My epiphany...
 

So last night I had this funny epiphany. I was thinking about how long it's taking me to get back up on my feet...it was then that I came to The realization that I have NEVER actually BEEN ON MY FEET.

My mind was blown because I realized that every moment I've lived after college when drinking career started, has not been really truly living. that time. Now it's about relearning everything they throwing out the old ways of thinking/existing.

The other reason I was able to look at my life and see that I haven't truly been living, is the the new job that I've obtained in my very recent sobriety. I'm very fortunate that one of my best friends from childhood has offered me a job working in her music studio which she built from the ground up.
Every day when I go to work now, I get to hear music played by students who range from beginners to advanced virtuosos/prodigies. My job is just being a receptionist and helping to learn to expand the business, but it feels good to be in the midst of people who are harnessing their energy into something they have a passion for. It makes me feel intimidated in a way and bad that I've been so lazy with my talents, but also inspired. I said again to myself yesterday, "so this is what people really do who are living, they go get things they want and do things they want they don't just sleep in bed until 3 o'clock in the afternoon after drinking everything in sight or come up with excuses not to learn new things."

Going hand-in-hand with drinking, I've always wondered if maybe I was just a really lazy person with zero work ethic, who just is content being a slug. I struggled/still struggle in my mind to determine whether it was laziness or fear…Has extreme fear of failure that stopped me from going out taking a risk and following my dreams. Drinking is just another way to put off thinking about these things and taking action. It allowed me to not have to think about what it really means to live. Now I'm not in my comfort zone and I'm forced to think about it without my numbing agent/crutch and it can be scary as hell, but it seems like it is going to be well worth it, if I can stay the course.
I'm really rambling on... Ha

I was like that too Rcvringaddict30 - 40 years old and never really stood on my own two feet.

After being scared of it for so long I tried it, liked it. and can;t imagien any other way now :)

D

That's really good to hear, Dee.:)

And I'm not going to lie, I'm still guilty of harboring fantasies in my mind about drinking moderately in the future, despite the fact that it's held me back and practically destroyed everything in my life.
Then I play the tape forward, and try to remind myself of the fact that it has kept me stuck thus far, and I will never be able to actually learn what it's like to be on my feet if I drink.
When I left work tonight, I felt a little odd because it was the first job I've ever had where I had to work later on a Friday night. My Friday nights were almost always happy hour and then binge drinking into the wee hours of the night. Well, now I work in a touristy town I've always considered a great party spot for me, where there are lots of bars, and of course people flood in on Friday nights and Saturday nights. I watched people walking to The BYOB restaurant with bottles of wine in hand, which is in the building I work, and had a twinge of envy. I thought about all the fun times I've had out in this town with friends. But then I reminded myself about all of the negative consequences, including driving the 30 minutes home after having a few of those cocktails in a town where Police are extremely vigilant about nabbing drunk people coming out of the bars. It's like shooting fish in a barrel in that area.

So, I told myself that it was okay cannot be out among the social gatherings at bars(even though that's all I've known and I am a very social butterfly), and it was okay to instead drive home unscathed directly from work and to order Chinese food...and then eat massive amounts in front of the television well checking in on SR.

And waking up grateful in the morning RC. Congratulations on the job, what a great place to work! Your doing great...keep playing it forward & enjoy your week-end:)

Thanks MG!
Enjoy your weekend as well!;)

What I find amazing is those epiphanies just keep on happening the longer I'm sober. Some are big some are small but I'm learning who I am and as importantly who I am not

That's really cool to hear, MIR! :)
Sobriety really does seem like being reborn or going back to that pure version of ourselves we were before we started drinking. It's like we stopped growing as people and have been stuck in arrested development throughout our drinking careers. I'm basically an adolescent at 37, living in an adult world and trying to learn what it means to be an adult when so many people are already leagues ahead of me.

I love this post and you've really hit the nail on the head. Coming out of addiction and into the light, we see for the first time what "life" is. It's being engaged with things that move you. It can be an exciting time, for sure! I'm 49 yo, 47 days sober, and having the same epiphanies as you.

Carpe diem.

Great post - and yep, I remember those "twinges" as well. Seeing Chicago restaurant patios fill up with drinkers...I used to think I was living in a self-imposed prison! But I avoided them, and stuck to the Chinese-food-at-home routine you mentioned. It worked! Eventually you'll get used to your new lifestyle, and start to change your views on what the words "FUN" and "RELAX" truly mean. Hanging out in dark bars between 10pm-2am isn't a place I want to be anymore, and I'm guessing you are ready to move on as well.

It sounds like you're finally learning how to live like a sober adult. It's pretty cool, really! Look forward to more of your posts!

The good news is a 37 year old adolescent is better than a 53 year old adolescent which is when I started growing up but I guess we all have to start somewhere

I love a epiphany congrats I'm 33 in recovery wouldn't swap it for anything what's that a million bucks ? keep that as mine is worth more than any amount this world could offer

Sobriety is the reason I'm alive il never forget that

Wow, thank you all for such great sharing your own insights and epiphanies!
We are all works in progress and as long as we keep realizing and learning, we are on the right path.;)

Thanks Sis!! And congrats on your 47...or by now 49 days? Sounds like you've definitely been hitting your stride in your new sober life.;)

You are awesome

This is an awesome thread :scoregood

My body is 57 yrs old; I am working on catching my insides up to my outside :lmao

:grouphug:

Hiya RA30, good on you for resisting the party temptations in your own damned building, that's nuts.

You were talking about those musicians and how they can stay focused. I can tell you from personal experience, we go into the studio sober because those are the recordings that will land us jobs, but the field is littered with folks who couldn't resist the lures. One thing I'm finding in my recovery is that my music is an important means of addressing so many different feelings I have now that they aren't anesthetized.

You had talked about learning an instrument. I'd highly recommend it -- it provides focus and relief both.

Keep on keepin' on, sweetie.

Thanks Soberwolf! You're awesome too!;)

And 2ndhandrose, I'm so glad you enjoyed this thread. I'm definitely trying to learn how to match my inner child to my adult exterior and I have a lot to learn! It's nice to know that others can relate. I feel like a lot of it is just faking it till I make it.
Yes, Thump, the building I work in as well as the town, is full of triggers and memories from my party days. When I feel tempted to join in the festivities, I think back to getting pulled over on my way home from this very town and actually getting a DUI which I had gotten dropped. That kills the fantasy pretty quickly. And I agree, that starting to play an instrument will really help to redirect my focus to a much healthier place.:)