sleepie

That is the truth lein, greedy people are at the root cause. Well I have now more info than I ever did on the taxes of the UK. I feel enriched.

I have only to ask and I will have free pills. I have no plans to ask now, though. I think though that you will be seeing similar threads for a bit. I know that after the tests I will be a nervous wreck and am scared to think of what shape I will be in after I have the results. I mean it's all a sensitive situation.

lein

It is a sensitive situation sleepie, all you can do, is put one foot in front of the other and keep on walking through it. Try not to dwell too much on what the results will be and what will happen yet, take it as it comes. Easier said than done, I know.
I know, I got stuck on a tax rant, boring!! haha

Fabela

sleepie

That wasn't boring at all actually I did enjoy the tax rant, as I am not too acutely aware of how it all works elsewhere!

Hi and thanks Fabela how are you today?

sleepie

LOL jsbodhi is my mind playing tricks on me now? Did I see you?

Fabela

Terrified and scared, to be honest. Have to go to a meeting that I don't want to go to. That's why I couldn't offer any support here in your thread, but I wanted so bad to show you that I have read what you wrote, that's why my only response was a smiley. I promise I'll be back later, when I'm more grounded.

sleepie

Ok Fabela, you can do it!

Jsbodhi

Yeah haha! You caught it!

sleepie

You Canadians move quick!

trachemys

sleepie, you know I love you. How about, when you get tempted to drink or drug you come ask our permission?

FBL

Sleepie, sorry you've been feeling anxious. I inherited anxiety problems from my Mom's side of the family. Drinking only made things worse, however it took me nearly 30 years to finally figure that out. I know you don't want to hear about trying to be positive, but let me ask you how being negative has worked out for you? I don't mean being positive in a plastic "just grin and bear it" way, but in a deep, inner, self-loving way. When you continue to beat yourself up for what others have done to you, you let them win. Don't let those bastards beat you! You're so much better than that. You deserve a better life, but it has to start from within. I found the practice of daily gratitude to be very helpful. Some days I find it hard, but if I look hard enough I can always find something to be grateful for. This thread is a great start. I believe you'll make it through and come out even stronger for it.

zjw

Thats a depressing thought. Even if it where true what purpose does it serve other then to make you feel bad.

I get stuck in those kinds of thoughts myself but I do try to avoid it all together. for me they always end up in a really dark place with no good solution in site. I wish i had positive answers to those kinds of thoughts but i never can come up with any it just sinks me lower and lower and darker and darker.

Now I just try to avoid that kinda thinking.

Hawkeye13

Just sending support sleepie
One gets tired of struggling after many years.

I would like second other's concerns about picking up again. . .
I did learn in my last relapse that while my capacity to want to keep numb
is infinite, but the number of recoveries I have is limited--

Comes a time you just can't find your way back.
Please don't go there--you do deserve so much more

Jsbodhi

I liked the tax rant too

Hawkeye13

yep

sleepie

Thing is about being down on myself, I know I am a good person, that's not an issue. However I have been told I am ugly all my life. In school I was bullied to epic degrees. I have seen the worst of people. Just the worst. I cannot even repeat what they called me here. And, it's not like I came home to a caring family that helped me deal with it or loved me anyway.

I came home to more teasing, more humiliation. My mother used to taunt me until I dissolved into tears and then call the family out to look at me and laugh. Then smack me around for not being able to "take a joke".

Have you ever been laughed at because of your appearance? It makes a person wish they were never born. And it wasn't a one time thing. It was all day, eery day, for years.

Then there were the jokes about me being stupid. My math teachers were pure evil. There is one that scarred me for life for what she said to me in front of the class. And my own mother again making fun of me for being clumsy, and in her words, hers not mine- a "******". I mean that word or a variation of it was basically my name to her.

So my self esteem, confidence in my appearance and my intellect all attacked and destroyed by my peers, teachers and even my own family.

I wish to god I had money for a vanity surgery. That would change my entire life. Or that I could qualify for Lasik, but my eyes are far too bad and I don't. I always felt I was being punished for reading too much as a child. Which is another symptom of this disorder- preferring books to people basically... and who wouldn't, the way I was treated? I am so tired of going through life like this.

Going on for these tests and being told that I have indeed lived with a learning disorder is like all the terrible things I have been told about myself are being validated. In essence- they were right.

sleepie

being bullied at home by my own family and especially a very sadistic mother was especially painful because I remember being so confused, and just all kinds of hurt, to an overwhelming degree. I couldn't fight back, stand up for myself. She had a field day. I wasn't smart enough to see beyond it. She was picking on someone with a disorder. I think one day I even had a nervous breakdown at school from all the teasing. But, nobody cared.

Fabela

sleepie, my heart breaks for you. What an awful, terrible childhood you've had. I can't even imagine how it was, and to think that your own family treated you that way. The very people who by default should have loved you unconditionally. I feel so sad for you, you didn't deserve that at all. I can relate though, the feeling of not being good enough has been with me the last 30 years. We need to learn to love ourselves, because we are worthy of love - FROM OURSELVES. That's the most important person in our lives.

Sending you a heap of good thoughts and a big hug.

sleepie

They are monsters Fabela.

Thank you Fabela

And now I thought my eyes were playing tricks on me but you changed your avatar too right? That was a very nice photo, you look like a sweet person and I liked that top

Did your meeting go well yesterday?

Fabela

Yeah, I changed it, I didn't like to see my face everywhere. But I am in fact a sweet person, I just don't see it myself. My meeting was earlier today, and it went very well. Actually, I think that it was the best meeting in my life (more detailed in my accountability thread, don't want to spam yours.)

We can do this.