Carlotta

So what is your plan so you can remain sober and keep your promise?
Promises are all nice but actions speak louder than words.

henny

I will try being sober as long as I can. Also I will try Naltrexone soon. But right now, I can't stop to beat myself up.

Opivotal

I know you feel awful, but this is something you can fix. In time you can make amends.

Be thankful you didn't do anything worse. Anything, and I mean anything can happen in a black-out, it's like Russian roulette.

Get a plan in place to stop alcohol/drugs and you never have to go through this again.

Black-outs scared me sober.

henny

To me, loving parents are sacred and I betrayed that with the worst way possible. This doesn't have a way out. I'm thinking about suicide but this would also make them very sad. I'm about to lose my mind.

awuh1

I understand perfectly how impossible this seems to you now. Fortunately there are lots of us who have been through very similar experiences. There is a wisdom about this that exists in the rooms of AA. You can seek it out or you can keep yourself stuck in your current thinking. All I can do is point you in a direction that might be of great benefit to you. What you do is up to you.

http://www.aa.org/pages/en_US/find-local-aa

Sunbeam

Henny, I hope I'm wrong, but it sounds like you might be using your regrets about this event as a reason to keep drinking or using drugs. Saying you will try to stop isn't the same as making a plan to stop by doing x y and z. We all know how difficult it is to quit, we've all been there. But many people would use a regretful event to make the decision to quit for good. As others here have said, it is what you must do to keep from repeating this scenario. I wish you well, I know you love your parents. An addiction can be very strong and can continue to make more horrible things happen.

MIRecovery

I promised more people than I can count that I would quit drinking. I hurt more people than I can count because I didn't.

Finally the day came when I quit for me and I have not drank for a few 24 hrs since that day.

Not one person that loved me believed me but I proved to them through my actions that I was serious about getting sober. I went to IOP for 4 months, then AA 6 days a week for 1.5 years, I got a sponsor, worked the steps, found a church, and built a network of sober friends.

If you want to heal the damage start working an active program of recovery

henny

I can't desribe how much I love them. I can't possibly desribe how much they mean to me neither. There are scenes I can't shake off. They are also telling me what I have done and it's top extreme, I spat to his face while they were holding me. I can't understand why have I done that and I don't know if I can make this right.

Carlotta

So what's your plan aside from "trying" Naxeltrone?

Dee74

Hi Henny

if it's distressing you to the point you're thinking of self harm, you need help, right now.

Please do read this link and maybe call one of the crisis numbers or get yourself to your nearest ER.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ease-read.html

In the longer term, all of us have things we regret - I'm sure some of our past actions are worse than what you've done.

You learn to accept it happened, but it's in the past. You find forgiveness for yourself in time.

Like I said before you can use this as a turning point, a new beginning.

But do put some energy in a recovery plan that goes beyond simple trying, or putting all your hopes on a med.

Thats not usually enough, no matter how mortified you feel today....

one day you feel feel the urge to drink again and you'll need to have a plan to deal with that ahead of time.

this link is a good start:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ery-plans.html

D

Jsbodhi

Me too! That and hangovers were the biggest reason I quit.
But the blackouts are number one- absolutely terrifying

Jsbodhi

I hope you get well henny- it's up to you xo

Fabat50

Henny I am writing this as a parent. The best possible thing you can do to show your parents how much you love them is to get sober, stay sober and fulfill all of your amazing potential in life. As a parent all we want is for our children to be happy and healthy, you are neither for the moment.

This most recent incident is raw for now and is eating away at you. But it's done and in the past. You can't change it. What you can control is the here and now and your future.

Given the choice do you think your parents would want to see you :

a) Stuck and wracked with regret about what happened and feeling suicidal or
b) Getting a serious plan together to get straight.

You mentioned earlier that you are going to try to stay sober as long as possible and take some medication at some point. But that is too vague. You need a specific action plan my friend.

Come on. You can do this. You can make your parents proud. But first and foremost, do it for you. Make youself proud of the person you are. Start now.

Good luck.

venuscat

Really awesome post Fab!!

Henny ~ please listen to Fab and Dee, and to everyone here. We want you to be safe, and well. You can do this love.

henny

Thanks a lot. Seriosly, thanks a lot.

I want to stop beating myself up but on the other hand I can't be that insensitive. They are my parents. That feels like the worst thing that can happen.

MIRecovery

You are worried about what you did to them but I would be far more worried about what you will do to them if you do not come up with a solid plan to quit drinking because promising and naltroxone is not a plan

Gottalife

I so relate to your post Henny, I did exactly the same thing and had exactly the same consequences, and I loved my parents and I knew they didn't deserve the way I treated them, and I knew they loved me, and I loved them, but it wasn't enough for me to change my ways. I was powerless over alcohol and I still had five more years of drinking to do. And believe me, it get's worse.

I just wish someone had told me what Awuh told you, and if they did tell me, I wish I had listened. There is a way out for you. It's right there in Awuh's post. I didn't know it at the time but there really were no other options. I spent the five years trying to prove I could have it all on my terms, and I failed.

One thing I do know. The psotion you find yourself in now, the awful way you are feeling, this is where some of the best recoveries begin. You just need to be willing to do what it takes.
All the best

henny

Have you been able to forgive yourself? It seems like I will never be able to forgive myself And no of course I won't keep on drinking. I know there is no such thing as "drinking in moderation" for me. I lose all my judgement abilities when I start drinking.

Right now, I feel terrible, useless, guilty as **** and I hate myself.

henny

It feels like I did the worst thing that I can do.

ScottFromWI

The key is that it "feels" that way. Feelings are simply thoughts inside your head. They will come and go and change. Yes you've done bad things, but that is in the past.

I can guarantee you that your parents are much more worried about what you will do next than what you've already done. You will of course feel regret, but the ONLY way you can ever regain their trust and respect is to start acting as if you deserve it. Sitting around obsessing about the past will not accomplish that.

The real problem is your drinking. The actions you committed were a result of your drinking. You need to fix the real problem...and make your best effort. That, and only that is the key to moving forward.