sleepie

Can you all help me figure out if this is depression?

Because it is suddenly so different. It is so sudden I am unsure.

I was starting to think I had a medical problem because I had so little energy and just felt like even getting out of bed took more effort than I had. I have been to the doctor about 12 times this year, not exaggerating. So I have been "checked out" in about 12 different ways, I do not need to go to the doctor anymore!

I was slowly giving up, didn't even want to be awake in the day and slept as much as possible.

After my appointment on Wednesday though, a little bounce got back in my step.

Can an emotion really drag a person down so much?

I have never had the luxury of being depressed over my situation- as an abused kid growing up I was severely punished for any show of "negative" emotions. Literally beaten black and blue. So I have never "allowed" myself to be depressed because in my mind you had to "suck it up". You aren't supposed to bring people down with your negative emotions, you're supposed to smile through a beating, or get beat more. That's what I was taught.

I wasn't even allowed to have an emotion other than fake happiness or there would be holy hell to pay.

As a result I do not recognize depression, even when I am having suicidal thoughts. That's not something I am allowed to do so my brain won't even go there, I'll just slowly slip away until I am not even getting out of bed or getting dressed anymore.

It's hard for me to believe that just a simple recognition of my hardship and recent diagnosis can really make me feel like I am alive again... I mean I am actually waking up with a little energy now and some renewed interest in things. I am dealing with all the emotions and loneliness that living with an undiagnosed disability has brought to my life, but also feel kind of physically better, if that makes sense.

I mean really? Does it work that way?

Ariesagain

It certainly sounds like it. I've been through two severe episodes of clinical depression and I can't even explain how hollow and empty I felt...except for the sadness. I had plenty of that.

I think when you finally discover there's a rational, medical explanation for your misery, it IS a relief. It's not you "overreacting," or being neurotic or self-absorbed, or making stuff up (all things I heard growing up, too, BTW)...it's medical. It's a real thing. It's validating.

Now that you know, I hope you can find some relief...

Sending you a hug.

least

When I first had depression, I had no energy at all. Didn't want to do anything or go anywhere. Doctor put me on Zoloft and within three weeks I was feeling a lot better.

sleepie

I am pretty sure it is situational for me, I had a lot weighing on me. My chemistry is wired for a ton of anxiety, but not so much depression as far as a chemically based situation. I know that for some, it is that. Very situational for me though.

What I don't like is that I can slip so far and so deep into it that I won't even see huge warning signs, like not getting out of bed or having suicidal thoughts. I don't feel sad per say, just zero energy and don't want to be conscious, and no interest in anything and absolutely no ability to concentrate.

But I really won't "feel" depressed or even really identify those things. They just happen. I guess I am not good at identifying this. I mean it sounds ridiculous but I kinda fee like... do I have to ask my guy here to check in with me if he sees me slipping into this mode again? Because I am such a dullard I don't understand my own emotions?

zjw

geeze did our parents read the same book on how to be a parent boy can i relate same drill in my house!

anyhow i dunno it almost sounds like depression snuck up on you. For me thats how it went down was like i woke up one day and realized i had been in a pit an diddnt even know thats where i was.

depression and axiety like to tag team for me. I've read its pretty common to have both going at the same time or one will lead to the toher etc..

now for me I try to stay on top of it if i feel myself slipping into depression I try and talk myself up and out of it.

And yeah I think a simple thing like getting a diagnoses can really change your mood that easily and quickly. for me just a sunny day can make all the difference in the world or not even.

courage2

My depression manifested externally as a total lack of affect. In my last depression, I would drag myself to my office, which is like a cave, and stay there, unable to work playing solitaire behind closed doors - sometimes 10 hours a day. I basically only wanted to blot out thinking because it was all deeply negative. Planning suicide was like a distraction from self-hatred. I didn't feel sad and I never cried -- just black.

Sometimes I also get paranoid & agressive.

I have diagnoses but (as I was told early in AA by someone) -- I could probably get diagnosed by 5 different doctors w/10 different things.

The meds I'm on now help a lot to ease my lows and keep the rare euphorias from feeling weird. So I don't worry too much about what to call it.

courage2

PS my doctor told me early that I should give my husband his # and tell him to contact me if I got really weird -- because I wouldn't recognize it. My husband takes my mental health pretty seriously now (sometimes more seriously than I wish he would LOL) and I do ask him (reluctantly) if I'm acting weird, and I listen to him (reluctantly) when he says I'm off the beam.

Strange changes, huh?

sleepie

I know, zjw... I haven't even really ever worked through all that mess with being raised that way. I guess it's no wonder I can be swallowed whole by depression and just go on existing through the days as if it is normal and not worth noticing.

It's something how they got to us huh? I mean to be so distanced from yourself is really a sad thing. It goes to show how we weren't even allowed to see ourselves as thinking, feeling people. I don't believe that is a thing most others have to consider, I have a feeling they just do it intuitively, as they were shown growing up by example and normal nurturing.

It does sneak up on you, as you say. And anxiety being related, I never understood that before but I think I do now. Thing is I had/have a very real situation that has affected every single aspect of my life. A lot of times I think people think I simply "worry too much" or like anxiety is me making mountains over molehills. I think.... most anyone would have been anxious.

I was just getting more and more hopeless as I faced the daily and lifelong land mines that come with having a disability. I think I just fell into depression and suicidal thoughts because I couldn't take it anymore, and people thinking I was just negative or a worry wart in life just made me feel horrible, I thought I would never, ever be understood.

It's a horrible thing to live with. Thank goodness I was resourceful and persevering enough to find this doctor.

sleepie

All of this sounds familiar Courage. I have never had a job where I could shut a door, but you can imagine that feeling this way while dealing with a highly stressful, extremely busy/ low paying/deal with the public/multitask job with a learning disability, intense anxiety and depression ... was encouraging some very final thoughts. I mean it is really no wonder I crashed and burned at my last job.

And I still ain't sorry I left!

I don't think my guy has the ability or desire to pay any mind to my mental health. He is rather a "head in the sand" kind of person. Kind of thinks if you ignore a thing long enough it will go away. Obviously I am more proactive but, if I am slipping away into the ether... I need a lookout guy! He will pay for things and call it a day.

Now I have been poor enough not to be able to afford food (don't know whats worse, the humiliation or the hunger) and so I appreciate the financial help. But I would think I died and went to heaven if I found myself with an emotionally interested, supportive partner.

This has not been my experience with males.

zjw

going through what you've been trhough and are going through its like that. you take away all the BS and you'd probably find your a happy vibrant energetic person etc.. now you take that happy vibrant energetic person and you say give them a cold oh well now they are knocked down a notch or 2. Or you have someone treat them poorly well again now they are knocked down a notch or 2 not as much pep in there step in my case perhaps I have bad performance during run all because my mind is not how it should be etc..

Now you throw a lot of somethings at them all the time and they dont even know wtf they really are.

yeah treated like your not even human and in my case my mom would talk to me and such i'd open up at times but then she'd divulge this to my step father i'd jsut get beat back into submission for having "feelings" i shouldnt have had etc.. Its hard you got these dictators controlling every facet of your being telling you want to do how to do it micromange your every everything and even tell you your wrong to feel this way or that away and your punished severly for ti as well etc..

Each day i get more and mover over it (the childhood crap) I've forgiven my mother and moved on she still urks me but it is what it is. I was robbed of a good childhood. I"m like oh well whatever it stings i guess but its done and over with. I didnt get to this point over night tho. It took a long time to figure out the old "is it ok to feel sad now? " "am i right to feel angry about this?" "am i allowed to be happpy?" "can i do this activity and it will be ok and i wont get beat for it?" every little feeling and such i would question is it ok to feel like this is this normal? am i haveing a normal reaction here? no ok well whats the proper reaction to have? etc.. I was a mess I still have moments like this too.

as for my stepfather I havent seen or spoken to him in wow i bet over 20 years now. If i never see him again it'll be too soon. I dunno tho if he showed up at my door step what would i do? Flip out in a fit of rage or tell him I forgive you now get out? I dunno. I think i'm too good natured to blow a gasket at him and stoop to his level no matter how much I might want too. But I'm not above sending him packen.

Callie

Hi! I just started reading "the mood cure". Tons of info in there as far as lack of energy, depression, addictions, imbalances. You may check it out. I'm just starting it, but the premise thus far is that MUCH of depression, lack of energy, drive, motivation can be corrected with diet and supplements.

sleepie

That's the truth. After awhile you don't even know. Well as usual much of your posts resonates with me zjw. I winder did you have to work at it to recognize your feelings? Or did time heal all?

zjw

Both really. It was very confusing for me. I still struggle to handle various things properly something simple like how to raise up a kid forget it I know all the wrong things to do and none of the right hting s to do but I got 6 happy kids now so I must be doing something right but its taken a while to figure this out.

Lucky for me I obsess over eveyrhting and over analyze everythign so I've given the BS in my head a lot of thought i mean a LOT of thought lol. I think I got a lot of it worked out.

My best advice is to take it slow do what you can when you can it doesnt all happen overnight and just be happy with that. I was in a big hurry myself but the whole take it slow thing just kept smacking me upside the head sooner or later i started to listen.

not drinking helps too you can have a clearer head to tackle this stuff it goes a long way.

I dunno you've taken a lot of steps at improving your life and as you head down the path it just gets easier I think anyhow. more and more starts to unfold and make sense. Like you said the other day you feel like you've had like that aha kinda moment. More and more you feel like you've turned another cornder finished another chapter crossed another milestone figured out another puzzle.

Eventually a lot of the crap in the past gets sorted out and left there or I guess some people dont even bother they just leave it there. BUt I dunno for me i had to sort some of it out.

It was a big deal when i realized gee my stepfather was alcoholic.. I never put 2 and 2 together till i got sober.

sleepie

For sure things are moving along now.

A little disappointed, tried telling bf how I was feeling these past few weeks and he just got mad. I am sad and confused, I think I will always have that huge void where someone who cares is supposed to be, for most I suppose this is where family would come in. I dunno. I mean as a kid even I was just never paid attention to even when I quit eating for a year. Just... nobody cared. Unless it was to be yelled at and hit, then I was paid attention. I mean shoot my parents didn't even see to my disorder, just ignored caring for me in any way except basic needs-food and shelter and we were supposed to be eternally grateful for that.


Maybe I just don't have what it takes to connect with a warm, caring kind of person. Or maybe it is the male factor. I connected more deeply with the females I dated in the past. I don't know, how someone can be nice but cold at the same time. I am definitely not smart enough to figure that one out.

zjw

ever wonder if your just incapable of feeling loved? thats one I've started to wonder myself. peopel can love me all day long I just struggle to feel it. as if i turned that vulnerable feeling off. For example if i truely felt loved i'd now be very vulnerable I'll have lowered my guard and finally felt nice with someone and thought its ok now and i'll be in a very vulnerable spot emotionally and physically.

I think for me I might have developed this as a result of my upbringing. I never wanted to accept the loving gesture a parent might offer because fro all i know 5 minutes later I might be getting a fist to the face that I totally didnt expect because I just thought 5 min prior "they love me ::how nice and lowered my guard::"

Just something to think about maybe. In my case I'm not sure how to get past it. after I got sober I became even more guarded of my emotions.

Aellyce

I had a very nasty depressive episode about 3 years ago that I did not recognize for what it was for a while. Just kept blaming myself for lack of motivation and discipline for a good while until I got so deep in it that there was no way of denying.

I think many of us are conditioned throughout our lives to refuse accepting and/or showing vulnerability. We then often turn our aggression against ourselves (becoming frustrated about our own features) or look for validation of the frustration externally. Sometimes this validation comes in the form of people and relationships that we keep choosing and that fail to satisfy our emotional needs just like those childhood figures and experiences. These situations can disappoint us and induce or contribute to despair and more efforts to fill that void with whatever is available in the moment.

Sleepie, from an internal point of view you may not recognize all the recent progress and improvement on your life because you are so used to focusing on what is wrong and because your anxiety always provides an underlying current for doubting yourself. It's no small deal to give up drinking, benzos, and keep seeking help the way you are. We all have our personal issues that we are uncomfortable with and maybe resentful about. Well, I certainly do. It can be very had to make peace with them and move beyond especially if we are often reminded of them in ongoing experiences because we put our focus on those areas we perceive as "defective" and seek out people that validate them for us, not necessarily because they want to help but because finding flaws in others is often less uncomfortable than accepting them in ourselves and may serve as a momentary remedy.

sleepie

I truly feel like all I do is accept my flaws. My whole life. I mean I never get a day or time where I just live normally. Like now, well I was so stressed out yesterday that trichotillomania reared it's head again. I have dealt with this for over 25 years now and it destroys me. Well it's to late but I realize when I am invalidated that's one of the things that happens. It's hard going through life never comfortable with yourself and deeply ashamed because you have bald spots all over your head. It has shaped much of my life and no one understands it or how painful it is. Now I am back to square one of feeling crushed again. I don't know what to do. A person can only take so much. And it is good that I am finally figuring things out for myself but you know... having your suspected learning disability confirmed is a pretty heavy deal? This is a lot for me to take in and I don't actually know how to handle it. One minute I want to laugh the next, cry. I have nobody to talk to in life about any of it and bf just shut me down and now I just feel horrible. It's a lot to take in, it's a waaaaayy lot for me to handle and I don't have what it takes mentally for all this, this is a sensitive subject and it has shaped my whole, entire life down to the core and it's very difficult to be "ok" with having not only abusive maniacs who raised me but then this ld situation too, I mean how much can a person take, these things shape a person, it's like I don't even know who I am and I have to suck that up, alone, I cannot explain that I have had a lifetime of hurt and this is just the cherry on top... I just feel awful is all and I have had a lifetime of invalidation , just a lifetime. And it's not all in my head, and now I know why this happens to me... and I don't exist- not according to the DSM-V so that's just supporting this feeling of me being non-being, someone who doesn't count, doesn't matter, has no feelings less than human.

courage2

Believe me, sleepie, my partner isn't emotionally warm, and 95% of his attention to my problems w/alcohol & mental stability are due to the fact that I'm the breadwinner & in many ways the anchor to the world between the two of us. He quite literally can't afford for me to kill myself.

I have serious attachment problems. I have my husband, my son who lives on another continent, a couple of feeble rare talks with "I knew you before we crashed" sorts of people, siblings I see once a year, and you guys. Do I choose people who have problems with love and emotion, or is it me? It's both.

For a long time after I quit using, really until very recently, I was stuck in a mental pattern of seeking bad feelings because they seem to be the only things I respond to viscerally. I didn't feel adequate unless I was in an agitated state, & one that was negative or shame-filled. I had to take strong steps to stop that pattern.

I wasn't ready to do that at 100 days or 500 days. There's a lot of doubt and confusion to get through first.

From personal experience, I suggest you try, every day as much as you can, to make time to focus on something that gives you a sense of safety and peace. Cultivate that and you may find joy. Cultivate joy and you may reconcile yourself to all the other things.

sleepie

I am doing things at my own pace here and none of this is easy to handle mentally or emotionally. I am only human I can only take so much.

I am doing the best I can... but still not good enough for some.

This is all new territory for me... and very alienating.

I think I have come pretty far since quitting the benzos and booze. If my threads upset anyone, please feel free to put me on ignore.

Another day, I might have drank over this or just popped a few benzos and let it all drift away...

What doe sit feel like to have had a traumatic life, many years of addiction, begin to beat addiction, then learn you have a learning disability...?

it's not easy.

So, no pink cloud yet. Sorry guys, I gotta be me. I have rarely been allowed that in my life and I suspect some portion of my alcoholism can be attributed directly to that... all my weird mannerisms as a kid due to undiagnosed learning disability and tic disorder beaten out of me etc... And I thank those of you who support me and listen to me, and got me this far- not despite me being who I am but because of it.

sleepie

Aellyce I have to admit I need to read a few times your input... it takes a minute to stick! Ok so I am trying to digest all that.

Courage I am so glad you have been visiting my threads. Doubt and confusion are so much there... being diagnosed with an ld can make one doubt their very validity as a human being... being ld will can make others treat you as if your experiences just might be invalid... quite a cycle.