Telling potential roommate about your recovery
 

I wanted to ask for the collective advice on the forum about this.

I'm considering moving out of my house and into a house-mate situation. I don't "need" to rather I want to save some cash and I would enjoy the company.

As a drinker, I'd avoided this as they might be uncomfortable with my drinking or interfere with it, but at present I'm very secure in my sobriety/recovery.

I have an interview/visit set up with someone. This person is not a drinker, he sounded very much like a normie.

The question to the group is, what would you tell them?

He might wonder where I go several nights a week but I don't need to say anything, or, I could flat out tell him that I'm in long-term recovery and very involved in AA.

I'm leaning on the latter, the truth usually serves me well, yet this is something very private.

What would you do?

CJ.

Whether you drink or not and whether you are an alcoholic or not is personal information in my book. Most "normal" drinkers aren't going to care one way or the other anyway.

In a potential roommate situation though, I would potentially want the fact that you don't drink to be out there...just as you might want to know if a potential roommate is a smoker or a non-smoker.

What you do with your time ( going to meetings, etc ) is absolutely your own business though..and you have no oblication to tell anyone where you are going or what you are doing.

Ask yourself why you feel any need to tell your roommate. Unless you are expecting them to "support you" in some way, this information is completely irrelevant to your relationship.

Typically, roommates (I've lived with several and live with one now) aren't going to query you about your whereabouts except in a very casual, conversational way. "You heading out?" Just answer, "Gotta run a few errands. See you later."

As long as you're working your program and handling your business, I don't think it's even appropriate to "dump" this info on your roomie. If they're a "normie," they don't know much about alcoholism and should have the right to not be worried about it. To be comfortable living their normal lifestyle under their own roof without having awkward knowledge of a roommate's prior alcohol abuse.

Bottom line: If you're stable, no need to tell. If you're not, you probably shouldn't be rooming with a normie.

I don't see why a new roommate (a prefect stranger) would need to know where you go several nights a weeks cejay?

D

The only thing I'd want them to know is that my home is a non drinking home.

Thanks all for the quick advice, I'll be keeping it to myself.

CJ.

I have to say, if I was renting a room in my apartment and someone told me in the interview that I should know they were a recovering alcoholic who went to meetings several nights a week, I wouldn't give them the room. Sort of in the same vein as if they told me they were going through a divorce and would need to deal with a lot of legal appointments. The red flag for me (as the potential roommate in this hypothetical) would be the possibility of boundary issues. Instead of thinking "this person wants to be honest with me", I'd be thinking, "this person wants me to be their support system". Unfairly! I can completely see where you're coming from! But that's the impression it would give me.

Of course if you're going to ask the roommate never to have alcohol in the house, then yes you probably have to say something. But otherwise I wouldn't.

And your sponsor says what????

You should also try to gauge whether the roommate drinks at home or what his lifestyle might be like - if he's a heavy drinker that is home every night that might not be the best place for you to live. I think you could ask in a way that doesn't reveal anything you don't want to.

Me and my partner's kind of code phrase for me going off to AA (if we talk about me going to a meeting in front of others, or a non-close friend or acquaintance asks where I am / I'm going) is 'going for a coffee and chant with some friends.'

I tend to feel that's pretty much as much as they need to know.

I wouldn't tell someone in that situation. IF you end up living with them, and they become a trusted friend then maybe consider telling them then.

I would not say anything. Lots of people don't drink.

Some great advice Cejay

Thanks!
 

Thank you all for the great advice and perspective on this issue.

He claims not to drink much or at home, I'll be confirming when I visit.

I'm definitely going to be keeping my involvement in AA to myself.

CJ.

Lol - just in case anyone thought otherwise, 'Chant' was a typo. Not that there's anything wrong with chanting, but I actually meant 'chat'.

Beccy, and here I was thinking you went to a new age aa sitting cross legged in a circle chanting. And I wanted to join!!

I have a question about the steps. I have done a huge amount of soul searching, reading, one on one therapy, etc in the process of becoming what aa would call sober.

No aa available where I live and I have been thinking about doing the steps on line.

However, I subscribe to the point of view that they are male orientated and that I like most women beat myself up enough -- do my own moral inventory every hour etc.

But I am open minded and really want what you guys and gals seem to have so willing to give it a try.

I find your posts very thoughtful and was wondering what you think?

PS -- Cejay, sorry for the hijack

For a long time I thought that the steps were for every alcoholic. Well, every alcoholic apart from me that is. Are you sure there's no AA available where you are? Wow - you must be somewhere really remote.

I'm not sure how people go about doing the steps long distance. I know it has been done, but without meetings or steps it's got to make it harder. Have you read the Big Book at all? That's a good place to start if not. It might well be worth putting this question on it's own thread in the 12-step area, as it's more likely to get to people who can give a better answer / more help than my sorry attempt.

Thanks.

I will check it out.

Even with my husband we don't feel obligated to always inform each-other where we are going when we go out separately. It would have never occurred to me that I would have to or would want to tell a roommate where I am going. Of course if you prefer to tell them, that's different. I imagine it's more about what kind of lifestyle the roommate lives in the shared home and I think this is something that can be inquired about and discussed without having to say anything about your being in recovery.