AlaskaGirl

Hi everyone!

Long time member and lurker, but I don't post a lot.

I'm doing really well right now. No daily drinking. Since Thanksgiving I've drank three times on "special occasions".

Two of those times were fine, but last time I blacked out. Nothing "bad" happened, but it scared me. I had no control over my drinking that night.

So here is my observation for the day. I feel very comfortable with not drinking right now. No urges. I don't miss it. This is huge for me as I was getting loaded pretty much every night there at the end. BUT... When I log on to SR and read in the forums I start to feel anxious. Like it makes me think about wanting to drink.

I think it's because I'm challenging my AV with the idea of never drinking again and it rebels. Has anyone else experienced this?

dwtbd

I think it depends on what you are trying to do.
Do you want to quit, or are you trying to control your drinking and only relegate it to "special occasions"?

vanaprastha

When I first started reading and posting here, reading other people's experiences helped me a lot. In the past couple of days though, reading about other people's struggles and relapses has made me anxious. It's not because I am struggling with never drinking again; I accept this. But the anxiety is something I need to pay attention to, and as a result I have decided to read less and do other things instead. I think this is OK.

But I do think you also need to think about exactly what you want from your recovery. You say nothing "bad" happened, but you blacked out and had no control. This sounds "bad" to me. Please consider accepting the fact that you will never be able to drink "normally." I am happier after accepting this, and I think you will be too.

Obladi

Those times when I haven't felt secure with not drinking, hanging around in the Newcomers forum or on the current monthly thread were not good for me. I found lots of space for rationalization there. Like, the addict in me bonded with the addict in others and took off running from there.

It's different now. I'm able to read without finding triggers but instead with an eye toward learning something and occasionally offering something that I think might help.

So yeah, I get the notion of your AV rebelling. Just maybe be careful of your AV having ulterior motives. Because it always does.

AlaskaGirl

I want to get to a point where alcohol has no control over me at all. Where I can enjoy social functions where my friends are drinking and I don't touch a drop. Not because I "can't", but because I realize not only do I not need it but I have a better time without it.

I struggle with the concept of "I can't drink." I'm a grown woman. I can do whatever I want. I want to be happy not to drink, because that's my choice. I don't know if that makes sense or not, but that's where I'm at. My friends are hard drinkers, but most of them don't have a problem with it. I have a good friend who I have gotten a lot closer to over the past year who hangs out with the same group and rarely drinks at all. I want to be like her. Hanging out, having fun, with drinking not even a thought. This might be unrealistic for me because of my history, but I would love to get there.

AlaskaGirl

I agree with your statement about blacking out being "bad". It scared me, I was upset with myself and frustrated. Just because I didn't make an ass out of myself doesn't mean I didn't lose control, set my recovery back and hurt my body. Point taken.

trachemys

Change "can't" to "don't".

I don't drink.

Fairly simple.

Obladi

I think you totally can get there.
Sounds like your history shows that you are best off not drinking, not that you are best off not socializing.

And you're absolutely right. You are a grown woman. It's your choice as to whether you drink or don't drink. The only one putting limitations on you is yourself, as it should be.

Soberwolf

Recognising a problem of drinking poison & taking action in sobriety is a grown up thing to do ignoring the problem only makes matters worse

Have you got a plan ?

AlaskaGirl

Sober wolf, my plan is really one day at a time, and don't drink. I've been to my doctor, admitted my problem. He has me on a prescription of 1mg a day lorazepam. I have come to realize my drinking got out of hand in the beginning when I was self medicating for anxiety. It progressively got worse and worse, even though I took steps to eliminate a lot of stress in my life. By that point I was dependent. Vicious cycle. Alcohol caused more anxiety. I have NO desire to go back to drinking my life away, I think I have that under control. So now I need a short term plan. What to do on those nights where the gang is gathering for a party. I haven't figured that out yet.

Soberwolf

If its attending & being near alcohol then having an exit plan is good for those sort of things, having pre-prepared responses to 'can I get you drink' helps as does keeping a soft beverage in your hand and there are things like mocktails (soft drink) where ppl won't even think to ask you, having a exit/back up plan if things start to change or you suddenly want to leave without panicking is a wise move also

Here are some links that are designed for surviving christmas office parties which are revelant to being around people who drink

How to survive the office Christmas party, sober - The Sober School

How to stay sober at Christmas - The Sober School

Dropsie

I understand where you are at completely.

I can do what I want, but made a choice not to drink because I decided not to. Ever. And to never quit the decision.

After I made that decision, I don't drink, because I made a choice not to.

My decision. My responsibility.

I also don't smoke anymore, do drugs anymore, or hit my kids/kick my dog (never did that). Just not things I do.

But I do go out. Even to bars. But if it ever got in the way of the decision, I am good to do something else.

My choice. My decision.

You got this.

dwtbd

Changing can't to don't was the definitely the thing that gave me the answer to any dumbass question my AV might have brought up.

sleepie

I think alcoholism is a very suggestible condition... in other words it takes only a tiny nudge or mention to get it going again, unfortunately.

ScottFromWI

No matter how you phrase it, I feel it's essential to accept that once we start drinking, there is no control. So whether you want to say you "can't" drink or "don't" drink, you have to accept that if you DO drink it will be a problem. I had control issues with my drinking for years and tried every form of moderation there is. I even invented some of my own. But until I finally accepted that I will never have control once I start, I was stuck.

ALinNS

Could be/sounds like an AV trying to tell you this, could be totally wrong, for me I can't drink, I won't drink so I do not drink. I simply can't control it and it destroys things around me I love including myself, what I love to do so in short I don't need that in my life, that is in part what keeps me sober.

Andrew

Sudz No More

It's a very slippery slope you are on. I was a hard core drinking fool but I never blacked out. If blacking out is something you do on occasion when drinking I think it is a very tell tale sign that you have very little control over how much you drink when you decide. Obviously it's up to you and what you feel comfortable with. I would just caution against some major warning signs that something like blacking out tells you.

Zeroine

I can relate to what you say about choice and your AV going crazy at the idea of committing to never drinking again. I've decided to get to abstinence gradually, because too many times I've declared I'll never drink again but that sparked too much battle and rebellion in me. In my view, trying to counter feelings of rebellion is not the same as positive choice. And I've always relapsed when I tried to do that.

Having said that, I think I need to be really careful not to coast or drift. I'm constantly working on my awareness and sobriety skills, and reinforcing every non-drinking day as a positive choice so that my ideas about alcohol are changing.

Personally, a one-day-at-a-time approach wouldn't give me enough direction. I wouldn't have a reason to abstain on a bad day when stress was high and urges were strong. And I wouldn't have any strategies good enough to deal with that. I want every day to actively take me a step closer to complete abstinence, rather than just being a day when I abstained. So I'm planning, planning, planning.

I can't say what's right for you, I just wanted to share because I read "just stop altogether right now" a lot on the forum and while that isn't my personal approach, I do have an alternative approach and I'm actively working on it.

Are you also working on other, drug-free and alcohol-free ways to deal with anxiety? That would be an example of one of the skills I'm working on so I can be in a position to always choose abstinence.

Are you discussing with your doctor how long you plan to take lorazepam daily? Maybe you're already talking about it, but if not I'd suggest you have a discussion about avoiding possible tolerance and dependency and see what your doctor says.

SoberinSyracuse

About anxiety while reading here... I mostly benefit from being here. There are a few types of things I don't like seeing and I just skip over those. I don't believe that being uncomfortable reading something means it's good for you and you should read more of it. Sometimes it means that it goes against your morals, your faith, your positive beliefs that give you strength. When you see something like this, stop reading. It's just someone's opinion. It's not medicine or truth that you need to swallow.

sugarbear1

Blacking out IS bad. Normal drinkers don't blackout. I hope you can stay stopped longer than a week or two at a time! There will always be some special occasion to celebrate, but we don't have to drink to celebrate!!