Jackedjohn

I have hurt a lot of people because of my addictions with alcohol and drugs. A person in the friends and family section pointed out that sometimes those of us with addiction issues put almost all of our attention on sobriety and hardly ever mention those who we have hurt. This person, in my opinion, has a good point. In popular recover we are told that our sobriety is the most important thing we have because if we lose it… we lose everything. There is definite truth to this. However, at what point do we start turning our attention to those who we love and have hurt because of our addictions? I suggested that it has to happen once the consistent urges to drink/use subsides and thoughts other than sobriety are able to swirl around long enough to come out with a few coherent sentences.

In early recovery the guilt and shame from the things we have done are overwhelming. A lot of us kept drinking and drugging specifically to avoid having to feel those feelings. We are so sick over what we have done/are doing that we keep doing it to avoid feeling it. It is a vicious cycle. Those feelings of guilt and shame are not helpful to sobriety… so we are taught to subdue them “get out of your head” “you can’t change the past”. If we are not in the right state of mind, to bring these things back up can be detrimental to sobriety. However, for me anyway, the goal of sobriety isn’t just to be sober and chase meetings, it is to live life and part of living life is repairing those damaged relationships.

I have gotten beyond (for the most part) the guilt and shame from my active days and I am able to talk to those I have hurt with a clear head. I am fortunate enough to have people in my life who have educated themselves to know that it has to be a 2 way street. I know that I am responsible for what I have done and take on the responsibility as the amender. They know that it is their choice to stick around and by sticking around they agree to mutual respect and understanding as the amendee. They agree to their part of the contract as soon as they decide not to leave. The thought of being sober for the rest of our lives is almost impossible to imagine… it can be an overwhelming trigger to drink. The same goes for the thought that we are forever indebted to those who choose to stick around. It is too much and too stressful to think that we are enslaved to being on the hook for life as it pertains to making amends.

Because I am able to talk with my friends and family I am able to tell them that I am aware of what I have done without feeling guilt and shame. I can thank my parents for giving me a place to live at 34 because I lost my job. I can tell them that I know it was a not only a financial burden on them, but physically and emotionally draining. I acknowledge that I was a hurricane of terror to my girlfriend and that she never knew what state I would be in… would I be goofy and lovey or would I be angry and scary? I know she stayed up all night crying and worrying when I wouldn’t come home and slept in my car without letting her know I was alive. I was able to apologize to my brothers about how frequently I embarrassed them in front of family and friends and thanked them for not pressing charges when I lost my temper over a family dispute and hit them. It is only when the guilt and shame subsided was when I was able to do this and am still able to randomly let them know how much I appreciate them for sticking with me. Without their understanding and acceptance… this would have been infinitely more difficult.

The things I mentioned are such a miniscule amount of what I actually did. It would take 100 pages to list everything. But the thing I want the friends and family to know is that we do care. We do know what we did. We just ask you to be understanding long enough so that we can think of these things without wanting to drink or use while thinking about them because of the guilt and shame.

So this is an appreciation post for the friends and family of addicts/alcoholics and recovering addicts/alcoholics. If anyone else would like to show their appreciation for the ones who stuck by us…please feel free to reply. It feels good to appreciate. So thank you for all your support!

Jackedjohn

Maybe this person's point was more accurate than I thought?

spadge

Hi Im only on day six and although I feel alive again n so very happy, I can't help but feel guilty and ashamed for all the hurt I caused my
family but they stuck with me through thick and thin!

Now all I am hearing from them is "well done, so proud of you"! Pure unconditional love. The best way to say sorry is to become sober. xxx

Jackedjohn

Congrats on 6 days. The guilt and shame will subside, but I'm glad you can show some appreciation for those who stuck by you

OldTomato

Thank you for this post JJ. Like you mentioned in your post, one of the reasons I always crawled back to drink was because I felt guilty and ashamed of the loved ones I'd hurt/let down. I was drinking because I was a drunk (alcoholic logic)! Spadge made a good point that the best way to say sorry is to become sober. I agree with this, especially in the early days. I'm also on Day 6, and on previous attempts I've poured my heart out with apologies to people and asked for forgiveness before just returning to the drink. This time I'm stepping back from the guilt with plans to revisit it when I'm feeling stronger. The people who stuck by me did so in hopes of seeing me sober again, and I'm giving them that now - they're all genuinely proud and glad to have me back.

I am grateful every day for those who stuck by me, I have no idea where I'd be without them. My life would have been much worse. I'm going to tell them this one day, when I have more sobriety under my belt. They're not going to be empty words this time.

Jackedjohn

Congrats to you too on 6 days. I think we all tried the I'm sorry routine right after a bad day/night when the fog is clearing, but you may still have a buzz going. I think there are a couple problems with that. The bigger one being that whoever you are apologizing to probably is still really upset. So we are saying sorry from the idea or conditioning that we just should apologize without any real introspective thought and the person we are apologizing to is most likely responding with anger which is also counter productive. I think that can turn ugly quick... a recipe for a replay button.

OldTomato

You're right, I had my fair share of "I'm so sorry, it won't happen again. I'll stop drinking, I'll do this, and this, I'll get better" after I had to face the consequences of my actions the day after a bad night. Like you said, while I'm there still feeling a little buzzed or nursing a hangover people see right through me. I've been kicked out of peoples' houses, etc., regardless of those empty apologies and promises. Which of course lead me to pick up a bottle instead of seeking help.

But I would also make grand gestures each time I 'quit' drinking. I'd have a few days of sobriety and think "that's it, I've done it! I'm never drinking again, this is brilliant!". I'd tell people of my success and wholeheartedly apologise for everything I'd put them through - they'd forgive me and tell me how proud they are of me. Then I'd be blackout drunk a few days later and putting them through it all again, and increasing the amount of guilt I felt while I was at it!

These experiences have made me cautious about prematurely having these talks with people. I want to let them know how sorry, and how grateful, I am - but if I can't make my sobriety stick it'll just make it all the more painful for everyone involved if I pick up the bottle again. I need to concentrate on not doing that before anything else. Most are understanding of this... others not so much. But I can't dwell on that right now.

I'm looking forward to the day I'll be able to though! These people in my life are absolutely amazing! Forever grateful.

Jackedjohn

At least you know that. But the main thing is that we are sorry and we are grateful.... they need to know that and we need to tell them when it is safe and productive to do so.