What's still wrong with me?
 

Almost 3 weeks of sobriety, downed about a 1.75 litre of vodka in less than four days and drank everyday for the last 3 and a half years. I felt terrible the first week, then the next week got better and it and it was actually a somewhat liberating experience , but now I'm back to feeling like crap again......the doc still has me on librium and paxil, any suggestions on why I still feel like crap and unhappy? The really bad cravings don't help as well, it's all I still think about is alcohol, I want it so bad but I know now that it's taboo (I just pray to god I don't relapse, I don't want to experience this again, but there's always that little voice in my head repeating day after day).

You will have good days and bad in early recovery. Thats one reason behind the one day at a time. When we stop using some issues that we medicated can come up. It is sometimes hard to identify feelings. Go to your meetings and pray, and keep yourself busy doing productive things if you can. But give yourself a big pat on the back!

Congratulations on three weeks! If you can do it for 21 days, you can do it for one more collection of 24 hours. And that's all you need to do. When you say "I still feel like crap" are you talking about physically or spiritually? If you are feeling physically ill, go see your doctor and tell him/her. You have put your body through a tremendous amount of physical abuse.
If on the other hand, you are spiritually hurting, talk to somebody. What's got you feeling down? My experience is that specific things that make me feel like crap don't hold up well when I drag them out into the bright light. They need the company of other bad feelings to have any real power.

One thing I learned is that when I feel like crap, I feel like crap. So? Nobody ever told me that recovery was going to be magic or instant or easy. The hard part was learning to sit with the crappy feelings without picking up. As a very wise woman taught me "No matter what happens, your head WILL NOT explode and you WILL NOT fall off the face of the earth." To that I'd add "When you get to bed at night and the bed is not spinning, you just had a good day." No matter what else happened, if you didn't pick up you had a good day.

Jah Bless