Ananda

I just wanted to share a "sorta" joke .... that made me laugh this morning... I have neuropathy and the test for it at the Dr's office is about poking my toes and using the "hammer" thing to check my reflex reactions.... This morning there are a lot of flies in our house...

How do you know that you have mild Neuropathy?

The flies on your arm tickle or irritate ... and you are totally unaware of the 20 files on your foot and legs

It just cracked me up ... cause I sometimes want a Dr's opinion (which yes is important) when it is all so obvious if I just pay attention it is mild so all is well

yinzer

Six weeks in and I wonder when the physical things will get better. I slept great when I was drinking and woke up rested, but now I'm fatigued half the time and can't sleep well most nights. I used to have weird jumpy sensations in my legs, but now they just hurt a LOT. I have a bit of forgetfulness, but that might be menopause as well.
I'm glad to read that it's not unusual to have physical symptoms for months and that things should get better. My medical tests all come up normal.

Ananda

YinZer,

Sorta why I started this thread is that although most alcoholism problems are able to be reversed in time, not all are. It depends on how long and how much you drank.

I spoke to my brother, also an alcoholic, about why I have these long term issues he doesn't have. It ends up that although we both drank on and off for 30-35 year or more, and although he drank as much as me, my "benders" were for many months or years as opposed to his being only for days or weeks. It is NOT a competition as to who was worse, but there is probably a difference in the damage done. My doctor has said many times to me that it is amazing how resilient the body (which includes the brain) is.

In general, sleep when sober is a lot more restful, but for me is sometimes less time. However sobriety can make us start to look at things that are hard, which can cause nightmares and night terrors as we work through it. When drunk, I often didn't have much issues with sleep other than the leg twitch and some nightmares and terrors at a low level. Sober I have whole body twitches and severe nightmares and terrors. That isn't about drinking ... I believe (and could be wrong) that that is about finally having to face some things and I have to have some therapy to work through that.

I really recommend having a doctor you can be honest with, a counselor you can work with, and if necessary a psychiatrist who can help with the right meds to help you make this journey. Unfortunately you are going to have to do a lot of the work, not only of working through things, but also of figuring out the right people to help you. Not all Doctors, counselors or psychiatrists are equal.

Please post as you go along.

PS: I'm in menopause too

Nands

yinzer

Ahh, menopause! Maybe that's why my "beer belly" isn't going away this time like it did when I cut back on drinking 18 years ago or quit for 6 months 25 years ago. As you can see, I have a long and sordid romance with alcohol as well, so I can't expect to feel like roses already. At least I don't have those feelings that I'm going to DIE anymore. I just feel pretty crappy overall.

OneIsTooMuch

For what it's worth -- I didn't quit until I was 61. That's an ocean of booze over the years. I think I had every possible physical complication from alcoholism when I finally stopped for good over two years ago. 😮

Gradually over the last 28 months my body has been healing itself and been doing a damn fine job albeit slowly. I am pretty sure I shortened my life span but I don't have a crystal ball and I am not going to worry about. I stopped drinking and am doing what I should in the way of lifestyle. Other than that it is out of my hands so I don't fret about it.

I am sure the consequences of the drink will always be with me to some extent but the trajectory now is up instead of down

Remember, getting and staying sober is a process not an event.

Ananda

You know ... I just have to say something and I'm sorry but....

Some people are lucky and everything just clears up over a few years. Some aren't that lucky.

Hanging on to the idea that by golly somehow this will just disappear or be minor in 2 years .... well that did not happen for me in every respect. I don't have 2 years right now, but when I did it didn't make it all go away.

Hope is a good thing, unless you are hanging your sobriety on a hope and prayer that may not happen.

Oh gosh ... I actually see I am over reacting!!!! argggh...

It is important to me that my "life style changes" include things like watching water temperature, dealing with tremors at work and home, and a myriad of other things. I can no longer stick my head in the sand and say "don't worry be happy" I have to take concreate steps to deal with the physical results of a full life of out of control drinking at least on a every 10 year basis.

I'm terribly sorry if I offend you OnIsTooMuch, (and even sorrier if I look like a jerk because I am pretty self centered). This is not really a response to you ... it is me vocalizing the strong feelings and emotions and thoughts that I had (and in that respect you are helping me cause I have to look at that stuff! )

It's just that there are a lot of threads that I can go to and be told it will be ok if I just don't drink. As I say many times, don't drink is the only answer as far as stopping further damage, and it's always possible that the problems in health will get better. It's just that what on earth do we do when those problems don't get better. And I mean solid practical answers, not "let it go" or "it is what it is" or "trust in god" .... what do we do on a daily basis to deal with these health issues (testing our water with a thermostat, holding on to the rail when we go up the stairs, getting up an hour early to accommodate the diaria and vomiting that pancreatitis and other alchohol related illnesses can cause even after we are sober).

this thread doesn't seem to really be helpful to anyone and I need to rethink it. This may be something I need to simply deal with on my own.

Thank you all ... and believe it or not I'm actually having a good day

OneIsTooMuch

That's ok. Honesty never upsets me (much!).

I am just relaying my experience. Not saying it will be the same for everyone as I know it won't.

I am terribly sorry you are suffering as you are and my comments are not intended to diminish your pain in any way. I recognize that everyone's journey is unique.

I wish you the best possible on yours.

Ananda

Thank you so much !

Like I said I can see that I like went over the top in reacting and you really only shared your experience ... it actually helped me so all is well.

Don't you think we learn when we work through these things on line?

Sometimes it is when we really react and come out on the other side with some understanding that it wasn't about anyone else, but how we react and where we are that defines our next steps

I also wish you the best, and believe that there will be a day where we will hold hands and help each other through a moment! That is what the most important part of life is about

sleepie

I don't think you are overreacting Ananda.
I too have a problem that will never go away no matter even if I'd never taken a drink in my life.
I think sometimes people just project, either from not knowing what else to do, or fear of their own situation or maybe even wanting to hope it will somehow all go away for you.

Its hard to be human.


That's my take anyway.

Ananda

I have put off posting. But tonight I am ready to share this. I struggled and struggled in the spring, and in the end I made the wrong decision.

I guess I can only hope that by sharing perhaps someone else will realize something and stop before the train wreck. I hate being the "poster child for why drinking is a bad idea", but it is what I am at the moment and I suspect that is ok.

I drank in May and by the 16th of May I was in the hospital. Severe pancreatitis attack, kidneys failing, heart issues, etc.... I was unconscious for almost a month and on a respirator and other tubes for a while...not sure how long...don't remember much very clearly.

I was on a walker until a week ago. l have progressed to a cane. So the kindly view is that things get better. The cardiologist is monitoring my heart and I see the neurologist in October. I have tests scheduled next week as my wonderfully forgiving doctors try to figure out how to help my pain issue and be certain of the cause. My family has suffered greatly and my son has nurtured me through the worst of the rehab. My workplace is loving and kind and trying to find a way to keep me employed while still seeing to it that the necessary work is handled if I should suffer reoccurring health issues.

Consequence's have never kept me (or for that matter, anyone I know) from drinking. But I do understand that if I drink again I will probably not die. Instead things will be painful and I will come out of another detox with things worse than they were before. If you think you have gone as far down as a person can go, alcohol is there to tell you there is a further down and it won't let you die.

I got out of the hospital in June, and the last week is the first week that I feel I am, perhaps, a step back toward the living instead of the living dead. I am not my illnesses.....my illness is just what my body is experiencing at the moment. I think that I (not my body) may be ok in a bit.

sorry if this is too morbid, self pitying or depressing. It's just that I hear that some people do get scared enough that they are able to stay of alcohol. So ...a cautionary tale.

Dee74

I'm really sorry you had to go through that Nands.

I also pushed things to the point where I'll never be the same physically.

I am very grateful for the second chance tho, and in the end the life I've gained sober has been worth many times over the drinking life I lost.


D

Gottalife

Sorry to hear this Amanda. As you say it is a powerful cautionary tale. The incredible thing is, earlier in this thread you were well aware of the dangers, for you, of drinking again. You had powerful medical advice that much of the damage had only been arrested and would not repair by stopping drinking, and would get worse if you drank again.

To any sane person, these are compelling reasons, medical advice and past and present suffering. Yet they were not sufficient to prevent you from taking the fatal first drink.

For me, neither those medical reasons or any human power could provide a defence against the first drink. I had to find another way. Maybe there is something more you need to be doing?

You said alcoholsm keeps people alive and suffering. I have heard that too. Only the lucky ones get to die. But my experience is they don't get to chose when. No one knows when the fatal first drink will lead to the end of the road. But it happens, quite a lot.

Delizadee

I am so sorry you went through that too. We can be awfully hard on ourselves hey?
I hope progress goes the right way for you... like Gottalife said, do you see an answer to keep yourself on a healthier or track, or at least a better path.
I am grateful for your posts, but I sure don't like hearing any of our SR family labeling themselves a "cautionary tale" because like Gal says, we don't get to choose when the end of the road is.
I hope you treat yourself kindly. And let's work together to not drink? I am glad you are here.

Opivotal

((Ananda)) I'm grateful you made it back to us.

I'm also so sorry this happened to you.

Thank you for sharing and your honesty.

Sending you healing hugs and my support.

Ananda

I want to thank all of you for all your kind words. I know I don't respond much, but I come to SR and read not just my threads but others as well and it has been some help.

I know that letting go of some of this stuff and moving on is important, but even though some people seem to be able to do that in seconds or days .... it does take me a bit longer.

I don't feel like I can write all my long term friends from SR to let them know how I'm doing, so I use this thread.

Things are moving in the right direction, but very slowly and as one friend told me a few months ago ... you'll be ok but things may get worse before they get better (and I say that with a smile).

The transition from my old job to my new one is very frightening and stressful even though it is a good direction. I didn't interview or anything cause this is just a lateral change that is part of an organizational plan for change. When I called my new boss a month ago, I told her that I am on a cane and some of the position description I would not be able to do (lift boxes and walk long distances each day). No one had told her, and I understand people don't want to make others focus on things that are just prejudice (like he's black, she has ugly scars), but I think it is important for people to know if you have issues that will have to be worked around. She was awesome. It isn't a problem at all. But (a good but) once she knew about my small limitations, they changed the plan to put me in an office that has easier access for issues like canes or perhaps walkers.

So things are good but scary I have a wig that I will be practicing putting on so I can wear it Monday. I always had fine thin hair, but after the last hospitalization and the stress the last few months ... well (LOL) I almost have no hair. I thought making this change with my new job would be a good idea.

I'm not one to come on here and try to be the cheery cheery Joy Joy voice. I just try to be honest. So I know that no one person can "save" me from my alcoholism. I know that fear of consequences will not save me from my alcoholism. I have not found that a god or higher power can save me from my alcoholism. But I do believe I can stay sober AND HAPPY if I do what I nee to do mentally, physically and in my ungodly faith

thank you to all of you again

sugarbear1

You are loved, Nands!

I wish you a smooth transition with your new job.

So good to see you on here!!!

Maudcat

Hi, Ananda. My sib is a lifelong drinker. Several years ago he had a withdrawal seizure that nearly killed him, put him in the hospital and, eventually, into life at a sober house. Lived there for around 3 years, clean and sober. He was the healthiest and clearest (in his head) that I had ever observed of him. It's amazing to me how much your body and brain can heal when alcohol is no longer in the picture. He moved back in with my mother and began drinking again. Today he is the same hot mess he was before. He looks a decade older than he is, he is very confused, and his hygiene is, well, nonexistent. He doesn't visit his physician, so we don't know what his overall health is. I am guessing, not good. I actually think that my 60 year old brother may predecease his 91 year old mother. In your shoes, I would try to keep a positive outlook. Our bodies have a remarkable ability to heal if given the chance. Peace.

Dee74

I'm really glad your employers are doing everything they can to help ease you in to your new position Nands

I bet you'll rock that wig too - best wishes!

D

Ananda

Hi guys!

I don't know yet if this is the long term effect of alcoholism or something else (Parkinsons or early dementia).

The new job is going great other than getting there and coming home

I like the people I work with and I think I will be happy not having the type of big picture responsibilities I had before.

The problem is that I keep forgetting things ... things that just go beyond anything I've seen in alcoholism. The neurologist is doing what she can, but there are so few of them in our area that the waits are long. She said that if no one calls to schedule me in the next 2 weeks for my memory problem I should let her know.

The Neuropathy tests won't happen till January, but her preliminary assessment is that I have almost no (or no) feeling in my toes and that is probably un-reversible. The end result is just that I will probably be on a cane and have a bit of trouble.

I've gotten lost on campus 2 times out of 2 times, and lost my car twice. Yesterday I was so exhausted and freaked out that some one stopped to help me and called the police to drive me through the parking garage to find my van.

Being on a cane, and getting worn out in 5 minutes is a drag ... but the not remembering things amps me up to total fear. They say that when you have dementia the hardest part is when you know you have it The hardest one that happened was when I couldn't remember where highway 24 was. The neurologist is concerned because I didn't remember, my son just told what to do.

You know ... now that I dumped ... I actually feel fairly confident that I'll figure out what to do When a lot of things are not going well it is easy to slide into anxiety or fear. I'm working with my support system to start looking reasonably at my options and not go over the top with blind negativity. Have quite a bit of hope

Delizadee

ananda it's good to see you! I'm sorry for the troubles you're having but your hopefulness makes me happy I hope some of these issues get figured out and hopefully get better. Keep coming back. You are resilient and a fighter. We need you here. Take great care of yourself!