Sleepie's Testing Countdown Support Thread
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Join Date: May 2014
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I'm doing - I'm going to write a book myself because I couldn't make up half of the nonsense that comes my way - my nom de plum will be kallistia so y'all can find it 
I think it's great that your facing this head on instead of trying to sugarcoat it
I think it's great that your facing this head on instead of trying to sugarcoat it
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 8,614
A bit down today. I've missed out on a lot in life.
I want a day my day in the sun. My turn.
Low self esteem day. A lot of sad memories. Abuses. You know how it goes. Not feeling too good about my crummy grey matter today either.
Was thinking out of my entire life, one person ever gave me unconditional love. But I'd never share this condition with them, I know they'd be disappointed. They are passed on anyway. And that saddens me too. I need someone like that, especially in a time like this.
I want a day my day in the sun. My turn.
Low self esteem day. A lot of sad memories. Abuses. You know how it goes. Not feeling too good about my crummy grey matter today either.
Was thinking out of my entire life, one person ever gave me unconditional love. But I'd never share this condition with them, I know they'd be disappointed. They are passed on anyway. And that saddens me too. I need someone like that, especially in a time like this.
under new management
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: Calgary, Alberta
Posts: 2,339
Originally Posted by sleepie 
Was thinking out of my entire life, one person ever gave me unconditional love. But I'd never share this condition with them, I know they'd be disappointed. They are passed on anyway. And that saddens me too. I need someone like that, especially in a time like this.
I hope tomorrow is a better day for you, sleepie
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Join Date: Apr 2010
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Well, it was ok.
But bf's mother can be a little I dunno, judgmental I guess, especially when it comes to weight. Can't pass up an opportunity to mention it when it comes to other people. I have always found it unnerving when adults have useless things to say about other people like commenting on their weight. It instantly lowers my opinion of them. She has been very disciplined in her diet and has always been thin which is cool but why the mean comments on others? Like if someone on tv isn't Hollywood attractive and thin- they bet blasted.
Same in public. We went to a burger place once. There was a large woman there who was obviously out with her guy, she was wearing a little dress, had tattoos, looked to be enjoying herself. I saw them and thought "Aw, cool 2 kids out on a date, how nice". She saw them and said "HUH looks like someone ate too many hamburgers." I mean bf's mother is a great lady and all but she has been on a diet since 1947 and I think it's making her cranky.
But being who I am I tend to ruminate on things and I felt bad, I felt bad about people. I know why people do this, treat each other poorly and engage in this kind of useless talk. They're afraid of losing their place. If we lived in a world where we came to accept each other more for what matters and less for exterior qualities, they wouldn't get all the benefits those who are rewarded for their exteriors get. I think things just might be starting to change. Only time will tell.
I have just seen the uglier sides of people my whole life. It would be nice to be surprised out there IRL but maybe that's just a fantasy.
But bf's mother can be a little I dunno, judgmental I guess, especially when it comes to weight. Can't pass up an opportunity to mention it when it comes to other people. I have always found it unnerving when adults have useless things to say about other people like commenting on their weight. It instantly lowers my opinion of them. She has been very disciplined in her diet and has always been thin which is cool but why the mean comments on others? Like if someone on tv isn't Hollywood attractive and thin- they bet blasted.
Same in public. We went to a burger place once. There was a large woman there who was obviously out with her guy, she was wearing a little dress, had tattoos, looked to be enjoying herself. I saw them and thought "Aw, cool 2 kids out on a date, how nice". She saw them and said "HUH looks like someone ate too many hamburgers." I mean bf's mother is a great lady and all but she has been on a diet since 1947 and I think it's making her cranky.
But being who I am I tend to ruminate on things and I felt bad, I felt bad about people. I know why people do this, treat each other poorly and engage in this kind of useless talk. They're afraid of losing their place. If we lived in a world where we came to accept each other more for what matters and less for exterior qualities, they wouldn't get all the benefits those who are rewarded for their exteriors get. I think things just might be starting to change. Only time will tell.
I have just seen the uglier sides of people my whole life. It would be nice to be surprised out there IRL but maybe that's just a fantasy.
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Join Date: Apr 2010
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Thank you Rose. One would think. Now I have heard that Canadians are quite nice so maybe you are coming from that 
I did come "out of the closet" to a single friend and they said "I love you no matter what". So I am trying to hold onto that. They have known me for many years.
I did come "out of the closet" to a single friend and they said "I love you no matter what". So I am trying to hold onto that. They have known me for many years.
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Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Canada
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Hi everyone!
Awww! Sleepie! My best friend has self esteem issues; and I always wish that she could see and feel about herself the way I see her- I think the same about you.
You're great, and the sun is coming for you; just continue to meet it half way!
Xoxo
Awww! Sleepie! My best friend has self esteem issues; and I always wish that she could see and feel about herself the way I see her- I think the same about you.
You're great, and the sun is coming for you; just continue to meet it half way!
Xoxo
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Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Canada
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And I couldn't help but laugh at you bf's mom comment about the burgers!!
Not because she's right or it's funny- people are just so outrageous sometimes!
Who cares what someone else ate ha
Ah well, we all have out things!
Not because she's right or it's funny- people are just so outrageous sometimes!
Who cares what someone else ate ha
Ah well, we all have out things!
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What I recall is that as a kid, I didn't care. I didn't care about being weird or ugly. I was just being a kid and doing what I liked. Well as much as one can in an environment with abusive, disordered parents. I was fine until everyone told me I wasn't, over and over and over again- in ever more cruel and inventive ways. Same with my family. Eventually, I never felt ok again. I became acutely self conscious and ashamed, and it has lasted a lifetime. Even adults are horrid... and they really should have better things on their minds.
I dunno. I'd like to think that people are evolving. But I find myself being more and more comfortable with withdrawing from them all.
I dunno. I'd like to think that people are evolving. But I find myself being more and more comfortable with withdrawing from them all.
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Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Canada
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I think that it's really hard to emerge from things that start in childhood like that; because it becomes so ingrained- it's hard to clear the cobwebs out and see yourself as you are, not as what a bunch sociopaths told you.
Xoxo
Xoxo
under new management
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: Calgary, Alberta
Posts: 2,339
Originally Posted by sleepie
Thank you Rose. One would think. Now I have heard that Canadians are quite nice so maybe you are coming from that I did come "out of the closet" to a single friend and they said "I love you no matter what". So I am trying to hold onto that. They have known me for many years.
I did come "out of the closet" to a single friend and they said "I love you no matter what". So I am trying to hold onto that. They have known me for many years.
) 
Although, it is true that I am a nice Canadian, I say what I say because I believe it to be true - you, my girl, are lovable
Life Goes On
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
Sweet Sleepie, I am so happy that you have a time you can remember when you didn't care. And it was when you were a tiny tot! Cherish that memory, hon. It's gold, really.
And you as you are now?
Wow, so beautiful.
xoxo
O
And you as you are now?
Wow, so beautiful.
xoxo
O
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Posts: 8,614
Thanks guys!
Oh don't get all warm and fuzzy Obladi LOL... There was never a "time" I didn't care. There were just more like... "times". Moments. Like if I was out in the woods a little bit. Or away at camp... though I was pretty brutally teased there as well. And sometimes on a solitary bike ride. But, never a time. I was being abused even as an infant, one of my relatives told me how rough my mother used to be with me. My earliest memories are of being hit.
The times I do have to remember are small and few. Alone with a book (which was a lot of the time), at the library (often lol) or maybe a few moments with another relative.
I was attending a zen meditation group at a temple for awhile. Once, I was completely taken by surprise when a pleasant feeling and a quick image passed my mind- simply my sneakered foot, point of view, in the woods. I realized it was a moment I had gotten away as a kid at camp, alone and for a brief exploration. How the sun filtered through the leaves on the forest floor, the sound of crunching twigs where I stepped, that came back. It was just a moment but I think if it often.
I guess it might be more accurate to say, I was pretty used to minding my own business as far as being "weird" and ugly. It took awhile but it eventually did set in, what I was told about myself by others. I think I'd have had a chance to think differently if I hadn't gotten so mercilessly bullied at school and at home- and even my teachers seemed to single me out.
Now I have read this is often the case for those with nvld. Well at least at school, that part. But for a different point of view I used to speak to this Serbian man who came in to one of my work places. He was talking about the bullying awareness here and said that in his country, that wouldn't happen because the teachers would have stopped it. I do wonder from time to time is it ingrained in our culture here in the US, for kids to even be bullied to death. And sometimes, their parents are not only in the know, but participating- especially when it comes to online communications. We do have a very aggressive and fear/hate based culture here, fueled by our history as slave owners, capitalism, consumerism and willful ignorance about the world and other cultures.
Maybe could have something to do with it. Or, people are just awful.
But all that aside, thank you guys for hearing me out on this thread You all are just the kind of folks who shed a little light at the end of the tunnel.
Oh don't get all warm and fuzzy Obladi LOL... There was never a "time" I didn't care. There were just more like... "times". Moments. Like if I was out in the woods a little bit. Or away at camp... though I was pretty brutally teased there as well. And sometimes on a solitary bike ride. But, never a time. I was being abused even as an infant, one of my relatives told me how rough my mother used to be with me. My earliest memories are of being hit.
The times I do have to remember are small and few. Alone with a book (which was a lot of the time), at the library (often lol) or maybe a few moments with another relative.
I was attending a zen meditation group at a temple for awhile. Once, I was completely taken by surprise when a pleasant feeling and a quick image passed my mind- simply my sneakered foot, point of view, in the woods. I realized it was a moment I had gotten away as a kid at camp, alone and for a brief exploration. How the sun filtered through the leaves on the forest floor, the sound of crunching twigs where I stepped, that came back. It was just a moment but I think if it often.
I guess it might be more accurate to say, I was pretty used to minding my own business as far as being "weird" and ugly. It took awhile but it eventually did set in, what I was told about myself by others. I think I'd have had a chance to think differently if I hadn't gotten so mercilessly bullied at school and at home- and even my teachers seemed to single me out.
Now I have read this is often the case for those with nvld. Well at least at school, that part. But for a different point of view I used to speak to this Serbian man who came in to one of my work places. He was talking about the bullying awareness here and said that in his country, that wouldn't happen because the teachers would have stopped it. I do wonder from time to time is it ingrained in our culture here in the US, for kids to even be bullied to death. And sometimes, their parents are not only in the know, but participating- especially when it comes to online communications. We do have a very aggressive and fear/hate based culture here, fueled by our history as slave owners, capitalism, consumerism and willful ignorance about the world and other cultures.
Maybe could have something to do with it. Or, people are just awful.
But all that aside, thank you guys for hearing me out on this thread
You all are just the kind of folks who shed a little light at the end of the tunnel.
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 8,614
Aww SW
Ok to be fair here she never mentions mine. I am not what she would deem a "chubby" at least not to my face. But it does bring me down that she cares about anyone other than herself in that respect. Or that anyone does for that matter.
One thing I like about visiting NYC... you can have 2 heads there, nobody cares, nobody looks. Don't matter much what you wear, what you weigh, how you look. Nobody seems to care. They're busy doing other things. Same with the French Quarter in New Orleans, unless it has become more boring since I was last there over 15 years ago...
Speaking of which... I love New Orleans so much because it really has culture and personality. And art and music live in the streets and in the air, and are infused with everything and everyone there. It's not boring and it's lovely and rather decayed and very genuine. While driving home from an appointment with bf today I was lamenting, again the absolute lack of culture here. Just a bleak, uninspiring landscape of strip malls and expressways and then into the city, where you can buy a ticket to see some art for just under 20 bucks, making it an elitist activity for those who have that spending money. Everyone else in the entire city can wait until the few hours a week they have (evening only) free admittance. Now I don't see how that enriches our population on the whole here, if a scant few hours once week are all that may be had for most- assuming they are not working and can go.
Anyway bf pointed at a sea of satellite dishes and said "There's our culture". It's true, people go around informed mostly by what they see there. It's not doing much good. Now I have a real interesting problem here because I do love TV as well. It as well as films are pretty much my good friends these days.
Ok to be fair here she never mentions mine. I am not what she would deem a "chubby" at least not to my face. But it does bring me down that she cares about anyone other than herself in that respect. Or that anyone does for that matter.
One thing I like about visiting NYC... you can have 2 heads there, nobody cares, nobody looks. Don't matter much what you wear, what you weigh, how you look. Nobody seems to care. They're busy doing other things. Same with the French Quarter in New Orleans, unless it has become more boring since I was last there over 15 years ago...
Speaking of which... I love New Orleans so much because it really has culture and personality. And art and music live in the streets and in the air, and are infused with everything and everyone there. It's not boring and it's lovely and rather decayed and very genuine. While driving home from an appointment with bf today I was lamenting, again the absolute lack of culture here. Just a bleak, uninspiring landscape of strip malls and expressways and then into the city, where you can buy a ticket to see some art for just under 20 bucks, making it an elitist activity for those who have that spending money. Everyone else in the entire city can wait until the few hours a week they have (evening only) free admittance. Now I don't see how that enriches our population on the whole here, if a scant few hours once week are all that may be had for most- assuming they are not working and can go.
Anyway bf pointed at a sea of satellite dishes and said "There's our culture". It's true, people go around informed mostly by what they see there. It's not doing much good. Now I have a real interesting problem here because I do love TV as well. It as well as films are pretty much my good friends these days.
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