Fitcher

....gives you the impression that they really don't want you to stop drinking? Or to not improve or grow? Have you felt like your partner/spouse likes you better pickled and sleeping in a chair so they're free to pursue God-knows-what on the internet all evening and weekend?

That's what I'm facing now. In fact, I'm fairly certain that is exactly why I resumed drinking after more than a year of sobriety. I'm a calm, mellow drunk who happens to make a lot of money. As long as the paycheck is still coming in, why change anything, right?

Anyway, I'm sober again, and back on my path of healing and growth. If she doesn't want to come along with me this time, I'm continuing solo. The next 365 days will be interesting...

Thanks for reading.

advbike

Yes, my ex gf didn't really think I had a problem, and was a daily drinker, so unfortunately I had to continue my journey by myself. I simply couldn't take her drinking in front of me every night, and she wasn't interested in quitting.

Soberwolf

Staying sober depends on 1 person - the person who is staying sober

Have you got a plan or following a recovery programme

Obladi

Yes, I had a boyfriend who seemed to prefer it when I drank. I'm quite certain he was up to "God-knows-what."

Fitcher

True dat. And part of that is being willing and able to make the required tough decisions involving ridding your life of negative influences and energies that are keeping you from growing.

That's an integral part of my plan, actually...

Autumnlover19

Yes, plus if you stay drunk, everything can be blamed on you and not the fact that they are a complete a**hole as well (usually with their own drinking or drug problem, which they are in denial about).

Soberwolf

Completely agree good stuff Fitcher

aasharon90

With help from fellow recovery members,
knowledge about addiction, a program of
recovery to learn and incorporate in all areas
of your life, you can live a healthier, happier,
honest life with out the fog.

Let the sunshine brighten you day each
day you remain sober along with the fellowship
within recovery that understand exactly
what you are going thru and where you
are coming from.

Support is always available to you
you 24/7 here in SR and your recovery
meetings near your home.

This is your recovery to embrace,
protect, appreciate to insure a healthy,
happy, honest life for many one
days sober ahead of you.

What an AWESOME GIFT to give
yourself where NO ONE can touch
it or take it away.

It's all yours.

Obladi

Fitcher,

I just want to supplement my earlier acknowledgement/recognition by saying that paying attention to you and your health must take precedence over "God-knows-what." It might feel more comfortable to continue in the fog, but for me - it sucked the very life out of me.

Regardless of how tough things are now, they are miles easier having confronted that business with the boyfriend.

I'm glad you're sober now and think you are on the right course for those "interesting" times ahead.

zjw

i had this issue and do still have this issue to some degree. My wife has often stated since i sobered up that i'm not hte man she married. This is a good and bad statement really. Sure the improvements are great and all but this isnt the person she married. Shes had to figure out how to adjust to me. and I think there was some of the ole welp he's drunk i can do wtvr he wont care or notice etc.. I think she liked the me who would just sit down and drink it off rather then flip out once in a while etc.. I can only handle so much and i need to calm my nerves back down somehow. I was not like this before. Before i was a calm laid back mellow person and just drank my frustrations away. shes not use to this is all. But shes gotten more used to it in my case just takes time.

alcoholics wife

I met my AH 8 years ago. At the beginning I still pursued a relationship with him despite his drinking everyday. Back then his drinking never phased me. I worked, he worked. I have my own income that I choose to spend on whatever I want and he has his own income to do the same. His drinking never got in the way of our lifestyle as most of the time he is functioning and we would just have a good time. His drinking really started to be an issue until a couple years ago (about 6 years into our relationship) where I find myself with a different path in life as I am maturing positively as an individual and he is not. Where I've managed to become debt free, save money, climb up in my career and look into a future of buying a home and having kids. He is still in debt, and spending the little money he has on booze. (We have different bank accounts which now looking back, thank god although I've helped him out a lot with things like going back to school etc). As my life now is looking positive, I want a man who is strong, stable, mature and I realized that his addiction will not allow him to become the man I need him to be. Now I need him to change his life around, or I will leave and find that strong, capable man who isn't weakened by addiction.

SoberinSyracuse

Agreed. And it sounds from your original post like you have a lot of clarity on the situation.

In a different thread yesterday (my "daily journal" thread) I mentioned that it's an unfortunate fact of life that not everybody wants to see us win. Sometimes people we'd expect be in our corner -- loved ones, health care providers, other people in recovery, even our spouses sometimes.

We gotta just recognize those people and their messages so they don't drag us down.

As long as we make good, strong decisions for ourselves and stick to them, we'll be okay. So, congrats on making a good decision. You'll be happier, healthier, wealthier, and wiser for it!

Fitcher

Yeah, that reality is becoming clearer to me. I have a lot of people in my life who have enjoyed seeing me as the luvable lush with the open wallet, only to disappear again when the party's over.

The reality of striking out on my own after 20 years together is just a little daunting however. But....courage, sobriety and clarity light the way forward. Fear, addiction and hesitancy lead back to the Glass Prison.

Onward...

zjw

yeah i can think of a few i know who are sitting on the sidelines i swear just waiting for me to fall. To me that just motivates me all the more not too.

Like from lost "dont tell me what i cant do!"

its a shame too some of these folks you'd think would be estatic to see me sucede but its almost worse now I think they liked me more fat and drunk and smoken like chimney i gave them lots of ammo to beat me up about and keep me down and leverage there own egos with etc...Now without something to beat on me over i guess i'm of no use to them anymore oh well.

I do like tho how its allowed the truth to come out its allowed me to see people for what they are and such and find out who my real friends are etc..

and i wont lie at one point in time these folks acceptance meant a lot to me I had to quit letting it mean crap to me or else i'd probably still be drinking! cuase i'd be trying to please them and be unable to do so.

Its about MY sobriety MY health and MY sanity FIRST the rest comes after that.

NYCDoglvr

What you're describing is a codependent. Sometimes they do better with active drunks who they can feel superior to. Great you're sober again!

Soberpotamus

He wanted me to stop drinking. The problem was that he had no idea who I was sober. I barely knew myself or who I'd become by that point. We both had to adjust to me being 'without alcohol' for a while... until I grew into someone who is now happily sober. It's been challenging. The journey is ... interesting at times, lol. I have wanted to divorce him at times. We've argued and disagreed. But we are still hanging in there. We married right before I got sober, less than five years ago. I'm not sure what the future holds for us, but I feel confident I can face anything.

Berrybean

My partner wasn't keen at all, and still has his moments a couple of years into my sobriety. For the first years he seemed pretty convinced that the sobriety me would leave him. He's also missed having an instant drinking buddy always on hand, and therefore being solely responsible for his own drinking. As his fear about me leaving subsided he can now appreciate the positive sides to me being sober, but he still has moments. If he got really narky about it early on I'd remind him that his drinking was HIS business, and my sobriety was MY business. I swear that he imagined AA as some kind of drunkards dating pool (although I remind him that people go to AA to be sober, he still can't imagine a sober alcoholic other than me haha).

Oh well. I suppose it is a bit of a shock when someone you've lived with for a while suddenly changes as much as we can do when we get sober. Plus, I think my first month sober saw me fairly insane at times as I didn't reach out for support until I'd been sober a month. I was going fairly nuts, so I wasn't giving a great taster of living with the sober me. Actually the more I think about it the more I can see he must have felt like he was living with a stranger. Not comfortable at all. )

ItsViolet

Oh yes absolutely. It's been a bit of a struggle for my partner to accept my sobriety and, at times, other healthy choices as well. We've been off again on again (mostly on) for almost four years. Disagreements over lifestyle have always been the catalyst for our breakups--I've been through many phases of success and failure with alcohol and other issues, while for himself he has little to no interest in change/personal development, so there's this clash.

Now though he's gradually coming around to entertain the idea that sobriety might be good for me, but it takes a LONG time with him and I don't think the process is over. He says he's proud of me for making it this far, which I never expected to hear, yet he also says he doesn't really believe I'm an alcoholic and he can be very disparaging toward the AA program. He's a heavy drinker who is not interested in recovery at this point so maybe he just wants to deny the problem.

I try to not let it get to me, but it can be concerning. It seems though that the clearer it becomes to him that I really want sobriety and that I'm striving to make it happen no matter what, he just kinda backs off and lets me do my thing for the most part.

Whodathunk

My wife in the beginning told me she did not think I was an alcoholic. Well, I took it that she knew she drank too much and just wanted me to be on her level. Once she saw what my relapse looked like, she no longer questioned it. She fully supported me thereafter. If you can call continuing to drink in front of me support......but her drinking around me does not tempt me or bother me. I don't want my not drinking to alter others lives. If my not drinking helps others to see who they are, fine. If not, fine.

I used to be where my wife is now, able to drink that much and stop. But like we seem to all discover, a moment in time occurred when for whatever reason, I stopped being able to stop. I worry this might happen to her as well, but she will not hear it. And her side of the street is not my side of the street.