UKstudent

going to try to keep this short so it's not a nightmare to read but need to vent!

I've been deluding myself recently again, pretending to myself I can handle alcohol (thus i've been drinking regularly)

I dropped out of uni, whilst on exchange, and did something else in my host country (Belgium)
At first that was really refreshing and new so I liked it, now i can't wait for it to be over as I want to go back to the UK.

I feel perpetually stuck in a place where I'm not allowed to be myself.
My parents moved to Spain when I was 15 and I went to live with my christian grandparents who later rejected my coming out as gay when I was 19.
That caused a lot of hurt and ever since I've had to pretend to not be gay to keep them happy, and lie about all sorts of situations to suit them.

I have tattoos, which they see as a huge disappointment, which makes me feel like I'm not allowed to take pleasure in my own self-expressiona and I geninuely feel like i have to keep all my arms covered when I'm at home.

Meanwhile my dad loves all of this because he sees everything as a huge game and hates my grandparents and has used me as a way of getting at them since I was a child

I just feel so angry. I'm furious and I just wanna run away from it all to be honest, and yet, my anger, my issues with alcohol and any hint of unhappiness are COMPLETELY INVISIBLE to everyone around me - a number of years ago I told my grandmother I felt depressed and she laughed at me.

fini

UK student,

what if i suggested that far from not being able to "be allowed to be myself" you are being very much yourself indeed. drinking, miserable, unhappy with restrictions but unwilling to take responsibility for changing your life and your choices.
you are only "stuck" because you decide it's "better" to stay in the situation you're in rather than actually take necessary uncomfortable steps to change things for yourself.

ScottFromWI

Sorry to hear you are still drinking UK Student. It sounds like you have a lot on your plate, but unfortunately drinking won't help you with any of them. In most cases it will make them worse as it merely numbs your mind to them for a short period of time, but the problems are always there - and they grow as we let them fester away while we're drunk.

Have you considered seeking any local support in the form of meetings or counseling? It could be of tremendous assistance to be around others who have the same issues you do with your drinking.

Soberwolf

Hi Student I hope venting helped you I'm with Scott in getting support like meetings to help with the alcoholism

if you ever want to talk you can always pm my friend