How do you feel?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Nova Scotia
Posts: 801
How do you feel?
Well its just over 60 days and 90% of them very good and on the right road until yesterday. My AV has left me alone for the most part nut then yesterday while down and out with a wicked migraine, my better half informed me she is concerned about my sobriety.....I will be honest in that I am working my program hard and its working but OMG my AV has come to life and I am having a really tough time today.
Has people close to you accursed you or even referenced a relapse and what did you do?
Thanks
Andrew
Has people close to you accursed you or even referenced a relapse and what did you do?
Thanks
Andrew
quat
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: terra (mostly)firma
Posts: 4,823
The answer to the AV is always NO, though I would recognize that Its' argument/whining may change theme, but only slightly as Its' goal was always the same eg get alcohol in the pie hole and down the throat.
I would reflect on the fact that prior to the whining, either the immediate past or even a day or two in the past, I did not put alcohol in the pie hole and my rear end was still intact.
Regardless anyone's observation about a possible relapse the answer is still NO , be careful not to give It ammo .
Starve it out, you go thtis
I would reflect on the fact that prior to the whining, either the immediate past or even a day or two in the past, I did not put alcohol in the pie hole and my rear end was still intact.
Regardless anyone's observation about a possible relapse the answer is still NO , be careful not to give It ammo .
Starve it out, you go thtis
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
i was sober for some time when my sponsor said i was on a pre meditated drunk.
instead of having humility and asking how he sees it i let pride and ego run wild- i know better than him!!!!
Welp, it took about another month or so, but the f-its hit and i was heading to the store for a 12 pack-after a shower, which during that shower it hit me how insane that thought was and that id been working on it for months.
i havent had anyone say i was heading for a drunk since, but have had people that know me good mention my thinking,words, and/or actions are getting screwy. the best results have been when i exhibit humility and take a look at myself.
maybe talk to yer better half and find out whats being seen/heard from her perspective?
instead of having humility and asking how he sees it i let pride and ego run wild- i know better than him!!!!
Welp, it took about another month or so, but the f-its hit and i was heading to the store for a 12 pack-after a shower, which during that shower it hit me how insane that thought was and that id been working on it for months.
i havent had anyone say i was heading for a drunk since, but have had people that know me good mention my thinking,words, and/or actions are getting screwy. the best results have been when i exhibit humility and take a look at myself.
maybe talk to yer better half and find out whats being seen/heard from her perspective?
You can have reasons, or you can have results, but you can't have both.
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Syracuse, NY
Posts: 1,232
Sorry 'bout the migraine. They do stink indeed. But congrats on the sober time. That's good stuff.
I have both the luxury and curse of not being in a relationship right now. So, I don't really have to explain myself to anybody. Nobody's poking and prodding me about my status.
That being said, I do hear an occasional ignorant or intrusive remark. Most folks are getting their education from sensationalized "addiction reality" shows or 12-step philosophy (which is not relevant to how I personally tick).
So... I think even though it's from your partner, your best bet is to let it roll off. Just keep doin' what you're doin,' 'cuz it's working.
I have both the luxury and curse of not being in a relationship right now. So, I don't really have to explain myself to anybody. Nobody's poking and prodding me about my status.
That being said, I do hear an occasional ignorant or intrusive remark. Most folks are getting their education from sensationalized "addiction reality" shows or 12-step philosophy (which is not relevant to how I personally tick).
So... I think even though it's from your partner, your best bet is to let it roll off. Just keep doin' what you're doin,' 'cuz it's working.
Do your best
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 67,047
Hi Al, when Mrs sw moved back in I could tell she was scared about me drinking again and I could never blame her for that, that was on me
I also agree with TomSteve i had to see where I was headed before I got there and I could tell it was my thinking in early sobriety that could lead to a relapse I could either choose to ignore my part which was 99.9% or face up to my thinking actions and reactions and get help changing & bettering myself it takes time and I'm still a work in progress today but its a lot easier today
Seeing my part in things helped me to change
Is al anon a option ?
I also agree with TomSteve i had to see where I was headed before I got there and I could tell it was my thinking in early sobriety that could lead to a relapse I could either choose to ignore my part which was 99.9% or face up to my thinking actions and reactions and get help changing & bettering myself it takes time and I'm still a work in progress today but its a lot easier today
Seeing my part in things helped me to change
Is al anon a option ?
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,432
some great advice here A.
Your partner's reaction is probably predicated on fear, and on who you used to be, not on who you are now.
Showing her who you are now is the best way forward here IMO.
This is an opportunity for growth and communition, not resentment anger and thoughts of drinking.
Leave that guy in the past where he belongs
D
Your partner's reaction is probably predicated on fear, and on who you used to be, not on who you are now.
Showing her who you are now is the best way forward here IMO.
This is an opportunity for growth and communition, not resentment anger and thoughts of drinking.
Leave that guy in the past where he belongs
D
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 5,229
i havent been accused or something like that. but i know early on for a while there it seemed like my SO was out to send me into relapse. almost like some people just dont want to see you better yourself. like your trying to climb up on this pedestal and everyone wants to try and knock you off it.
In my case I just kept pushing forward and tried to ignore anything that would prevent me from being sober. take what you want from me but your not getting my sobriety is how i saw it.
these days its diff however. Like a day like today and well the past few days i've been depressed and getting that throw in the towell kinda thinking. I'm smart enough to let it ride and not give into it. I knwo it'll pass.
at this time I just need a few consecutive good days and i'll be smileing again i can get them. no need to pickup.
In my case I just kept pushing forward and tried to ignore anything that would prevent me from being sober. take what you want from me but your not getting my sobriety is how i saw it.
these days its diff however. Like a day like today and well the past few days i've been depressed and getting that throw in the towell kinda thinking. I'm smart enough to let it ride and not give into it. I knwo it'll pass.
at this time I just need a few consecutive good days and i'll be smileing again i can get them. no need to pickup.
Life Goes On
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
I think you should ask your wife what she sees or perceives. She may be onto something that you aren't seeing. Or she may benefit from your responses to her perceptions.
The second or third weekend I was sober, my daughter was convinced I'd been drinking because (1) I slept virtually all weekend and (2) I didn't take Antabuse. Really, I couldn't blame her for her suspicions. The truth was (1) I was exhausted and so (2) didn't need the Antabuse. All I could do is tell her, once, the above information. It took her just over a week to relax again.
In the end, actions speak way louder than words.
The second or third weekend I was sober, my daughter was convinced I'd been drinking because (1) I slept virtually all weekend and (2) I didn't take Antabuse. Really, I couldn't blame her for her suspicions. The truth was (1) I was exhausted and so (2) didn't need the Antabuse. All I could do is tell her, once, the above information. It took her just over a week to relax again.
In the end, actions speak way louder than words.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 3,163
Andrew,
It has always been hard for me when people don't trust me, even when I know that they have good reason to doubt.
For me, defensiveness is a form of anger which is a reaction to fear. Something about her doubt is triggering a fear reaction. For me, this would be because her lack of trust made me feel unworthy, and my reaction is to scream but I am, see how good I have been, etc etc.
When my reaction should be to explore why she might be feeling this way, give her comfort, and use this as a way to get closer to each other in this process.
I am with Obladi on this one, I would talk with her about you when you are feeling better. If I can find a way to turn away from defensiveness into a more positive mindset I have won the battle.
It has always been hard for me when people don't trust me, even when I know that they have good reason to doubt.
For me, defensiveness is a form of anger which is a reaction to fear. Something about her doubt is triggering a fear reaction. For me, this would be because her lack of trust made me feel unworthy, and my reaction is to scream but I am, see how good I have been, etc etc.
When my reaction should be to explore why she might be feeling this way, give her comfort, and use this as a way to get closer to each other in this process.
I am with Obladi on this one, I would talk with her about you when you are feeling better. If I can find a way to turn away from defensiveness into a more positive mindset I have won the battle.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
AL your AV has popped up because you're exceptionally stressed. It's not welcome, but it gives you a clue to your triggers, and your body's reaction to them. Use this information to strengthen your resolve.
Look on it as an almost mechanical reaction - the body is turning to it's usual release from tension. You can sit outside this. Take deep slow breaths, concentrating on you body to ease the tension. It's always helped me.
Look on it as an almost mechanical reaction - the body is turning to it's usual release from tension. You can sit outside this. Take deep slow breaths, concentrating on you body to ease the tension. It's always helped me.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Nova Scotia
Posts: 801
Originally Posted by least 
If I was accused of relapsing, I would ignore it as I know the truth: that I'm sober.
Guest
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: The Deep South
Posts: 14,636
Originally Posted by ALinNS
I agree but what I do not understand is why its such a powerful trigger. I see my addictions counselor at 10, I will be honest my AV is telling me to just drink since that is the thought she has and I am doing everything I can think of too stay sober, this is hell
I think it's quite an insult to your new sobriety that you've been accused of drinking again. Though it's quite common. Loved ones are understandably terrified that we might drink again, especially early on.
Try to let it go if you can. I think it says more about the person doing the accusing than the one being accused.
Stay strong.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,432
I can tell you what I felt when I was accused - I felt anger I felt injustice and sadness - but I also felt shame because I knew only a few weeks before it would have been true, and I'd gotten away with it many many times.
there's more than enough there for an AV to feed off, A.
D
there's more than enough there for an AV to feed off, A.
D
Alive in the Superunknown
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: 30.47ºN, 98.15ºW
Posts: 1,460
I just happened to be listening to this song when I opened this thread ... talk about synchronicity:
Friend, You've Got to Fall
Well, well, I can hear the treetops in the distance
I can see your hollowed eyes
What have you done to yourself in this instance?
I guess it comes as no surprise
Well, I can see the billboards in the distance
Writing is on every wall
Oh, I don't wanna know about your business
Sooner or later, friend, you've got to fall
Well, every night it's gotta be adventure
The way you live your life's a crime
And if you're guilty, will you serve the sentence?
You're already doing time
There's nothing wrong with having aspirations
Nothing wrong with walking tall
But if misfortune deals the consequences
Sooner or later, friend, you've got to fall
I know the difference, and you keep your distance
I don't wanna know what you've got
Is it pathetic to be sympathetic?
Maybe you don't wanna get caught
Caught up in something that's real
Could last for a lifetime
Nothing like, nothing like the disease
Disease that's in your mind
Well, I know the difference
There's nothing wrong with having aspirations
Nothing wrong with walking tall
But if misfortune deals the consequences
Sooner or later, friend, you've got to fall
Well, I can see your life disintegrating
Into ashes in your hand
And I know you wouldn't wanna tell me
What is wrong 'cause you're a man
And I can see the billboards in the distance
Writing is on every wall
I don't wanna know about your business
Sooner or later, friend, you've got to fall
You've got to fall
You've got to fall
You've got to fall
©1987 Robert Mould
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D3bvLdcfoDA
Well, well, I can hear the treetops in the distance
I can see your hollowed eyes
What have you done to yourself in this instance?
I guess it comes as no surprise
Well, I can see the billboards in the distance
Writing is on every wall
Oh, I don't wanna know about your business
Sooner or later, friend, you've got to fall
Well, every night it's gotta be adventure
The way you live your life's a crime
And if you're guilty, will you serve the sentence?
You're already doing time
There's nothing wrong with having aspirations
Nothing wrong with walking tall
But if misfortune deals the consequences
Sooner or later, friend, you've got to fall
I know the difference, and you keep your distance
I don't wanna know what you've got
Is it pathetic to be sympathetic?
Maybe you don't wanna get caught
Caught up in something that's real
Could last for a lifetime
Nothing like, nothing like the disease
Disease that's in your mind
Well, I know the difference
There's nothing wrong with having aspirations
Nothing wrong with walking tall
But if misfortune deals the consequences
Sooner or later, friend, you've got to fall
Well, I can see your life disintegrating
Into ashes in your hand
And I know you wouldn't wanna tell me
What is wrong 'cause you're a man
And I can see the billboards in the distance
Writing is on every wall
I don't wanna know about your business
Sooner or later, friend, you've got to fall
You've got to fall
You've got to fall
You've got to fall
©1987 Robert Mould
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D3bvLdcfoDA
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
You are doing all the right things AlinNS. Make sure you discuss this with your counselor today too. It's important to remember that all these things you are experiencing are mostly feelings...and they are hard to deal with. Especially when our default reaction was to simply run away and get drunk when they happened in the past. It will take time, but you will learn to realize that you have control over how you react to feelings....they do not dictate your actions.
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