Luna1231

Ive been sober for two months however I have started to hate myself so much. I hate everything I am. Im 23 years old. Unemployed, HS drop out and feel like i've disappointed everyone in my life, especially myself.
I hate everything i've done since i was 18 years old. The partying and the reckless, self-destructive behaviour. DUI.

I feel so ashamed and cannot live with myself. How can someone hit rock bottom and still continue?

I never listened to my mother trying to help me and I honestly thought I wasn't really that bad. But I was. I was really THAT bad.

I am so ashamed of everything i've done. I wish I could have decided to be the daughter my parents deserved. Not a failure.

When I wake up in the morning, the first emotion I feel is shame. At the night, same thing. I am completely consumed by it...

I wish i could go back in time and change EVERYTHING

Im sorry for the rant guys.

Hellride

It's healthy to feel guilt, but don't let that turn into self-hate or self-pity. Use it to push yourself forward and help others around you. You've come a long way. Some people feel no remorse for their actions even years later. Congratulations on two months.

sugarbear1

Congrats on 2 months!

I, too suffered from self-centered self loathing. You can change things, when you want to!! You already are doing this!!

love and hugs sent your way

SoberinSyracuse

Don't blame me for being a textbook Capricorn but it's my natural personality to be action-oriented, and a problem solver.

You can't make these feelings disappear overnight, but you can take one small step each day to disprove them.

Today, do one small thing a loser wouldn't do. Clean your room or apartment. Or pay some bills. Or go help a friend with something. Or exercise. Or read up up on the candidates and register to vote.

Get my drift? Take a small action TODAY. And then do the same thing tomorrow.

Hawkeye13

23 three years old is plenty of time to start fresh.
Two months of sobriety is fantastic--
Keep that going, and I promise you the rest will follow.
Short term, are you checking the ads for a "starter job" to get back on your feet?

Have you looked into getting your GED going? That can be easier to do than you think.
and will help you get a better job.
There's lots of options for
community college / vocational training if you're interested in a quick career.
Or, once you get the GED, you could look into a four year program.

Your dreams aren't over--they are just beginning.

Luna1231

I have changed and done things to better myself.

I am going back to school, for example.

Its just so hard thinking about the past so much.

How did you learn to forgive yourself? Thank you for your support. This forum has helped me greatly through my sobriety.

huntingtontx

Two months is fantastic. You will learn to love yourself. Be gentle with yourself. Treat yourself as your mother would treat you.. She would love you and forgive you, and tell you all will be well, and it will. 23 is young. I did not even drive till I was 21. I am glad you are going back to school. There are so many good programs out there to help you get where you are going. I got a ged, then some college. It has not held me back, and you don't have to let it hold you back either. Remind yourself, you are not your past, you are your future, and if you keep heading in the way you are going it is going to be a good one. We are all here for you. You are not alone on SR. I know you can do this.

Dave42001

Nice work on your 2 months!! Don't beat yourself up!! Look back at the past but don't stare!! Learn from the past and don't make those mistakes again! Move forward one day at a time!! Wishing you the best!!

least

It's hard to forgive ourselves when we'd done so much wrong. But it has to be done if we want to move forward. Treat yourself with the same compassion you would give a friend.

SoberinSyracuse

Forgot to mention: I dropped out of HS and eventually earned a Ph.D. So I agree with the advice to take the first step toward the GED. That's how I did it. GED, then two years of junior college, then a 4-year program, then directly into a doctoral program (skipped the masters and got a full scholarship to doctoral program based on academic performance).

Comeback stories are way sexier than silver-spoon stories anyway.

Soberwolf

Congrats on 2 months

https://youtu.be/psN1DORYYV0

https://youtu.be/iCvmsMzlF7o

Luna1231

That's so inspiring soberinsyracuse ! Ive been studying for my GED and will be getting examed on the second of febuary.

I am not going to be in the states until next January as my fiancee is stationed in europe so I will have to apply for april/september 2017.

I was thinking maybe doing an online program but since i'm wanting to go into nursing I feel I will have to wait as alot of it is campus- based.

SoberinSyracuse

That's awesome. You might be able to knock out a few core classes online. I was able to take care of chemistry and biology that way. Saved some $$. :-)

oldsoul1122

Thanks for sharing honest feelings. I felt the same way a few month ago. It's easy to get so overwhelmed early on. At 6 months now my perspective about the past and future have changed. Most of the time the past feels like a different lifetime, different me. I found that getting active in creating a new life making changes helps tremendously. You'll find yourself dwelling on the past less and less and feeling better about yourself as you are moving on. Start with just one change and keep building on that.

Kallistia

Your brain is all haywire now also - I'm not minimizing how you feel - but could some of the frustrations and depression be the result of a healing brain trying to sort and file everything? Do some reading into PAWS - I believe it was Dee who once shared a link to the most comprehensive article on PAWS I've ever read. Perhaps it can be reshared...unfortunately I no longer have it

Congratulations on your two months Keep trucking to three and four and onward and track how you feel - maybe keep a diary or something to track your emotions over time and see if there's any specific triggers or times of the day that send you into self-hate mode?

Delfin

Give yourself more time, Luna. Shame and guilt were constant emotions the first few months but got much better around 4 months.

Delfin

Ariesagain

Maybe you're looking at the wrong part? To me, I see a very young person who is that very rare and smart individual who can see where the alcohol path leads...and is choosing to go another way. That is HUGE.

I'm 57 and I would have given up an appendage to have been that smart at your age.

I'm having a very depressed day myself, so I'm not preaching sunshine and kittens, believe me...I get it.

But I wish you would give yourself more credit, because you deserve it.

Dee74

I agree with others here Luna - you're turning things around at a young age - I was close enough to twice your age before I had the self awareness to do that

There's nothing you can do about your past - you need to accept that like we all have to - but there's an amazing amount of things you can do with your today

I've done more in the last 8 years than I did in the previous 20 before that.

I see my life now as a living amends for what went before - and somewhere along the way who I was become more important than who I had been, and I forgave myself

2 months is great but it's closer to the beginning of the journey than the end.
Be kind to yourself

D

waynetheking

Just dont luna. Things will get better and these negative feelings will pass. The key here is time. The longer you stay sober the easier it becomes to deal with the pass.
Beleave me you're as bad as you think you are. Once the fog clears you will see.

waynetheking

I meant NOT as bad as you think you are.