behindblueyes

I came into alcoholism when I got severely depressed after watching a homicide. I live in a great neighborhood and have always been raised right. I was shopping at a tiny mini mart. No alcohol involved. I walked outside and there were two men fighting at a bar that is the only bar in town known for trouble. 6pm. Sun shining. Summer day.

One punched another and I never even saw it until my ex mentioned it. He laughed about it but I was in law enforcement at the time and knew it was bad. The one knocked the other to the ground and he hit his head. I saw it and it was ugly.

Being law enforcement, I had to run over. Not really by choice but I tried everything to save this guy. I actually had one hand on 911 with a phone and the other with a knee and elbow in his ribs (rolled over) because he was pouring blood. My ex did nothing but stand and cry. The guy died. I went through about 10 court cases explaining how I tried to save this guys life, testified against the guy who "killed" him, had to move, was threatened, and I drank A LOT in those days.

This was 5 years ago.

I have been proud of my sobriety. This man didn't deserve to fall and hit his head from a fight and die in my arms. However, I walked out of work today and it is Good Friday. I went to a restaurant to get food. I drive for a living and see accidents all the time. However, I was off at noon and the second I walked into a restaurant people were staring outside. I looked and a man was lying in the middle of the road. I ran out again and he was basically dead. Police were showing up and asking for peoples sweaters and coats because paramedics were taking so long and he had no pulse.

Meanwhile, I was purple in the fingers and shaking because there was blood everywhere and it reminded me of the first time. One officer said I was close to going into shock and he asked if I needed attention. I had no feeling in my hands and they were blue. I have had panic attacks all my life but this was different. I went back into the restaurant on that same street and ordered a beer. I have been drinking ever since that hour. I was asked to collect all sweatshirts I could find and I did and I ran them over to the officers, I saw the man lying there and knew he had no chance.

I guess my question is how many people see someone die traumatically before age 30? How do people deal with it? I know I cant. I am not cut out for EMT, law enforcement, I am CPR certified but I am so sensitive to everything. What is my problem?

Delizadee

I think you are human. Have you talked to a grief or crisis counselor about this? I know the area I have lived in for the past decade relies heavily on volunteer first responders and firefighters. I witnessed a very bad head on collision between a drunk driver and young family. It was devastating. The fire chief invited our family to go to the debriefing for the emts, first responders and firefighters. People who have witnessed these accidentsites once or many times respond to each scene differently. There were many tears and a lot of silent shock and everyone talked about how things happened and how they felt.
I don't think there is anything wrong with you. I think you could possibly benefit from talking face to face with someone and possibly others who understand.
The thing I hope you remember is that drinking can turn this into all kinds of things for you that this situation doesn't have to be. I'm so, so sorry that you witnessed such a tragic event. But your sobriety is your own, not broken. You pushed pause, now press play. Reach out and get some support.
Grief and trauma is a whole nother bag of fish to contend with. Please take care of you.

ScottFromWI

Trauma is difficult for anyone to deal with behind. There are a lot of things you'll be able to do that will help, but first and foremost you need to stop drinking. Can you perhaps get some water and try to get some rest? Tomorrow is another day and you can begin seeking more help but right now you need to just get rid of the alcohol.

sleepie

I am so sorry you went through this. I know that veterans see things like this. I think it helps to talk about it. I was at a group once and a veteran there told us his story. Immediately after I hugged him and thanked him for telling us, and so everyone followed. I would hug you now and listen. Please put down the drink. I am sorry you are so traumatized by this

behindblueyes

I have been diagnosed with PTSD from watching the first man die in my hands which was exaggerated with the court saying I may have killed him by rolling him on his side and so on.

I no longer work in law enforcement. I guess there are no answers as to why God puts me in place of a man who dies. Again. On Good Friday.

KiKi0615

I'm so sorry you have had to see these tragic deaths. It sounds like you are experience post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). I would be shocked if you weren't. One of the first coping mechanisms for that is to medicate with alcohol or other substances. Have you seen anyone about this? There are some amazing things that can be done to help people with PTSD.

My husbands cousin had severe PTSD when he came back from serving in Iraq and started drinking heavily & became suicidal. He saw many people die while in Iraq including women and children. :-( The good news....he started seeing a therapist, quit drinking & began exercise & yoga. He's doing great now.

I agree with others, drinking will never help and will always make things worse. However, if you do indeed have PTSD you will need help to deal with the tragic things you have been through. A human being can only go through & see so much, ya know? You have seen so much horror & I am so sorry.

I suffer from severe PTSD myself (long story) so I know what it's like to have the flash backs, night terrors and to be haunted by past trauma. Sometimes I drank because I just wanted the memories & pain to stop....even for an hour.

Sadly, the consequences of my drinking became more painful than the reasons I was drinking. It was then that I knew I needed help.

Hang in there! Keep us posted!

KiKi0615

Oh wow! I can't believe the court would say YOU killed him! Are you kidding me? No way YOU killed him. The person that punched him killed him! Don't believe that for a second. You tried to save his life! Don't ever carry that burden around with you. I really hope you get the help you need to deal with these severe traumas. You don't deserve to carry all this on your shoulders. Again, I am so sorry. :-(

If you decide you want some extra support, join us in the March 2016 class. It's an amazing group of classmates! I am personally just starting this journey to over come my drinking and PTSD. I've only been sober for 3 days but it's a start.

(((Hug)))

sleepie

That is awful. I am sorry the court did that. That guy was punched out, that was the source of it and it sounds like things were being made to be askew for whatever purposes. I think if you may want to consider seeing someone to talk to about this. That's a lot to handle.

sleepie

I understand what it's like thinking life is sending things your way. Like "How can lightening strike twice, why me?". I've had my own lightening. It can really play tricks on a person's mind. But drinking won't change anything.

Delizadee

Unfortunately really terrible things happen to many people at random. There is no rhyme or reason behind it. Try to grasp what you do have control and hold on firmly :
1. You do not have to drink. That is your choice.
2. You do not have to go through this alone.
3. Always remember, sometimes bad things happen not because we are bad or good, nor are life, the universe, god etc bad or good, they just happen. You do have the power to reach out for help to work through this.
4. Even if life isn't fair sometimes it doesn't mean you should treat yourself badly. You have a right to grief and pain as much as you have a right to work your way towards feeling good.

I really am truly sorry for what you're dealing with. I can't imagine what an immense burden it is on you. Try not to draw so many lines between the negative points if you can. I'm not saying try and find the silver lining but, remind yourself of the good things: you were there, you did all you knew how to do, you are courageous, you are caring, you are kind.

Please don't forget to reflect some of that kindness back on you. And keep posting your thoughts here if it's helping you to work through it a bit.

Ken33xx

I have a relative who experienced heavy combat at a young age and (according to some family members) never really recovered. I asked him once about all the jobs and moving around and he said, "for the longest time just being alive was good enough."

Soberwolf

I back up what Scott said

doggonecarl

Trauma may have put a drink in your hand, but alcoholism is keeping you drinking. Stop and find a better way to deal with what you are going through.

Zeroine

I don't know how many, but I know I'm one. Initially I dealt with trauma through denial, amnesia, dissociation and drinking. Later I dealt with it through somatic therapy, trauma psychotherapy, journalling, and a lot of work.

I'm not sure what support you've had for this, if any. Personally, I used drinking as a coping mechanism (an unhealthy one, but still a coping mechanism) and I would have found it impossible to stop drinking without addressing the trauma.

I wish you healing.

sleepie

How are you today behindblueyes?

behindblueyes

I am on my phone alone hiding in my house and drinking still. I hope this posts.

I know I am one of those people who will probably not make it thru this disease. I have been thru rehab.

I had 5 years of intense therapy for PTSD and trauma and that was before this. I am not drinking hard but steady. Also, this is a small town and I asked people to please not text me if that man passed today as I celebrated Easter with my family yesterday and as soon as I sat down, I heard he was dying with blood on the brain and spinal rupture. It made me pick up wine. I know I did it myself but I didn't need to hear that. I had one day sober.

I appreciate all the comments. I read them all. At this point, I don't know what more I need to quit. Like I said, I feel like I have been singled out to "see" events others never see in their lifetime. There is more to it and I will be going back to therapy asap. Thanks all.

sleepie

Drinking won't change anything though. It won't bring them back and it won't help you. It's just going to hurt you and then the ones who love and care about you.
Everyone looks for meaning in the events that happen in their lives, it's perfectly normal of course. Things can be arbitrary no matter how we figure. They just can be. You'll be ok, I have faith- if you can just stop. Get some support, talk to others about these things.

ScottFromWI

Glad to hear you are seeking therapy again blue eyes. And just because rehab didn't work last time that doesn't mean it won't work next time. No one is destined to drink....you included.

Soberwolf

Glad your with us

Thumpalumpacus

I've seen several violent deaths, both living through the Revolution in Iran in 1978, and working as a firefighter in the Air Force for four years. It is always disturbing to me, and I hope it never becomes otherwise.

I don't think you have a problem for being affected by violent death. I do think that coping with such trauma by drinking is a problem, though. Please think about what you're doing to yourself, and get back to Day One again. Hugs to you.