Sleepie's Testing Countdown Support Thread
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 8,614
LOL I do like that game as well.
My anxieties are mostly related to my appearance. There's no fixing it. I'll just never get over the brutal and daily humiliation I suffered the 1st 20 years of my life. I am never going to be comfortable with myself. And people are rude and loud mouthed and I can't take being laughed at.
My anxieties are mostly related to my appearance. There's no fixing it. I'll just never get over the brutal and daily humiliation I suffered the 1st 20 years of my life. I am never going to be comfortable with myself. And people are rude and loud mouthed and I can't take being laughed at.
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Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: middle of nowhere
Posts: 2,849
Anybody who is rude because someone looks a certain way, is an out and out ******* and loser. They are such sorry sacks of poo in their souls. There is no fixing brown souls.
You are infinitely better than all of them.
Please don't ever forget that.
You are infinitely better than all of them.
Please don't ever forget that.
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Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,837
Yeah I agree with deliza.
I'm not so sure humans are very good creatures.
It's funny to me that calling someone an ' animal' is even an insult- I tend to find animals to be more loyal, kind, sweeter than humans.
The insult should be " you're such a human!!"
I'm not so sure humans are very good creatures.
It's funny to me that calling someone an ' animal' is even an insult- I tend to find animals to be more loyal, kind, sweeter than humans.
The insult should be " you're such a human!!"
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 8,614
Ha.
Well my bf says the same thing all the time, that those people are horrible etc.
But it doesn't matter if they're horrible. They get to be horrible, but also happy and probably a hell of a lot more fulfilled than me. And that's a truth. So they're horrible so what? Sucks for me. They don't suffer for being awful. Just the ones they decide to torment.
Anyway, I am in my 40's and still, and always have felt like a scared teenager. My armor is still the same. Tee shirts, combat boots, comic books. I mean it's just the way it is I guess. Life ain't for every one.
Deliza I'll really think of what you said in PM. I almost teared up a bit. If I am slow on the response it cause it's a lot to chew on.
Well my bf says the same thing all the time, that those people are horrible etc.
But it doesn't matter if they're horrible. They get to be horrible, but also happy and probably a hell of a lot more fulfilled than me. And that's a truth. So they're horrible so what? Sucks for me. They don't suffer for being awful. Just the ones they decide to torment.
Anyway, I am in my 40's and still, and always have felt like a scared teenager. My armor is still the same. Tee shirts, combat boots, comic books. I mean it's just the way it is I guess. Life ain't for every one.
Deliza I'll really think of what you said in PM. I almost teared up a bit. If I am slow on the response it cause it's a lot to chew on.
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Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: middle of nowhere
Posts: 2,849
I bet they won't feel so smug when I feed them a knuckle sandwich.
Sorry, my daddy says violence is bad but hey, if the shoe fits in the bum... stick with us, kid.
(Sorry for the novel... I has verbal diarrhea at times)
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 8,614
Oh no, I really, really appreciate all that you said. I am glad you took the time to say it all. I am not gonna lie I'd like to see what it's like to be attractive cause a lifetime on the other side of the fence is treated as an offense that you never stop paying for. Ever now and then I have a f*** it day where I just don't give a darn but it takes a lot to get there and be there.
I think being that I have been lied to and manipulated by a number of people as well, has also been a big blow. I mean even in my 30's. I just never caught on.
I think being that I have been lied to and manipulated by a number of people as well, has also been a big blow. I mean even in my 30's. I just never caught on.
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Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: NSW - Australia
Posts: 14,536
Hi sleepie my older brother whose approval I always sought used to openly describe me as the "scum excreted from the bowels of society" in front of my parents who did nothing to stop stop him. This was only the tip of the iceberg. School, everywhere. I know that ridicule.
Only now I see him as a pathetic coward, which makes me sad but not sad enough to re establish relations.
I got dragged up in front of the entire quadrangle once for having holes in my shirt and humiliated publicly. Oh the shame. I made some miserable gesture as to poverty not being a crime.
Back a few posts: It also comes down to the question of 'what is work'? Does it have to be conventional paid employment, or can it be drawing a thylacine or lying on the couch just thinking. "Sometimes I just sit and think, other times I just sit".
And as far as conventional beauty is concerned nobody can smile anymore.
Only now I see him as a pathetic coward, which makes me sad but not sad enough to re establish relations.
I got dragged up in front of the entire quadrangle once for having holes in my shirt and humiliated publicly. Oh the shame. I made some miserable gesture as to poverty not being a crime.
Back a few posts: It also comes down to the question of 'what is work'? Does it have to be conventional paid employment, or can it be drawing a thylacine or lying on the couch just thinking. "Sometimes I just sit and think, other times I just sit".
And as far as conventional beauty is concerned nobody can smile anymore.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 8,614
Hi Steely
Definitely I could do my own personal work and be quite happy. I mean we all could... but bills gotta get paid. I have kind of plans to find a part timer at some point... everything is on hold for now though.
Definitely I could do my own personal work and be quite happy. I mean we all could... but bills gotta get paid. I have kind of plans to find a part timer at some point... everything is on hold for now though.
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Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: middle of nowhere
Posts: 2,849
I do understand where you're coming from. I won't expound or expunge or whatever the word is on it all over again... lol but I can promise you this: nobody who practises toxic behaviors at the expense of another being is happy and fulfilled behind closed doors.
All the mansions in Malibu and barbie and Kens of the world does not a good and happy person make. I think you're equating a superficial bandaid as what you so badly want to feel inside yourself.
You can't possibly know what their inner demons are and what drives them to feel mightier by cutting another down. That is not true happiness.
There is no gauge stick other than how each of us feels inside ourselves. Most of us are pretty good at lying to ourselves about what makes us happy... I think you are able to recognize you're not happy where you're at which I see ultimately as you're open to learning and growing? We can't fix or work with what we don't acknowledge, right? I'd say that makes you intellectually advanced. I can say that I cling to my looks or my alcohol because I think it makes me feel better... when the truth is neither of it does. Alcohol is a thief, looks have their season and can also be used as a cruel tool inwardly and outwardly and time ultimately takes its own toll no matter what we look like and then death is the great equalizer.
At the end of the day we give these people who cause us bitterness and resentment free rent in our heads. When I am on my deathbed, I don't want to look back and say, hey I moderated drinking for 60 years and looked good doing it. I'd rather talk about the journey of my life and the people who touched my heart, inspired my mind and helped me grow... our time here is so fleeting. Our hearts and minds are what carry us into the next life or world and leave some kind of footprint behind...
I'm so glad to know you sleepie
and grateful that you're part of my journey.
All the mansions in Malibu and barbie and Kens of the world does not a good and happy person make. I think you're equating a superficial bandaid as what you so badly want to feel inside yourself.
You can't possibly know what their inner demons are and what drives them to feel mightier by cutting another down. That is not true happiness.
There is no gauge stick other than how each of us feels inside ourselves. Most of us are pretty good at lying to ourselves about what makes us happy... I think you are able to recognize you're not happy where you're at which I see ultimately as you're open to learning and growing? We can't fix or work with what we don't acknowledge, right? I'd say that makes you intellectually advanced. I can say that I cling to my looks or my alcohol because I think it makes me feel better... when the truth is neither of it does. Alcohol is a thief, looks have their season and can also be used as a cruel tool inwardly and outwardly and time ultimately takes its own toll no matter what we look like and then death is the great equalizer.
At the end of the day we give these people who cause us bitterness and resentment free rent in our heads. When I am on my deathbed, I don't want to look back and say, hey I moderated drinking for 60 years and looked good doing it. I'd rather talk about the journey of my life and the people who touched my heart, inspired my mind and helped me grow... our time here is so fleeting. Our hearts and minds are what carry us into the next life or world and leave some kind of footprint behind...
I'm so glad to know you sleepie
and grateful that you're part of my journey.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,414
Originally Posted by sleepie 
LOL I do like that game as well.
My anxieties are mostly related to my appearance. There's no fixing it. I'll just never get over the brutal and daily humiliation I suffered the 1st 20 years of my life. I am never going to be comfortable with myself. And people are rude and loud mouthed and I can't take being laughed at.
My anxieties are mostly related to my appearance. There's no fixing it. I'll just never get over the brutal and daily humiliation I suffered the 1st 20 years of my life. I am never going to be comfortable with myself. And people are rude and loud mouthed and I can't take being laughed at.
those people are long-gone and you are still carrying them.
As the monk says, "put them down"
You don't have to keep believing what unkind idiots said years ago
unless you choose it--it is possible to rethink yourself.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: NSW - Australia
Posts: 14,536
But nobody is laughing at you here, we love you. It is yesterday's calendar. Must admit have become more of an misanthrope than I thought possible. Keep the faith.
The picture on my 2016 calendar is of a really long pier disappearing out into a bay in St. Kilda, Victoria. It is wooden, very old and very beautiful. Hope I don't take a running leap. At least I can swim.
The picture on my 2016 calendar is of a really long pier disappearing out into a bay in St. Kilda, Victoria. It is wooden, very old and very beautiful. Hope I don't take a running leap. At least I can swim.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 8,614
Well tomorrow is the day. Not doing too well.
I was reading about fragile x syndrome, people with nvld can have that too. I have some physical traits of it, which would explain the relentless teasing and humiliation I got about my looks all growing up. It wasn't normal "everyone gets teased" stuff. It was epic. It destroyed me. It was the most traumatizing out of all the abuse I suffered. I already decided that if I am 40 some years into an awful life only to find out I have a genetic disorder that uglified me and caused all my suffering, I am getting tested for it and doing whatever I have to in order to get plastic surgery. Because my life has been nothing short of a living hell.
I was reading about fragile x syndrome, people with nvld can have that too. I have some physical traits of it, which would explain the relentless teasing and humiliation I got about my looks all growing up. It wasn't normal "everyone gets teased" stuff. It was epic. It destroyed me. It was the most traumatizing out of all the abuse I suffered. I already decided that if I am 40 some years into an awful life only to find out I have a genetic disorder that uglified me and caused all my suffering, I am getting tested for it and doing whatever I have to in order to get plastic surgery. Because my life has been nothing short of a living hell.
Life Goes On
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
I'm so glad tomorrow is the day, Sleepie. I'm thinking/hoping that getting there will be way more than half the battle on this one.
Be good to yourself this evening. A bit of pampering is in order.
Be good to yourself this evening. A bit of pampering is in order.
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