sleepie

Ok so today was a very typical day with LD. At every job I've had, something explodes in my face eventually. It's always big and pretty bad. So today was that day for me at this new job.
I know people are thinking "Everyone makes mistakes at a new job". But it's not like that. I can't explain it but basically you could show me something and explain it ten times in a row and it goes right over my head. It can be clearly marked, it can be in huge bold letters, I will just not get it and it is SO SO hard for me to care or pay attention to things I really don't genuinely care about and this plays into it. My current shrink is convinced I have ADD though I never brought it up to him and often this LD gets misdiagnosed as that and other things but until I can either afford or have insurance that covers about 7 hours of evaluation by a psychologist I won't really know. A person can have both too.

But I do know I had yet another field of land mines explode in my face today and I almost don't even care because this has happened so many times. I don't even care if I get fired. There's nothing I can do.

GroundhogDay

I think it is very normal to not care about things you cannot control or change. You know it is a waste of your time and can only lead to feelings of frustration and powerlessness.

I wish I had some good suggestions for you on how best to make a living. There must be some way to apply your strong verbal and artistic skills in a team setting where others handle the things you can't.

sleepie

That's ok Groundhog like I said in the original post I just need to tell it cause I can't in real life.
It sucks cause I know my company is gonna eat the cost of my dumb mistakes.

I hate it cause people think I'm great in the interview, this has happened so many times. Then things go South.

I wish that I could blame it on drinking. But even stopping that doesn't fix this.

This is a lonely damn road.

fantail

Do you think if you did the psych evaluation they would be able to figure out workarounds? My sister has some learning disabilities (I'm not sure which ones) and she has a whole system worked out where she knows how she needs information laid out in order to understand it. She'll interrupt me and tell me to change the way I'm describing something, for example. I'm not actually sure how much of that comes from therapy and how much she just figured out herself. But she does seem to be pretty good at advising people now. This isn't really advice, more just curious if things like that work for you too.

fantail

Also: sorry about your day. I really understand what that feels like. I;ve been fired from 3 jobs and it really feels terrible to keep having bad outcomes when you're trying hard.

sleepie

Hey Fan
That would be great. I am looking into how to get testing. I just can't live like this anymore, if I am ADD too I guess I oughta know.

sleepie

I'm having an anxiety attack knowing I Have to go back there today. No breaks just locked into my desk for 6 hours afraid of what I'll screw up next.

Dropsie

Sleepie,

I don't know what to say, but I am thinking of you.

If loving thoughts help, they are coming your way. Feel them...

I have mentioned my daughters learning issues, they have not figured out what they are, but they are not what you have. She seems to be catching up, so it may be OK, but the sense of failure never goes away. I do my best to help, but her father is not so good at understanding anything less than smart. IQ wise that is, EQ wise he flunks every test.

What you said that meant so much to me was the feeling you had of not having a real self, which I think she has sometimes.

Breaks my heart. Thank you for helping me understand how hard it s.

zjw

that stinks sleepie. A few weeks ago I looked up ADD myself and was floored how many symptoms match me. In my case i was like you gotta be kidding me so if i go to a doc what then? whats the point i figured. So i just make do. I dunno maybe there is something they can do maybe i should go get diagnosed myself.

and combined with anxiety and panic its awful.

My mom a couple months ago said to me. "you know we should have had you checked out I bet you have some kind of LD or something going on as well" I almost strangled her. why? because instead i just got beat for every friggen bad grade and academic struggle i had. Yeah mom you prolly should have but instead you did nothing beat the snot out of me for crap grades. I got told i was not stupid tho oddly but never understood why i struggled so much.

I could keep ranting. But in my situation i've learned to shrug my shoulders and think whatever will be will be.

but yea its pretty scary. in early sobriety I felt i was disabled or something i'd cry about it and such. But now like i said i'm like whatever will be will be. If they fire me over this stuff oh well what can i do.

Not much of a strategy maybe but freaking out about it all the time wasnt helping me either it just made it worse.

bullmas

bysleepie
That would be great. I am looking into how to get testing. I just can't live like this anymore, if I am ADD too I guess I oughta know.
IME:
I got my high level psych eval testing 2 weeks ago by the top doctors ( and top dollar ) out of town" specialist "available ( in my state ) their evaluation was the same as my local family doctor's was, I just thought a specialist could come up with something else besides what I already knew,

Hope you have better results

cheers

( My goal in life is to have Psychiatric Disorder named after me)

120degrees0ut

I care about You, Sleepie. Ive always thought you are Sweet! I know all about crap jobs cuz i dont have an education. i am actually just happy to have a job and even passing an interview is the most difficult part for me. people call me stupid and ******** at least once a week or more. Oh, mostly i get called Crazy. what can i do? I cant help it they are horrible "people." Screw them. I hope U are doing a little better today Sleeps..

wanttobehealthy

What is the LD you have or the diagnosis that is not in the DSM? I work in the eval field and maybe could give you some direction/help if you want if you tell us what the disorder is? Just a shot in the dark...

Dropsie

How are you doing sleeps?

sleepie

Hey guys and Hi 120 !I have today off I have to run a bunch of errands...

It is non verbal learning disorder or NVLD.

I am going to pretty much spend the day watching "Homeland" after my errands. I'm walking to do errands as it is unseasonably warm out. No more winters no more snow I miss my snow.

Dropsie

I just learned that a friend of mine's son has NVLD. I would have had no clue what that was but for knowing you. helps me relate. thanks.

How is the Homeland orgy going??

Is Shabs around??

Turtle??

Missing my peeps.....

sleepie

It is ok but so far season 5 isn't as good as season 4.

I saw Shab on another thread yesterday. I also say Trach somewhere.

Wow you know someone with NVLD... I hope they will be handled with sensitivity and compassion.

I have to go back to work tomorrow. I was out all afternoon. How about you Drops?

trachemys

Hi y'all. Doin' OK?

I keep tabs on you from my phone but hate trying to "type" on it.`

sleepie

Hey Trach yeah it's ok just havin' my coffee wheee
Hope you are well.

sleepie

My brain feels like it's going to explode.

I have to go back to work. I can't do this job.

Just trying to decide, quit or be fired?

zjw

been asking myself the same thing for years now. I just exist anymore and collect paychecks it seems. I'd fire myself if i could with an ok layoff / severence would be ideal *sigh*

In the meantime I try to just be.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TFGAvPud80A

I found the above video from Eckhart Tolle to be beneficial for this topic.