Vinificent

Seems so simple so why can't I just say it and mean it?? Yes this is a relapse post. I drank both Saturday and Sunday. Why? Because it was there. Because everyone else was. I don't need to go on - I am sure you all can fill in the 10000 reasons our AV have in stock and ready to go. Now I feel defeated and wonder if I will ever get through a weekend sober. So far in my 68 day journey I have only made it through two sober weekends. Not sure if all this beating myself up helps or hurts...well I know it hurts. I just need to learn to say it and mean it : I don't drink!

SoberLeigh

In time, Vinificent, you will say it, you will mean it, and you will be proud that you do.

I gained so much from truly appreciating every sober moment, every sober day; that appreciation eventually grew into a real love for sobriety.

ScottFromWI

Getting sober involves change - major change. It sounds like you are putting yourself right back into situations where "everyone is drinking". Most likely you will need to avoid those types of situations in the first place.

Drinking "because it was there" is also a pretty clear indication to me that you don't have a plan in place. If you did, you wouldn't be "there" to begin with. And if you did end up someplace where alcohol suddenly appeared, you'd have a plan to either leave or find something else to do instead of drink.

Have you followed any kind of formal recovery plan since you started trying to get sober?

tomsteve

i second what scott said.

i stood a snowballs chance in hell of staying sober if i kept hangin around wet places and wet faces.

Vinificent

Oh SoberLeigh it really is my goal. But I have relapsed so many times that I am afraid to say it out loud for fear of saying it to someone only to mess up again.
Scott - I hear what you are saying but I only have control over myself, not others, so I have to be able to say no in any situation, because I can't control every environment I find myself in will be "dry". I am still honing my plan, and for the most part works when I am in my own home, but I can't tell friends and family what to do in their own homes.
The good thing is that I honestly didn't even enjoy it. Seems every time I slip it seems less and less worth doing.

kittycat3

You might need to make some big changes regarding where you go, at least in early sobriety! Stay away from places where alcohol will be flowing - there is time for you to get comfortable with the words "I don't drink." For now, maybe focus on saying "no thanks."

advbike

C'mon man. If you were a recovering drug addict would you hang around other users who are shooting up? If you're serious about wanting to quit, then don't go places where people are drinking, for a few months.. simple. No stress..

Not very many people can be in those situations and not cave. Hang out at home or go to meetings if you want social interaction. Just for the first few months. Then ease into it as you build up the ability to say "No thanks, I don't drink"..

fini

No thanks - I don't drink


Seems so simple so why can't I just say it and mean it??

Vinificent,
that is a great question!
why can't you?
maybe it's because you don't mean it.
maybe you're not sure, not sure about just why you would not drink.

maybe spend some time with that.

how are you doing this evening?

ScottFromWI

Yes, you do have control over yourself, and that includes where you go a and who you spend time with. If you truly want to get sober, you will most likely need to spend some time away from people who drink - Even I including your family at times.

What exactly is your plan? If it works at home there are certainly ways to adapt it or add to it outside your home.

SoberinSyracuse

You can't control what other people do, but you can make smart decisions about where you choose to go. If you find yourself in a situation and feel tempted to drink, you can leave.

You're probably going to have to change your family/friend visitation habits if you seriously want to win this.

Thumpalumpacus

I feel that with my addict-self, this sort of thing is like a chess game. I know my last lapse began with going over to family's home knowing they would be serving. I think my addictive self was maneuvering so that my sober self would be in a weaker position to say "no" and mean it at the point of decision.

In that sense, there was a thread started last week by another member talking about how the groundwork for relapse is laid long before we break our sobriety, and that's a view I share. Being aware of the preliminary signs is an addition I've made to my plan that is helping me.

I've also found that "setting an appointment" for the urge helps: "Oh, you want a drink? Okay, next Friday." And when next Friday rolls around, the urge isn't there.

jobei

You can never completely avoid alcohol in life but you can do your best to limit your exposure to it. This helps a lot.

fantail

And remember: not going out so much at the start can be just for the start. My first time sober I really wore myself down by going out way too much... and it was actually because well meaning people here and in other settings kept telling me that I couldn't. And I was like, hell no am I living the rest of my life without going to social events or even a restaurant (as I've heard some people say). So I said yes to everything I normally would, which was tiring even though my friends aren't huge drinkers. Hanging out in a bar sober is still pretty rough, even when your crew is being reasonable.

Giving yourself a couple of months to dry out is not the same as giving up your social life forever. What about just aiming for one month to start? Just one month of not going to events that you know you'll want to drink at. It'll give you a chance to feel what sobriety is like.

JeffreyAK

I think for many people, continued sobriety depends more on the actions you take than on what you tell yourself you will or won't do. So if "just say no" isn't working, make plans instead! Things you will or won't do, and what you'll do to protect your sobriety.

You can decide not to go to events where everyone is drinking, for example, not because you can't ever go to them but because you can't go to them right now, in early recovery, without an unacceptable risk of relapse.

If you must go, you can decide to leave early after making a short appearance, or bookend the event with meetings before and after, or bring your phone so you can call someone who can talk you out of strong urges.

This is a long haul change of lifestyle, and it takes time to build up strength. Meanwhile, we have to put sobriety at top priority above all other things, until it gets easy later on.

least

To stay sober you have to want to be sober more than you want to drink.

Vinificent

Thump - you hit it here. Our groundwork is our mindset. We have to face every day as if there is going to be a drink pushed in our face. Now I know what I need to work on - how I will handle it and somehow find the strength to say I don't drink. Even now, a couple days after my lapse, I am still obsessing about what I could have done differently. I need to think of drinking alcohol as something I just don't do, like smoking cigarettes. If someone offered me a cigarette there would be nothing wrong with them offering it to me, and I would have no problem saying No thanks - I don't smoke.
Anyhow...it's only Tuesday but I am already starting to plan the weekend, trying to keep all activities high and dry!

Soberwolf

Hi Vinificent getting & staying sober is hard no doubt I also second Scott's post there is so much wisdom in Scott's posts

As for staying sober you just gotta get through it I always compare me getting sober to tom hanks getting off that island in the film castaway not sure if you have seen that

He basically couldnt get over the riptide wave and that wave to me is alcoholism and the island is where alcoholism kept me isolated & not sober

Anyway he builds this raft of sorts from makeshift materials off the island & from the crashed plane & gets over the wave !! these makeshift materials I compare to the hospital helping me with putting me in touch with ppl who could help me, AA helping me and tools I learnt along the way to help me build something strong enough to get over that wave

Eventually I did get over that wave !!

I could carry on with this story as I love as it speaks to me but just know that you can build a raft too

GnikNus

If you have only been sober a short time, then it is necessary to not be around people and situations where alcohol is readily available. It's very important in the early days. The temptation is too great because alcohol's memory is still greasy, and you haven't yet built up what I hear referred to on SR as "sober muscles.

I don't think your problem is "not wanting to be sober" enough. You're here, so that shows you really want sobriety. You're just putting yourself in an incredibly hard situation so early in recovery. Stay away from bars, parties, and social situations where there's alcohol- at least for six months to a year. If you have to deal with the social ramifications of that, then so be it. We're talking about life and death here.

Dee74

Old me was never able to say no.

I needed to put clear distance between that guy and the guy I wanted to be. I wanted to change and to grow and to reach my potential.

I couldn't do that living my old life.

I had to really work to make that growth and change - like a weightlifter lifting weights. Sober Muscles.

Onc e I had them I knew I could go anywhere with anyone and be ok (I didn't go back to my old hangouts and mates as it happens - I wanted more than that now - but thats another story)

Take some time out - embrace the need for change - & make a recovery plan.


http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ery-plans.html

Focus on what you really want and accept no distractions
you can do this

D

GnikNus

"Still greasy?" I need to turn off auto correct. I meant "alcohol's memory is still fresh."