Sleepie's Testing Countdown Support Thread
now's the time
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 2,181
Codependency can also manifest as trying to control how your partner thinks and feels, Sleepie. It isn't always neatly split with addict/alcoholic on one side and codependent on the other. I'm an alcoholic AND I'm a codependent who tends to date emotionally avoidant men. (I've also found theories of attachment to be pretty relevant to my relationship history). Your boyfriend might not be a particularly emotionally connective person, or an empathetic one, etc. Your need to coach him to have those attributes could possibly be a form of codependency. It could also just be that you're not happy in this relationship.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 5,229
does he socialize well with others? like maybe he just lacks the social skills. I know i can be bad at times and its just social anxiety or lacking the proper social skills or simply afraid to say the wrong thing so i say nothing at all. I've improved but I've had to work at it and i bet my wife would say i got work to do yet lol.
I think part of my issue is females never where interested in me much id dint have too much interaction so never really figured out how to socially interact well and i grew up with a brother and no sisters. I had to like learn how to engage a female properly.
Not trying to defend him just trying to try and make some sense out of why he is how he is.
I think part of my issue is females never where interested in me much id dint have too much interaction so never really figured out how to socially interact well and i grew up with a brother and no sisters. I had to like learn how to engage a female properly.
Not trying to defend him just trying to try and make some sense out of why he is how he is.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
I just wanted to add my .02
I don't think it's unreasonable for you to expect some support from your bf
and try not to think too much about failing this test/tests - it's not a pass fail thing
D
I don't think it's unreasonable for you to expect some support from your bf
and try not to think too much about failing this test/tests - it's not a pass fail thing
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 8,614
zjw yes he has not done himself any favors by being indoors and avoiding all things and people for years. He says it is because he chose alcohol over all other relationships. He has barely dated anyone and I am pretty much the 1st long term, adult relationship he has had. SIGH I guess I should remind myself of that. But it just seems that emotional connection would be intuitive.
Fantail ok that I never knew about the different kinds of codependency. But, I don't want to control him at all. I want more than anything for him to have feelings, thoughts, anything and share them. I don't want to tell him what to say or do... I hate being "In charge" all the time and I tell him that- when he is always ambiguous it means I have to define things all the time, and I don't want to.
Fantail ok that I never knew about the different kinds of codependency. But, I don't want to control him at all. I want more than anything for him to have feelings, thoughts, anything and share them. I don't want to tell him what to say or do... I hate being "In charge" all the time and I tell him that- when he is always ambiguous it means I have to define things all the time, and I don't want to.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 8,614
Thanks Dee. I know it's not pass/fail but I also know what it does mean. We talked about it at the office and things will be handled with care- I am kind of permanently traumatized from the "tests" they did to me as a kid before they put me on some heavy meds 
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Re: codependency. I am going to explain this badly, and there are people who won't agree with the words I use, but I am okay with that. I am going to talk about my own personal codependency, which I define as "an addiction to being defined and validated by a relationship". When I couldn't be My Mother's Daughter anymore I set about becoming Somebody's Girlfriend, and eventually Somebody's Wife. All of those relationships bore the hallmarks of my codependency, but the other person was NOT always an addict I was enabling.
The way I expressed my codependency was doing or being or trying to do and be whatever I had to be to get the love and validation I needed in a relationship, and which I was simply incapable of giving myself.
So I don't think it is always as straightforward as addict/codependent, or that those roles are always crystal clear. I was attractive to my alcoholic ex because he saw in me someone without strong boundaries who would not challenge him too much. Until I wasn't, of course, and I moved on. After, of course, a lot of enabling, and a LOT of trying to change him into the person I was SURE he could be. And now I look at those efforts and I feel disappointed in myself. Sure he was a mess, but who was I to say he had to change? If who he was made me unhappy, wasn't his drinking ultimately my problem, not his?
Now I look at all relationships in my life as conscious choices to accept everyone for exactly who they are, rather than who I wish they were, and to make my choices about how I deal with them accordingly. But I can't expect anyone else to change. I can never expect my mother to suddenly turn into the warm, unconditionally loving person I wish she was. She isn't. It's too bad, but I can't change her. So I choose to minimize my time with her or talking to her. It makes us both miserable and life is too short for that. My bosses at work drive me nuts, but I can't spend any time or energy complaining about the stupid thoughtless things they do - that's allowing way too much head space that they don't deserve. If I ever really can't take it anymore, then it is up to me to change my situation, not to change them. But for now, this job allows me the freedom to pursue theatre in my off hours. They never make me stay late if I say I can't. The pay is good, the work is creative. When my theatre company holds a benefit, they all by raffle tickets. So right now, I can handle a few obnoxious and thoughtless requests, as long as I never find myself letting up on my own boundaries.
Sorry this was rambly and probably none too helpful. I always check in on your threads because I am really drawn to your forthrightness and your way of expressing yourself, and that you keep on keeping on, despite the many challenges you have faced and continue to face. What I really want to say is that you deserve a supportive partner. I think you know that, but I own it sometimes helps to have other people say it.
The way I expressed my codependency was doing or being or trying to do and be whatever I had to be to get the love and validation I needed in a relationship, and which I was simply incapable of giving myself.
So I don't think it is always as straightforward as addict/codependent, or that those roles are always crystal clear. I was attractive to my alcoholic ex because he saw in me someone without strong boundaries who would not challenge him too much. Until I wasn't, of course, and I moved on. After, of course, a lot of enabling, and a LOT of trying to change him into the person I was SURE he could be. And now I look at those efforts and I feel disappointed in myself. Sure he was a mess, but who was I to say he had to change? If who he was made me unhappy, wasn't his drinking ultimately my problem, not his?
Now I look at all relationships in my life as conscious choices to accept everyone for exactly who they are, rather than who I wish they were, and to make my choices about how I deal with them accordingly. But I can't expect anyone else to change. I can never expect my mother to suddenly turn into the warm, unconditionally loving person I wish she was. She isn't. It's too bad, but I can't change her. So I choose to minimize my time with her or talking to her. It makes us both miserable and life is too short for that. My bosses at work drive me nuts, but I can't spend any time or energy complaining about the stupid thoughtless things they do - that's allowing way too much head space that they don't deserve. If I ever really can't take it anymore, then it is up to me to change my situation, not to change them. But for now, this job allows me the freedom to pursue theatre in my off hours. They never make me stay late if I say I can't. The pay is good, the work is creative. When my theatre company holds a benefit, they all by raffle tickets. So right now, I can handle a few obnoxious and thoughtless requests, as long as I never find myself letting up on my own boundaries.
Sorry this was rambly and probably none too helpful. I always check in on your threads because I am really drawn to your forthrightness and your way of expressing yourself, and that you keep on keeping on, despite the many challenges you have faced and continue to face. What I really want to say is that you deserve a supportive partner. I think you know that, but I own it sometimes helps to have other people say it.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 5,229
yeah kinda reminds me a little bit about how it was with me and my wife in the begining she'd go nuts tryign to get me to "get it" it was just all over my head all the time. I've improved that being said therse hope he will too.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 8,614
That was very helpful Sparkle, I got some things to think on, thank you for that post! I appreciate your... appreciation. lol. Ok, I know my way is not for everyone but it's the only way I know how to be, at this time anyway. So thank you for seeing my forthrightness as a good thing (I think).
That is some higher level stuff there with the accepting people for exactly who they are, I ain't gonna lie, I think I'd have to become the Buddha himself right now to attain that kind of acceptance. But in the future maybe it won't be such a stretch. One day at a time. I have been putting thought lately though, into how I can detach more and just completely rely on myself and no one else, not the bf or anyone for emotional support. It kinda gives me the shivers 'cause of being left in the cold as a kid that way and "on my own" from a very young age and I didn't fare too well.
But I am older and wiser now. It does sadden me a little to think I will not have the bond I always wanted with another, but in a life that has had much loss I suppose it shouldn't matter much.
But damn it does hurt a bit. And of course I still want there to be hope he can change.
Time will tell.
That is some higher level stuff there with the accepting people for exactly who they are, I ain't gonna lie, I think I'd have to become the Buddha himself right now to attain that kind of acceptance. But in the future maybe it won't be such a stretch. One day at a time. I have been putting thought lately though, into how I can detach more and just completely rely on myself and no one else, not the bf or anyone for emotional support. It kinda gives me the shivers 'cause of being left in the cold as a kid that way and "on my own" from a very young age and I didn't fare too well.
But I am older and wiser now. It does sadden me a little to think I will not have the bond I always wanted with another, but in a life that has had much loss I suppose it shouldn't matter much.
But damn it does hurt a bit. And of course I still want there to be hope he can change.
Time will tell.
Life Goes On
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
Sleepie,
I don't think that you know you "will not have the bond you always wanted with another" any more than I know that about myself. It could happen. But I'm quite certain for myself that this will only be possible when I get to the place Sparkle describes - the one where I am willing and able to accept people exactly where they are. Or if I can't, to refrain from trying to make them get there.
I think too that there is a difference between accepting emotional help from people and needing it. If you look around, you'll see that people want to "be there" for you. Lots of people, and they're not all here on SR (though a lot of us are). I think what you are looking for is maybe validation of how hard things are for you. But that's not emotional help, it's asking people to live in your head. This is something I used to really yearn for - "If there was only someone who could really understand how things are for me." I don't wish for that anymore, because it would be too much and too little at the same time. I could probably write an essay on that but I don't want to bore you. I just wanted to say that I think maybe I kind of get it.
Last thing for now: everyone changes. They just don't necessarily change how we want them to be and that's just too bad for us if we expect that is possible. But hey, people can change in amazing and surprising ways and that could be wonderful for us. Same coin, two sides.
xo
O
I don't think that you know you "will not have the bond you always wanted with another" any more than I know that about myself. It could happen. But I'm quite certain for myself that this will only be possible when I get to the place Sparkle describes - the one where I am willing and able to accept people exactly where they are. Or if I can't, to refrain from trying to make them get there.
I think too that there is a difference between accepting emotional help from people and needing it. If you look around, you'll see that people want to "be there" for you. Lots of people, and they're not all here on SR (though a lot of us are). I think what you are looking for is maybe validation of how hard things are for you. But that's not emotional help, it's asking people to live in your head. This is something I used to really yearn for - "If there was only someone who could really understand how things are for me." I don't wish for that anymore, because it would be too much and too little at the same time. I could probably write an essay on that but I don't want to bore you. I just wanted to say that I think maybe I kind of get it.
Last thing for now: everyone changes. They just don't necessarily change how we want them to be and that's just too bad for us if we expect that is possible. But hey, people can change in amazing and surprising ways and that could be wonderful for us. Same coin, two sides.
xo
O
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Georgia
Posts: 711
Sleepie, I really admire all of your friends here who are so supportive and so amazingly abl
to express themselves. I'm speaking of all the regular contributors...( you guys know who you are ;-). )
Me, not so good that way...doesn't mean I don't care though
I just thought I should answer the question you asked me very recently
And yes. Drinking. Was going to post somewhere else, but didn't know how to start a new thingy. Not very computer.
You have always been ver y kind to me, so here I am.
Just trying to be honest . But, I a, not
Trying to burden you, I k ow you are dealing with so much...this is just a new start for me
I hop e I have not broken any rules
Not putting this on you shoulders
to express themselves. I'm speaking of all the regular contributors...( you guys know who you are ;-). )
Me, not so good that way...doesn't mean I don't care though
I just thought I should answer the question you asked me very recently
And yes. Drinking. Was going to post somewhere else, but didn't know how to start a new thingy. Not very computer.
You have always been ver y kind to me, so here I am.
Just trying to be honest . But, I a, not
Trying to burden you, I k ow you are dealing with so much...this is just a new start for me
I hop e I have not broken any rules
Not putting this on you shoulders
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