Strength and Hope
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 26
Strength and Hope
Hi,
I have not been able to get to a meeting for a few days. I just needed to share. I need some strength and hope.
My 83 year old father whom I recently moved to town spontaneously stopped drinking a few months ago after a multi-month bender. It took several months for his head to get as clear as it will ever be given that, according to his doctor, his drinking has caused premature dementia. So, the other day, I get a text from his helper saying he's asking for a bottle of wine. (He had told me and the doctor the week before that he has not been having cravings.)
So, I went over the other night and pointed out that that would not be a good idea. He got a bit angry with me and said he's not going to deny himself "a glass of wine" once in a while. He just wanted "a glass of wine for St. Patrick's day" (we're Jewish, by the way; how funny is that?). So I did a little motivational interview and pointed out that if he drinks, he'll do more brain damage and could also fall, which would put his ability to live independently in jeopardy (with his memory problems, he is able to live on his own by the skin of his teeth -- he really should be in assisted living).
When he continued on with the "one glass of wine" stupidity, I decided to take a risk: I disclosed to him that I have also been struggling with cravings (I've been sober for years and I never told him I'm also an alcoholic) and started to attend AA. I explained that I know how difficult it is to sit through the cravings. I also told him that I know it's never just one. You start with one and before you know it you're on a first-class bender. I also made it clear that no one is going to buy alcohol for him. (Of course, he knows how to order it by phone from a liquor store that delivers.)
He seemed to get that and told me what he thought I wanted to hear ("Well, St. Patrick's day came and went and thankfully I didn't drink"). I asked him if he wanted to try some of the anti-craving medication that the doctor offered. He did not. He doesn't want the medication because he wants to drink. The next bender is around the corner. Here we go again.
As for me, my anger and resentment index went through the roof. And I'm under significant stress at work. And my daughter is freaking out because she's not getting into the schools she applied to. And my wife is freaking out because my daughter is freaking out. I am oddly able to be present for my daughter and get across to her that the world is not ending and so forth.
But: I really, really, really want to drink. If all these people knew how badly I want to drink, they wouldn't think I'm so enlightened. The AV is really loud. Like, here I am telling my father it's never one drink. At least I'm not fooling myself about that: I _know_ I want a _lot more_ than one drink baby!
But I'm not giving in.
I am in the process of working step three and clearly need to move on to step four. Resentments in general, and this mother-of-all-resentments with my father -- they kick my ass every time.
I have faith that this process will eventually relieve me of my struggles with the cravings and the AV. In the meantime, I'm white-knuckling it. I just have to keep reminding myself that anything is better than picking up.
Thanks for listening. I just need to get this off my chest. I feel a little better already.
--YA
I have not been able to get to a meeting for a few days. I just needed to share. I need some strength and hope.
My 83 year old father whom I recently moved to town spontaneously stopped drinking a few months ago after a multi-month bender. It took several months for his head to get as clear as it will ever be given that, according to his doctor, his drinking has caused premature dementia. So, the other day, I get a text from his helper saying he's asking for a bottle of wine. (He had told me and the doctor the week before that he has not been having cravings.)
So, I went over the other night and pointed out that that would not be a good idea. He got a bit angry with me and said he's not going to deny himself "a glass of wine" once in a while. He just wanted "a glass of wine for St. Patrick's day" (we're Jewish, by the way; how funny is that?). So I did a little motivational interview and pointed out that if he drinks, he'll do more brain damage and could also fall, which would put his ability to live independently in jeopardy (with his memory problems, he is able to live on his own by the skin of his teeth -- he really should be in assisted living).
When he continued on with the "one glass of wine" stupidity, I decided to take a risk: I disclosed to him that I have also been struggling with cravings (I've been sober for years and I never told him I'm also an alcoholic) and started to attend AA. I explained that I know how difficult it is to sit through the cravings. I also told him that I know it's never just one. You start with one and before you know it you're on a first-class bender. I also made it clear that no one is going to buy alcohol for him. (Of course, he knows how to order it by phone from a liquor store that delivers.)
He seemed to get that and told me what he thought I wanted to hear ("Well, St. Patrick's day came and went and thankfully I didn't drink"). I asked him if he wanted to try some of the anti-craving medication that the doctor offered. He did not. He doesn't want the medication because he wants to drink. The next bender is around the corner. Here we go again.
As for me, my anger and resentment index went through the roof. And I'm under significant stress at work. And my daughter is freaking out because she's not getting into the schools she applied to. And my wife is freaking out because my daughter is freaking out. I am oddly able to be present for my daughter and get across to her that the world is not ending and so forth.
But: I really, really, really want to drink. If all these people knew how badly I want to drink, they wouldn't think I'm so enlightened. The AV is really loud. Like, here I am telling my father it's never one drink. At least I'm not fooling myself about that: I _know_ I want a _lot more_ than one drink baby!
But I'm not giving in.
I am in the process of working step three and clearly need to move on to step four. Resentments in general, and this mother-of-all-resentments with my father -- they kick my ass every time.
I have faith that this process will eventually relieve me of my struggles with the cravings and the AV. In the meantime, I'm white-knuckling it. I just have to keep reminding myself that anything is better than picking up.
Thanks for listening. I just need to get this off my chest. I feel a little better already.
--YA
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: NC
Posts: 1,737
Hi Yoga,
Do you have a sponsor with whom to work the steps? He could give you far more detailed and relevant feedback based on his knowledge of your situation. That said - at the root of almost every resentment is an unrealistic expectation. Some of our expectations may be justified, but nevertheless unrealistic, because the person or situation didn't turn out in the manner we expected. Harboring resentment over these things may annoy "normies" but for an alcoholic, it can be the start of going down the slippery slope to a drink.
Recognizing the limits of my influence over situations, and focusing my energies on actions rather than their outcomes is rarely easy, but certainly easier than the alternative.
Do you have a sponsor with whom to work the steps? He could give you far more detailed and relevant feedback based on his knowledge of your situation. That said - at the root of almost every resentment is an unrealistic expectation. Some of our expectations may be justified, but nevertheless unrealistic, because the person or situation didn't turn out in the manner we expected. Harboring resentment over these things may annoy "normies" but for an alcoholic, it can be the start of going down the slippery slope to a drink.
Recognizing the limits of my influence over situations, and focusing my energies on actions rather than their outcomes is rarely easy, but certainly easier than the alternative.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
I'm really sorry about your Dad YA, but the truth is the only recovery you can do anything about is your own.
you probably know about putting your oxygen mask on first:
Whether you're your dad's primary caregiver or not, I think it applies here.
Good for you for not giving in. Seek out that help and work though whatever understandable resentments or other issues you might have
you probably know about putting your oxygen mask on first:
Have you been on a plane and heard the flight attendant tell you to put on your oxygen mask first? The immediate response is, "No way, I need to take care of my kids (husband, mother, best friend, stranger in the seat next to me...). The idea clashes with our instinct.
What does it really mean? Simply put: If you don't put your mask on first, you won't be there for all those other people when they need you. You will be unconscious.
The same applies to caregivers. Our natural tendency is to do for others, because we are caring, loving, nurturing, responsible, supportive and competent people. However, just like the oxygen mask, we need to take care of ourselves so we can effectively take care of the people we love.
Put on Your Oxygen Mask First: Self-Care For The Caregiver
What does it really mean? Simply put: If you don't put your mask on first, you won't be there for all those other people when they need you. You will be unconscious.
The same applies to caregivers. Our natural tendency is to do for others, because we are caring, loving, nurturing, responsible, supportive and competent people. However, just like the oxygen mask, we need to take care of ourselves so we can effectively take care of the people we love.
Put on Your Oxygen Mask First: Self-Care For The Caregiver
Good for you for not giving in. Seek out that help and work though whatever understandable resentments or other issues you might have
A Day at a Time
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Grand Rapids MI
Posts: 6,435
Your dad's drinking problem is his. Yours is yours. Taking his inventory is only moving you closer to a drink.
I would highly recommend getting an experienced sponsor (if you don't already have one) and start working the steps. Kick up your meeting attendance and work the program like your life depended on it, because it does.
I would highly recommend getting an experienced sponsor (if you don't already have one) and start working the steps. Kick up your meeting attendance and work the program like your life depended on it, because it does.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 26
Hi,
I'm not sure what I wrote that gave folks the impression that I am trying to control his drinking or take his inventory? I am his primary caretaker. So whatever he does to his health as a result of his drinking (or any other decision) makes my life a lot more difficult. So I'm trying, if possible, to prevent having to deal with a health care crisis.
My main purpose in speaking with him was to understand whether he has any interest in not drinking. Since he's very unlikely to ever attend AA, his only option would be medication. If the medication worked, he would not end up being "sober" in the AA sense, but at least he would not be putting his remaining cognitive functioning and overall health at risk.
As it happens, my father made it clear in his own way that he wants to keep the drinking option open, despite all the health risks that I reminded him of. So that's that. I gave him the cash that he asked for from his bank account because it's his money and he can do whatever he wants. At that point, it's his business.
I feel like there's a tendency in AA and AlAnon to assume that any reasonable attempt at intervention is somehow unhealthy. I don't think it's unreasonable or unhealthy to at least figure out whether a medical option is possible.
The fact that I reacted to this situation with poisonous seething resentment is totally my problem and my problem alone. That's the only thing I can really hope to have an effect on here. So yes, I have a lot of work to do.
But maybe I am misunderstanding these comments I quoted. I generally like it that people in AA and on this site bust on each other when they're being dumb (because yes, our lives depend on it). Maybe you're seeing something I'm not seeing. Please feel free to clarify -- I do appreciate the dialog.
Yes I have a sponsor. He is encouraging me to take my time with the steps. So I have been meditating on step 3 to make sure I am ready, because it just didn't make sense to me. Hence: "We thought well before taking this step making sure we were ready". But I get it well enough now and I have the willingness. So, yes, time to move forward.
Thanks for listening.
--YA
Originally Posted by MIRecovery 
Your dad's drinking problem is his. Yours is yours. Taking his inventory is only moving you closer to a drink
Originally Posted by Dee74
I'm really sorry about your Dad YA, but the truth is the only recovery you can do anything about is your own.
My main purpose in speaking with him was to understand whether he has any interest in not drinking. Since he's very unlikely to ever attend AA, his only option would be medication. If the medication worked, he would not end up being "sober" in the AA sense, but at least he would not be putting his remaining cognitive functioning and overall health at risk.
As it happens, my father made it clear in his own way that he wants to keep the drinking option open, despite all the health risks that I reminded him of. So that's that. I gave him the cash that he asked for from his bank account because it's his money and he can do whatever he wants. At that point, it's his business.
I feel like there's a tendency in AA and AlAnon to assume that any reasonable attempt at intervention is somehow unhealthy. I don't think it's unreasonable or unhealthy to at least figure out whether a medical option is possible.
The fact that I reacted to this situation with poisonous seething resentment is totally my problem and my problem alone. That's the only thing I can really hope to have an effect on here. So yes, I have a lot of work to do.
But maybe I am misunderstanding these comments I quoted. I generally like it that people in AA and on this site bust on each other when they're being dumb (because yes, our lives depend on it). Maybe you're seeing something I'm not seeing. Please feel free to clarify -- I do appreciate the dialog.
Yes I have a sponsor. He is encouraging me to take my time with the steps. So I have been meditating on step 3 to make sure I am ready, because it just didn't make sense to me. Hence: "We thought well before taking this step making sure we were ready". But I get it well enough now and I have the willingness. So, yes, time to move forward.
Thanks for listening.
--YA
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
Hi YA
I read your post as you were worried about your dad's drinking. I guess, from your response, it's part of a bigger ball of stress.
that being said...
Not unhealthy - just not very likely to have success if your dad's not on board, YA.
You filled in a little more about your situation with your dad so I know now you are his primary caregiver....& that's not something you can walk away from, not easily anyway.
Could you get some help tho - give yourself a break? it might help reduce some of that stress (and resultant resentment and desire to drink) you're dealing with?
There are some tips here that may help with at least some of that stress
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...44-stress.html
best wishes
D
I read your post as you were worried about your dad's drinking. I guess, from your response, it's part of a bigger ball of stress.
that being said...
I feel like there's a tendency in AA and AlAnon to assume that any reasonable attempt at intervention is somehow unhealthy. I don't think it's unreasonable or unhealthy to at least figure out whether a medical option is possible.
You filled in a little more about your situation with your dad so I know now you are his primary caregiver....& that's not something you can walk away from, not easily anyway.
Could you get some help tho - give yourself a break? it might help reduce some of that stress (and resultant resentment and desire to drink) you're dealing with?
There are some tips here that may help with at least some of that stress
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...44-stress.html
best wishes
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 26
Originally Posted by Dee74
I read your post as you were worried about your dad's drinking. I guess, from your response, it's part of a bigger ball of stress. Not unhealthy - just not very likely to have success if your dad's not on board, YA.
Could you get some help tho - give yourself a break? it might help reduce some of that stress (and resultant resentment and desire to drink) you're dealing with?
Thanks!
--YA
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 26
Originally Posted by Dee74
Re-reading your initial post I see your dad has a helper. Does that help alleviate some of stress?
Yes she's a blessing. She comes for one hour each day during the week days, and she has a good rapport with him. Like she can actually get him to take a shower once in a while. And my wife does his shopping. And my daughter visits him on Saturday. Since they don't have the kind of charge that I have with with him, it's not a problem for them to see him the way it is for me. So I can pretty much see him only on Sunday, except when he has a Dr. appointment. So I'm pretty lucky in that regard. Of course, if he could afford it, I would put him in assisted living. But his money would run out too quickly. So for now it's this delicate balance.
Thanks for asking :-)
--YA
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