The Origin of the Hellride
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 3
The Origin of the Hellride
I just wanted to write this out in order to lay out for myself how truly ****** up my degradation over the last few months has been.
I was the best employee at my job. I was given merit-based raises, constantly praised for my work ethic and speed, and there was a lot of hinting at my escalation in the company despite my relatively short time there. I was also very self-disciplined. Ate really healthy, worked out consistently and stayed in really good shape.
Despite all that, I have a very serious problem with anxiety. I fall into a sort of "serious" personality as a default which makes it both hard for others to connect with me and hard for me to break out of my shell and connect with others. It cultivates a more uptight personality then I really have. I feel like an animal trapped in a cage. So the people at my job never really see the side of me I want them to see. When I hang out with friends, I drink. Like most people, drinking takes the edge off and allows me to break down those social barriers. I'm wittier, more bold, more exciting to be around, etc. Anxiety is hell, and alcohol tricks you into thinking you're in heaven.
So up until a certain point I kept the drinking to the weekends, but then something changed. My job got a new employee. A girl. You can probably guess where this goes. I crushed hard on her, but because of the above anxiety, barely spoke to her. There was a kind of implication from the other co-workers of hooking us up, and we made a lot of heavy eye contact but I knew if I was going to keep her interest I'd have to start talking to her. But I wanted her to see the "real" me, the animal trapped inside the cage, not the boring "serious" me. I started drinking after work, well into the night and sometimes pulling all nighters hoping that the combination of sleeplessness and semi-drunkenness would help take me out of my shell a bit. It did. We started to talk a lot more. I felt a connection.
I would rationalize these drunken all-nighters as willpower challenges. "Can you stay up all night drunk and then go to work? Of course you can! You're Superman." But because I was up all night drinking, I'd start to miss sessions at the gym. But despite that, I still stayed lean and didn't overeat like a lot of alcoholics tend to do (I think). Keep in mind, I only drink hard liquor, not beer.
Anyway, soon enough the sleeplessness got to me. The body needs rest. So what I would start to do is go to bed early and then have a small drink before work. This soon transitioned into a small drink on the way to work mixed with soda in a water bottle (that's right). I have a semi-long commute, so I would get a nice buzz on the way to work and ward off the social anxiety a bit. The drinks got bigger. I would start to go out to my car for lunch to have more drinks in order to maintain the buzz. If I ran out of liquor, I'd start going to the liquor during lunch and buying little nips. Soon the nips turned to pints.
Very quickly I had an entire system worked out where I would have enough liquor stashed in my car so that I could make a mix drink for the way to work and have enough to make another drink when I got to work (the water bottles turned into soda bottles so that I could sneak them in) and then again another at lunch. This is the origin of what I started to mentally refer to as the "hellride." As soon as I wake up, I feel restless. I want to move. I start to drive around aimlessly because sitting around sober drives me NUTS. So sometimes I will wake up early, make a drink to bring with me, and drive around aimlessly getting buzzed and listening to music. This is needless driving just to get out of the house. Just to do something, to feel alive, to not be alone (alcohol and music are my only friends). But moving was just as important for some reason. I have trouble sitting still now.
And yes I know all of the drinking and driving was incredibly f'd up (not sure if you can curse on this forum), but again "I'm Superman. My driving is impeccable even when I'm drunk." My body looked like crap from missing so many workouts but hey, at least I was still slim and looked good in clothes. And yes my performance at work had degraded, but I only needed time to acclimate to the new conditions. The rationalizations never stop. I'm not Superman, I'm a drunk. If I was Superman, I would have never needed the alcohol to talk to this girl in the first place.
Which brings me back to her. All of this started so that I could impress this girl with my "real" personality, but what would happen is that I would sometimes be so moody from the alcohol that I'd shun her or treat her like crap for no reason. There were times where I'd do really inappropriate things, touch her in inappropriate ways but she didn't seem to mind, but anytime she'd reciprocate I'd pull back for some reason. Eventually she grew tired of the games. We just sort of awkwardly ignore each other now. And it hurts, especially when I'm drunk. Especially when I wake up and it's Saturday and I know I won't get to see her even though there is absolutely zero chance of anything happening with us. But that doesn't stop the drinking. I'll tell you right now that I know it's for the best. I'm clearly not a good person and this obsession and the resultant behavioral change on my part is TOXIC.
When all of the other co-workers are happy that it's Friday, I'm miserable. Because I know I have two long days ahead where I won't see her. I have literally switched my life around so that psychologically my weekend is my "work" week and my work week is my party time. Because I'm going to work drunk and being drunk usually feels good. I rarely drink on the weekend now. I have no idea if they know that I'm drunk. There has to be some suspicion. I've gotten some weird looks. Maybe they think I'm on some kind of drugs. But nobody has said anything.
I have a new job lined up in a month. My current job is relocating and I'm not going to relocate with them. But just yesterday I realized that I had gone through a 1.75ml bottle and two 750ml bottles of whiskey in a five day period. I can't keep this up. And now I'm worried about the possibility of a seizure if I stop too suddenly.
At the end of the day, I have failed to address my real problem which is my crippling social anxiety and have allowed my issues to put numerous people in danger, hurt other people, and betray my own morals. I have to stop drinking. I hope today is day 1.
Thanks to anyone who reads this, I know it's a bit long.
I was the best employee at my job. I was given merit-based raises, constantly praised for my work ethic and speed, and there was a lot of hinting at my escalation in the company despite my relatively short time there. I was also very self-disciplined. Ate really healthy, worked out consistently and stayed in really good shape.
Despite all that, I have a very serious problem with anxiety. I fall into a sort of "serious" personality as a default which makes it both hard for others to connect with me and hard for me to break out of my shell and connect with others. It cultivates a more uptight personality then I really have. I feel like an animal trapped in a cage. So the people at my job never really see the side of me I want them to see. When I hang out with friends, I drink. Like most people, drinking takes the edge off and allows me to break down those social barriers. I'm wittier, more bold, more exciting to be around, etc. Anxiety is hell, and alcohol tricks you into thinking you're in heaven.
So up until a certain point I kept the drinking to the weekends, but then something changed. My job got a new employee. A girl. You can probably guess where this goes. I crushed hard on her, but because of the above anxiety, barely spoke to her. There was a kind of implication from the other co-workers of hooking us up, and we made a lot of heavy eye contact but I knew if I was going to keep her interest I'd have to start talking to her. But I wanted her to see the "real" me, the animal trapped inside the cage, not the boring "serious" me. I started drinking after work, well into the night and sometimes pulling all nighters hoping that the combination of sleeplessness and semi-drunkenness would help take me out of my shell a bit. It did. We started to talk a lot more. I felt a connection.
I would rationalize these drunken all-nighters as willpower challenges. "Can you stay up all night drunk and then go to work? Of course you can! You're Superman." But because I was up all night drinking, I'd start to miss sessions at the gym. But despite that, I still stayed lean and didn't overeat like a lot of alcoholics tend to do (I think). Keep in mind, I only drink hard liquor, not beer.
Anyway, soon enough the sleeplessness got to me. The body needs rest. So what I would start to do is go to bed early and then have a small drink before work. This soon transitioned into a small drink on the way to work mixed with soda in a water bottle (that's right). I have a semi-long commute, so I would get a nice buzz on the way to work and ward off the social anxiety a bit. The drinks got bigger. I would start to go out to my car for lunch to have more drinks in order to maintain the buzz. If I ran out of liquor, I'd start going to the liquor during lunch and buying little nips. Soon the nips turned to pints.
Very quickly I had an entire system worked out where I would have enough liquor stashed in my car so that I could make a mix drink for the way to work and have enough to make another drink when I got to work (the water bottles turned into soda bottles so that I could sneak them in) and then again another at lunch. This is the origin of what I started to mentally refer to as the "hellride." As soon as I wake up, I feel restless. I want to move. I start to drive around aimlessly because sitting around sober drives me NUTS. So sometimes I will wake up early, make a drink to bring with me, and drive around aimlessly getting buzzed and listening to music. This is needless driving just to get out of the house. Just to do something, to feel alive, to not be alone (alcohol and music are my only friends). But moving was just as important for some reason. I have trouble sitting still now.
And yes I know all of the drinking and driving was incredibly f'd up (not sure if you can curse on this forum), but again "I'm Superman. My driving is impeccable even when I'm drunk." My body looked like crap from missing so many workouts but hey, at least I was still slim and looked good in clothes. And yes my performance at work had degraded, but I only needed time to acclimate to the new conditions. The rationalizations never stop. I'm not Superman, I'm a drunk. If I was Superman, I would have never needed the alcohol to talk to this girl in the first place.
Which brings me back to her. All of this started so that I could impress this girl with my "real" personality, but what would happen is that I would sometimes be so moody from the alcohol that I'd shun her or treat her like crap for no reason. There were times where I'd do really inappropriate things, touch her in inappropriate ways but she didn't seem to mind, but anytime she'd reciprocate I'd pull back for some reason. Eventually she grew tired of the games. We just sort of awkwardly ignore each other now. And it hurts, especially when I'm drunk. Especially when I wake up and it's Saturday and I know I won't get to see her even though there is absolutely zero chance of anything happening with us. But that doesn't stop the drinking. I'll tell you right now that I know it's for the best. I'm clearly not a good person and this obsession and the resultant behavioral change on my part is TOXIC.
When all of the other co-workers are happy that it's Friday, I'm miserable. Because I know I have two long days ahead where I won't see her. I have literally switched my life around so that psychologically my weekend is my "work" week and my work week is my party time. Because I'm going to work drunk and being drunk usually feels good. I rarely drink on the weekend now. I have no idea if they know that I'm drunk. There has to be some suspicion. I've gotten some weird looks. Maybe they think I'm on some kind of drugs. But nobody has said anything.
I have a new job lined up in a month. My current job is relocating and I'm not going to relocate with them. But just yesterday I realized that I had gone through a 1.75ml bottle and two 750ml bottles of whiskey in a five day period. I can't keep this up. And now I'm worried about the possibility of a seizure if I stop too suddenly.
At the end of the day, I have failed to address my real problem which is my crippling social anxiety and have allowed my issues to put numerous people in danger, hurt other people, and betray my own morals. I have to stop drinking. I hope today is day 1.
Thanks to anyone who reads this, I know it's a bit long.
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Welcome hellride, thanks for sharing your story. And believe it or not, it's a very familiar progression that many of us have gone through. We understand.
It is very common for anxiety sufferers to turn to alcohol. The problem is, while it may help for a short time, it actually makes the anxiety worse. There are lots of healthy ways to treat and live with anxiety, but none of them will work until alcohol is removed from the equation completely.
If you fear that you are physically dependant and that your withdrawals may be severe, seeing a doctor is the best solition. You may be able to work out a plan to detox on your own under their supervision, they may also recommend an inpatient detox. In either case, it's better to be safe than sorry. And with your upcoming job change, what better time than now to get clean and make a plan to stay sober?
It is very common for anxiety sufferers to turn to alcohol. The problem is, while it may help for a short time, it actually makes the anxiety worse. There are lots of healthy ways to treat and live with anxiety, but none of them will work until alcohol is removed from the equation completely.
If you fear that you are physically dependant and that your withdrawals may be severe, seeing a doctor is the best solition. You may be able to work out a plan to detox on your own under their supervision, they may also recommend an inpatient detox. In either case, it's better to be safe than sorry. And with your upcoming job change, what better time than now to get clean and make a plan to stay sober?
Last edited by ScottFromWI; 01-23-2016 at 07:46 AM. Reason: Spelling
I hope our support can help you get sober for good. I too would advise seeing your doctor for help in getting safely thru the w/d.
Life Goes On
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
I second Scott's suggestion to see a physician. Mine prescribed medication to help with withdrawal and another for the anxiety and depression. The withdrawal medication was short-term and helped me to get to sleep during those early days. The other medication has done wonders as well. I'm no social butterfly, but the internal bashing has subsided to a huge degree. And that helps me to get through the day intact.
You'll need more than that to stay stopped, though. There's lots of information here about how to start planning for that.
Seriously, man, make an appointment. I was really anxious planning to go in, but on the way there I was actually relieved that I was going to get some help.
You'll need more than that to stay stopped, though. There's lots of information here about how to start planning for that.
Seriously, man, make an appointment. I was really anxious planning to go in, but on the way there I was actually relieved that I was going to get some help.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: UK
Posts: 113
Hi Hellride,
Sorry for your reason to be here, but I hope you'll find the forum helpful.
I think the others have given good advice.
Do you have a plan? As well as planning for getting sober, I think it's important to plan for staying sober. Especially if anxiety is likely to come up for you and you still need to build up other ways to handle things. I found the links in a thread here really useful, don't know if they can help you. I haven't got enough posts to put the URL but you can find the thread if you search for "382110-psst-wanna-know-why-im-always-recommending-recovery-plans".
Sorry for your reason to be here, but I hope you'll find the forum helpful.
I think the others have given good advice.
Do you have a plan? As well as planning for getting sober, I think it's important to plan for staying sober. Especially if anxiety is likely to come up for you and you still need to build up other ways to handle things. I found the links in a thread here really useful, don't know if they can help you. I haven't got enough posts to put the URL but you can find the thread if you search for "382110-psst-wanna-know-why-im-always-recommending-recovery-plans".
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 3
Thanks to everybody for the support. I made it through day one and I'm feeling much better now that the moodiness has gone away a bit. Time for day two.
I am taking it day by day at this point. Originally I just wanted to get through one week sober because it's been MONTHS since I've had that, but it's probably more useful to follow the "one day at a time" mentality so that I don't overwhelm myself.
I've done sober weekends before. A sober Monday at work will be much more of a challenge, but I plan on facing that challenge and working out what exactly will make it a challenge when the temptation becomes overwhelming.
Originally Posted by Zeroine 
Hi Hellride,
Sorry for your reason to be here, but I hope you'll find the forum helpful.
I think the others have given good advice.
Do you have a plan? As well as planning for getting sober, I think it's important to plan for staying sober. Especially if anxiety is likely to come up for you and you still need to build up other ways to handle things. I found the links in a thread here really useful, don't know if they can help you. I haven't got enough posts to put the URL but you can find the thread if you search for "382110-psst-wanna-know-why-im-always-recommending-recovery-plans".
Sorry for your reason to be here, but I hope you'll find the forum helpful.
I think the others have given good advice.
Do you have a plan? As well as planning for getting sober, I think it's important to plan for staying sober. Especially if anxiety is likely to come up for you and you still need to build up other ways to handle things. I found the links in a thread here really useful, don't know if they can help you. I haven't got enough posts to put the URL but you can find the thread if you search for "382110-psst-wanna-know-why-im-always-recommending-recovery-plans".
I've done sober weekends before. A sober Monday at work will be much more of a challenge, but I plan on facing that challenge and working out what exactly will make it a challenge when the temptation becomes overwhelming.
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