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Sobriety broken.

Old 03-31-2016, 12:57 PM
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How are you today, behindblueyes?
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Old 04-02-2016, 11:20 PM
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I've seen one homicide. Guy got hit with a 57mm rocket. I'm sure the folks that fired it were dancing in the streets with glee, as is their way. One day after 3 USMC KIA's the Corp got payback on the city of ramadi. They killed several hundred knuckheads. I heard thousands of women wailing for their dead that night. That was a sound I can't describe and will never forget. It was ethereal. I'm smiling right now thinking about it. I guess I'm a sick ^%$& because it doesn't bother me. I've seen several killed in cars wrecks but other than the ick factor...Death is part of life. The longer you live the more you will see of it.

behindblueyes, I think most people would agree your problem isn't as bad as mine.
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Old 04-05-2016, 01:15 PM
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I have to stop this. I am sick and shaking today because I tried to wean slowly. I can't even come off alcohol slowly anymore and not even my benzos are working.

I have all the weird symptoms of withdrawal but they are magnified. Usually I can be sick in bed but I can't even lay here the panic is unbearable. I have restless legs and if I stop moving them I have odd sensations. May be er bound. I wanted to post this as a reminder to myself to never do this again and it really is as bad as I can remember.
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Old 04-05-2016, 01:20 PM
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Supervised detox. You need it. Please take care of yourself.
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Old 04-05-2016, 01:21 PM
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The ER sounds like a good idea. Benzos and alcohol are a bad combination.
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Old 04-05-2016, 01:21 PM
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Please be safe blueyes...a trip to the ER might be the best thing right now.
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Old 04-05-2016, 01:21 PM
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Please go to the ER... take the advice on this one, it is the safest place to be right now.
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Old 04-05-2016, 02:55 PM
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i dunno be thankful your not desensitized to this kind of stuff. the min its easy to handle you might have to question your humanity.

hang in there. I know you can quit you've done it before you can do it again. and once you do the panic and anxiety etc.. should slowly start to ease so you have that to look forward too.
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Old 04-05-2016, 03:21 PM
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Behind, please go to the ER. Get some help with the detox. This is the addiction acting, not you. Please go and be safe. You can get beyond all of the this.

Addiction will grab onto what ever will get it fed. Please be safe and get a supervised detox.

Love from Lenina
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Old 04-08-2016, 08:22 PM
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Hi behindblueyes how are you today?
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Old 04-09-2016, 04:21 AM
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Originally Posted by behindblueyes View Post
I had 5 years of intense therapy for PTSD and trauma and that was before this.
I can't speak for you, only for myself. I had years working very hard on trauma and PTSD with therapies and approaches which didn't help. When I finally found what helped me, it was different.

I think a lot of accepted practice around trauma/PTSD is misguided. It aims at symptom reduction and management rather than healing. If it feels right for you to do more work to heal, then I would like to encourage you that there are many options and healing is possible.

Having said that, if this is something that doesn't feel right for you to work on more, then I respect that and send lots of good wishes for however you decide to take things forward. Recovery comes in all sorts of packages and you know best what's right for you.

Wishing you well and sending support.
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Old 04-09-2016, 12:24 PM
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I am on steroids and antibiotics for severe ear infections and near-pneumonia I didn't even know I had. Not drinking. In bed a lot.

Really, just reading a lot and scared to see how many people don't even care how sick I am. I received about 20 calls and texts in the last 3 days asking if I am better yet and if I will drink on my antibiotics because "just have one" as one person said.

Usually, I would go for a run but it is 15 degrees out. I'm holding on but boredom alone in this house is hard. I have been blocking numbers to keep busy.
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Old 04-09-2016, 12:48 PM
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A lot of people here care.

Did you end up going to the ER for withdrawals? Drinking will just put you back in withdrawals. A lot of early recovery is boredom, I think , when we're used to being able to avoid it simply by drinking. You may have to change your crowd for awhile or just avoid and find other things to do. It can be hard but I have found that people generally respect it if you just say you are on a health kick for awhile and no need to go into details.

Glad you are, despite the ear infection, ok stay strong and thanks for checking in.
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Old 04-09-2016, 01:01 PM
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I went to an outpatient clinic. The boredom is bad. Every Saturday was movie night for the last few years. The neighbors all get loud and I have a hard time tuning it out without alcohol and headphones. Music has been a bad trigger and I have avoided it completely. What a change in lifestyle. I made a list on my phone I can pick up at any time of the horrible things I've said/done in the past month due to alcohol. Plus, situations I have been forced into by other "friends". It really changes the boredom perspective when I read it.

Side note: The one reason I didn't go to my local ER this time is because I once went up there and the ER doc told me there was nothing he could do for me and to just go home and "have a beer" to feel better. I don't want to discourage anyone from going but this Dr is no longer there.
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Old 04-09-2016, 01:02 PM
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I had a serious ear infection that went on for ages I hope yours doesnt last as long

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Old 04-09-2016, 01:23 PM
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That list you made on your phone is kind of a brilliant idea. I am impressed!

Instead of music, do you like stand up comedy? I used to listen to stand up on my phone instead of music. On something similar to Pandora.

I am glad you are making an effort towards sobriety, you will benefit. Drinking is just a darn one way street to nowhere good.

That is pretty unfortunate about the Dr at the ER. No wonder he's gone.
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Old 04-09-2016, 03:52 PM
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Thanks. I always have this phone on me so I keep adding to the list. When I think about drinking, I look at it. I have humiliated myself too many times in the past month to count. Worse than ever. I was at a real bottom and I have rented 2 comedies for tonight. I used to watch horror while drinking. I couldn't even remember the movie the next day.
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Old 04-09-2016, 04:45 PM
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I'm pretty convinced that I'm cursed. People shouldn't know me - I've had way, way too many friends die and sometimes I recite their names over and over so that I do not forget any of them. Another friend passed last Saturday - he said he wasn't feeling well but I didn't know he was going to die from it! He had a heart attack stepping out of his shower.

I've lost two to overdose suicides in their 30s, one to overdose at 35, two heart attacks at a young age (both in their 40s), one went to sleep and just did not wake up, she was only 32, one to a double aneurism at 37, one was recently shot by the police (I did not consider her friend although I kind of lost it when I heard the news).

I don't know how to tell you to cope. I think of Laura all the time, nearly every day, I think of Matt all the time and try to understand and I feel like I'm suffocating when I do. I feel that part of my soul died when Laura decided either she was done with the world or it was done with her and I can never have that back and I'm never going to have her back either and seven years later I still don't know how to live with that.
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