yourself properly you will indeed have plenty of listening ears here and people who care. Understanding and compassion are different than sympathy. Everyone wants to be understood however I believe nobody wants pity as it is rather condescending.

Wishing for cancer so that you can get sympathy is an extreme and rather troubling statement, to say so in light of the fact that you knew someone who died of it and are not upset by it but rather jealous... is also troubling.

If you ever want to quit drinking, in earnest and genuinely, we'll be here.

ScottFromWI

What is your goal then? Moderate drinking? You must have had some motivation to seek advice on a sobriety forum, right?

Unluckyatlife

sleepie, no one else in my family has alcohol issues. I am the black sheep of the family I think the saying is. When my favorite uncle was diagnosed with cancer the family all supported him and ralleyed around him. They have judged me and I am no longer invited to family events/.

sleepie

Well you have to actively participate in alcoholism. I guess if you buy into the whole disease theory then you might think of it as I dunno... someone who has predisposition to skin cancer yet visits the tanning salon?

And you can stop now. There is help. As far as AA, don't show up drunk and shop around until you find a group that suits you.

Either way even if you use the site for recovery purposes I guess it boils down to what is your objective, is it sobriety? And then how do you use the site or AA or a group to achieve it?

I know that feeling and being alone makes me want to use and drink. I usually reach out here and have gotten this far by doing so. But the main thing is I was not drinking and meant to stay that way. I am here with that intention.

thomas11

Hey Unlucky, just so you know, there are other people just like you....me. I am the black sheep, when drinking I didn't care and was not afraid of the consequences. Not one bit. Started having black stools (blood). Still didn't care, kinda wished for the worst. That was a dark place in my life. Its all changed and I'm glad it has. Just thought I'd share man. Keep us posted.

Unluckyatlife

On one hand I want to stop but on the other hand I don't. I called an old aa buddy who has been off booze for over 2 years. He wants to pick me up for a meeting but I'm shaking like a leaf.

Dee74

I hope you go Unlucky

D