Fervor

So I had a plan, got through about a week then crashed and burned. I had intended if that happened that I would immediately get back on track, but that’s not what happened. It has been about a month and I’m sick of it already. I kind of figured to get good and sick of it and journal the uselessness of it for future reference.

I’m guessing many, if not most, have not gone on into the future without some lapses here or there. I would like to hear about your experiences so that I might learn from them. How many of you have simply stopped drinking and never relapsed? How many have relapsed and how long did it last? What did you learn to help you start again?

I know each of our stories are different, but they are at the same time similar. Does relapsing mean I will never succeed in putting this behind me? What can I do to make sure it doesn’t happen next time, if anything?

I know you all put your experiences into your posts as to what has helped you make it in life without drinking, but I am specifically looking at the times any of you have tried and failed and what you consider the reasons to be and the solutions to them. I never expected to try to stop and succeed right off, I know myself too well, but I do expect that at some point I will make it as so many of you have, armed with the things I learn on the way. Maybe I should have expected immediate success, but my years have taught me better. Almost everything is trial and error, except maybe a few things we have a particular proclivity for.

ScottFromWI

Drinking is not inevitable, and there certainly are those who get sober the first time around. And I don't think it's unreasonable to set the standard high, whether it is your 1st or 100th attempt.

What was your plan? If it only lasted a week I'd guess either it was not the right plan for you or you decided not to follow it.

JeffreyAK

I've never relapsed even once, since my last drink. ;-)

What sort of plan are you making/following? Are you getting support from meetings of any flavor, or maybe a medical outpatient program? Beyond a point, very few people succeed by just deciding to quit on their own, instead they often crash repeatedly and build up a growing pile of negative consequences. You could short-circuit that vicious circle by making use of as much support as you can gather up (including here), before the negative consequences really start to pile up.

freshstart57

I didn't relapse, either, Fervor. I drank until I stopped, and right up until that moment. Now, before you get excited, I wish I had done it a whole heckuva lot earlier.

When I quit, I thought it likely I was only ever going to get one shot at this. I decided once and for all. There was nothing for me in drinking anymore, and I needed to appreciate that fact fully. All the attraction was in the past, and that ship had sailed.

I didn't, couldn't allow myself the torture of drinking again. Instead of fretting, I got busy. The busier I got, the better I felt.

Something that really helped me was making a couple lists. Everyone makes a list of the negative things that happen when we drink and continue to drink. I found it more useful to make a list of things, good things, that I could have and do and be if and only if I got and stayed sober for good, if I never took another single drink. And then I set out to get them. Maybe you would find that useful too.

Hang in, Fervor. You might ask yourself how good and sick you need to be to decide to never drink again. How about now? There will never be a better time than now.

You say you never expected to succeed at stopping 'right off'. Well, maybe its time to realign that expectation with a reality that will help you. The reality is that you can succeed. Make that expectation, and make it so firmly that failure will never be an option. Then do it! Believe you can do it, because you can. Believe you deserve it because you do. Then make that decision, and start doing the things that sober folks do. It really is so much better when you leave alcohol behind you for good.

Onward!

advbike

Quite frankly, I think a lot of it depends on the consequences that you're suffering. If you're drinking to blackout regularly, ingesting a fifth or more of hard alcohol every day, drinking in the morning, getting sick, driving drunk and getting caught, pissing yourself, have lost your job or home or family, or any other serious consequences.. well I'd say you're nearing a hard bottom. Many who are faced with that serious of a situation head to AA or a rehab and turn their lives around. They have seen the gates of hell and want nothing to do with it, and are ready to take the necessary steps to achieve a life of sobriety.

Others of us manage to control those negative consequences to some extent, we're what the Big Book refers to as hard drinkers. We may drink regularly but we often still retain some control, or haven't yet suffered consequences so serious that we're willing to do anything to quit. I fell into that category, happily self medicating my problems, emotional pain, and general dissatisfaction every night for decades. I knew I had a problem, was probably headed for physical problems, couldn't sleep well, and didn't like the way the years were just slipping by.. but I still enjoyed those 3-5 microbrews or glasses of chardonnay on my deck every night.

So I regularly "quit", then relapsed a week, or a month or even 3 months later because I would go to AA meetings and think "Oh, I'm not like those guys.. I never pissed myself, or had a DUI, or lost my job, blah, blah, blah.." What I didn't realize was I was like those guys, I just hadn't rode the elevator all the way to the ground floor yet. But my thinking? Exactly the same..

I carried on this way for years.. decades even. As a result, it took me until I was 58 to quit permanently. Only then, after some extended sobriety, did I realize the damage that was being done by self medicating my feelings and difficulties all of those years. As a result, I've really struggled to get my thinking, anxiety, and obsessive behaviors back under control, and I just wish I had done it sooner.

So which is better? Which camp do you fall into? You know you'll have to do it sooner or later. Which will it be?

Dee74

Hi Fervor

the story for me is I went back to drinking many times, but not since I I joined SR.

I think I underestimated the task before, quite honestly.

My whole life was about drinking and drinkers, so a lot had to change.

I also think that deep down I didn't really want to quit drinking - I just wanted the bad consequences to stop...of course that was not a realistic outcome.

Eventually I drank to the point where it was quit or die - so I quit.

I see relapse as part of my addiction, it's not a part of recovery

D

least

I relapsed over and over until I finally wanted to be sober more than I wanted to drink.

Gottalife

I never relapsed after I recovered, but I had plenty of slips where I tried to stop but refused or didn't think of doing anything to recover.

There are loads of people with alcohol problems who just make up their mind and stop. Most of my schoolmates did exactly that, they drank like I did for a while, then got sick of it and stopped. But for an alcohlic of my type it is not so easy. The definition of an alcholic is someone who has lost the ability to control when or how much they will drink.

I lost the power of choice. The replapse, slips, or time between drinks trying to stay stopped, were the thing that eventually proved to me that I was alcoholic and needed help. When I had been beaten up enough, I became willing to do whatever it took, and I recovered.

Relapses are pretty dangerous. It is a risk we alkies seem willing to take to try and find a way out on our terms. But there is no telling what may happen. I have known people relapse after many years of not drinking, and they have not made it back.

You can sometimes get the impression that one can go on relapsing and coming back indefinitely, but that is not the case. Over time we get worse and eventually we stop drinking in one of three ways. We sober up, we get locked up, or we get covered up. It's that serious.

FBL

I guess you could say I relapsed hundreds of times over my nearly 30 year drinking career. However, when I finally got serious about it (on June 22, 2009), I've not had a drink since and I'm SO glad, as it has literally saved my life.

graced333

I know in my heart that I can never drink again. So much life remains for me.

tomsteve

10+ years sober here. never really even tried to get sober before.

one thing i didnt do is
" I had intended if that happened...."

i didnt plan my next drink. i planned my next action to get farther away from my last one.


yer gonna have to remove that last phrase and this one
"never expected to try to stop and succeed right off..."

from your vocabulary. you are either dedicated to getting and staying sober completely or youre not.


yup, lots of trial and error in my life, but my trials ending up in error is absolutely no excuse to drink.

24hrsAday

i will try to make this as short as possible..
drinking became more and MORE Important to me..
i did stop drinking several times and at some point (not too long)
i ALWAYS went back to drinking.
Until i KNEW that i would die if did not stop.
not everyone has to get that bad.. but, i did.
my name is john and i'm an Alcoholic.. AA has helped me greatly!
i wish you the best.. Alcoholism is progressive!

Soberwolf

i just want to echo what D said as the last line in his post helped me so much still does every time I see it

Venecia

The notion that "relapse is a part of recovery" is one of the urban legends of our world.

There's a good thread on this topic on the Newcomers Forum. Hope this is of some help.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-relapses.html

Bunny211

Once I admitted I was powerless over alcohol and that I could not EVER drink again I stayed sober. In the past, I would quit drinking for a month, but I always went back. I never thought I couldn't moderate or drink again after being sober for a while to "clear up my head."

Once I admitted to myself that I could not drink, ever, I stayed sober.

Step 1 is the only step you have to do perfectly, 100% of the time. Accept and admit that you cannot drink EVER and you will stay sober.

SoberinSyracuse

Does relapsing mean I will never succeed in putting this behind me?

Gollygee, no-way-no-how! It happens to sooooooooo many people. And it can happen at any time -- early in recovery or after decades of sobriety. Per your wise request, I'll share my own personal experience:

I'm on my third attempt at sobriety, and it's working this time. A sober lifestyle has replaced the drinking lifestyle, and I'm engaged with my new goals and interests.

My first two attempts lasted only a few weeks. On the first attempt, I fell prey to the "I'm better now; I can have a few drinks" trap. Within a week I was back to heavy daily drinking. Kind of embarrassing to admit, but that's what happened.

On the second attempt, I tried to go all-in and really put my heart and soul into the sobriety effort. I hooked up with AA and a counselor, went to daily meetings all over town w/ different groups, and weekly sessions with my counselor. The messages and philosophies I heard depressed me and contradicted my spiritual faith. I found myself thinking that sobriety was really no better than drunkenness! So back into the bottle I fell.

On the third attempt, I took stock of what hadn't worked for me, and started looking for something DIFFERENT. I decided to try amino acid therapy, and it worked. No cravings, no PAWS, no nothing. I then followed up by tapping back into my faith and relying on its teachings about addiction and healing. With that new physical and emotional energy, I forged ahead joyously into a sober life.

The lessons I learned were:

1) If you know in your heart something is not helping you, DUMP IT before you relapse and find something that does.
2) Listen to others that have gone before you....but not too much. They have valuable insights to be sure, but at the same time, what worked for them may be poison for you.
3) The opposite of addiction isn't abstinence. The opposite of addiction is engagement. Visualize the life you want, and start working toward it, actively, every day.

Hope this was a little helpful. Don't beat yourself up; just refine your approach and carry on! You can absolutely do this, I promise.

Hawkeye13

SIS is dead-on about finding what works for you, personally
For me to stop relapsing, I had to learn and really accept that
the opposite of addiction isn't not drinking, but engagement / recovery.

I think lots of people relapse because they think simply not drinking = recovery
but most of us started drinking to deal with / suppress really tough things either in our upbringing or in our current lives.

Those things don't go away but are even more in your face at first when you stop drinking.

Also, the way we cope is to numb and deny what's going on with booze instead
of coming up with a plan and dealing with it. That's another issue.

Yet another problem is usually we have offended and alienated people
who love us by our actions when drinking, so there's that mess,
as well as the financial and work issues we quite likely have to sort out also.
And the health issues. . . which can be obvious or hidden but also
are a source of anxiety for many.
My physical issues were severe when I quit, and I had serious anxiety which
was directly caused by the drinking itself.
Weeks of insomnia were also not much fun as my body got used to sleeping
without alcohol.

I had all of the above issues, so my first months of sobriety when I initially quit
were very tough and I had to work really hard to make things better,
still, I did not relapse until about 11/2 years later, when I mistakenly thought I had it together
and could now have "moderation" relationship with alcohol.

Nope. Didn't work.
Tried it four or five more times, with several months between.
Still didn't work.
Decided I was done with relapsing in the name of moderation,
so now I have changed my plan to "not drink for any reason ever"
This not only seems to be working, it is a relief.

I'm just past four months sober since my last and final attempt at moderation,
and I have no plans to do anything but not drink alcohol for the rest of my life.
Frankly, I have too much to lose and sobriety is actually more comfortable to me now than drinking.

cejay

I'd say I'm a lot like what ADVbike described - probably a hard drinker by big book definition.

I relapsed daily I guess - I'd insist I was going to stop drinking in the morning, poor out all my beer and buy more after work, drink it, go to bed drunk and repeat. I did this for a long, time.

I read lots of books on how to quit and even did quit for a few years on my own, but ended up drinking again, for a few years, and it got a bit worse. The hangovers were more frequent and harder to deal with as I aged.

I joined AA late June last year and almost had 30 days twice, picking up a drink (once) just before my 30.

At which point I decided to get a sponsor and start working on the steps. Once I did that, and completed Step 1, for me, the obsession/desire to drink has been removed.
The journey has been great, the promises are coming true and I truely enjoy the program and subsequent fellowship.

In AA I found everything I was looking for from "the bar stool" so to speak.

Find someone who wants what you have, find out how they did it and latch on.

CJ.

Leonidas

For me this is exactly what it comes down too...Day 5 today btw.

tursiops999

I believe you can succeed. I'm at 19 months and have not had a drink since quitting (although before quitting, I had half-heartedly said to myself "gee, I should quit", many many times). For myself I view relapse as part of my addiction, not my recovery. Whatever method and plan one uses to stay sober, my belief is that the critical thing is to deep down inside make a decision to put down the drink and leave it down, no matter what. And then be very pro-active about choosing positive ways to spend my time, so that it gets easier to support myself in that decision, rather than a struggle.