behindblueyes

At 10am this morning, I went to the mall with my mom. Since I have been sober and away from bars (and this is a mall, no bar) I thought I was safe.

Mom pulls out a gift certificate for a new wine store. In our state, it is illegal to sell liquor but at state stores and at distributors so it had me shocked when I walked in and saw bottles everywhere.

10am and my mom and I are standing in front of wine bottles everywhere. She told me I need to help her pick enough out to equal 35 dollars. The clerk said we need to start doing "samples" of this and that.

I said jokingly "It's a little early for me!"
He said seriously "Well, it's 5 o'clock somewhere!" as if he knew I felt guilt.
I told him I am going to drive, I was out of reasons.
I couldn't admit to him and my mother that sampling would put me into a possible bender.

My mom was doing shots of all this wine and I just wanted out of there. I maintained my sobriety but why is it so hard to get people to accept "no" too?

advbike

Nothing personal behindblueyes, but.. you haven't told your own mother that you're not drinking??

And if you have, why wouldn't you just say NO to all that wine store crap? What "couldn't you admit to"?? that you're not drinking or that you can't handle being in a wine store where she's tasting samples at 10AM?

Sorry, but I just don't get that and I want to make sure that you know it's HER behavior that is abnormal. There is absolutely nothing wrong, or embarrassing about not drinking.. especially at 10 in the morning..

Che

I think it's because your answers sounded wishy washy and you were in a liquor store.

A firm 'No, thanks' is more effective than an excuse. Even outside of drinking, if someone invites you to do something you don't want to, not wanting to is a good enough reason and most people get it. To people who don't get it you just say "No." one more time, and who cares if they think you're a jerk. You tell someone politely and then you tell them without any frill. But "it's too early" is sending the opposite message, because it implies that you do drink and the only reason you don't want to is modesty / social repercussion. So he says 'it's okay I'm not judging' with a dumb joke, and even though 'I'm driving' is a serious reason, now it sounds like a lie because the first thing you said was different.

For some people it's really unnatural to say no directly, and in some cultures it's genuinely abrasive to be so direct, but not really in any western culture. So it's important to learn the skill, because in North America people usually do think of evasive answers as wanting encouragement.

Vinificent

Thank you all for the advice and support. I am reading it over because right now it's Friday morning, trying to exercise those sober muscles, to be able to say No thanks - I don't drink. I do hear all of you who encourage to stay away from "wet places" and all the plans I have made are "dry". It's my birthday on Sunday and when my family asked me where I wanted to go to celebrate I immediately chose a restaurant that doesn't serve alcohol. Yes I will be seeing friends who are not aware of my struggles to stay sober, and will no doubt be bringing gifts of wine, which up until a couple months ago would have been the only gift I wanted. So my plan is to accept the gift for what it is - a loving gesture from someone who is just trying to make me happy - then proceed to remove it from the house and re-gift it to some people in the office on Monday. And visit SR regularly throughout the weekend as a reminder that one drink will send me back to page 1.
Have a sparkling (water) weekend all!

waynetheking

Vin for me relapse is out of the question. It means certain death of a disease know as alcoholism. Are you an alcoholic? If you are then just quit drinking and wasting time with it. You'll be happier for it. You just have to give it time. So far you haven't done that yet. Just go one day at a time and eventually you'll wake up one morning and realize you never have to drink again.

Vinificent

So it's Friday night and I am tucking myself in bed. Made it through the first weekend night without drinking with some solid plans in place for tomorrow and tomorrow night. Still not having much luck making sober friends so still building those no thanks muscles 💪

SoberinSyracuse

Happy Birthday, Vin!

SoberinSyracuse

Everybody struggling to decline booze, or whose answers aren't being accepted, honestly, truly, try this:


Nobody but nobody has ever challenged me on that. Once in a while someone says, "That's great. I've been thinking about quitting, too."

If your answers sound like "Well I would drink except it's too early/I'm driving/I'm on a diet," etc. frankly it sounds like you're asking them to talk you into it.

Just say, "Thanks, but I don't drink." It works.

Vinificent

Than you Syracuse but it was last week. Didn't go too well but I am celebrating a birthday do-over yesterday and today by staying sober and happy 😁

dox

The way I see it, the self-consciousness or embarrassment of saying, "No." needs to be compared to the self-consciousness and embarrassment (and self-loathing) of the morning after.

Untreated, alcoholism is progressive.

The mornings after will get worse.

Recovery can also be progressive.

Saying, "No." will get better.

Vinificent

This ^^^^^

Aaaand I FINALLY made it through an entire weekend without drinking!! 😁😄😆

Starting out on the 8th day with a clear head and a grateful heart ❤

Building those sober muscles 💪for the upcoming Easter holiday weekend, which will inevitably bring some difficult moments. Thankful to know now that drinking will make it all much worse and hoping to be back here next Monday to report another sober weekend👌

uncorked

I agree with those who said to avoid social events where the alcohol is flowing. I got out of rehab in December (spent 7 weeks there) and I'm still not ready to be in those situations. If I'm at home, I'm fine. If I'm at lunch or dinner out, I'm fine. I don't trust myself -- yet -- to go further than that. If you truly want sobriety, don't tempt yourself. Find other ways to socialize -- the movies, playing sports or working out, etc. Just for a while.

Ken33xx

Exactly.

I've got a few old friends I simply can't be around too much. They still party and they brings back memories of when times were good. Especially smoking pot.

Ken33xx

Because you don't want to stop.

alcibiades

Hi Vin,

I think you would be surprised at the reactions of your friends when you tell them that you are giving your internal organs a break. Obviously, if you have a drinking problem, which I assume you do since you are here, your friends will be happy that you are taking control of the situation. I'm sure you'll get some surprised looks and raised eyebrows when you first start drinking soda at the bar, but friends that are worth that title will be supportive of your efforts. And if they are not supportive, they're not friends you want anyway. No loss there.
As others have said, if you simply cannot muster the self control and refrain from drinking everything in sight, removing yourself from the situation at all costs is absolutely essential. But if you can get over the social implications of refusing alcohol, you might find that you have more self-control than you think. At least that's been true with me.

Gottalife

Don't know about you, but I lost the power of choice. I couldn't say no. Didn't even think of it. I've seen it many times since. Wrong question, wrong answer - " "would you like a drink", "oh thanks", and its all over.

Still don't have the power of choice, yet I've been sober a long time. There is a solution. Depends what you are willing to do.