Dinosaur

It's when I look back on the last 20 years of boozing I realise how much of my life I missed and I can't help wondering how things would have been if things had taken a different turn.

I've found that my drinking friends weren't real true friends so nowadays I can count my real friends on one hand. I look at other people my age who haven't spent the last 20 years drinking. They have home-lives and relationships that I haven't been able to develop

I feel like I blinked and missed everything

Where I used to work as an IT support tech I was called up to fix a problem someone had with their system. I sat down at the guys desk, he said he'd leave me to it and disappeared down the hallway to get a coffee. While I was waiting for his PC to reboot I noticed a picture frame on his desk. It was full of maybe twenty photographs that he'd cut out and created a montage. It had a picture of his wife, a few of his kids, one of him on his motorbike, one of his dog, some holiday snaps and some pictures of what looked like his family at Christmas. In other what I was looking at was an insight into his life.

So it got me thinking if I was to create a montage of photos I could put on my desk, what pictures would I put in it. What a depressing thought. My montage would be a photo of me at my desk at work and a picture of me on my sofa at home with a beer in one hand and a cigarette in the other. That was it. No interests, no family, no life, just working and drinking.

Nearly two years ago I stopped drinking and then in January this year I lost my job. So what I'm left with are the bare bones of the "life" I used to have. I suppose I'm glad I lost my job, I hated it and of course waking up in the morning without a hangover is wonderful. I'm trying to build up a life now but it's happening very slowly.

I've been going to gym every morning for a couple of years now and am looking more like a chippendale every day lol, well compared to how I used to look anyway. When I bump into someone I haven't seen for a few months they always tell me how different I look.

I'm going to Crystal Palace sports centre next week to learn how to do Olympic Weightlifting, the guy on the phone sounded confused when I told him I'm 40, I've never done it before, can you teach me? He didn't sound too keen but I'm paying him so he'll just have to put up with me, I want to learn how to do it and hopefully be able to get through the lessons without making a fool of myself.

As for having a relationship, I'm working on it. I have a date this week and I had one last week. I've been phoning my friends to see how they are and making an effort to stay in touch with them. I've tried to get to know my neighbours recently too, I've lived in my flat for twelve years and didn't know any of them. I'm not quite sure what the point of this post is. Maybe in five years time when I'm 45 I'll buy a picture frame and see if I have a life to put in it. Time will tell.

CAPPA

dinosaur,
I don't hear anything about AA meetings in your life?, don't mean to sound rude but this is a case of self pitty It is easy to get stuck in these feelings, remember we cannot live in our past if we are to stay sober for any length of time you must let go of the pain, anger resentments of the past life you lived. Find an AA meeting i am begining to think soberrecovery is a haven for alcoholics who don't attend AA meetings. Find a meeting and go every day if it makes you feel better you need to share that fellowship that only AA can provide best luck

Chy

I don't know if your a dry drunk or not. I do have a firm belief in that we get sober when we are supposed to an not a moment sooner. Us older drunks have those regrets of our past, it's very common. I often wish I could have quit sooner, but then I'd not have my experiance to offer. We have to take action when we get sober, to help ourselves, find a passion for life, move forward on our own accord, and some day's it just ain't fun! Seems like your Higher Power of your understanding is clearing the way for you to begin a new life. Can we start over at 40? Hell ya! I have at 44 and I gotta say I'm very happy, busy, overwhelmed and exhausted some day's but it sure beats waking up with hangovers, feeling low and worthless. Get ready, take action move forward, but ya gotta do it yourself my friend!

Sounds like your begining your plan, move forward with confidence, and if the little guy at the end of the phone is still confused, tell him to see you when he's 40! Your gonna be okay!

Justme57

Hi there Dinasour ,
I must say I am with Cappa on this , how many meetings are you doing ? It is usually when you dont feel like going , that you really need to go. There is not much use working on the outside , if the inside doesn't change .

I was 57 when I put down the drink, after 37 years of drinking, and also have regrets about the past , but you cant change the past , so no point in dwelling on it .

BUT you can change today.

NOTHING CHANGES IF NOTHING CHANGES

HUGX
Lee

Patsyd1

Hi Dinosaur,

I would like to also suggest AA meetings. There you will meet people who are on the same journey as you, and make good solid sober friendships.

One of the promises in the Big Book of AA is:

"We will not regret the past, nor wish to shut the door on it."

Dinosaur, I have no regrets today, and everything that happened along the way to coming through the doors of AA, is an asset in my life. My past is the greatest asset that I have today. We learn to take our past and share it....where we come from, how we got here and what its like now.

There are many many shares that we laugh our heads off about, there are those that are painful, those that we identify with, and those that bring so much gratitude to our hearts for all that we have experienced, the good, the bad and the ugly. All those experiences that we share help another alkie to stay sober for this one day, and they help me to stay sober today.

At AA meetings, we learn to change the person that we brought through those doors, and we never have to be alone again, if we choose not to.

Congrats on your 2 yrs of physical sobriety, thats wonderful. There is more, much much more. I hope that you begin to attend AA meetings, where we learn to live life one day at a time, a life second to none.

All any of us have is Right Now, this moment, today

God Bless,

Patsy

Don S

Hi, Dinosaur,
There were parts of your post that caught my eye...

See, it's all in how you look at things. Of course, I have no idea what a 'dry drunk' really is.

My point is that you can really affect your emotional health by isolating the negative things in your life and adding them all up. In effect, you are rating yourself, comparing your life to others, and concluding that you are a failure. But it really isn't rational to compare what others have done with your own life. There are plenty of heavy drinkers with relationships, families, careers, and lots of possessions.

Stepping back and looking at what you are doing might be useful. In the same post you are describing healthy activities, you're looking ahead, and you are seeing the benefits of your sobriety. Until you accept your past, and your self, you may have trouble setting goals for the future--because you may not believe you are capable of change. Yet you've proven you are! Give yourself credit, man!

Actively, consciously pursuing interests--creative activities, exercise, whatever types of social events you like, things you used to be interested in years ago--is something many people do to enhance their sobriety. Most of us changed our lifestyles when we quit drinking. My kids noticed more spontaneity and tolerance on my part, and I've enjoyed doing things that just wouldn't have been likely before. Bowling alleys and heavy metal concerts aren't things you would have seen me at, just to name two.

I know that planned spontaneity is an oxymoron, but it's worth a try, and those friends you can count on one hand might be willing participants.

LOL! Good one, cappa!

Don S

Dinosaur

Thanks everyone for your advice. I need to sit down and read and understand each post carefully.

Cappa
No I don't think you're rude, I appreciate some straight talking. I don't go to meetings, I think it's because I have preconceptions of them sitting around talking about god and that just puts me off (I said something bad didn't I). I'm not qualified to even have this opinion of course because I've never been to one. As for self pity, hmmm I'd hate to think that was true. I have been trying to do positive things, trying to not wallow in it but trying to fill my life up with stuff I enjoy. Like I said in my post, when the drinking and working were taken away, there didn't seem to be anything left. I don't feel sorry for myself at all, it was just an observation. I know it's self inflicted and I'm trying to do something about it.

I agree about living in the past, I wish I could stop it. I just have a lot of regrets about so many things it can overwhelm me sometimes which gets me nowhere. I do look forward more than back though, I promise.

Chy
Thanks, I'm trying to be busy like you. I agree it's hard sometimes and sometimes everything seems easy, c'est la vie

Lee
Wise words my friend. I'll try not to dwell on the past, you're right. I like your saying "nothing changes if nothing changes" it's a little bit like another one I heard once - "If you keep doing what you always did you're going to keep getting what you always got"

Patsy
Thanks. Ok, I'll attend a meeting and see how it goes.

I think you have the answer, if I can think of the past as a lesson, like a part of what made me kind of thing, is that what you mean?

What you say about laughing about stuff; this to me is probably the most difficult thing to do and the thing I would love to be able to do more than anything. I said that when the drinking and the working were taken away there was nothing left, well that's not strictly true. I have my sense of humour left which is the thing that never leaves me, in fact the harder things become the more it shows itself. I'd be nothing without it, really. The thing is I can laugh at situations, I can make other people laugh at the drop of a hat, the thing I can't do is laugh at myself, shame. I'm just making observations here that's all

Don
Thanks to you too. There's a saying in gym community that you should never compare yourself to others, just compare yourself now to yourself then. Looking at the guys life in his picture frame just made me realise that I didn't really have much of a life that's all. It's just human nature I suppose. I'm not in the slightest bit bothered anymore by possessions or wealth or career. Maybe it's because my priorities have changed or maybe it's because I've lost my passion for everything, I don't know.

Its funny you should mention heavy metal concerts. When I was younger I played in a heavy metal band, I had long hair and wore a leather jacket etc, get the picture. Well, last December they got back together and asked me to join, which I did. I thought this will be perfect for me but I just don't know, I just couldn't muster up any enthusiasm for it and in the end it all fizzled out, shame.

All
I hope my original post didn't sound too negative. Things are most definitely better. Maybe I blamed drinking for all my problems and thought that when the drinking was gone, my problems would go too. You live and learn.

On a positive note, I feel much calmer nowadays and tolerant towards others. I can see people behind the people if you know what I mean. I'm sleeping so well it's probably illegal . I also feel like my priorities have changed, and I know what's important now and what isn't.

And I will go to a meeting this week, I consider myself well and truly told off.

boop64132

Dino,
Something made you take a good hard look at the photo on the guys desk.Was it the past?God?Who knows...the point is you took a very good observation,and now you can change things,and make new pictures for your own collage! Its never too late!!

JaySee

Hi Dinosaur

JC here - alcoholic in Devon - but I used to live in Selhurst (Ssshhh...I was an alcoholic there too) - probably not too far from where you are.??

I go to AA meetings and have met some great people there. Give it a shot - and go with an open mind. You'll soon warm to the folks you can identify with. The God part is important to the program, but it is a spiritual God of your understanding - most certainly NOT a God of any religion, unless YOU want it to be of course.

much love

JC

Dinosaur

Thanks Betty

And JC, I will go and see what it's like. I used to live in Selhurst too (Dagnal Park)

Patsyd1

Hi Dinosaur,

Yes, that is what I mean. My past are all lessons, that I simply couldn't have learned any other way. All those lessons brought me right here to the halls of AA, and I take those lessons today and I reach out and hopefully help another alcoholic to achieve sobriety.

When I came through the doors of AA, I was depressed, sad, confused, and scared out of my mind. I had no idea what was wrong with me, and I truely felt at times as if I had gone insane. I took the suggestions, all of them. I sat and listened, I identified and I didn't compare. I listened and realized that the feelings that were being shared from the podium were mine. I almost fell off my chair a few times because I couldn't understand how they knew what was in my head, and how I was feeling. It was suggested to me to not compare what happend to me, with what happened to those who were sharing, instead identify with the feelings. Some had been arrested, I had never been arrested. Some had lost their families and homes. I didn't loose my family or my home. Some had been in car accidents, some had been institutionalized, I hadn't.

I did hear when it was shared from the podium about "feeling less than", "never fitting in anywhere, like the square peg in a round hole", always filled with fear, doubt and insecurity. I would put on the "mask" so that others wouldn't guess how I really felt. I could identify completely when they shared about the obsession of the mind ( a thought that overcomes all other thoughts). The thoughts of drinking were with me constantly day and night. I gave up plans, changed plans, and put everyone and everything second to my getting a drink. I could identify when they shared about waking up feeling full of remorse and guilt, full of fear of what I had done the night before and the shame about having done it again, even though I didn't want to get drunk, I did. Alcohol called all the shots in my life, it told me where I was going, what I would be doing, who I would be with, what time I was coming home, and if I was coming home at all.

I would make promises to myself and everyone else that I wouldn't drink again, and I meant it when I said it. Only to have the relentless thoughts of a drink in my mind again. The thought of a drink was constantly there and nothing that I said or did removed the thought of a drink, except getting a drink, and having one drink always lead to MORE, and there I would be again, drunk, sick and out of control. And the most frightening part was that I only planned to have one, and I couldn't understand why I had done it again.

I heard those AA's sharing from the podium about the "physical compulsion" Once I put one drink of alcohol into my system, it set up the compulsion for MORE. I didn't know that when I was drinking, I had no idea. But they were describing exactly what would happen to me when the mental obsession would take over my thoughts, and the physical compulsion would take over my actions.

I heard from the podium about the "spiritual part of this illness".....and I identified completely again. They called it a "spirituaI loss of values"...whenever my personal values interferred with me getting a drink, well I just moved my personal values. I never planned on being a liar, blaming people, places and things for my drinking, ignoring my own family so that I could drink, or to keep moving my own personal values so that I could get a drink, but I did.... over and over and over again.

I listened to those wonderful AA members sharing what happened to them, how they got here and what its like now. I glance back at where I am came from, and how grateful I am that I do not have to live like that anymore. The changes in my life after coming to AA are astronomical and beautiful. Learning to live life sober in this moment, in this day is a gift. I came through those doors lost, confused, full of pain, feeling so alone and I believed my life was over. Little did I know that my life had just begun, it just didn't feel that way at the time.

Today, when I see someone come through the doors of AA, lost, confused, full of pain, scared to death, feeling completely alone and believing their life is over, I can share with them that I too once felt that same exact way, and that they have come to the right place, because these halls are full of people who once felt that way, and there is a beautiful solution here in the halls of AA and all they have to do is reach out, grab on and just keep coming.

All my experiences with alcoholism on the way to AA, are a real gift, a true asset in my life today. I am so very very grateful for each and everything that happened to me because it brought me right here to the halls of AA, to the 12 Steps, to recovery and to a life second to none. And I get to share my experience, strength and hope with another alkie who is coming through those doors of AA feeling the same way that I once did. What an absolute gift it is to share with another alcoholic, that we are not bad people trying to get good, we are sick people trying to get well.

I am grateful to be a recovering alcoholic in AA, and yes I am happy, joyous and free today, because those wonderful people in AA took the time to give away to me, what was given to them. They shared with me where they came from, how they got here and what its like now. And I wanted it, all of it, so I kept coming one day at a time. What an asset it is to be able to take my past that once had me feeling less than, so confused, so full of pain, so frightened, so lost, and so very alone, and to pass on to someone else the very same hope that was passed to me.

Dinosaur, you do not ever have to be alone again, if you choose not to be

I would suggest that you attend AA meetings, at least 6, and sit and listen, identify and do not compare. Reach out and let someone at the AA meeting know that you are new. Take the suggestions, grab on, and then just keep coming no matter what.


Today, thanks to AA, the 12 Steps and all these wonderful AA members, I have learned to laugh at myself, and never be without entertainment. LOL

Patsy

GettingSober

Wow - I was touched by your post. Yeah I kinda hate my job too. But I have to plod on and support my family. I feel like I am between you and your montage friend - I have a family but see neighbors who seem to be devoid of the problems I have. I do find myself comparing. I do feel sympathetic when you say you blinked and missed out on a lot of things. I think you were brutally honest about your life. You might consider continuing all the positive things your doing and then perhaps some charity work, you will meet people and feel good about yourself. As for the meetings I really tried but along with the wisdom you get the people that go on for ever about either drinking or being emotionally immature and just beotching about people. It seemed like I thought less about drinking when I did not go. In the end thats where I will likely windup as it has to workout, I cant lose my daughter.

Dinosaur

Good luck getting sober Getting Sober, I know what you mean about many things in your post.

Patsy
I need to read your post a few times I think so I don't miss anything. Thanks for taking all that time to write it. I'll let you know when I've done 6 meetings then and how it went

Dinosaur :-)

degadar

Hi Dino,

Let me know how the lifting goes - It's something I've always wanted to try. I've been a bit hectic this week - sorry not having posted earlier.

Regards

Deg.

JaySee

SPOOKY.!! Me too..!! Right next to the railway lines, my little flat used to shake as the frieght trains rolled past, honking and grinding all through the night. (The trains - not me)

Lived there in '94 to '95 - enjoy those meetings.

much love
JC

Dinosaur

Yes that is spooky, I used to live near the railway lines too

thanks I will go to the meetings

Degadar, I'll let you know how the lifting goes :-)

easydoesitmikey

Im with Cappa on this one.Sounds like you need AA,work the steps and get RECOVERY!

Peter

The term "Dry drunk". is an expression often heard around AA rooms. My understanding of it is someone who has stopped drinking but still exhibits the old habits and behaviours from their drinking days.In other words they may still be rufusing to take responsibility for themselves and their actions, still unreliable and untrustworthy,still judgemental and unforgiving etc.....etc......

Dinosaur, from what you have described you do not sound like someone fitting that description.In fact I read a lot of positiveness in your post.

You are still sober. You have friends that you maintain contact with. You work out at the gym and are persuing a hobby you love. You are going out and meeting new people.

Regardless of what you might think you have a lot going for you.

Sometimes we get caught up in regret about our past and the wasted years but this is normal.The important thing is that you do not waste time and energy wallowing in it.Let it serve as a reminder to you that today you can start over.

I too sometimes make the mistake of comparing myself to others and there are people in my life who have progressed far ahead of me in material wealth and developing their families. I sometimes feel sad when I think about it.

What I may lack in material wealth I can make up for in Spiritual growth. There is more than one way to measure success.

Look at yourself today and what you are becoming.Always there will be people greater or lesser than myself.

Keep up the good work Dino and I hope we continue to hear from you.