Orion

I am a fairly young man who has been an intermittently heavy drinker for six or seven years, and after taking a six-week break I am currently practicing "harm reduction," which means that I only allow myself to drink as much as I want on weekends, and abstain for most days of the week. I do not know whether this is a good idea or not, but that is where I am right now, and it is holding up for the time being.

While abstinent, I struggled with the question of why sobriety did not significantly change my life, or even make me an especially happy person. The only two concrete benefits I could point to were increased physical fitness and a slightly sharper memory. However, recently I have had a few revelations that clarified why I, and perhaps others, seek intoxication, and why it is a good idea to exercise control over one's consumption of alcohol.



The world around us has many faces. Sometimes, it is a beautiful, radiant place, but it can also be dark and foreboding. This environmental personality, for lack of a better term, seems to have an independent will and character, but is in fact a reflection of our own minds. For example, where a summer breeze is a pleasant interlude on one summer night, it creates ominous rustlings in the trees and feelings of loneliness on another, even when the conditions are exactly the same.

For some people the world is volatile and unpredictable; at once as tempestuous and as sweet as a teenage love affair. I like to think that this is the result of a keen attachment through our senses to the external environment, but our own imagination will suffice to recreate the same state of mind even when lacking outside stimuli.

It can be very stimulating to experience this degree of emotional volatility and imagination, but eventually most of us want more control over our lives. Feeling out of control leads to fear, anxiety, a sense of worthlessness, the perception that there is no purpose to life, and countless other negative thoughts.

Drugs, including alcohol, give us a fast, easy means to assert control over what face our "environmental personality" shows to us. Alcohol in particular gives us the option of ignoring some of the disturbing faces of the world. It is a torch we can wield to chase out the cold darkness. No matter how cold and grim the world outside, we can walk into a pub, have a couple of drinks, and feel the warmth flow from the bottle into our limbs.

Because our perception of the environment around us is so strongly influenced by our mood, the ability to alter our mood gives us a sense of power over the environment. Perhaps this grows out of our inherently social human nature; our mood in a social setting does actually have a strong effect on the real environment, which proves that the sense of power provided by mood-altering substances is not entirely illusory.

However, this power and control has its limitations. Although a torch can light up a small corner of the world, it cannot reveal everything, and it blinds us to the subtler shades of the night. The pilot of a ship steers at night in darkness at the wheel, because he knows that any light would hide the dangers that might lie ahead. Like the pilot, we cannot afford to blind ourselves when guiding our lives through the narrow channels and around the rocky shoals that we all encounter from time to time. Those of us who cannot stare the world in the face when it shows its worst will eventually face real disaster.

splendra

Orion-

Welcome to Sober Recovery. I can tell that from the few paragraphs you wrote that you are a great writer. I hope you will post alot here.

I wonder if you were sober when you wrote your post today? To me it seems that "harm reduction" makes it easier for you to think up reasons for alcohol to be your best friend and for you to come up with a very eloquent excuse for drinking. But, lift up the eloquent excuse and see that there are issues that you are running from.

I mean really feeling more phyiscally fit and clearer headed doesn't do much for you??? Maybe you are too young to realize the bennifits of feeling good in your body and being clearer headed. Feeling better and clearer headed was my 2 main reasons for staying sober!!! A healthy body and mind helped me to look at what an emotional and spiritual wreck I was and gave me the strenghth to work on my issues.

Know matter how eloquent your writing is about why you drink it is like wrapping up doggie doo in a beautiful wrapper....yes the wrapping is nice but it is still doggie doo....keep coming back!!!

lonlion

Hi Orion, I agree with Splendra, you are a very eloquent writer. That was a very philisophical explanation of how to keep your drinking. This is such an insidious disease. It has a life of its own within us.
My brother tells me the same things. He went to his doctor and his doctor told him his liver was enlarged. My brother said he only drinks on weekends. You can't have a problem if you only drink on weekends can you?
The answer, yes. He may only drink on weekends, but how much is he drinking in one sitting? I know where you are at, because it was that mindset that got me back out there. I learned quick enough that I could not be "balanced". Maybe you are different as you say. Only time will tell. If you find you cannot control it again, we will be here to support you without judgement.
All the best

Music

Hi Orion,
When I started drinking at about age 18, I did so by making a conscious choice. I planned my drinking bouts, i.e. on some weekends, at parties, etc. As time passed, my drinking, while still a choice, was made almost unconciously. In the end, it just seemed to be the thing to do. Drinking had become automatic. Drinking was in my every day planning. It took the place of other things that to "normal" people should have taken preference over taking a drink. It became a way of life...I dare say, drinking was the most important thing in my life. When I went to my first AA meeting and was told that I had a choice whether to drink or not, it came as a surprise to me. It had been a long time since I'd thought of it that way. I had to learn how to make the choice not to drink and then follow through with that choice. I'd been drinking unconsciously for so long that I didn't know how to make a "conscious" choice not to drink and then take the necessary action to iimpliment that choice. I learned that if I was at an AA meeting, the cnaces were that I wouldn't drink. Before and after the meeting I made contacts with other AAs who would remind me that I had a choice and help me to plan my actions. AA gave me a plan through the working of the 12 steps, going to meetings, hanging with other AAs and changing my mental, emotional, and spiritual thinking so I could accomodate the choice to not drink.

As a result, I've been sober long enough now so that I don't have to make a conscious choice to not drink. Not drinking is as much a part of my life today as drinking was before I came to AA. I'm not consumed with AA like I was in the beginning but my mind, body and spirituality is such that my life today is not condusive to the use of alcohol. I don't need it any more.

I was told in the beginning that analising paralizes. So I keep it simple. I don't drink, I go to meetings, I have a sponsor and I try to the best of my ability to work the 12 steps on a daily basis.

Kit

Orion, what made you take the six week break? You wrote, beautifully, about why you want to keep drinking on weekends, but you did decide to stop drinking. I tried weekend drinking for awhile as well. Unfortunately, drinking made me feel out of control rather than in control. If it makes you feel in control, why are you abstaining? I'm sure I never would have stopped if I achieved the enlightenment which you experience. Rather, I kept on smashing into the rocky shoals. Do you really feel that good about drinking? Again, why did you stop in the first place?

Orion

I think a few of you misunderstood me. I'm not trying to explain why I still drink, but what is going on in the minds of those of us who are pre-disposed to abuse alcohol. I am fully aware of the dangers of drinking, having seen people rot before my eyes from alcoholism. As for my own choice, I'll answer the question below, and hopefully explain myself a little better.

I took a six-week break from drinking for two reasons. The first is that I was afraid that I was becoming dependent, and the second is that I was out of shape and overweight. I set a period of time for myself during which I would not touch a drink, and I followed it to the end. I even left a beer in my fridge to make a point to myself; that point being that whether or not I chose to drink was a matter of my own will.

Although I have been a fairly heavy drinker at times, I do not tend to get out of hand when I drink. I would drink to relax myself and/or get to sleep. At most, I would go through about 35-40 drinks per week, which, admittedly, is not a small amount. I do not drink heavily when I go out. I am very wary of being drunk in public or around strangers, having learned my lesson early on. Because of this, no one who hadn't seen my recycling bin would have known that I drank a lot.

I sometimes ask myself whether drinking is worth it if I feel that it is potentially dangerous to me. I don't think I've answered that question yet. I'm still not sure that I can handle it, but I'm not sure that I cannot handle it, either. I know plenty of people who cannot handle alcohol, and who should never drink again, but continue to do so. I have been exposed to alcoholism throughout my entire life. I have seen it kill people. I know people who will probably die soon because of it. I also know many people who are abstinent. They see nothing but evil in the bottle, and I can't blame them for it.

However, I know that there is something besides ethanol, that simple chemical, that makes the alcoholic. There is something about who we are that makes us crave the sweet, warm feeling of liquor as it goes down the throat. I have come to the conclusion that if I cannot understand what it is about me that craves the drug, I will never have the self-control that I really want. If I simply blame the booze, and refuse to take a hard look at myself, I will always be a slave to impulses that I cannot understand.

Even worse, I feel, than being a slave to impulses, is being a slave to fear. Fear and terror, I think, are two reasons many people turn to alcohol, which in turn can eventually exacerbate these feelings, and render the user helpless without it. To me, it seems that replacing one phobia with another, that is, fear of sobriety with fear of alcohol, would hardly be a step forward. What I am seeking to do is to do is face my fears, not with a bottle in hand, nor with any dogma, but alone and awake. I need to do this because these fears are always there, and they always will be. Only then can I truly exercise free will, because there is nothing free about a decision made under threat, whether it be to drink or to abstain.

Music

Now that I've been sober for a few years, I sometimes wonder what the big deal was about drinking in the first place. As more time passes and I think about some of the things I did while drinking, it's hard to believe that I ever did rely on booze to the extent that I did. I believe that when a person becomes concerned with his drinking, he's already in trouble. It's kind of like worrying about shutting the barn door after the horse is already out.

Denial comes in many forms. One of the experiments of a person in denial IMO is to try quitting for a period of time, or to try some controlled drinking to prove he can pass the test. When the test is over, he eventually goes back to the same manner of drinking, thinking he's once again in control. In a short time though, he's trying some other kind of test because the failing grade reared it's ugly head.

But, that's the way it goes. Like the Big Book says, "Few people quit while there was still time." We tend to try all forms of self-delusion just to prove we can drink lilke "normal" people. Problem is, "normal" people don't have to test themselves. They don't feel the need to. :ugh2:

splendra

Orion-

I hear ya. But, I think this fear you speak of are echoings of the sickness of addiction. I understand your desire to be able to control your drinking. I used to take every Febuary off from drinking mainly because it was the shortest month and I wanted to clean my body out. But each time I did that and went back to drinking I became a little sicker and more desparate to run from my fear.

Fears that are faced sober eventually shrink fears that make us run to our doc get bigger. I still think you are looking for excuses to drink. Looking for the elusive reason why you drink and not facing that perhaps because of your genetic predisposition or that somehow you have developed a sickness in which one of the symptoms is drinking alcohol to the point of intoxication when you do drink. Honey you are a great writer and a drunk just like many of us here. Fear can be a good motivator, I know my fear of being hit by a train will keep me off the track when I hear the horn blowing. When I tell myself I need a drink I know I need to have a clear headed look at what I am a fraid of. Fear is about self preservation and they can become irrational in an intoxicated mind. But, I will take a little healthy fear of being drunk if it keeps me from drinking.... and also you say nobody notices that you drink and it doesn't affect your relationships or your work I say

Aimee2

Hi Orion,

I'm new to this board and have mostly been reading and not posting recently, but I did want to comment on your post. I think the reason why we like to drink is quite simple and non-philisophical--we drink because (at least for a while) it makes us feel good. For you the "feel good" may be the illusion of control, for me it's the relaxed, giggly feeling I get. The challenge is to re-learn ways to feel good without needing a chemical.
Good luck in your quest!

Aimee

MegH33

I drink to get drunk.

Self Knowledge is great.

While Drunk, I'll never achieve it

I'm sorry to say, I think your copping out. I am not sorry to say, that when you OR ANYONE is ready--I will be here to help.

God Bless

Don S

Hi, orion,

This is an interesting perspective you're providing. You are a heavy drinker who has demonstrated that you can quit, and are reducing your drinking. I certainly don't see any BS, any disease or denial, or any copouts or excuses. Just some valid introspection and contemplation about sobriety, if not a commitment to it.

You seem to be very rationally considering abstinence and weighing the benefits of sobriety vs. the benefits drinking is providing you. That is one of the first steps towards sobriety: awareness of your present condition, and contemplation of change. I think you should be congratulated for that, wherever it happens to lead you. Plenty of people never get to that stage. As you can see, though, you won't get much support on this forum for anything resembling harm reduction or moderation.

I'd suggest you consider that your current rate of consumption is known to be unhealthy. If you want to implement harm reduction, you might look at the guidelines suggested by Moderation Management for the maximum number of drinks per week. Moderation is more complicated than abstinence! You have to consider what is the 'right' amount of alcohol to provide the perceived benefits, and have some way of stopping when you reach that point.

Personally, I found abstinence a lot easier to sustain than trying to drink a certain amount each day or week. But there are plenty of people who successfully moderate their drinking. In my opinion, alcohol use and abuse is a continuum, not an inevitable progression, and some people move from heavy to moderate drinking (and back), with intermittent sobriety, over the course of their lives. Many of us found the progression to be towards heavy drinking, and the side effects very undesirable, so we just quit altogether.

Music makes a good point about the tendency to slide back into past consumption patterns after quitting for a while. That would be a good early warning that you might be heading towards alcohol abuse and dependence. The problem, of course, is that we may not see it happening, and our drinking friends aren't likely to be much help in monitoring it.

Moderate drinkers don't drink every day and don't routinely drink with the intention of getting drunk. Moderate drinking is considered healthy; the amount you're drinking isn't. So you might just check with your doctor and get a liver test every so often. I know 'fairly young' guys don't go to the doctor very often. When was your last physical exam?

Some exploration with a counselor about your motives for drinking and some reasonable goals in managing it might be helpful. Not drinking isn't going to make you happy. Other things about your life do that. But sobriety makes happiness easier to recognize, and helps us keep focused on the goals that provide contentment.

I think it's very useful to consider the reasons we drink. I started a thread about obstacles to sobriety for that reason--when we choose to quit, knowing why we drank, what the triggers are, and where we're likely to face temptation is part of the process of planning for sobriety. Whether you choose moderation or sobriety, this process can be helpful to you and to lots of other people. So thanks for posting!

Don S

Orion

Thank you, Don, for your response.

I have to admit that your "affirmation" thread played a large part in my introspection. You paint such a compelling picture of sobriety that I doubt even the most committed drunk could ignore it.

It is a little frustrating to see that many of the responses here are not supportive of my self-analysis. One advised me not to over-analyze. Unfortunately, that is impossible. When I am sober, I analyze. When I drink, I can put that on hold - to an extent.

What I am trying to do is accept that part of myself and live with it. If I were to simply follow some doctrine that orders me to abstain based on some rather leaky logic, I could easily find fault with it and end up back where I started. For example, when I am reading anti-alcohol Muslim literature, I find many ridiculous statements about alcohol and its dangers. Alcohol is blamed for a multitude of vices, such as prostitution, rape and theft, in western society, but these vices are equally prevalent in Muslim societies, whether they care to admit it or not. Therefore, I am inclined to reject their assertions concerning the dangers of alcohol consumption.

However, if I find that I am suffering serious physical consequences as a result of drinking, I will be far more likely to consider that alcohol may be dangerous. As I previously stated, that is one of the reasons that I decided to take a break. I was getting a bit fat, and I have always been a fit, athletic person. The mirror pushed me towards sobriety, proving that vanity can sometimes be a very healthy sentiment.

I do not know whether most "normal" drinkers never feel the need to test themselves. I do know that many people who are "normal" drinkers at my age were drinking far more than I did a few years ago while in college. I cannot say whether I am very different from them; maybe I developed more of an inveterate drinking style than they did. I can, however, say that a drinking problem can occur at any time in a person's life, and can also be halted at almost any point, with the possible exception of those who have already suffered significant brain-damage.

I should probably note that one of the reasons I am posting here is that I am an adult child of an alcoholic, and this is the deepest source of my concern. I grew up around some very stark examples of what alcohol can do to a person's life, and I am not willing to ever let this happen to me or my family. I know that if I ever see myself falling down the hole I have seen others fall into, I will quit. However, I don't want to acknowledge that I am such a weak, contemptible man unless it is proven beyond the shadow of a doubt. Perhaps that's what it comes down to, and that's why I'm not willing to swear it off yet. I'm not ready to consign myself to that lot.

splendra

(((((Orion)))))

All the reason why you drink seem to me to be good reasons to quit. To me it seems that drinking takes up a lot of your thought life and social life. If you are ACOA all the more reason to be looking at the 12 steps for recovery. The reason you drink my be about conditions in your childhood maybe there is something buried in your sub-conscience about drinking is what men do. Deeply in grained enviromental patterns are extreemly hard to break. I had a lot of examples of drinking growing up. It sounds like you did too even though now you can see the the effects were very negative the compulsion to drink is with you now.

I may be irratating you with my opinions which is not my goal here. I feel that I am advocating for your mind, body and, spirit..... I do care and I am trying to help you see another side to what you are doing to yourself.

At all cost be at Peace.....

Dinosaur

I think you're trying to over-analyse everything. Maybe I used to do this to so I kind of have a radar for when other people do it. Can you just not accept that you can't understand every little thing and just let it be?

You're other point of having a clear head and being physically fitter, well thats what keeps me going. I like waking up in the morning and not feeling like I've been run over, I was just fed up with it, and it's as simple as that.