Please let it stick this time
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 705
Please let it stick this time
I have not posted here in forever. I sort of just gave up on trying to even think about quitting. I don't know what happened, but a few days ago I had just had it and started freaking out. Hubby and I had been drinking all day, not super heavily but enough to have a buzz going throughout. After he passed out, I was trying to decide if I should go buy more wine or go to bed. I knew if I did not buy more, the next day would be uncomfortable with withdrawals but I still was realizing how sick of this I am.
I did not buy more wine. And I was right, withdrawals started early next morning. Mine are never too terrible, nor do they last more than a day, but I do shake a lot and I worry about seizures. Fortunately, I had Xanax on me and that helps a lot. Now before you go lecturing me on the dangers of benzos, no need as I am well aware of the dangers. I only take them when I absolutely need them and that is it. I have had my bottle of 15 since July and still have several left. The day I had withdrawal I had one and that was it and no more since.
Anyway, I am so sick of the cycle of starting and stopping for a week and going back. We moved to Los Angeles almost a year ago and I still have not found a job and that is directly tied to my drinking despite whatever excuse I tell myself and others. I have panic attacks driving in this city so my transportation is limited to the train, lyfts, my husband, and the few friends I have here. I have so much debt and I cannot bear all the calls and letters that come in. I did not finish college and even tho I was an excellent student, I amscared to go back to finish and rack up more debt, but being without a degree really limits me.
I don't do any of my creative things such theater and art.
I feel completely trapped and sometimes don't leave my apartment for days on end.
On top of that, who the hell knows what I am doing to my body.
I am so so so effing sick of living this way. There is an AA meeting place just a few blocks from me that I can walk to. I tried it some years ago and it was not my favorite but I am willing to try again. I also want to look into more secular options.
I am only on day 3 and physically I feel quite great, did some pilates, but that is the danger zone. I want out of this damn cycle for good!!!
Thanks for letting me vent.
I did not buy more wine. And I was right, withdrawals started early next morning. Mine are never too terrible, nor do they last more than a day, but I do shake a lot and I worry about seizures. Fortunately, I had Xanax on me and that helps a lot. Now before you go lecturing me on the dangers of benzos, no need as I am well aware of the dangers. I only take them when I absolutely need them and that is it. I have had my bottle of 15 since July and still have several left. The day I had withdrawal I had one and that was it and no more since.
Anyway, I am so sick of the cycle of starting and stopping for a week and going back. We moved to Los Angeles almost a year ago and I still have not found a job and that is directly tied to my drinking despite whatever excuse I tell myself and others. I have panic attacks driving in this city so my transportation is limited to the train, lyfts, my husband, and the few friends I have here. I have so much debt and I cannot bear all the calls and letters that come in. I did not finish college and even tho I was an excellent student, I amscared to go back to finish and rack up more debt, but being without a degree really limits me.
I don't do any of my creative things such theater and art.
I feel completely trapped and sometimes don't leave my apartment for days on end.
On top of that, who the hell knows what I am doing to my body.
I am so so so effing sick of living this way. There is an AA meeting place just a few blocks from me that I can walk to. I tried it some years ago and it was not my favorite but I am willing to try again. I also want to look into more secular options.
I am only on day 3 and physically I feel quite great, did some pilates, but that is the danger zone. I want out of this damn cycle for good!!!
Thanks for letting me vent.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 5,229
try to focus on one thing at a time and one day at a time. IE worry about not drinking for now let the rest handle itself tilll you get through this fragile time etc.. go easy on yourself.
For what its worth when i sobered up i had stupid amounts of debt as well. and felt totally screwed when i sobered up and had to face my crap existance i had created for myself. But I figured it out and dont have any debt anymore etc.. and sorted out all the other scary problems too.
You'll get it figured out. but dont bite off more then you can chew take it easy one step at a time etc...
For what its worth when i sobered up i had stupid amounts of debt as well. and felt totally screwed when i sobered up and had to face my crap existance i had created for myself. But I figured it out and dont have any debt anymore etc.. and sorted out all the other scary problems too.
You'll get it figured out. but dont bite off more then you can chew take it easy one step at a time etc...
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
glad ya made it back, babycat! for some reason i remember you. maybe being clarkston, or maybe the intrigue with aa. idk, but im glad youre back.
on aa, i highly suggest not throwin the baby out with the bathwater.
look at it this way:
ya dont not drink because of all the other types of alcohol out there. you found a drink that suited you and left the others alone.
i strongly encourage you to give aa a fair chance. thatbeing, not just 2 or 3 meetings and not reading the big book and other literature. you can even bring up your apprehensions at a meeting as a topic.
i know a man whose HP is a squirrel and has been for 30+years, a woman whose HP is nature and has been for 8 years, another uses the universe and has been for 14 years.........
on aa, i highly suggest not throwin the baby out with the bathwater.
look at it this way:
ya dont not drink because of all the other types of alcohol out there. you found a drink that suited you and left the others alone.
i strongly encourage you to give aa a fair chance. thatbeing, not just 2 or 3 meetings and not reading the big book and other literature. you can even bring up your apprehensions at a meeting as a topic.
i know a man whose HP is a squirrel and has been for 30+years, a woman whose HP is nature and has been for 8 years, another uses the universe and has been for 14 years.........
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
Welcome back. Sorry to read that your struggles with quitting drinking continue. You had a long litany of how bad things are. Drinking is not improving them. Sobriety just might.
At least it is a start.
Good luck.
At least it is a start.
Good luck.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 5,229
one thing with debt that I want to add. for years i was very emotional with debt. IE i felt it was the RIGHT thing to make RIGHT on this money i owed rarara I had morals to uphold and obligations rarara I had to do the RIGHT thing etc... I was too wrapped up into it.
One day i was like meh its just business. its just money. it doesnt matter wtf i do. I'm just another slob to them. there just another creditor to me.
I even had a creditor say to me tht i owed all these fees and all this money. I replied to him if i send you 0 how much is your debt worth? he rattled off the figures again. I said yes but if you collect 0 how much is it really worth?
needless to say in my case I settled it all they all settled for a lot less. I could be sad about that I could think oh gee that ws not right of me. or that was not fair of me. or it was not fair of them to charge such fees or such interest. Or this or that I could get all wrapped up into it emotionaly.
or i can think meh its just business.
Once i started thinking MEH its just business. I was free. the weight was lifted and i was no longer trapped. I realized I didnt owe them a dime. I could pay them or not wtf did it matter? What did matter tho was my sanity and my sobriety. that had to come first and foremost. When i could get around to it i got around to it and resolved it.
My point is theres no reason to feel trapped. your not trapped at all. thats a dillusion.
One day i was like meh its just business. its just money. it doesnt matter wtf i do. I'm just another slob to them. there just another creditor to me.
I even had a creditor say to me tht i owed all these fees and all this money. I replied to him if i send you 0 how much is your debt worth? he rattled off the figures again. I said yes but if you collect 0 how much is it really worth?
needless to say in my case I settled it all they all settled for a lot less. I could be sad about that I could think oh gee that ws not right of me. or that was not fair of me. or it was not fair of them to charge such fees or such interest. Or this or that I could get all wrapped up into it emotionaly.
or i can think meh its just business.
Once i started thinking MEH its just business. I was free. the weight was lifted and i was no longer trapped. I realized I didnt owe them a dime. I could pay them or not wtf did it matter? What did matter tho was my sanity and my sobriety. that had to come first and foremost. When i could get around to it i got around to it and resolved it.
My point is theres no reason to feel trapped. your not trapped at all. thats a dillusion.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 8,614
HI bc it's great that you made that decision to go ahead and quit again!
Just a small word on getting into withdrawal territory, I don't want to scare you but... please stay quit. It really is the best thing for you and once you get into withdrawal territory it can accelerate quickly. The few xanax you have left may not be enough the next time or 2 around.
So stay quit ok? Please try and find some extra support if your hubby's still drinking because it's probably gonna be a real challenge having alcohol around.
Just a small word on getting into withdrawal territory, I don't want to scare you but... please stay quit. It really is the best thing for you and once you get into withdrawal territory it can accelerate quickly. The few xanax you have left may not be enough the next time or 2 around.
So stay quit ok? Please try and find some extra support if your hubby's still drinking because it's probably gonna be a real challenge having alcohol around.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 705
Originally Posted by sleepie 
HI bc it's great that you made that decision to go ahead and quit again!
Just a small word on getting into withdrawal territory, I don't want to scare you but... please stay quit. It really is the best thing for you and once you get into withdrawal territory it can accelerate quickly. The few xanax you have left may not be enough the next time or 2 around.
So stay quit ok? Please try and find some extra support if your hubby's still drinking because it's probably gonna be a real challenge having alcohol around.
Just a small word on getting into withdrawal territory, I don't want to scare you but... please stay quit. It really is the best thing for you and once you get into withdrawal territory it can accelerate quickly. The few xanax you have left may not be enough the next time or 2 around.
So stay quit ok? Please try and find some extra support if your hubby's still drinking because it's probably gonna be a real challenge having alcohol around.
Thank you dear.
I am aware of the accelerating withdrawal, mine has pretty much stayed exactly the same since about 2011. That is by no means a brag lol, just that I know to always have some on hand. I am dearly hoping this is the last time I ever need them.As far as hubby drinking, it will be difficult in social situations for sure. He is a drinker for sure but I am far worse and the good news is that 90% of the time it was me bringing the booze into the house. So A hermit I will be for awhile and that is just fine.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 8,614
How to prepare for those social events?
I always have a huge cup of my fave non alcoholic drink on hand and sometimes 2. For something to do and consume.
It is hard though in the beginning. I know that sometimes when my BF drinks even though I wish I could too, the next day I am glad I didn't and I even smile to myself a little 'cause my butt ain't draggin
I always have a huge cup of my fave non alcoholic drink on hand and sometimes 2. For something to do and consume.
It is hard though in the beginning. I know that sometimes when my BF drinks even though I wish I could too, the next day I am glad I didn't and I even smile to myself a little 'cause my butt ain't draggin
You can have reasons, or you can have results, but you can't have both.
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Syracuse, NY
Posts: 1,232
I totally agree with everyone here -- it's awesome that you're trying again. Looks like you've been trying for quite a while, since 2011? Are you taking a different approach this time?
This is my third attempt. I tried twice in 2015 but I didn't have enough of a plan and I also wasn't ready to go "all in."
This is my third attempt. I tried twice in 2015 but I didn't have enough of a plan and I also wasn't ready to go "all in."
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 3,163
You have had great replies, but just wanted to say that I am thinking of you and wishing you well.
Try anything, try everything, just don't drink.
And try to focus on that.
The rest will come if you don't drink, but as you know if you do....
Good luck -- you can do this!
Try anything, try everything, just don't drink.
And try to focus on that.
The rest will come if you don't drink, but as you know if you do....
Good luck -- you can do this!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 705
On day 5 and feeling good. Been more productive than I have been in a long time. "Productive" being very small in that I woke up early, ate a healthy raw breakfast, did some cleaning, did some laundry. I plan to get a workout in. Nothing major but it sure beats lying in bed all day drinking wine, only so straggle out right before my husband gets home to give the appearance that I did not indeed **** the day away.
I have not yet hit up a meeting, I think I will tho. But I have been pouring over SR a lot. And, one change I have kind of discovered is the one day at a time thing. I don't know if it is because I am an impatient person, but I always worried about "how the hell am I going to pull this off forever?" I'm kind of getting it I think. Much work to be done and I caution myself to get too confident but I am hopeful.
Thanks again for all your wonderful replies. They really do help.
I have not yet hit up a meeting, I think I will tho. But I have been pouring over SR a lot. And, one change I have kind of discovered is the one day at a time thing. I don't know if it is because I am an impatient person, but I always worried about "how the hell am I going to pull this off forever?" I'm kind of getting it I think. Much work to be done and I caution myself to get too confident but I am hopeful.
Thanks again for all your wonderful replies. They really do help.
Do your best
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 67,047
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 508
Congrats on racking up the days and great to hear you are giving yourself a chance at this sober lark.
I never realised how much fun my life was until fairly recently!
Now is the only time frame, as now is always just that, NOW,
Forever, the future and any time that isn't now is, IMO, an illusion.
This has helped me manage lots of my anxiety about the future.
I think it's a great idea to hook up with others also on the sober trail locally, e.g. The AA meeting.
My personal help came in the form of AVRT and my desire to stop feeling 'that way' again.
Keep taking care of yourself, you CAN do this.
Driving my wagon of hope through beautiful views on my road to myself
I never realised how much fun my life was until fairly recently!
Now is the only time frame, as now is always just that, NOW,
Forever, the future and any time that isn't now is, IMO, an illusion.
This has helped me manage lots of my anxiety about the future.
I think it's a great idea to hook up with others also on the sober trail locally, e.g. The AA meeting.
My personal help came in the form of AVRT and my desire to stop feeling 'that way' again.
Keep taking care of yourself, you CAN do this.
Driving my wagon of hope through beautiful views on my road to myself
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