Realization
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Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: Washington DC
Posts: 5
Realization
Hi All,
Yesterday it came to me. I have a drinking problem. Well, I knew I had one but yesterday was the first day I could say it to myself.
Some may laugh at what I classify as a problem. Others may say, "yeah, dude, you have a problem." It's all relative I guess. But I am recognizing that for me I have crossed the line at what is healthy and responsible for my body and well being.
After reading much about "levels" some might classify me as a functional alcoholic. I do not drink during the day at all. Nor feel the need to as I enjoy awareness and responsibility with both work, exercise, and daily routines. But at 5:00PM (that magical hour), or a bit later if doing a post work gym run, I begin my evening foray into alcohol. Usually, not always, I finish the night off at this point with about 325 ML of Vodka and a beer or glass of wine. It was not always like this. Originally I would be fine with one martini in the evening and a single glass of wine. Gradually it increased to the point that you don't even notice. Until one day (a few years ago) you realize that a bottle of vodka barely lasts two days.
I rarely wake up with a hangover (maybe once a week - a mild one - mostly when traveling and the ease of a bottle at arms length in my hotel room each evening goes down like water) but most of the time I am nicely buzzed. Never "drunk." Fully functional. But I know that my body is beginning to feel the effects of this going on now for some time and warning me to stop.
The most dangerous thing I recognize in myself now is that I look forward to the start of evening drinks and I have never in years not had them. To the point that it is a habit and I have trouble imagining an evening without them.
So here I am today at the moment of recognizing that I need to do something. I feel I am reaching a point where the next level is not too far ahead in the future. Beginning the process of recognizing that I have a problem and that I will not go down the path of my biological father who let alcoholism destroy a good part of his life and left me without ever experiencing a father relationship in my life.
What makes this hardest is work. I run a successful company and have a public profile. With this I travel 250 days a year around the world putting me into situations in hotels, dinners - everywhere where the opportunity is more than present and easy. Further, most of it is alone. Needless to say I am hoping that I can do this without any sort of formal detox or rehab as I don't have time and do not want this on any medical history or publicly known.
Given the positive that I function fine during the day without any drinks I have decided to begin a process of tapering today. I want to see how this works and if it can lead to my ability to eventually fully detox for some days and even perhaps allow me to become a responsible drinker again. I know that everyone is different. I know that this will meet with criticism by some. And perhaps rightfully. But after reading a great deal over the past 24 hours this seems it may offer me a good fit.
Thanks for reading and hearing my story. I would love some feedback from others who have experience with this and were perhaps at my own level of (abuse?).
Yesterday it came to me. I have a drinking problem. Well, I knew I had one but yesterday was the first day I could say it to myself.
Some may laugh at what I classify as a problem. Others may say, "yeah, dude, you have a problem." It's all relative I guess. But I am recognizing that for me I have crossed the line at what is healthy and responsible for my body and well being.
After reading much about "levels" some might classify me as a functional alcoholic. I do not drink during the day at all. Nor feel the need to as I enjoy awareness and responsibility with both work, exercise, and daily routines. But at 5:00PM (that magical hour), or a bit later if doing a post work gym run, I begin my evening foray into alcohol. Usually, not always, I finish the night off at this point with about 325 ML of Vodka and a beer or glass of wine. It was not always like this. Originally I would be fine with one martini in the evening and a single glass of wine. Gradually it increased to the point that you don't even notice. Until one day (a few years ago) you realize that a bottle of vodka barely lasts two days.
I rarely wake up with a hangover (maybe once a week - a mild one - mostly when traveling and the ease of a bottle at arms length in my hotel room each evening goes down like water) but most of the time I am nicely buzzed. Never "drunk." Fully functional. But I know that my body is beginning to feel the effects of this going on now for some time and warning me to stop.
The most dangerous thing I recognize in myself now is that I look forward to the start of evening drinks and I have never in years not had them. To the point that it is a habit and I have trouble imagining an evening without them.
So here I am today at the moment of recognizing that I need to do something. I feel I am reaching a point where the next level is not too far ahead in the future. Beginning the process of recognizing that I have a problem and that I will not go down the path of my biological father who let alcoholism destroy a good part of his life and left me without ever experiencing a father relationship in my life.
What makes this hardest is work. I run a successful company and have a public profile. With this I travel 250 days a year around the world putting me into situations in hotels, dinners - everywhere where the opportunity is more than present and easy. Further, most of it is alone. Needless to say I am hoping that I can do this without any sort of formal detox or rehab as I don't have time and do not want this on any medical history or publicly known.
Given the positive that I function fine during the day without any drinks I have decided to begin a process of tapering today. I want to see how this works and if it can lead to my ability to eventually fully detox for some days and even perhaps allow me to become a responsible drinker again. I know that everyone is different. I know that this will meet with criticism by some. And perhaps rightfully. But after reading a great deal over the past 24 hours this seems it may offer me a good fit.
Thanks for reading and hearing my story. I would love some feedback from others who have experience with this and were perhaps at my own level of (abuse?).
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Welcome eyechip. I think you've made a very important conclusion - that only you can decide if your drinking is a problem. How much and when you drink is not always relevant. Alcoholism generally progresses over time and you seem to be experiencing that with your increased consumption and cravings. The fact that you don't think you can just stop is a red flag as well.
Another telling sign is that you have already stated several barriers to you being able to stop and things that you aren't willing to do. AKA - you've already ruled out detox and or rehab because you "don't want to".
It is certainly possible that you are not an alcoholic...and your plan to taper down and attempt to resume "moderate" drinking will answer that for you. Know that it is impossible for a true alcoholic to ever do this, and it has been attempted many times by just about everyone here with the same result....a return to old drinking levels - or worse.
You are more than welcome here, but please remember that this is a sobriety forum first and foremost - you will not find support for moderated drinking.
Another telling sign is that you have already stated several barriers to you being able to stop and things that you aren't willing to do. AKA - you've already ruled out detox and or rehab because you "don't want to".
It is certainly possible that you are not an alcoholic...and your plan to taper down and attempt to resume "moderate" drinking will answer that for you. Know that it is impossible for a true alcoholic to ever do this, and it has been attempted many times by just about everyone here with the same result....a return to old drinking levels - or worse.
You are more than welcome here, but please remember that this is a sobriety forum first and foremost - you will not find support for moderated drinking.
You can have reasons, or you can have results, but you can't have both.
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Syracuse, NY
Posts: 1,232
Word of advice: Get off the train NOW while you're still "functional." The train is progressing whether you realize it or not... Keep drinking and you will lose "functionality."
Secondly, if something is problem to YOU, in YOUR mind...it's a problem! You don't need anybody else to affirm it. You're posting here because you know in your heart that life would be better without this "problem."
By all means implement your taper but don't be discouraged if you find that very hard. A lot of people literally CANNOT taper due to addiction. If you try tapering for a short time and find yourself deviating from the taper plan even once... don't be discouraged but DO come up with a QUIT plan.
Suggestion: Formulate your QUIT plan now, so you have it in your hip pocket if the taper doesn't work.
Secondly, if something is problem to YOU, in YOUR mind...it's a problem! You don't need anybody else to affirm it. You're posting here because you know in your heart that life would be better without this "problem."
By all means implement your taper but don't be discouraged if you find that very hard. A lot of people literally CANNOT taper due to addiction. If you try tapering for a short time and find yourself deviating from the taper plan even once... don't be discouraged but DO come up with a QUIT plan.
Suggestion: Formulate your QUIT plan now, so you have it in your hip pocket if the taper doesn't work.
You can have reasons, or you can have results, but you can't have both.
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Syracuse, NY
Posts: 1,232
And yes, I was in a similar type of career and at your "level" of abuse for about 15 years. It constituted the middle chapter of my descent into addiction. I struggled during that time to avoid the stigmatizing signs of alcoholism -- rehab, detox, etc. I fought like hell to return to moderation and spent thousands of dollars on various "moderation" programs. During that time, my top priority was to make sure that I would be able to continue to drink. I wanted the "drinking problem" to go away but not the drinking.
In the last two years of my drinking career, my "functionality" went down the tubes. For me, the only solution was to QUIT. I went through detox, never did really find a formal rehab plan that suited me, but am now very much enjoying my sobriety. My "functionality" has more than returned -- it's at a higher level than ever.
My "problem" was finally solved when I made my quality of life and personal achievement MORE important than being able to drink.
In the last two years of my drinking career, my "functionality" went down the tubes. For me, the only solution was to QUIT. I went through detox, never did really find a formal rehab plan that suited me, but am now very much enjoying my sobriety. My "functionality" has more than returned -- it's at a higher level than ever.
My "problem" was finally solved when I made my quality of life and personal achievement MORE important than being able to drink.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 1,183
Congrats on making a decision to do something!
I drank similar to you, before things started to get out of control and spiraled quickly down the hole with accumulating negative consequences. Actually the tipping point, looking back, was when I gave myself permission to drink every night (previously it had been Friday/Saturday nights only), but I still held it together drinking around half a bottle of booze every night for a few years. I tried cutting back, but I was never successful at it for long, and gradually the volume increased instead.
You'll learn for yourself how successful you are at cutting back. I'm sure there are people who can do it, maybe you're one of those people, but in my experience they are rare among people who drink as much as you say you do. Abstinence is actually much easier, and you'll find that no one else (who doesn't have a drinking problem) cares if you drink alcohol or soda or nothing at social events.
Have you thought about making a solemn decision to not drink a drop of alcohol for, say, 3 months? See how you view your situation then?
I drank similar to you, before things started to get out of control and spiraled quickly down the hole with accumulating negative consequences. Actually the tipping point, looking back, was when I gave myself permission to drink every night (previously it had been Friday/Saturday nights only), but I still held it together drinking around half a bottle of booze every night for a few years. I tried cutting back, but I was never successful at it for long, and gradually the volume increased instead.
You'll learn for yourself how successful you are at cutting back. I'm sure there are people who can do it, maybe you're one of those people, but in my experience they are rare among people who drink as much as you say you do. Abstinence is actually much easier, and you'll find that no one else (who doesn't have a drinking problem) cares if you drink alcohol or soda or nothing at social events.
Have you thought about making a solemn decision to not drink a drop of alcohol for, say, 3 months? See how you view your situation then?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 120,872
Welcome to SR, eyechip; glad that you found us.
There's some very good advice in the response posts above.
There are some very good SR links regarding the formulation of a plan which I will post for you in a minute.
You may also want to join an SR Class so that you can give and receive support to and from with people who are at the stage as you in their sober journey. I will post that link, also.
There's some very good advice in the response posts above.
There are some very good SR links regarding the formulation of a plan which I will post for you in a minute.
You may also want to join an SR Class so that you can give and receive support to and from with people who are at the stage as you in their sober journey. I will post that link, also.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 120,872
Here are the links, eyechip:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...highlight=psst
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-part-3-a.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...highlight=psst
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-part-3-a.html
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: Washington DC
Posts: 5
Thank you both and the advice is excellent. I get the message and assure you that I will respect this forum as being one of sobriety only.
In response to your advice for a plan I say I agree and find it sage indeed. Thus, my "hip pocket" plan B will be that If I am unable to maintain a taper now (emotionally or physically) with an eye to eventual complete detox and no reverting to current patterns than I will seek outside help. No second chances as well. Period. If I can't do this once than I recognize the problem is beyond my ability to control it alone.
In response to your advice for a plan I say I agree and find it sage indeed. Thus, my "hip pocket" plan B will be that If I am unable to maintain a taper now (emotionally or physically) with an eye to eventual complete detox and no reverting to current patterns than I will seek outside help. No second chances as well. Period. If I can't do this once than I recognize the problem is beyond my ability to control it alone.
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Originally Posted by eyechip 
Thus, my "hip pocket" plan B will be that If I am unable to maintain a taper now (emotionally or physically) with an eye to eventual complete detox and no reverting to current patterns than I will seek outside help. No second chances as well. Period. If I can't do this once than I recognize the problem is beyond my ability to control it alone.
On another note, please also be aware that there is always the potential danger of serious withdrawal complications, even with tapering. While relatively rare, it's something you need to be aware of - and if you've never tried to quit before you really have no idea how your body and mind will react. Just be safe and seek medical help if things don't feel right.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 26
Originally Posted by eyechip
Some may laugh at what I classify as a problem. Others may say, "yeah, dude, you have a problem." It's all relative I guess. But I am recognizing that for me I have crossed the line at what is healthy and responsible for my body and well being.
It was not always like this. Originally I would be fine with one martini in the evening and a single glass of wine. Gradually it increased to the point that you don't even notice. Until one day (a few years ago) you realize that a bottle of vodka barely lasts two days.
. . . and that I will not go down the path of my biological father who let alcoholism destroy a good part of his life and left me without ever experiencing a father relationship in my life.
Needless to say I am hoping that I can do this without any sort of formal detox or rehab as I don't have time and do not want this on any medical history or publicly known.
I would love some feedback from others who have experience with this and were perhaps at my own level of (abuse?).
I will use myself as an example. Not only do I have a father whose life has been ruined by alcoholism, but I have in recent months had to do things like take him to the ER because he spontaneously decided to stop drinking (this also doesn't fit the usual story line of an alcoholic) and then got to be there when the doctor told him that, no, not knowing what day of the week it is or what year it is is not normal short-term memory loss for an 83 year old, but that his symptoms are consistent with alcohol related dementia. Personally, I found the whole thing disgusting.
However, I also had a significant drinking history many years ago. I had developed some level of tolerance. I was able to stop outside of any detox or recovery program (although I did have some withdrawl symtpoms). For some period of time I drank moderately. And did some binge drinking. And drank moderately again. But after a while I began to have really strong cravings to drink in response to emotional distress. Over the years, I have continued to have cravings from time to time. I have been struggling with the most difficult bout of cravings since I've been dealing with my father. In other words, as disgusted as I am with what alcohol has done to him, I have really strong a compulsion to drink.
So, yeah, I don't seem like an alcoholic. And maybe there some technical sense in which I'm not. But my mental obsession with alcohol is not normal, and I'm also certain that if I were to drink again, what happens next would be completely unpredictable and one way or another very not good. So in the interest of not ending up like my father, and so that my children never ever see me drunk, I have started going to AA.
Best of luck on your journey to sobriety.
--YA
You can have reasons, or you can have results, but you can't have both.
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Syracuse, NY
Posts: 1,232
Originally Posted by eyechip
Thank you both and the advice is excellent. I get the message and assure you that I will respect this forum as being one of sobriety only.
In response to your advice for a plan I say I agree and find it sage indeed. Thus, my "hip pocket" plan B will be that If I am unable to maintain a taper now (emotionally or physically) with an eye to eventual complete detox and no reverting to current patterns than I will seek outside help. No second chances as well. Period. If I can't do this once than I recognize the problem is beyond my ability to control it alone.
In response to your advice for a plan I say I agree and find it sage indeed. Thus, my "hip pocket" plan B will be that If I am unable to maintain a taper now (emotionally or physically) with an eye to eventual complete detox and no reverting to current patterns than I will seek outside help. No second chances as well. Period. If I can't do this once than I recognize the problem is beyond my ability to control it alone.
What's your taper plan and timeline?
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Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
Originally Posted by eyechip
After reading much about "levels" some might classify me as a functional alcoholic.
Our addiction is strange. You recognize that you have a problem, yet your solution is the one that allows you to keep drinking (tapering, future moderation).
I hope you succeed. There is much to be learned in the struggle.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: Washington DC
Posts: 5
@Yoga Want to thank you for such a detailed and thoughtful overview. It was very insightful and your empathy in this is appreciated.
@Sober Yes, I have studied all the physical signs to be aware of and will be conscious of them going forward. But I am optimistic that they will not be a factor for two reasons: first, that I don't drink during the day at all have nothing in the way of physical signs - second, on two occasions over the past years I have gone without a drink for one to two nights when I was sick with flu/cold and did not seem to display any issues.
I have developed a plan for tapering that will include cutting down over the next 3 days to a quarter of a bottle from the half I am at. From three to seven days I want to be down to 85ML per day. After seven days I will do a full week with no vodka and a single beer or glass of wine with dinner. After that week my goal is a 30 day full cleansing to see how I feel, where I am mentally, and if I am able to occasionally drink afterwards without routine and/or the feeling of daily need.
If, during the process, any parts fail and it is clear that I am falling quickly back to my current trends I am already vowing to myself that I will have no choice but to seek outside assistance.
@Sober Yes, I have studied all the physical signs to be aware of and will be conscious of them going forward. But I am optimistic that they will not be a factor for two reasons: first, that I don't drink during the day at all have nothing in the way of physical signs - second, on two occasions over the past years I have gone without a drink for one to two nights when I was sick with flu/cold and did not seem to display any issues.
I have developed a plan for tapering that will include cutting down over the next 3 days to a quarter of a bottle from the half I am at. From three to seven days I want to be down to 85ML per day. After seven days I will do a full week with no vodka and a single beer or glass of wine with dinner. After that week my goal is a 30 day full cleansing to see how I feel, where I am mentally, and if I am able to occasionally drink afterwards without routine and/or the feeling of daily need.
If, during the process, any parts fail and it is clear that I am falling quickly back to my current trends I am already vowing to myself that I will have no choice but to seek outside assistance.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: Washington DC
Posts: 5
One part I should add to this given the nature of the forum as being one of sobriety is that I have read many of the "taper" posts here and I am not fooling myself into the pattern I keep reading about of, let me call it, "yo- yo tapering." That is repeated taper down and ramp back up pattern that I see here often. For me, the simple inability to manage and control without physical or mental difficulty and/or reverting back to my current trend is a failure in this regard and total sobriety and outside help is the only option.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 1,183
Good luck! Honestly that sounds like a lot of work to keep track of the mL per day on which day, you may very truly find it easier to just stop since you're planning on stopping for 30 days anyways. Something to keep in mind if you find yourself delaying that next cut-back 'till tomorrow, for blah-blah-blah reasons. 
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Colorado
Posts: 3,781
You're in the right place if you want to quit drinking. Alcolism is very progressive, when my enternal switch went off nothing about drinking was fun to me., the fun was gone..
There's a saying if you want to find out if you're a normal drinker go out for a week and only have two drinks, if this is not problem for you you might be a normal drinker..
It sounds like you have a lot of positive things going on with your life, there's really nothing to be ashamed of living a life of soberity, it's really a beautiful thing.. Wishing you the best, get a good plan together and execute to the plan..
There are a lot of great folks here with many, many years of sobriety, using many different methods.. Keep reading and ask questions if you have any and put a plug in the jug!
There's a saying if you want to find out if you're a normal drinker go out for a week and only have two drinks, if this is not problem for you you might be a normal drinker..
It sounds like you have a lot of positive things going on with your life, there's really nothing to be ashamed of living a life of soberity, it's really a beautiful thing.. Wishing you the best, get a good plan together and execute to the plan..
There are a lot of great folks here with many, many years of sobriety, using many different methods.. Keep reading and ask questions if you have any and put a plug in the jug!
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,435
welcome eyechip
Like others have said it's kinda strange for me to read that you accept your problem with alcohol - but still hope to have it in your life and control it.
I understand that mindset because I had it for many years - but, from this perspective it looks like walking through a bed of hot coals with gas-soaked feet...and hoping not to get burned.
Nevertheless, of course, I wish you well
D
Like others have said it's kinda strange for me to read that you accept your problem with alcohol - but still hope to have it in your life and control it.
I understand that mindset because I had it for many years - but, from this perspective it looks like walking through a bed of hot coals with gas-soaked feet...and hoping not to get burned.
Nevertheless, of course, I wish you well
D
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