RoyGBiv

6 months and change. I've been trying to find ways to be engaged, pal around with the non drinkers I know, have something like a life, but invariably I will have time here at home alone with nothing at all that I want to do. And really, it still feels like no one would give two bleeps if I wasn't here.

Things either tickle my pleasure center, and I overdo them, then suffer the feeling of not having them, or they don't do anything for me and I derive no positive feelings from them. A classic addictive personality? Booze, relationships, hiking, and golf do it for me. I hiked myself silly these last weeks, doing up to 22 miles in one day. Now of course my aging knee can't keep up and I am grounded. I golfed myself silly last fall, and now of course my shoulder is shot. If I like it, I can't moderate it. I simply cannot see how I am going to meet anyone here even when I am ready, and I am not ready anyway.. I'll ruin it anyway when it happens because it's been built up so much in my head I can't possible respond like a normal human.

And so it seems I am condemned to suffer the excesses and the consequences thereof, or suffer feeling nothing and being bored silly alone. I simply don't feel like I can win, and I am so weary of this... Right at this moment, this evening, I'm choosing the evil side in my brain. I just don't feel like I can fight it anymore. I'm spent. I can't keep leaving work facing another evening of waging war in my head. Half a year, and I'm just as lonely as I was drunk, and (expletive) I can still *Feel* that cursed buzz in my head after all this time.

I always said to myself I would wait one day after deciding to give up, before I give up. To give time to gain perspective on my emotions. So pardon my rant, dear readers, no drinks will be taken tonight. I am so incomprehensibly tired of feeling this way.

Soberwolf

Roy are you going meetings or are you working a plan have you thought about journalling reading a new diy project perhaps ? sorry you feel like this but good on you knowing drinking will not solve this if you want to talk anytime send a pm bud

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ful-links.html

courage2

Roy, I understand -- I'm still lonesome sometimes, too -- though to be honest, mostly because I isolate myself or even push people away.

Abstinence on its own didn't solve a lot of the problems that either drove me into alcoholism, or were ingrained in me by a lifetime of drinking. I don't know if you'll accept this suggestion, but for the isolation and loneliness, going to meetings -- especially getting a home group -- really does help.

Alcoholics aren't joiners by nature, but this is a case where you might want to learn to go against nature.

doggonecarl

If by "give up" you mean drink, I hope venting works. Seems your addiction is riding your apathy to the finish line. Don't let it win. Drinking solves nothing.

zjw

Like you I find something I like and I'm all or nothing I can't moderate either it's just how I am. Unlike you tho I've kinda embraced it I'm ok with it but recently with my running my current obsession I suffered an injury and have been forced to slow down did I want to drink or worse over it ? Absolutly but over the course of a couple weeks I talked it out and I'm more at peace with having to slow it down some and do other stuff. I don't like it when my obsessions get screwed with either but I just push forward. I'd love to tell you to learn how to moderate but I know myself when I'm told that I just laugh and thing yeah right me moderate never! So I dunno try and work with your ability to obsess and find a new challenge to dive into? While you wait for your body to recoup so you can jump back into something else then maybe you'll look back and go hey I moderated or at least that was my attempt at it.

RoyGBiv

As usual I woke up glad I didn't drink last night and I am ok while I'm at work. I just know what I am going to feel like at 8pm again tonight.

doggonecarl

If you already know how you are going to feel like at 8, and from your posts that means miserable, I don't know what anyone can suggest. You've predetermined your misery. But I'm going to give it a shot.

Have a plan for 8 o'clock. Be somewhere, being doing something. And if you can be at an AA meeting, or a Starbucks, or a grocery store, or a movie, or the gym and you find that home is the only place you can do, have something planned. An activity that will take you away from your brooding for just a little while. You don't have to be passionate about that activity, you don't have to have expectations that it will bring you great joy or even make you happy. You will just do it. Something. Anything.

Because you have to get out of this rut you've put yourself in. You put yourself in it, only you can get yourself out.

Good luck.

Bunny211

Oh man I feel the way you just described fairly often. I am 9.5 months in.
Sometimes I feel like I am trudging through life. Like, what is the point of all of this? I'm not really happy. I don't really like my job. I don't like my domestic situation. I don't like where I live. I don't like my social life. Some days I just have to resort to "well, I am not on my hands and knees throwing up at 4am anymore." And sometimes that's the only thing I can find to be grateful for.

I have no real words of wisdom for you except to say that I understand were you're at because I am there too today.

tim68

I know exactly how you feel. I'm 41 days in this time. Had 90 days straight last year before I went back to it thinking I could handle it. Huge mistake. Like you I have a few things or hobbies I love. Cars and guitars for me. I spend stupid money on them. And well....booze.... that too was a hobby and an escape. Booze has been a tough goodbye for me. I think about it every day. Not to obsession, but the comfort vs the recovery factor of it. Always reflecting on my journey with it from my teens to my 40s. I realize the days of pure bliss from alcohol are gone. Kind of like wishing you could go back in time and relive those sweet times in your past, they are just gone forever. So I realize now that achieving that lovely buzz I so loved for decades comes at such a heavy price now at 47 years old. What used to take half a pint of rum now takes a fifth! What used to take a good night's sleep to recover now takes at least 36 hours. And that's not the only price to pay. The volume I now must consume to get that simple buzz causes panic attacks out of the blue for no reason. I have had dangerous drops in blood sugar because of the increased amount of alcohol see sawing my insulin levels that blur my vision, make me tremble and feel faint. I for the first time in my life started waking up with a sore jaw apparently from grinding my teeth. My sleep of course is terrible. Blood pressure through the roof etc etc. So for me this is one hobby that I must say goodbye too. I so miss the good times, I so want the good times back, but they are gone forever. I want that buzz back, that release and the peaceful relaxed feeling it gave me, but it's gone forever. I guess my "plan" is simply I wanna live. My destiny if drinking scares me more than I want to drink. And as you know, giving up anything you love is hard, but if you realize that it can be replaced with something better, you have to give it time. Take it slow, day by day. Reflect on your journey with alcohol honestly. When you have been drinking for years and continue, you take on a life of two steps forward and one step back. Don't be fooled. We are all one big bender away in which the sheer volume to achieve it might cost us an organ failure from which we won't ever recover. In these 41 days for me, all of those horrible symptoms are gone. Take time to meditate and appreciate the very simple and often under appreciated aspect of life which is feeling good and being healthy. I've learned from other alcoholics that there is no major number of days where the importance of alcohol in life fades away. It's different for everyone. This time I'm not putting a number on it. You can't. Keep going my friend.

Dave42001

Nice job on your time! Getting outside and being active has helped me so much! I mountain bike with some guys at work in their late 20's.. I'm 48.. They're so strong and have no fear, hard to keep up with those youngsters! Snow is melting, time to dust off the kayak!

Getting old sucks, I get up every morning something else hurts!

Keep up the great work, you're growing!! Good thing!! Huge!!

tursiops999

Hi Roy. As you've discovered, physical activity is a good outlet, but I found I need additional tools in the toolbox for those times when my body is objecting or injured.

I agree with the suggestion about having a place to be in the evening & some kind of activity planned, even if you're not excited about it right now. One of the best things is an activity that helps others ... is there some charitable program that needs evening volunteers? In my experience I can't fight the apathy just by wishing it away -- that gets to be a dark battle. I have to actively choose to do something positive.

That voice that wants you to give in is lying to you.

ru12

I think I know how you feel. Sometimes when the that despondency hit my only refuge was to meditate. Long distance running helped. Sometimes I just went to bed. Look there is nothing in abottle that is going to make your life better.

Dee74

Hi Roy

if you can only remember one thing, remember that there's no situation so bad a drink can't make worse.

Sounds like you're pretty down on yourself and expecting the worse. That can often be a self fullfilling prophecy.

If the expect the worse and do nothing to work against that outcome, the end result is already in place.

Have you ever had any counselling about negative self talk?

D

RoyGBiv

The decision to drink again would be tantamount to deciding on a very slow suicide, and giving in to the notion that nothing more positive awaits me from here on out. That any possible joy in life is behind me, it's gone, and I had my time. I also know deep down that a notion such as that is completely wrong.

I know I have a mentally ill form of thinking, clearly a manifestation of depression that I am just barely holding off. I recognize it as something I suffer from beyond just alcohol dependence.

I have tried counseling here twice, with no real improvement. I guess I can try again. I do talk about this with my physician.

But I am going to bed sober again. For the 190th time in a row. Lonely, but sober.

courage2

Yay, Roy!

I feel for you and I also feel with you. It can take a long time to start to see those windows opening to a better outlook. The clouds don't part long enough or often enough it seems. But if you persist with a program of recovery --including counseling maybe, or readings on alcoholism, or self-help groups, or all of the above -- I believe you'll find a happy and healthy life.

Dee74

One thing I believe is true is- as long as I'm sober anything can happen

You may have touched on some of these points, if not all of them, in counselling Roy but these articles were helpful for me

Challenging negative thinking | ReachOut.com Australia
Negative Self-Talk: 9 Ways To Silence Your Inner Critic
Challenging Negative Self-Talk | Psych Central
Positive thinking: Reduce stress by eliminating negative self-talk - Mayo Clinic
Change Your Inner Talk From Negative To Positive

Hoping they may help you too

D

least

When I was feeling dissatisfied with my sobriety, around three months, it was suggested I start practicing gratitude every day. It was hard at first, but now it's a habit to count my blessings. Puts me in a positive mindset instead of negative.

trachemys

Roy, carl had a good suggestion: plan, schedule, commit. Don't let the manic take over. I've got a lighted driving range near me where I can go any night of warm weather. I've got a one mile walking route in my apartment complex I can "hike" to keep in shape. I schedule house work. It really helps to not be standing there wondering what to do. Schedule says: Laundry! Ok, do laundry. Just like having a work schedule helps, a life schedule can help.

RoyGBiv

Some very useful advice, and I will check out those links after work.

I think I spent so much time alone as a practicing alcoholic that I feel the only way to be alone is intoxicated, so now that I am sans kids and sans girlfriend I am starting to stare that one down a little later in the game than usual.

I need to get into a gym so I can walk on an incline as little or as much as my knee can take. I might get stronger, I'll definitely benefit from time out among humans in a semi-social setting, even if I don't know them (at first) vs hiking in the woods alone all the time. But I have to get over my social anxiety to start. Once I am familiar with a place it gets easier. Again, I used to dull that out with booze, so I have to do it sober now.

I am as addicted to relationships as I am alcohol, I think. Not having either one at the same time is crushing. My thought process about not having a significant other is very similar to the one about not having alcohol.

and on the clock ticks.

Dave42001

I know a lot of people in the rooms have different opinions about this but I wanted to share because it helped me big time.

I partied like a rock star for 25+ years plus, a year ago I went through a horrible divorce, no kids involved thank God but I was in a haze and I never thought I was going to get over this issue. I was sober but had but felt hopeless and my mind was playing tricks on me, kinda how you're feeling.

My sister took me to her doctor and I talked to the man and told him what was going on and he prescribed me Cymbalta a SSRI.. I told my sister it was a bunch of BS and I didn't believe in the crap and it would never work for me. She pleaded with me to try it for a couple months and if it did't work to stop taking it, I agreed, I was willing to try anything at this point.

There's no doubt in my mind my mind was fried due to heavy drinking and all the drugs I took in my younger years. I'm originally from Texas four hours from the Mexican border, cocaine was a part of every young persons life and XTC was legal early 90's.

I've been on Cymbalta for 6 months now and it's helped me so much! it's not a drug that gets you high, it helps with chemical imbalances in the brain..

it might not be a solution for you, but its helped me so much! I thought my sister was crazy when she suggested it, I didn't believe in the crap.. Check with your doctor the next time you see him.. it's worth a try..

It helped me big time with some of the issues you're experiencing.. I was only on it for 6-8 months.. I was never into pills but this medication really helped me get through the dark times.. I'm weeks shy of a real year sober.. truly a gift from my HP...

Just wanted to share, hang in there and kudos on your 6 months!!