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1 year sober. Wife still wont talk to me

Old 04-02-2016, 09:36 AM
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1 year sober. Wife still wont talk to me

Hi all! Celebrated 1 year sober on March 20th. Was home alone like always. I have done this on my own for the most part. Went to 1 AA meeting and 9 rehab meetings in the beginning. Quit rehab because of working late every night at work.. Anyway its been surprisingly easy. Had a hard time sleeping in the beginning. Got over it with some melatin once in a while.. Here is why I'm posting. My wife left on August 1st 2015. She wont respond to my letters, emails, calls, and texts. She told me I had to show "acts of selflessness" for her to come back and that it was up to me for her to come back. I really am selfless right now and have offered help to get her car inspected, pay for health insurance that she has since cancelled, etc... I offer and get no response. Should I move on? Should I wait for her? I pray every day that she will come back. But people need love don't they? She left and started a new life and I get stuck with all the memories and physical items in the home we created. Has anyone else had luck with their spouse coming back after separation? I know the odds are in the toilet for any separation to end with the spouses to re-connect. The loneliness is the part that is literally killing me, not the withdrawal from alcohol..
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Old 04-02-2016, 09:57 AM
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Hi Tranklin .

Unfortunately these things can happen , what you need to ask yourself is ''what did I get sober for ?' some people stop drinking hoping to heal a relationship, but the secret in stopping drinking and being able to ''stay stopped '',
is first and foremost stop drinking to ''help yourself '' .

Perhaps your wife may need more time she may have listened to countless promises in the past and right now is a bit unsure or maybe afraid to ''trust you '' , fact is stay sober for yourself and hard as it is ,'' just love from a distance for now '' and if things are meant to be it will work out for you both .

Loneliness is another thing , you could join a gym or take up a hobby or dare I say go to a meeting of your own choice and meet up with others that are helping each other to stay sober because for one you will get good company and some fellowship and you wont feel so alone .

Incidentally well done on you staying sober for one year fantastic especially doing it on your own which is much harder . Hope things work out for you , take care .

Regards Stevie recovered 12 03 2006
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Old 04-02-2016, 10:04 AM
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All I can really say is, love her unconditionally anyways. No matter what. All you can do is work on your end of things.
And what that means is continuing to take care of yourself, working on your sobriety, and loving yourself no matter what happens. It's hard to let go of expectations. But selflessness means growing to accept that you have to be patient and let her find her own way to happiness, with or without you. You cannot undo the past, but you can give 'it' away with love and kindness and expecting nothing in return.
If there is no condition or expiration on your love for her, I think you're on the right path. Keep working on yourself and when you do reach out to her remember to tell her you love her and hope for happiness for her.
At the end of the day we can't give away to others what we don't have for ourselves.

Have you talked to a sponsor about amends, or a counselor on how to deal with this?
Stay strong my friend. I wish you peace and happiness and good job so far in your journey.
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Old 04-02-2016, 10:04 AM
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good job on the 1 year.

I dunno if the saying "sometimes when things leave our lives we shouldnt chase after them" applys here or not? The reason I say this is based on what your saying it seems shes being disrespectful to you at this point by keeping you in limbo her act of leaving and behaving like she is now is selfish as well. Keep in mind i'm going on what little i know here. But you are still married she could at least respond to your messages once in a while she should S*** or get off the pot and vice versa. Sounds like you've dont a good job at moveing forward and getting sobered up. Maybe you'll just have to keep moving forward just without her is all as crappy as that may be.
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Old 04-02-2016, 10:17 AM
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Nobody here will know whether you should move on or not...

What I tell the guys I sponsor when they're faced with an issue like this is to start praying for some inspiration and then to act upon it.

As far as praying that she comes back.......well.......that's not a selfless act (at least in my experience). I'm not throwing stones here. Hell, I did the same thing when I was getting divorced.

After several inventories I learned that what I was doing was, once again, deciding what she had to do to make me happy. Was I being selfless and praying she is the most happy and content she can be......even if it means she needs to go somewhere else? Nope, I was praying she'd come back and make ME happy.

When I'd offer to split my 401k, when I offered to take on all the debts, when I let her have her pick of items from the house was I doing it because I wanted her to enjoy her life going forward? No, not really. I was doing those things so I could impress her and make her think she needed me and would be better off with me than without me.

As I got more and more clarity about my true motives I came to the conclusion I wasn't really any different than when I was drinking. Same selfish motives, same looking-out-for-#1 first, same desire to make the world behave as I wanted them for my benefit. Looking at it another way and using some AA terminology, I had made HER my High Power. She was what I needed to be ok. She was the thing that gave my life purpose and meaning. She was what I thought about all day and essentially worshiped. She was what and who I was dependent upon. And true to form, I just knew I was the one to figure it out and concoct a "fix" to make me feel better. As a mentor of mine told me, "Mike, with a Higher Power like that.......no wonder your life's a mess."

Staying physically sober didn't make any of that stuff stop. If anything, it gave me more awake-time to think about it more.....and I felt worse and worse. In AA we talk about the inability to live life sober. Looked at another way, to me it has meant that when I'm sober and running my life as I have been; full of dependencies, needing x, y and z for me to be ok, thinking I know what's best for other people, unable to cope with loneliness, unable to handle the common bouts of depression that pop into my life from time to time, and so on.......well, I just don't do a very good job. Now, I thought I could do a good job but when I got honest with myself.......the scorecard sure didn't support my beliefs.

IMO, stuff like this above....these are the roots of my alcoholism - these are the causes and conditions that lead to me picking up a drink even when I don't want to pick up a drink. Or......they lead me to buy stuff I have no business wasting money on......eating food when I'm not really hungry......not doing the daily chores in my life that I want to get accomplished but I don't accomplish because I feel bad and think I need to do something to feel good - even when that thing I do to feel good ultimately does me more harm than I can imagine.

I think you're onto something big here Tranklin but it's a lot bigger than just knowing if she's going to come back or not. Bigger than knowing what the odd are. Bigger than getting what you want or think you need. Like it was for me, I think it's a great opportunity to do some introspection and some growing like I had to do and still have to do.

I wish you all my best. It was a painful but wonderful learning opportunity for me.
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Old 04-02-2016, 10:29 AM
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Originally Posted by Tranklin View Post
Should I move on?
Moving on is what I'd be doing, or at least planning on. For me I wouldn't want to deal with the resentments that would be bound to linger after such a long seperation. I would be wanting to reap the benefits of my sobriety. And it my wife doesn't want to share it with me, I'd do it alone. I deserve that much.

That's me.

Do what your heart tells you.
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Old 04-02-2016, 01:20 PM
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Well, if she won't even respond, maybe you should consider
making things legal in terms of moving on.
I'm with Carl-- if things do sort out between you two, you can always remarry,
rekindle the relationship, but if things are too far over to fix,
you won't be spending another year waiting with no response.
A year is a very reasonable time of sobriety to at least get a response to an email.

I also think Day Trader makes some excellent points--
maybe we addicts expect things to be our way a bit too much and she's not buying that any longer.
Or maybe she's just had enough but not able to articulate or acknowledge it.
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Old 04-02-2016, 01:23 PM
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Maybe the wife has met someone else?
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Old 04-02-2016, 01:43 PM
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All valid points. I should have taken the hint when she finally cancelled my health insurance after I offered to pay my share of it. Maybe she has found someone else. That would explain why she kept her address secret. I really dont want to initiate divorce, if she wants it she can do it. I guess time will tell. I'm gonna keep being nice and keep positive thoughts..
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Old 04-02-2016, 02:45 PM
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"The addict is like a tornado running through the lives of others. This is part of the illness."

"...alcoholics and drug addicts are continuously overcome by a near absence of awareness regarding their actions and their subsequent influence on those around them."

The enormity of what I see as a very common blind spot in both active and recovering alcoholics and addicts is startling.

Addiction Linked To Lack Of Social Awareness: New Study Claims Volunteering Best Way To Tackle The Growing Menace
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Old 04-02-2016, 02:57 PM
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She obviously still needs her space and although it's hard, let her go. We're powerless over outcomes and staying sober involves accepting others as they are. A very big congratulations on staying sober!
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Old 04-02-2016, 09:09 PM
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Move on, friend, and stay sober. A year is long enough to wait. Her lack of respect for you at this point is appalling. Don't be a doormat.
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Old 04-02-2016, 11:04 PM
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Sometimes people who stay with addicts find their place as "the martyr"
When the addict gains some control of their own life..and the martyr loses their martyrdom and their control over the addict (usually this is emotional control as the addict feels bad about what they have done), they sometimes try to get control back in other ways.
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Old 04-03-2016, 12:52 AM
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Lein, you caught that huh? I love dogs. "Women are like wars, there's always another one coming along" SGT. Schultz

Tranklin is having some trouble because his wife has abandoned him and will not communicate for months. I have a fair amount of experience in this area- go figure. When things get to that point it best to move on. She may come back but waiting and pining for her is going to do a lot of damage. It will not help get her back.
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Old 04-03-2016, 12:59 AM
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Well from my experience (Im a woman, and suffer from alcoholism) although partners complain a hell of a lot about the drinking and problems, I think some do secretly enjoy being the "good" one and the power it has over someone grovelling over the things they do drunk.
I think its hard for some partners to move on to a more equal relationship, once the addict is in recovery. So some will still try to find a way to "control" emotionally. That's my experience anyway..and men do it as well as women :P
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Old 04-03-2016, 01:05 AM
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I just want to say congratulations Tranklin....one year sober is wonderful!

I guess I can only come from my own experience, and that is that if we try and try to reach out, and our loved one won't reply....yes, maybe it is time to move on. I know it is painful, but I know for me it was essential.

Wishing you the very best, which you deserve.
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Old 04-03-2016, 01:26 AM
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Originally Posted by chrcarlson View Post
Lein, you caught that huh? I love dogs. "Women are like wars, there's always another one coming along" SGT. Schultz

Tranklin is having some trouble because his wife has abandoned him and will not communicate for months. I have a fair amount of experience in this area- go figure. When things get to that point it best to move on. She may come back but waiting and pining for her is going to do a lot of damage. It will not help get her back.
Yes I agree, I meant to say in last post, but somehow managed to delete that bit. Pining is no good, if anything would encourage her to some back it would be to see you Tranklin, get on with your own life.
I was banging on about the control aspect due to her saying about you doing acts of selflessness
The reason I say this is. Before I started drinking I had a boyfriend I lived with with alcoholism, but when I said we were finished, I meant it and didn't put conditions like "If you do, this, that, the other I will come back" Its her choice. You have stopped drinking a while now, if she came back, it should be with a fresh start and not one person dictating what the other has to do to "prove " themselves..just what I think anyway
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Old 04-03-2016, 10:46 AM
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Originally Posted by Hawkeye13 View Post
Well, if she won't even respond, maybe you should consider
making things legal in terms of moving on.
I'm with Carl-- if things do sort out between you two, you can always remarry,
rekindle the relationship, but if things are too far over to fix,
you won't be spending another year waiting with no response.
A year is a very reasonable time of sobriety to at least get a response to an email.

I also think Day Trader makes some excellent points--
maybe we addicts expect things to be our way a bit too much and she's not buying that any longer.
Or maybe she's just had enough but not able to articulate or acknowledge it.
I agree.
As the former alcoholic Dumpee.
I had to fake it til I made (maked?)it, but came to terms with my husband wanting out. I agreed with him about splitting up and started working on myself and just being friendly to him.
We're back together now and so far so good. I just keep working on me.
Worse case scenario, I know I can find happiness and fulfillment alone.
HTH
Holly.🎋
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Old 04-05-2016, 01:46 PM
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Something to consider: the loved ones of alcoholics are often not well themselves. Sounds like you made a lot of efforts and she probably knows you are/were interested in being back together. It is her prerogative. Keep taking care of yourself and it will work out the way it is supposed to.

Congrats on your sobriety!!!
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Old 04-05-2016, 02:13 PM
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Originally Posted by Adillac View Post
Something to consider: the loved ones of alcoholics are often not well themselves. Sounds like you made a lot of efforts and she probably knows you are/were interested in being back together. It is her prerogative. Keep taking care of yourself and it will work out the way it is supposed to.

Congrats on your sobriety!!!
Thanks! She knows. I have wrote a few letters. It just sucks not knowing.
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