Hawkeye13

If double X has to do with cerveza, don't do it.

sleepie

LOL nope don't worry Hawk.

no I was just being obscure.

zjw

sleepie when you say your BF lacks any emotional support what is it your looking for? I'm only asking becuase iw oudlnt be surprised if as a male i fail in this category at times as well so i might be able to learn something here.

Or is he just like the mute partner who just plays it off like all is fine and doesnt offer much in the way of dialog about it?

sleepie

Alright well, I want him to put himself in my shoes and see how he'd feel and then figure it out. He does sit there silent a lot. Never, ever initiates any talk and if he does it's just "How are you feeing" which... I don't know that does not do it. I mean it doesn't really address anything. I mean it would have been nice if he said "Hey I know these tests are important to you...etc.". I tell him what I need him to do or say and then it just rings hollow since I told him.

Mostly if he ever initiated any real conversation instead of just asking how I feel, that would be mind blowing- like if he had his own thoughts on things that were important to me as if he had thought about it or something.

He really hides his head in the sand for all things. Out of sight out of mind. Ignore it and it will go away. But it doesn't, it snowballs into a huge globby goo of sadness and resentment and feeling ignored on my part.

SparkleKitty

I'm sorry your BF is not the person you wish he was, sleepie. I know just how frustrating that is.

sleepie

Hi Sparkle I am always glad to see you, how have you been?

I wonder is it unfair of me to have this wish for him to be more... involved, emotional?

I think I have made changes...

tomsteve

seems ratber selfish a d self centered.
maybe you should put yourself in his shoes and see what hes been dealing with in you?

SparkleKitty

I am doing okay, thanks for asking!

I for one don't think it is unfair of you to want your partner to be more involved and supportive, but I do wonder if it is just too much to expect from *him*? It is obvious you have made changes -- really, really positive changes -- but he is still sort of who he has always been. I also wonder if possibly you are not just outgrowing this relationship?

I don't have answers. I think the best we can do is tell people how we feel. He can either be there for you or he can't -- and if he can't right now it is up to him to want to change. Sometimes change is too scary, even if we really care for someone.

I do think it is good that you know what you want from a relationship. Took me ages to even get to that point.

sleepie

Thanks Sparkle I really appreciate your input- I think you are mostly hanging over in the "Friends and Family" so I do like that perspective.

I really check in with him a lot. I am well aware that anything I have gone through these past months might be stressful for him as well. Thing is I check in with him, but he never, ever does with me. I mean I tell him outright that I wouldn't blame him one bit for breaking up with me, and I even asked him why he didn't at least threaten to dump me while I was drinking.

And I acknowledge the toll my drinking and everything might have on him more than he does. As far as he's concerned everything is fine... how can that be? I know it's not fine. It kind of upsets me too that I am so hyper aware of how things might affect him and worry about it yet I can spiral right down in to depression and he doesn't blink twice. I'll be in bed 5 days straight, not showered, he'll ask if I want more coffee.

I ask him all kinds of ways and from different angles if he feels this way or that because I am always sure he must have some feelings about alI of this and what it means to be in a long term relationship with... all of this. He doesn't question things much. I mean all I can surmise is that as long as he does not bring it up or hasn't anything to say about it- it's not that big a deal- to him. Reality though, it is a big deal. He just really kind of likes to stick his head in the sand and wait for things to just... go away?

As you can probably tell I am more of a face things head on type, let's clear the air so we know what we're working with. Treading lightly, looking the other way and simply hoping for the best is not my way.

Jsbodhi

Sleepie if it's any consolation; I do extremely bad on IQ tests, like forrest gump bad.
Yet I can still pull A's in uni.
I think they're stupid.
For the exact reason you just said- tired, no breakfast, nerves, frustration.
All kinds of things screw those tests up

sleepie

jsbodhi not online tests
If it's a real IQ test only a Dr can give it, it takes several hours and costs...$$$

sleepie

But I am trying not to worry too much. Mostly I am upset that I failed myself by not getting any sleep and being so miserable and worked up about it... and therefore unable to complete it today.

Like I said... I don't do well without support here IRL!

Jsbodhi

Then I'm sure I'd be even worse if it's serious!!

(((( hug))))

I screw things up constantly by freaking out and not sleeping.
In fact there's not a hope I'll sleep if I have something important the next day

sleepie

Have you seen that Cow? Starting to get a teensy bit concerned, a teensy bit.

Jsbodhi

Like I said- ZERO sleep for a final exam

Jsbodhi

I haven't seen cow, I was checking here, then island, then cow diary

SparkleKitty

Coming from the codependent side of things, what you describe here sounds a lot like denial to me. Just like a broad spectrum, generalized, way-of-life kind of denial. "If I pretend it isn't happening, it will go away and I won't have to deal with it."

Engaging with people honestly is terrifying for some people. Denial is a *much* safer choice, though I learned the hard way that the more and longer I suppressed my real feelings, the WAY worse it was when they finally made their way out. Lots of collateral damage that I deeply regret.

When I finally decided to deal with my relationship dysfunction it was super hard, but what made it better for me - what made it POSSIBLE some days - was having a handful of people who accepted me and all my crap for exactly what it was. My family wasn't ever able to do that for me, but I had a couple of close friends who did. Eventually I learned to accept myself, ugly, raw, emotional mess and all. Then I could finally learn to be the kind of partner/friend I wanted to be. But I needed to be willing.

sleepie

Hm. Interesting, Sparkle. I have read up on the codependent dynamic. But I am still unsure how my half is the, I don't know- more "up front about things" type. It doesn't seem to fit the mold. I mean I cleaned up, without him ever mentioning it at all... I started looking into some other things like this testing- I seek answers. I don't know what type of codependent that is cause everything I read is kind of like... I would have to be the lying, manipulative addict who will never acknowledge my partner or his needs, and that has never been the case.

And I'm always the one who brings stuff up, wouldn't most addict/codependents like nothing more than a partner who enabled and looked the other way? It drives me nuts! I want him to care, I want him to be mad. He should feel something...

sleepie

Yes, yes. I think you really nailed it here. So it is with many in life... Sparkle you are just spot on So concise and just plain true. Why can't I see that?

SparkleKitty

Big huge hugs, sleepie. This stuff is super hard. I have more thoughts on your other post before this one but I am on a bus and have to get off! I will be back though!