sleepie

It's just a small tiny thing but this feels like a big step to me... I put my mini stepper in my room today and got on it for the duration of one entire Missy Elliott video and half a Rihanna.

And I had oatmeal for breakfast. Instead of cake like yesterday.

It's way late to start seeing to my diet. I was told my a1c was pre-diabetic last year. However after 3 months of abstinence it was down to a normal range. Don't worry I know I'm not in the clear. So I am trying a tiny bit more now.

I mean I am trying to just do a small bit at a time... why is there this voice telling me it's ludicrous to try and be healthy after well over a decade of being anything but? I have no desire for drinking. I won't even take an ibuprofen despite being in immense female pain for days.

I've tried a lot of things in my life with my best efforts only to have them blow up in my face, and it's not an easy way to live.

It's as if I am scared to do anything but get sober and stay in a dark corner where life can't notice I made a better choice for myself and punish me somehow.

WTH is that about?

ScottFromWI

You've also tried a lot of things in your life that have succeeded. I'll start the list for you - add to it.

1. You quit drinking and your health and outlook on life improved as a result.
2. You quit and went through benzo withdrawals and tapering and your life and outlook on life improved as a result.
3. Your health and worries about blood sugar were mostly for naught and you are now taking even more productive steps to improve your health.
4. You've shared your creative side with drawings here and your general attitude has improved quite a bit over the past 3 months.
5. You've maintained 90 days sober from both alchol and benzos.

I just came up with those in about 1 minute...and I don't even really know you that well. Think of the list you could put together on your own.

Good job on the oatmeal and the stepper...even a small amount of exercise daily will help. And dont' sell yourself short.

courage2

Very very slow, baby steps is fine. For people who never took a step without a drink or a benzo to make it easy, sometimes getting out of bed is cause for a pat on the back. You'll gain strength & confidence. I predict a lot of good in your future.

sleepie

That's some food for thought. I'll see how it goes...

Thanks for the video courage!

trachemys

^^^What he said, sleepie. You're a Titan and I am humbled and honored to know you.

sleepie

Thanks Trach you are way too nice, I mean let's see what shape I'm in next year...

sleepie

Why can't I feel good about any of that? I am only kicking myself for falling off back in November and December. Otherwise I could be a mere 4 months away from a year. Instead I'm eons away.

trachemys

Eons? You've been eons without booze or drugs haven't you? Revel in that.

Soberwolf

Sleepie I have definitely noticed such a great attitude in you your a good friend who has been there for me and can make me laugh (important)

I've really noticed how much great advice and participation has helped many on other threads too

I think your pretty amazing & trust me I'm wearing glasses (as I'm reading a book)

sleepie

Lol thanks SW!

Wow that was a long post from you, I'm honored. And so happy I bring a laugh to your day, ever!

silentrun

I LOLed that you had cake for breakfast and switched to oatmeal today. I am glad to hear you brought your number out of the pre diabetic range. That makes me feel better because I just found out today I made it into that range. You lost 40 lbs sleepie. That is a huge accomplishment especially in the midst of all the other things you got going on. I lost 15 of my 25 Celexa weight. I am going for 40 too. It's not an easy thing to do. Give yourself some credit woman.

zjw

I know that feeling. For me its like i obsess about whatever my current goal is and i box myself into it if htat makes any sense and i cant see the world past whatever it is. for example getting sober was one but now tis running and diet i' boxed into a routine i cant see past it and its hard to break free from my OCD nature of it to branch out and umm perhaps live a little. At the same time I dont wanna live a little i feel great in my little bubble per say I dont really care to rock my boat i'm content and happy in my own little world.

IT does take a lot of focus to stay sober for a while.

I still think its worth making healthy choices. even if you think your ruined yoruself. I was just mentioning to someone today that my resting pulse is low 37-40 and I thought ya know I Used to be way obese and smoked over 2 packs a day who new i could ever get a healthy heart again? So in my case all the work wasnt for nothing.

Cake for breakfast lol I love it your my hero lol. I love chocolate cake and I have not eaten it in years but I would sit there and happily clear half a 9 by 13 of chocolate betty crocker cake with chocolate icing and not feel guilty at all good stuff.

But not now I'm St Vegan now lol let me get my halo *sigh* boy it sure is dirty I'll just set it up here on the horns that it rests on lol.

Hawkeye13

Excellent steps (pardon the pun) sleepie!
Proactive and do-able actions will add up.

By the way, love the avatar--your work?

sleepie

zjw I was literally just thinking of you! I thought, well this is absolutely not a thing compared to someone like zjw who goes all out right out the gate, and dedicates themselves. I know that'll just set me up to fail though. It's like I'm allergic to structure. i just did another 10 minute round on the mini stepper. I figure it can't be bad to get my heart rate up a few times a day and then later maybe a little longer each time. or not, as far as that bubble goes- I was just thinking "I could really make this work here, this is perfect- stay in, hit the stepper, eat better and not have to go out in the world... sounds great to me!". I figure I got out plenty in my drinking days so I'll just shutter in for awhile.

Wow I am impressed your heart rate is 37-40? Mine's like 90, for years now despite biking for so long. I hope it'll improve.

Well I ate some chard today too.

Hawk, thanks!
As for the avatar, that is Louis Wain, not me

Obladi

Sleepie, I might be mistaken, but I think you are disregarding the momentary or passing positive feelings because they are momentary. Like maybe what you are looking for is an enduring sense of well-being and less than that doesn't count?

Because you sure seem like you're having a good number of decent moments. Longer even than moments sometimes. And that is something to celebrate even if you aren't Tolle Eckhart yet.

sleepie

I do want a good stretch of time where there is just normalcy. I never had one. Just for awhile, that's all I want. It's been upheaval and disruptions and chaos almost my while life. Of course, I am afraid to even feel ok for a minute because the other shoe drops.

thomas11

Hi sleepie, like others have said, what you did today was something. Its better than nothing. If you can just try and do something small each day or every other day, over time you might amaze yourself. You sound as good as I've heard you for a long time.

Jsbodhi

Great job sleepie.
Small steps work for me too.
I tend to think " today I'll eat healthy all day, run etc"
Then I don't do one and just quit altogether.
I'm learning one small step in the right direction is all it takes; and I don't need to have a perfect day and accomolish everything- as long as I do something.
Xo

Delfin

I think this is what it's all about, Sleepie: It's been upheaval and disruptions and chaos almost my while life. Of course, I am afraid to even feel ok for a minute because the other shoe drops.
And I really get you on this cause I had a lot of upheaval and disruptions and chaos for a lot of my life too-war and a lot of poverty and no stability (though I rarely talk about it). So we learned to have no expectations, or better yet, to expect the worst so when it does happen, you're not caught unawares. But I think it's okay to feel good now, Sleepie. Stop waiting for that damned shoe to drop and enjoy these moments of victory! I'll enjoy them with you.

D.

zjw

Structure me? I guess maybe it can appear that way but I hate structure. I was raised catholic and while many like that structured religion thats not for me. Structured learning IE by the book? again not for me lol. I also dont do well with authority either lol.

Its a real pain to get started. I didnt want to dive in head first for fear i'd over do it and such myself. So at 260lbs I decided to try my elipitical some while watching tv. 10 min at first then 15 i did that and pushed myself a bit to 30 but i went easy. I didnt want it to be too hard a bit over a month in my fat butt cracked the frame and I had to walk instead.

I didnt want to power walk or something screw that. I just wanted to go for a nice stroll and enjoy the scenery so thats what i did. Each day i walked the same route sometimes i'd change it up but not normally changing it gives me anxiety lol. I just walked easy. I felt extra great i might do more or if i had a very anxious day i might walk more. Thats all i did for months. I kept it so easy. I didnt want work.

Now fast forward to running it was the same thing I didnt want to do so much tht i got ticked off and stopped. I had ion of discouragement along the way between life and injuries I just got back up and went back out each day. I cried on walks i've cried while running ya know I dont wanna do this I dont wanna be out here today Why do I have to walk to calm my nerves etc.. on and on. But usually after I lift my chin and look around at the scenery i'd cheer up and if i didnt cheer up 5 or 10 minutes in i'd bag it and go home screw it!! tho that didnt happen very often it does happen tho.

I always figured when i didnt wanna walk or run was probably when i needed to the most it usually was and almost always made me feel better afterwards.

now its a bit of an obsession and yea I make it look easy but geeze almost daily i battle with myself to run latly and i've been battling foot pain for over a month now. People are like but how bad could it be your still run 7 or 8 miles in great time and its like yeah i guess but it still hurts *sigh* and its discouraging and i wanna just go sit in a corner and cry and give up i really do. But I dont I just keep getting up each day and doing what i gotta do i guess.

I used to think of walking like taking a shower. Each day i took a shower or well try too lol I figured walking is like that its just something i had to do each day like eating dinner or something. It just became someting I did with barely thinking about it oh well I guess its walk time etc...

walking and excercise is great too for anxiety and sorting out your thoughts. I solve the problems of the world while running.

I gave away an old treadmill it had over 4500 miles on it and i was all teary eyed when i got rid of it. why? I spent so many hours on that thing I solved every problem of the world. I had good days and bad days on it etc.. I guess its like getting rid of your first car or something? I dunno. Or i'm just wierd lol. But i spent a lot of time meditating and sorting my thoughts out on that machine etc..