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Sleepie's Testing Countdown Support Thread

Old 04-11-2016, 02:55 PM
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Do you see wildlife jsbodhi?
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Old 04-11-2016, 03:05 PM
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Not all the time, but I've seen in the past-
Moose, bear, big horn sheep, elk, deer, wolf, coyote- plenty of birds, squirrels and chipmunks.
I carry bear spray in case
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Old 04-13-2016, 01:48 PM
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I keep thinking I should break up with my bf. He is really nice but I don't want to be a burden to him. I'm a learning disordered addict. Nobody in their right mind would be attracted to that. I read about co-dependancy and I know he wants me to be happy and helps me with things. I keep asking him to make sure he has boundaries and say no and stuff if he is busy and not just feel like he has to shoulder this burden. I'm always going to be a burden because I am a dum dum, sorry if you guys don't like that word but everything can't be PC all the time. We discuss this all the time but he does not seem to be concerned about it. I told him all about how bad it is and will take a toll on him.

Knowing I will never be my partner's equal if I have nvld- doesn't that make me dependent to some degree? He will always make more money than me. He won't make the dumb mistakes I always do, he manages things better, he can read a map in the car... He comes from a better place and better family. I haven't got anyone since I had to go no contact with my abusive family years ago. Doesn't all that make me just the wrong side of the co-dependent since I am the LD addict?

I didn't ask for any of it, true- but I really can't change my grey matter either and I feel I should set him free. He's really good to me but I think he should put his efforts into something/someone more worthy who doesn't take as much patience and effort as I do. Plus, needing extra effort and patience makes me feel even worse about myself.


I am always worried about this. I've just felt s****y about myself 24/7 since I saw that Dr. My testing is in 6 days. I am a wreck. I don't feel I have any right to anything good in life. Or a whole and healthy partner.
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Old 04-13-2016, 02:24 PM
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Could be he just loves you.
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Old 04-13-2016, 02:26 PM
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You have trouble accepting love and affection, sleepie.
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Old 04-13-2016, 02:38 PM
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I don't know Trach. I mean he says I changed things for him, he quit binge drinking each weekend, I chased off a friend of his who treated him like trash and he lost a little weight and pays more attention to his diet. But I wonder if he's just trying to find a silver lining.

I am always hyper aware of his moods and everything and and maybe that's just from the way I grew up being on hyper alert for everyone's moods in case I was gonna get it again. But I am always worried he is upset or something and just not saying so. Although, I could easily slide into depressing thoughts and behaviors and suicidal thoughts like I did recently and he'd think I was just fine. I mean he said he thought everything was fine and I'd been in bed for weeks, barely leaving. So that's a little confusing to me. I feel as if I pay more attention to him in that way, a lot more. Is that wrong?

I can't tell. I doubt everything now. Every single thing.
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Old 04-13-2016, 03:14 PM
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Sounds like he may have found his silver lining. You're obviously good for him. It sounds like he knows it.

Don't let your parents' treatment of you shade your current relationships.
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Old 04-13-2016, 03:16 PM
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Originally Posted by sleepie View Post
Do you see wildlife jsbodhi?
Scrolled back a couple of days...

If you can't tell bodhi IS wildlife!
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Old 04-13-2016, 04:24 PM
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I agree with trach on the bf thing sleepie.

Also, show him the respect of acknowledging he's smart enough to make his own decisions, including the decision to be with you.

My husband doesn't notice much when I'm depressed, either. He kinda likes me to stay in bed all day. The only time he complains is if I'm mean or dangerous.
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Old 04-13-2016, 05:14 PM
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Ok, I'm all caught up on your thread again, Sleeps! Been sitting on the couch doing nothing but feeling blah...

So, I have to agree with everything Trach and Courage have said. It sounds like your bf loves you because he can see how great you are. Give the guy credit for being a smart guy.

FYI, there are new episodes of Criminal Minds, but they haven't been great so don't bother. Derek just left the show.

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Old 04-13-2016, 05:16 PM
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I just had to post here when I read this upon waking up, sleepie, I hope you don't mind.

Originally Posted by sleepie View Post
I don't feel I have any right to anything good in life. Or a whole and healthy partner.
But you do have a right to a good life! You are a valid human being! I remember when you wrote that yourself and it was a joy to read it - it was one of the best things I've read on SR. You are a human being and deserve every happiness, as does every other human being on this planet.

Originally Posted by sleepie View Post
I'm a learning disordered addict. Nobody in their right mind would be attracted to that.
You have an ld - but it doesn't make you an less of a human being. We are all addicts here - whether to alcohol or other substances. We all deserve happiness still. I know you wouldn't say to me that I don't deserve happiness because I am an addict, so please don't say that to yourself.

After all the terrible, terrible things that have been done and said to you, it's understandable to doubt that you deserve happiness. So, please allow me to shout it again with every fibre: you DESERVE happiness, sleepie! And YOU are a GOOD PERSON!

I'll just go back to the December thread now .... I really had to post this and hope you don't mind I dropped in to do that.

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Old 04-13-2016, 05:35 PM
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I don't know sleepie! I mean you're not holding a gun to his head to be with you.
You're clearly not dumb and maybe he likes taking care of you?
It's nice to feel needed.
Plus you seem good for him!
As for not reading your moods well- I think a lot men think everything is fine until you tell them it isn't, at least that's what I've noticed.

Plus you're an artist- that makes him look cool
He's got the cool artist girlfriend
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Old 04-13-2016, 06:28 PM
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Thanks guys. Miss P of course, drop in any time.

I am just at an all time low today. This disorder caused me to attempt to check out years ago and as a result my friends dropped me like trash.

Losing them dropped me to a low I didn't think I could get to. And I feel it isn't fair, I have ld, I am in the closet, I couldn't handle that knowledge on my own. And I never even got to say "Hey this is why I did what I did, maybe you can understand it was a lot to handle". And it's embarrassing anyway I mean how would you even tell someone something like that? My life is colored by shame and bad experiences.

I never heard from anyone I used to work with that I sent cards to.

I was fired from my last full time job with no notice and no reason that they would give me. And that's when I lost everything and now with all of this getting real in a hurry with these tests I know I am just defunct. The way I have been treated in life just confirms that I'm right to feel this way. It has broken me.

I was thinking on my last job as well, how hard I had to work and try just to get through the day, wracked with anxieties, it was a nightmare. I don't see that changing for me. I'm also worried for my future, how I will ever make a decent living or anything at all. Or even be a complete human being.

It's breaking me down.
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Old 04-13-2016, 06:40 PM
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I guess it also boils down to I don't have anyone to give me a positive reflection of myself. no family or friends since they dropped me years ago. Well, I dropped my family. This situation is a lot to handle on my own. The best I could get is paying someone to talk to about it. Buy someone's time. And that doesn't appeal. That's not like a family member or friend who has known you and can say something about you or your life because they were there with you.

Having been no contact with family for years I don't even have any history of myself. All I know is what I can recall being told by them- that I'm ugly and stupid. A space case. Ashamed of.

That's a big loss that leaves a permanent mark.
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Old 04-14-2016, 12:11 AM
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Sleepie were not going nowhere I would never dream of dropping you as a friend and I'm pretty sure you are loved by many here hun myself Inc
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Old 04-14-2016, 12:16 AM
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Thank you SW
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Old 04-14-2016, 12:28 AM
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I just want to pick you up and hug you, you wonderful, insecure darling. Your boyfriend sees what the rest of us see, that you are a warm, caring person, worthy of all the love in the world. He has free will, you know, and he chose to be with you. With YOU! You don't have to set him free, he is so happy where he is. You make him happy! OK?

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Old 04-14-2016, 12:38 AM
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Hi Sleepie,
So, your post actually inspired me to sign up and this is my Day 1.... I feel very similar to yourself and am taking comfort in so many others feeling the same above.... I am hoping to start and hopefully maintain sobriety this time, and I will most certainly be following your posts and those of others here as I have zero support offline.... I am a little anxious, I'll not lie. But your post, your openness, your honesty has really hit a chord. Good luck with everything, wishing you the best x
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Old 04-14-2016, 12:55 AM
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Sleeps,

So that is another person you inspired to sign up.....

I can only echo what others have said, give your boyfriend the option of loving you if you love him. For you to decide that he is not allowed to love you because of your perceived defects seems unfair to both of you.

About the testing, don't forget that knowledge can also be a good thing. And that is what the tests will hopefully give you -- more knowledge. I just had my daughter and I tested for ADD with a great doctor and the answer was yes, and not just a little bit. Was that what I wanted to hear -- not at all, but knowing more can help us manage better. We can still decide how or if to treat but we know.

Two of my friends have grown children with NVLD, if that is confirmed, and they have learned a lot that have helped them cope with the challenges.

Mainly just remember we love you, and try a little of that on yourself just like you are -- a fighter, a creator, and a helper (and the list goes on)... You have survived more than anyone should have to, but the operative word is survived.
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Old 04-14-2016, 01:50 AM
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Fabela thank you, you are very kind. I hope that I don't wear you all out. I am sober thanks to all those here who have been listening to me for months! And you poor new folks like Fabela

Hi babysteps! Well I am so glad you are here with us Thank you for joining us, and reading my thread. I am glad you got something from it and glad you are seeking sobriety as well Congrats on day one!

Dropsie I am also being tested for adhd. I was wondering if you can tell me anything about your friend's nvld children? Like what they do in life, or for work, are they partnered are they happy?

It is a very good thing that your daughter has been tested now instead of later as an adult, this can be crucial.
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