sleepie

I guess I thought after all the drama of getting off benzos and alcohol, I was fooled into believing I was going to do well. I forgot that even before I ever drank or took a pill, I was working with a damaged piece of equipment. I foolishly went in hopeful, as I have time and time again in life- only to have it blow up in my face. Every time I try to tell myself that maybe this time it'll be different, or try to "positive attitude" my way into not having an LD anymore, it doesn't work. Its the same because I'm the same and until they make a therapy or med that fixes learning disorders, it's not going to change.

I just feel really bad because my life won't be getting better despite going through the hell of quitting 2 addictive substances. Nope. I don't get to have that story. My major piece of equipment is broken. What really sucks is also that this was no doing of my own. I didn't choose my gray matter. Knowing there is no med, therapy or treatment makes me very hopeless and sad. And it should, because it is. It is sad, and it is difficult and discouraging and many, many times heart breaking to live this way. It doesn't feel like living. It's a very cruel joke.

Jut be my friends, that's all I need. Don't judge me or deem me "negative".

Just be my friends. Because now I'm facing the nightmare of this life, with this damaged and vital piece of equipment, without relief. Ever. No relief. No drink after another disappointing day, no benzo to help me sleep after another day of land mines, knowing I can't do better.

zjw

I love how you put it. I know in my case i was pretty anxious prior to drinking i had thought it was the abusive upbringing or something and maybe being sober things would be diff since my life now doesnt include abuse. But alas its still a struggle.

You got your LD through no fault of your own. It aint your fault and there aint much you can do about it. it is what it is. But you can be gentle to yourself about it. Go easy on yourself etc... You are the way that you are and your doing your best you have to try and be ok with that.

I know when i sobered up I new I sucked. I new i was half the man i once was. I prolly sounded a lot like you or worse etc.. But I got to a point where i was liek ya know this is MY best. It might not be good enough but its the best i got and its all i got to give and I'm not gonna sit here and beat myself up over something i'm clearly just not capable of. I figured people will just have to take me as i am or not take me at all **** if i care.

I felt a lot of relief thinking like that.

sometimes life just is what it is and all we can do is be greatful for the few things we got etc..

zjw

and i know what you mean about positive thinking my way out of this. HA i had people tell me to cheer up and dont worry rarara keep charging forawrd while i was unemployed broke asking for hand outs and had a a business failing miserably with kids to feed. I thought sure i'll just smile my way out of this mess ! sure thing. i'll got o bankruptcy court with a smile. I 'll let them foreclose on my house with a smile I"ll be positive rarara. yeah sure!

yeah been there. But what i can do when i'm faced with that kinda crap is do what i can and just allow the pieces to fall where they may. Shrug my shoulders and just move on. That much I've managed to figure out.

sleepie

There are so may ups and downs in a day with all this zjw. I also thought my anxieties were from an abusive upbringing! I mean for years I was trying to "fix" an unknown ld with therapy. Yeah that doesn't work. I do have plenty anxieties because of how I was brought up but I can assure ya it's compounded by this faulty grey matter of mine.

Obladi

I'll be your friend, Sleepie.

This conversation you and zjw is putting me in mind of a "discovery" I made within the last couple of years thanks to the Myers Briggs personality survey. In this thing, I come up as a rare breed of personality type. Which is not surprising to me because I've always felt quite different than others. No surprise to me, as I was brought up being indoctrinated by my mother that my parents were "social *******." The apple doesn't fall far from the tree, right?

But the makers of this assessment put quite a different spin on things. When I was open to really listening to the message what I heard was that we each have our traits, but being different doesn't make any of us "wrong." Wow, that really changed things up for me.

I'm not trying to Pollyanna you, I swear. It just sounds like you have a really good sense of who you are and what you need to help you succeed ("Help me to know why I care about this thing!" "Teach me this way and I'll get it.") and perhaps if you can become comfortable with expressing that, it might be helpful?

Just an idea.

davaidavai

I was just thinking about how real it all is. Realities don't sink in all the way, and a lot of the pain is from holding onto to the cliff. Like, I'm not very good at life. I'm bad at self confidence. I rush things because I'm insecure. I'm impatient and want approval in all things human. I always feel like the rug is going to suddenly get pulled out from under me. My house is built upon the sand of an oversensative nature, an unhappy childhood, and frankly, a visible dearth of approval, acres of alone-time, two messed up parents that make me feel deeply sad, years of trying to live in my father's sad fantasy world. I'm branded in a way by my experiences. Even if only I can see the brand when I look at myself in the mirror, that is enough to maintain the inertia. Until inertia seems like a higher power. My mother's higher power. And it doesn't sink in all the way, and I don't want it to sink in because a part of my nature is to avoid realities, and so the years roll by and I am hanging on to avoid letting it sink in: I'm my parent's son. The only thing I can come up with is a deeper acceptance. Like a prisoner of a well who, instead of getting to know what it's like for real at the bottom of the well, he is always trying to wish himself into another life, and that's the suffering and the stasis. But at the bottom of the well, all is not bleak. There is moss. There is the gentle, confused, harmless nature of the person who fell in there, a foolish trapser of pastures, the son of fools and dreamers and screwed up human beings trying to wake to reality. Maybe at last understand more fully and accept that situation and embrace it and love it until it changes, or not, but then maybe it won't matter anymore.

sleepie

Hey Obladi!

Well, I really don't know what way of showing me something would work. It's unfortunate but my setting is just on "slow". I hate to use that word. But employers really can't have that, I mean I need to basically learn one thing, get good at that then the next, then the next, then maybe start doing them together.

That's not how the world works though.

In recent years I have realized this about myself. Figuring out I have this disorder really brought all the pieces of the puzzle together for me. I usually focus in one thing, to the exclusion of all other things. I can only do one thing at a time.

A therapist told me years ago that results on the personality test can and do change. I guess people can change! He said he was required to take it twice in his filed and got a different result each time.

sleepie

Davai!

Davai is here

sleepie

Thank you Obladi this means so much to me
You all know me more than anyone IRL, save for my BF.

Obladi

So that's a thing you know, Sleepie.
Start you with one thing until you get good at it, then move on to the next.
What things can you already do well that you might be able to throw into the mix?

Another thing you could do is figure out what's the best way for you to write stuff down and keep track of it. For instance, a lot of my coworkers use Microsoft OneNote. You can search your notes by key word and quickly get to what you are looking for. And what's cool is that your notes save automatically and don't get lost because they are on the computer. Or you can use "Sticky Notes" - I do that sometimes to keep something in my face until I remember it. Again, once you create the sticky note, it stays on your computer until you delete it.

Just some ideas...

Obladi

My personality test changes slightly based on what perspective I have when taking it. Because of who I "really" am as opposed to who I am in public, the results differ depending on whether I am taking the perspective of the real me or the work me.

I guess people can change, but I come out pretty much the same type, and have consistently over the years. I think this is the more common outcome, but what do I know?

sleepie

Part of it too though is that I have to maintain some pride here.
I want to crawl under the blankets and never go back, but also I want to just do the damn thing and do it well and "handle" it. I just want to be a valued part of something. I know having no family is part of this and I hope that's not totally dysfunctional.

Another part of my situation is I need to at least pay some taxes and feel like I am contributing to life and the world somehow. Even if that's all I do.

But then another bad day happens and I want to run for the hills. I just don't know how much I have left in me, I am very worn from a lifetime of this.

sleepie

The nature of my job is to have to juggle many things at once. There's just no way to learn one thing at a time. I have to keep pounding away at it I guess and just let the chips fall, which I think is kind of what Davai was saying, though I was rather distracted by the poetic and metaphorical way he was writing so I could be very wrong.

Obladi

I think he was saying "it is what it is."

sleepie

oops!

Davaidavai how have you/ where have you been?

Cow

I think he saying, you not stand any chance to ever find what they might be to appreciate in "what is" if you never fully accept "what is," and just keep desparaging that "what is" is not otherwise.

I liked the little story very much, DD. It apply to me as well, and I was move by its wisdoms.

sleepie

This is confusing maybe I am taking it too literally. I mean I'd love to find myself but I have to pay the bills too ya know?

Obladi

You are right there where you've always been, but not necessarily how you've always perceived yourself. If you can take a step to the side and view who and where you are with compassion and love and a good dollop of appreciation you will be one step closer.

Obladi

And you'll still be able to pay the bills.

Soberwolf

Hi Sleepie il be your friend hold on ... I'm already your friend