Very discouraged.
~sb
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: MD
Posts: 15,960
You're healing. Give yourself more time, you'll look much better! Early recovery is not fun, but you can get through this. You've come so far already!!!!
trudging means to walk with a purpose. Keep trudging!!
trudging means to walk with a purpose. Keep trudging!!
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Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 129
You don't have to force positivity.
Just drop the story of suffering for THIS moment. Not for all the rest of the moments in the future. But when you can drop into the present, for even a second, you can have an experience of being ok.
That is ALWAYS available to you, should you choose to avail yourself of it.
our minds will spin stories of immense suffering even when we are warm, safe, fed, and in bed!
It is a courageous practice to start letting go of the habits of mind. We have a lot tied up in blaming others, feeling like a victim of circumstance, and soothing ourselves through self-pity.
You are giving a LOT of attention to your mind and its stories. See if you can find some space from it/them and you will suffer less, even if your outer circumstances don't change.
Or don't, it is your choice. I hope you feel better soon.
Just drop the story of suffering for THIS moment. Not for all the rest of the moments in the future. But when you can drop into the present, for even a second, you can have an experience of being ok.
That is ALWAYS available to you, should you choose to avail yourself of it.
our minds will spin stories of immense suffering even when we are warm, safe, fed, and in bed!
It is a courageous practice to start letting go of the habits of mind. We have a lot tied up in blaming others, feeling like a victim of circumstance, and soothing ourselves through self-pity.
You are giving a LOT of attention to your mind and its stories. See if you can find some space from it/them and you will suffer less, even if your outer circumstances don't change.
Or don't, it is your choice. I hope you feel better soon.
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 8,614
Water and moisturizer- that I can do.
As far as the other stuff I've been trying to find a guided meditation I can attend and I work all the days they happen.
I waited on the work stuff and never said anything. Today I was on the phone and someone stood behind me (the same guy talking trash right in front of me the other day while I was mid-double shift with no notice in order to cover someone else who wasn't coming in... on my b-day, good thing I cancelled my celebratory lunch reservation) and audibly scoffed at what I said.
I know nobody cares so I sucked it up like I always do. My back is paying the price, it clenched up on me yesterday and today so I am trying not to move much.
As far as the other stuff I've been trying to find a guided meditation I can attend and I work all the days they happen.
I waited on the work stuff and never said anything. Today I was on the phone and someone stood behind me (the same guy talking trash right in front of me the other day while I was mid-double shift with no notice in order to cover someone else who wasn't coming in... on my b-day, good thing I cancelled my celebratory lunch reservation) and audibly scoffed at what I said.
I know nobody cares so I sucked it up like I always do. My back is paying the price, it clenched up on me yesterday and today so I am trying not to move much.
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Join Date: Apr 2010
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I really don't think it's self pitying to be going above and beyond, working double shifts and going to work 2 weeks sick with a chest cold, covering others so that they may have a sick day- all the while trying to learn a new job. I think it's pretty appropriate to feel bad while also being trash talked by a coworker and scoffed at while I am learning. Along with my personal health issues and more tests ahead that make me so scared I am just blocking it out as best I can. More waiting for results and more tests. Good times.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
Sleepie,
I think it's perfectly reasonable for you to have a "conflict" or "an appointment I can't break" when you are next asked to work an extra shift. Or simply an "I'm sorry, I can't swing that." It sounds to me like these folks will take help wherever they can find it and you are being mighty obliging. If they come up short that often, no one could possibly think that you should take up all of the extra slack.
I know you have those ghosts from the last job, but still. A person's gotta have their boundaries and you've yielded way more than sufficient ground to prove you are a team player. No need to point that out, just tell them you have a prior commitment next time someone asks you to work a double.
I think it's perfectly reasonable for you to have a "conflict" or "an appointment I can't break" when you are next asked to work an extra shift. Or simply an "I'm sorry, I can't swing that." It sounds to me like these folks will take help wherever they can find it and you are being mighty obliging. If they come up short that often, no one could possibly think that you should take up all of the extra slack.
I know you have those ghosts from the last job, but still. A person's gotta have their boundaries and you've yielded way more than sufficient ground to prove you are a team player. No need to point that out, just tell them you have a prior commitment next time someone asks you to work a double.
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Well, I was supposed to work another day off this week but I have to go to the dentist again... good times. So I said no to that one.
I am laying here staring at the wall. I am kinda numb after today. I think I had one day off in 12. I know, nothing compared to some. But just off the anxiety pills, no more drinking, new job and a lot of new stress and a much heavier schedule is a lot for me to take on.
It's hard because the bf does not have a clue what it's like to be a "normal working person". He is a computer person who worked at home for 15 years. So I have nobody to talk to. For instance I had to take a cab to get to work on time yesterday when the car broke down. Because I have to be on time and I am the only one there. He was mad because he thought I could call and tell them (whoever they are) that I had car trouble. He does not understand that 1) "They" don't care. What they care about is that I am there and doing my job. That's it. He also does not get having to answer to anyone, or having to be anyone other than himself at a job. Me I have to be little miss cheerful despite whatever thing is happening and also answering to things I had nothing to do with and saying "I'm sorry" about 100 times a day again, for things I had nothing to do with. Like the guy who screwed us by not showing up. I got the dagger eyes from his students all morning- not the absent teacher.
It gets really frustrating because bf has been in his little bubble where a hard day is attending a "meeting" that he finds tedious- in his home office in his pajamas, while he plays games on his phone- and makes a lot more money than I ever will to do so.
It really burns me that his work should be viewed as more important than mine and worth more money when I guarantee you I work much, much harder and sacrifice much more.
I am laying here staring at the wall. I am kinda numb after today. I think I had one day off in 12. I know, nothing compared to some. But just off the anxiety pills, no more drinking, new job and a lot of new stress and a much heavier schedule is a lot for me to take on.
It's hard because the bf does not have a clue what it's like to be a "normal working person". He is a computer person who worked at home for 15 years. So I have nobody to talk to. For instance I had to take a cab to get to work on time yesterday when the car broke down. Because I have to be on time and I am the only one there. He was mad because he thought I could call and tell them (whoever they are) that I had car trouble. He does not understand that 1) "They" don't care. What they care about is that I am there and doing my job. That's it. He also does not get having to answer to anyone, or having to be anyone other than himself at a job. Me I have to be little miss cheerful despite whatever thing is happening and also answering to things I had nothing to do with and saying "I'm sorry" about 100 times a day again, for things I had nothing to do with. Like the guy who screwed us by not showing up. I got the dagger eyes from his students all morning- not the absent teacher.
It gets really frustrating because bf has been in his little bubble where a hard day is attending a "meeting" that he finds tedious- in his home office in his pajamas, while he plays games on his phone- and makes a lot more money than I ever will to do so.
It really burns me that his work should be viewed as more important than mine and worth more money when I guarantee you I work much, much harder and sacrifice much more.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
I hear ya.
I'm in the IT world myself and have plenty of them perks going on. Perks that I worked ridiculous hours to earn, mind you, but perks nonetheless.
There are a lot of people in my position that didn't have to pay the same dues I did, so they haven't a clue. Others forget and some probably feel "entitled." For my part, I truly feel that people who do the hardest work are the lowest paid and it's really unfair.
Do I deserve to be paid commensurate with my skills and experience? Absolutely. But does a dishwasher deserve to earn 20% of what I earn? I don't think so.
Short of an economic revolution, I'm not sure what's to be done for it aside from recognizing it's a fact, Jack.
I'm in the IT world myself and have plenty of them perks going on. Perks that I worked ridiculous hours to earn, mind you, but perks nonetheless.
There are a lot of people in my position that didn't have to pay the same dues I did, so they haven't a clue. Others forget and some probably feel "entitled." For my part, I truly feel that people who do the hardest work are the lowest paid and it's really unfair.
Do I deserve to be paid commensurate with my skills and experience? Absolutely. But does a dishwasher deserve to earn 20% of what I earn? I don't think so.
Short of an economic revolution, I'm not sure what's to be done for it aside from recognizing it's a fact, Jack.
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My tiny, small something of a victory is the bf has changed his ways about how he treats jerks like me who have to do what we can to make a dollar. He used to be the kind of person who would maybe grunt in the direction of someone like me behind a desk. Now he's seen how I am towards people and he does the same, for instance I said "Hey let's bring a big slice of pizza to the kid who's working on X-mas where we get coffee". He never would have done that in a million years cause he doesn't know what it feels like to work and be taken for granted. Well, I do. Well now that kid lights up every time he sees the bf, I've seen it. It's small but it MATTERS. And he gives him a free coffee now and again not that he needs it.
It matters how you treat people no matter how hot s*** your job or the world tells you you are. It's what makes you a decent human being. His old job was always calling him a "rock star". Yeah ok. I worked 2 doubles at a moment's notice while ill, but I'm not a rock star, I'm just doing my job. No perks for me, just another day.
I've worked ridiculous hours and plenty of draining jobs- do I deserve to paid equal to the effort I put in? Well think about it- how about the last time you got s****y customer service? YES I THINK I DO. When it's done well, it's taken for granted. When it's not, oh people will let it ruin their whole day. Kind of having it both ways.
I have a real problem with people thinking one set of skills are worth more than another. I also have a problem with the word "deserve". BF is all about that word and so are lot sof people, a certain kind if people I have dealt with my whole, entire life.
My crappy little job makes another person's day a little smoother because I do it well.
BF's "worthier" skills help line the pockets of corporations who ultimately do nothing good for the world and even make it a little worse.
It matters how you treat people no matter how hot s*** your job or the world tells you you are. It's what makes you a decent human being. His old job was always calling him a "rock star". Yeah ok. I worked 2 doubles at a moment's notice while ill, but I'm not a rock star, I'm just doing my job. No perks for me, just another day.
I've worked ridiculous hours and plenty of draining jobs- do I deserve to paid equal to the effort I put in? Well think about it- how about the last time you got s****y customer service? YES I THINK I DO. When it's done well, it's taken for granted. When it's not, oh people will let it ruin their whole day. Kind of having it both ways.
I have a real problem with people thinking one set of skills are worth more than another. I also have a problem with the word "deserve". BF is all about that word and so are lot sof people, a certain kind if people I have dealt with my whole, entire life.
My crappy little job makes another person's day a little smoother because I do it well.
BF's "worthier" skills help line the pockets of corporations who ultimately do nothing good for the world and even make it a little worse.
voices ca**y
Join Date: Mar 2013
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Sleepie, when it gets to the point were you are starting to feel taken advantage of, take a step back. I always feel like I am "that person" at work. the one that covers or performs the crap jobs nobody wants. I do it because I somehow feel like if I don't it won't get done. The reality is that it is not on me. I have started saying no and it has helped my outlook greatly. I even say no when I could easily accommodate the extra work. If you say yes to extra shifts it should be because you want the money. it's not your responsibility to do the bosses work and cover.
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Maybe. I feel like I have nothing else to offer, I have to overcompensate for my crap grey matter. I can't work smarter so I have to work harder. I lost on the lottery of brains so I suffer. I am literally worth less, says life and jobs and people.
Life Goes On
Join Date: Jul 2012
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Nope, Sleepie. Silentrun is on target with this. You may feel like you have to overcompensate and I get that. But that doesn't mean you have to be a doormat.
Work some extra shifts, sure. But don't Always be That Girl. You'll get more respect and gratitude if you are sometimes That Girl and have a good attitude about being her (or not!). I promise.
Work some extra shifts, sure. But don't Always be That Girl. You'll get more respect and gratitude if you are sometimes That Girl and have a good attitude about being her (or not!). I promise.
voices ca**y
Join Date: Mar 2013
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Originally Posted by sleepie 
Maybe. I feel like I have nothing else to offer, I have to overcompensate for my crap grey matter. I can't work smarter so I have to work harder. I lost on the lottery of brains so I suffer. I am literally worth less, says life and jobs and people.
Those people you grew up with were a bunch of lying liar holes. The same thing happened to me were they thought I was slow and then, based on standardized testing, I proved that wrong. In my case the people around me adjusted their expectation of me. In your case they just kept on lying.
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The only thing I am vaguely good at, art, will never be appreciated or paid for. My skill is seen as superfluous even though in my opinion art is a big f***ing deal. It's what life's about, but not a potential money maker. I like to think I am good at something that transcends the petty, transient messiness of human life... but unless you make something that can be seen as a potential commodity, it ain't happening.
Cause dumb humans.
Cause dumb humans.
voices ca**y
Join Date: Mar 2013
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Originally Posted by sleepie
The only thing I am vaguely good at, art, will never be appreciated or paid for. My skill is seen as superfluous even though in my opinion art is a big f***ing deal. It's what life's about, but not a potential money maker. I like to think I am good at something that transcends the petty, transient messiness of human life... but unless you make something that can be seen as a potential commodity, it ain't happening.
Cause dumb humans.
Cause dumb humans.
voices ca**y
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: St. Paul Minnesota
Posts: 4,359
Originally Posted by sleepie
^^^^^
See that? I really do think that. I have some small amount of self esteem, enjoy.
That's what Cow calls Sparkle Sleepie I think.
See that? I really do think that. I have some small amount of self esteem, enjoy.
That's what Cow calls Sparkle Sleepie I think.
Life Goes On
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
Ermmm, I've seen lots of appreciation of your art here. Are you saying we don't count? Harumph.
And also, your tiny small victory of lightening the coffee guy's day is way bigger and you know it. Small Things Matter.
Sorry, I meant to stick with your Negative Nancy mode, but I can't help myself.
Carry on. Vent away.
Seriously, if it helps, do.
You are making many good points and we both know it.
We may be helpless to change it, but we know it.
xoxo
And also, your tiny small victory of lightening the coffee guy's day is way bigger and you know it. Small Things Matter.
Sorry, I meant to stick with your Negative Nancy mode, but I can't help myself.
Carry on. Vent away.
Seriously, if it helps, do.
You are making many good points and we both know it.
We may be helpless to change it, but we know it.
xoxo
Last edited by Obladi; 02-15-2016 at 07:19 PM. Reason: Edited to point out to Sleepie that I edited my second last sentence because she is very quick on the draw tonight.
voices ca**y
Join Date: Mar 2013
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Posts: 4,359
Originally Posted by sleepie
Oh, unfortunately standardized testing only confirms my situation.
But let's just revel in my "I'm good at art, the rest of you just don't get life" thing I got going for a moment. It's all I have.
But let's just revel in my "I'm good at art, the rest of you just don't get life" thing I got going for a moment. It's all I have.
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Oh no, art is bigger. I really do think so. Mostly any inventive, creative endeavor.
Art SHOULD be a paid endeavor. How would it be if whatever you're good at was just taken for granted? I need to move to France. They get it. They are proud of their culture, very proud of their arts. It defines them.
Over here not so much.
Art SHOULD be a paid endeavor. How would it be if whatever you're good at was just taken for granted? I need to move to France. They get it. They are proud of their culture, very proud of their arts. It defines them.
Over here not so much.
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