George89

I suppose I'm what you could call a binge drinker in some respects..although I've cut down my drinking but In turn I cut down my social life and I think that has ultimately made me lonely and sadder in the long run.

I see the odd friend here and there - but my weekend are not bubbly social occasions full of laughter and love.

Hell, even when I was drinking they were bece full of laughter or love but more marked by nights of incomprehensible and meaningless babble followed by being hungover and holed up iny flat the next day (or two), feeling anxious, paranoid, sick and miserable..

So I began to cut down - but what has happened is that I see my friends a lot less then I used to because I'm scared when I drink with them, and it means the odd time I do go out with friends, especially my guy friends, we take drugs and drink and stay up really late. And I feel semi suicidal afterwards..

Even though its not that often, I still feel deep down that by continuing to drink here and there and occasionally having The big late nights that I'm not really healing myself mentally, physically or spiritually.

I am overcome with depression and guilt and realise that I my life is truly better of without alcohol. It's just that usually I 'control' my intake before the next late night.. My guess is, if I can stop drinking completely I will see my friends more often in a way as I will no longer have a fear of hangovers or alcohol and no longer have to avoid seeing them..I won't get hungover, so will have more energy and more generally from quitting drinking which I hope will give me more motivation to go out and see my friends.

I sometimes wonder how I got to this almost perverse outlook on life..but I just know alcohol doesn't make me happy or us humans happy..it's the destroyer of happiness and love yet for the most part we can't see how it drags us down..

In a nutshell I'm glad I stopped weekend regular drinking - but I want to go a step further. I no longer like alcohol, being drunk or being hungover. So why limit it when I can stop altogether ?

least

I hope you decide to get completely sober. Life is so much better sober. I tried and failed to moderate and found it's easier for me to just quit drinking altogether.

HighDraw18

I went through a period of daily, alcoholic drinking and made some changes. My drinking patterns now mirror yours exactly.

I'm ready to let go completely - the anxiety and guilt aren't worth it for me anymore.

Good luck and welcome.

Anna

George, I hope that you decide to stop drinking completely, too.

It sounds like alcohol has a very bad effect on your mental health and even though as you say, it's not often, it must be scary.

paddyjnr1

Yes indeed George I too can identify with those feeling and is why I cannot drink, because when one passes my lips , anything and everything else follows and the dreaded anxiety depression and alcoholic loneliness that follows.
Here's what I done first time around and it worked while I worked it.
I picked up the phone and rang AA, they were quick off the mark to send 2 guys around to me with no hidden agendas, All they wanted was for me to get well.
They brought me to meetings until I was strong enough to go myself and boy did I continue to go because anything was better then that dreadful feeling.
I had attempts of suicide too due to being an Alcoholic. I am in no way saying you are as you can find that out for yourself through a process of identification at closed AA meeting or NA.
You will meet some great friends there who will help you along and look out for you.
Life is so much better living clean and sober.
I hope this helps. oh and you can always hang around here on SR and read some posts, no one will judge you as we have all been there and one drink will send us back there.

Dee74

I agree with you George - any amount of alcohol was keeping me from being who I wanted to be.

D

George89

Thanks for the comments guys. The one thing I wonder is that I justify the fact that I don't get drunk all the time as me not needing to quit fully, even though deep inside that's what I want to do, it's like the fear of becoming a non drinker holds me back coupled with the fact that I've just withdrawn from my social life as a way of avoiding it which isn't the best way.

I know I will have friends that will respect my decision but I fear a lot won't, and I also fear how I will feel in numerous social situations as a non drinker. Secondly, not just how people perceive me but more how bored I can see myself feel when I'm sat in a loud pub and the conversation isn't great.


The good thing is a play a lot of sport but I do miss my social life, and I think when sober I will find my real friends..

Soberwolf

You will George congrats

Hawkeye13

You know George, you aren't really "controlling" it if you think time between
your binges counts anyway.

I could go weeks or months, drink sensibly often, but as the years passed that became less predictable
and I went from having fun most of the time to having
periods of sadness and depression sometimes after / during drinking.
Alcoholism is progressive, and your frequency isn't the issue as much as if
it is a problem for you sometimes / often when you do drink.

Like others here, I have found more peace in quitting entirely than trying moderate my drinking.
The time for that passes--it sounds like it may have for you too.

Try sobriety for several months and see how you feel.
You might be surprised and find the depression and anxiety reduce or go away
which is what happened to me.
Welcome to SR

HighDraw18

The binges become unpredictable.

Sure, there are times when I can have 2 beers and go home. But there are also times where I drink until I black out, snort some lines, and wake up feeling like my anxiety and shame are going to kill me.

It's like Russian roulette and at this point, honestly, I'd rather just not play.

stevepearce

Hi and welcome to SR. I cut down my drinking and would have seemed quite successful anyone who doesn't understand how heavy drinking effects people. HOWEVER after years of heavy drinking even drinking less was continuing to harm me emotionally, mentally and spiritually and was stopping me recovering from the years of heavy drinking properly. I have stopped completely now and am already starting to notice positive changes that did not occur when I cut down. Alcoholism is progressive, not necessarily in the amount you drink in my opinion but definitely in the harm it does to you and your life? Sending you strength in your journey. Steve.

George89

After the effect it's had on me, I've realized that quitting fully is something I need to look at again. Yesterday and today at work I've been an emotional wreck. Not feeling well at all and my boss has taken me aside and asked me what's going on. I can't focus at all, my mind is all over the place and I feel like a ghost/Zombie.

I know it's not worth it. And I look back at that night, did I enjoy any of it - really when I look deeply, no. There was no friendships made, no happiness created, no further understanding of my life or advancement in anyway.

The scary thing was, I remember 'switching' in the pub and asking my friend to call the drug dealer, buying shots etc. the whole night was about getting drugged and drunk, more than being with my friends and catching up with them.

I feel at a sort of rock bottom over these last few days. Like everything has been undone and unravelled. Just after one night of drinking. The fear, sadness, paranoia, guilt has come back to me. I have more or less changed my weekends to be based around sports events - playing soccer/football, squash which has been great..although I realize I need to see and connect with more friends in my life, yet instead of connecting with friends the alcohol and drugs gets in the way.

I feel like I could lose my job anytime soon, my girlfriend is thousands of miles away and looks like we are breaking up ( not directly related to alcohol..but some) I'm broke..and I feel lonely, sad and empty.

Soberwolf

Well that's what were here for bud lean on us

least

I hope you can stop drinking before something really bad happens.

HighDraw18

The anxiety, shame, and guilt...I know it well.

That switch is scary isn't it? The desire for booze and drugs takes over.

I hope you find the resolve to give it up. It's not worth it.

George89

I will find the resolve..I suppose sat night came out of nowhere..

I don't want to lose my job but I feel the pressure is unrelenting..every mistake adds up..after today and yesterday I'm in my bosses even worse books..I almost think **** this job anyway because it's been making me miserable being stuck here..but I feel like I've now shot myself in the foot. My boss said in his last appraisal that he wanted me to fix up etc, and the last two days there have been some errors that he has been annoyed about..

Anyway I just have to try and think positive - I know everything will work out for the best..and believe in myself..and see this weekend as a blessing in the sense that it's opened my eyes to the fact that sobriety is where I need to get to now..

HighDraw18

Good deal George - you got this.

For me, no matter what the issue was, drinking never helped me out. I would sober up, the problem would still be there, and more often than not I had additional problems created by the drinking.

dwtbd

A lot of what you describe resonates. Once alcohol is is in the system "more"becomes the sole motivation, the itch starts and takes on a life of its own. The AV even gets the 'bright' idea that alcohol isn't enough and the 'old connections' get called up and all bets are off the table. The aftermath of nights like that , even if only on occasion can be hell to get through. The anxiety, depression and general hangovers can last for days. Man just typing that out is somewhat painful, remembering those times. I'm more grateful to myself than I can really say because I finally decided to spare myself that pain. I never have to endure any of that again. You don't either, choose permanent sobriety, no night of 'fun' is worth that hell, let alone repeated experiences. Believe you are not "giving up" anything worth having , and you will be gaining freedom from that self imposed hell. Rooting for ya

Mel12

Scary, yes, and a lot of other things on top of it!

HighDraw18

So true.