charx53

That was a big step, but then for seemingly no reason..I went on break during work and got five nips two hours before my shift ended. I took a long break as I gulped them down and chain puffed on some cigarettes. Afterwards, I popped some gum in my mouth and went on to do the rest of the nights duties as if I was sober. Then I did this again the next night. And now I have the urge to do it again tonight. I don't know how to stop this cycle. The consequences of getting caught arent worth it but getting away with it after all this time makes it just that much easier. I could get fired, pulled over on my way home from work, or hurt someone by driving. Nothing is wrong but yet I still just want to do it. But I don't. My mind won't cooperate with itself and the craving, despite my medication, is there and more powerful than ever.

How to not give in...

Coldfusion

It's when we realize we've dug ourselves in too deep that we finally stop shoveling and start climbing.

I hope things get better for you.

Bunny211

Have you checked out an AA meeting? I highly suggest you hit one tonight and be honest....say just what you have written here. After the meeting stay and talk to some people....ask for help. You won't stop drinking until you want to stay sober MORE than you want to drink. Hats off to you.

least

PLEASE don't drink and then drive. The consequences can be so terrible.

2muchpain

It's one thing to stop drinking. It's a whole nuther thing to stay stopped. You didn't mention if you have any support. Doing it on my own and depending on willpower helped in the beginning, but I needed more to stay stopped. SR, family, friends, AA, building a sober life, therapy, etc., are all helpful in the long term. Try to come up with a support plan that you can count on when things get tough, and they will. Of course, there's always inpatient or outpatient treatment is you have access to it.
Don't sell yourself short on those days. That's a big deal. Just sounds like you need to add on to whatever you've been doing to make sobriety stick. Good Luck. John

Obladi

charx, the way to stop the cycle is to do something different. I know the pull is strong, but it's going to take literally replacing the one thing with another, I think. Can you plan instead to go get something delicious to eat on break? Can you go for an incredibly brisk walk that takes up your whole break time? I'm shooting in the dark because I don't know you, but you get the drift.

Once you do it just once (today!) you've broken the pattern and are on your way to establishing a new one.

Naturally that's not the sum of it, but I do believe that if we start with something and keep adding, we will eventually get to where we need to be.

DayTrader

Your story parallels exactly with something in the AA book. In this section Bill W. was writing about how many alkies pass through a time in their drinking where even the most powerful desire to stop doesn't keep them stopped:

The fact is that most alcoholics, for reasons yet obscure, have lost the power of choice in drink. Our socalled will power becomes practically nonexistent. We are unable, at certain times, to bring into our consciousness with sufficient force the memory of the suffering and humiliation of even a week or a month ago. We are without defense against the first drink.

From what I've experienced myself and what I've seen others experience, you've got 3 options: 1. Find a way to consistently summon up enough will power to stay stopped. 2. Keep drinking. 3. Discover you can't stop.

If #1 works, AND you can find a way to not drink and be happy.... you're all set. I could "not drink" for a while but I wasn't ever what I'd call "happy" about it. Usually what I'd feel was a constant reminder of why I wanted to go drink again.

If #2 works, then problem solved... I couldn't ever find a way to drink (the way I wanted to drink) and not suffer horrible consequences.

#3 may seem similar to #2 but it's the hallmark of what I've learned from taking an honest assessment of my history. In and of itself, this admission wasn't even close to enough to keep me sober........and happily sober. What it did was start me down a path where I started to get honest with myself and others about myself.

Best of luck in your study/search of what will work for you.

PS - I'll never forget THE first thing I really learned about getting sober. It came from someone I never would have suspected could deliver such a vital message to me. It wasn't something I wanted to hear. It also didn't particularly make me feel good but I've come to recognize it as one of the most truthful things I could have learned early on -- "Mike, there's a difference between being sober and being in recovery. For you, it sounds like being sober isn't enough. It sounds like you're going to have to try recovery."

Dee74

Something definitely is wrong Charx.
You've convinced yourself you can't stop, which is nonsense.

If you literally cannot stop yourself from pouring those shots and drinking them, it's time to get serious - you can go to AA or some other recovery group, you can go back and see your Doctor or an alcohol counsellor, you can checkout out outpatient or even inpatient rehab...

you can post here more too - why not post here instead of those nips?

But do something - you're not a victim here - just because you feel the urge to drink, you don't have to. You can make a different choice

D

Soberwolf

You can do it again

waynetheking

When the pain exceeds the pleasure you will quit drinking.
Getting behind the wheel and killing someone is senseless. Think about others.

Ananda

I have been in this position many times. The things I've learned are:
1. Do what worked before to help.
2. Do something new that might help (takes some thought).

This is about not doing the same thing over and over that didn't work before. Sometimes it's about adding something new, sometimes about subtracting something old that never really helps. I use AA for the "social" aspect to meet others who are sober, but not the steps and stuff cause it did not work for me (although it did for many of my good and sober friends). For some Religion helps, for others it hurts ...

Add something new that might help!

It sounds like you might be a bit like me.... Consequences to me and others simply doesn't seem to "motivate" change in me... only guilt and self hatred. However HOPE makes a huge difference in my ability to make the change and give it time!

It isn't the fear and guilt about drunk driving and hurting myself and others, the financial consequences that allows me the space to not take those "few nips" out of a bottle (in fact it stupidly leads me to drink). It is the hope that I have. My belief that it is possible that the bottle won't own me and that I might turn my life around. That I may find a way to no longer have to do what everyone else wants me to do and start living by my own values and have fun too!

There is hope for you. Please grab it and nurture it. I will be thinking of you because with this post you have encouraged me to continue on my journey of sobriety.

Thank you.